Saturday, February 28, 2009


Another edition of "Current CNN headlines"

The "Make that man a CEO" Headline - "Mugabe hosts lavish party as country suffers."
The "Well, that's debatable..." Headline - "Warren Buffett has worst year ever."
The "....uh......what?...." Headline - "Ugly Bat Boy cat a hit at clinic"
The "World's worst boxing match" Headline - "Anderson Cooper vs. Kelly Ripa, Part II"
The "hehehehehehe" Headline - "Recession puts damper on hanky-panky"
The "again....uh.....what?" Headline - "Deacon, coach, dad -- bank robbery suspected"
The "I need a plane ticket now!" Headline - "Topless coffee shop a hit in small Maine town"
The "Do they have Harrier jets?" Headline - "At this store, everything is free -- really"
The "Well, duh?" Headline - "Undersea bombs threaten marine life"
The "I know! Because they suck." Headline - 'Why some films go straight to DVD"

I do love the news. I do not however, love contracts

Thursday, February 26, 2009

"Captain" Crunch

First of all, let me say I have no issue with the Captain's product. Cap'n Crunch, Crunch Berries, and Peanut Butter Crunch (especially Peanut Butter Crunch) are all fantastic cereals. But I've got some issues with the Cap'n himself.

1) His eyebrows are not attached to his face, they are attached to his hat! This is a terrible situation. If in sailing the high seas, his hat were to blow off, he would no longer be able to express the emotions of surprise or skepticism. Even on land, there are certain situations where, regardless of naval rank, you are just not supposed to wear a hat. Let's just say I hope those eyebrows on the hat are just for show and he's got some real ones underneath.

2) I have to question the purpose and physics of those blue flaps on the side of his face. The one on his right (our left) side seems to be pinned between his moustache and his hat, while the left looks like there's clearly a little space between the hat and the flap. If they are somehow attached to his invisible body, are they just cheek warmers? If you have earned the title of captain, you should be a little tougher than that, sir. Which leads me to suspect some foul play. Here's how it must have gone down. With the last name of Crunch, how could he not be the spokesman for a cereal? But 1st Lieutenant Crunch just didn't have the same ring to it. So the higher-ups at Quaker pulled a few strings to get him there early. Have you no shame, Quaker?

3) The alleged Captain sports some bling on each shoulder. The right one (our left) shows 7 distinct pieces. While they may look like gold, don't be fooled. My source on the inside informs me that they are actually 6 pieces of Kix cereal and 1 oversize Cheerio. And while Cap'n Crunch gets his commission from Quaker, both Kix and Cheerios are owned by...GENERAL MILLS. That's right, this is a battle of ranks. The Captain is wearing the General's jewelry. I'd like to believe that the General is unaware of this, but I can't imagine that he is. We have gone a long time without any retaliation, but the same source says it might not last longer. Be on the lookout...

Snuggie Pub Crawl

First of all, thanks to Richard to pointing this out to me. There is some kind of group out there organizing Snuggie Pub Crawls. These are taking place in major cities, and they are exactly what they sound like - a massive group of people going from bar to bar wearing Snuggies. This is AMAZING. You all know how much I love Snuggies. The only thing more awesome than a large pack of people travelling in Snuggies is a large drunk pack of people travelling in Snuggies.My hopes for a Snuggie/ShamWow partnership are slim, so I think its safe to say that as soon as they set the date for the Washington, DC Snuggie pub crawl is the date that I will order my Snuggie. To promote the partnership, I will also bring along a ShamWow. This way, if anyone spills a drink, I can say "Oh, I got this!" They will think, "this guy can clean up spills instantly and is always warm...but who let this 18-year-old into the bar?"

Oh, more info can be found on the website:

PS Spell checking this post was quite amusing.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Tuesday Shout Outs

Today's shout outs:

-To DeVon, for giving me a ride back to the dorm from the library. Thanks for lookin out.

-To Jill. Jill sent out a horrifying picture today. This will surely haunt my dreams. As a result, I will stay up and study, and my knowledge will expand.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

If March Madness was like Moot Court...

-There would be no play-in game for the right to lose to the #1 seed.

-Offensive teams would be expected to know important plays in the past and be able to recreate them using their current players. Defensive teams would point out to the refs how the current play is actually not at all like the past play.

-Refs could stop the game whenever they wanted and ask players whatever they wanted.

-The shot clock would be eliminated. The game clock would be replaced by time cards held up by NBA all stars

-Scoring baskets would be irrelevant, referees would decide the score based on a number of criteria that are not known by the players until the tip-off.

-It would not be head to head elimination until the Elite 8

-The "last four out" would be envied by several of the teams that made the bracket.

Even more awesome points. Earn daily!

Some people have been asking me how they can get more awesome points. Their main concern was that most of the criteria were one time things, like "having your nickname be The Punisher." Also, some were worried about losing awesome points without knowing it. Well, I looked through the APH (Awesome points handbook) and pulled out some ways you can earn awesome points every day! Some are as hard as resisting the urge to surf the web in ConLaw (whatever happened to the phrase 'surf the web?') while some are as easy as......attempting to make a law school reference...what's something easy.....I'll get back to you.

Drinking chocolate milk at a meal earns you 5 awesome points per glass. The APH rewards embracing your childhood. Plus, it's just straight up delicious.

Successfully drinking a beverage in an open cup or can whilst sitting at one of the library tables earns you 5 awesome points. Attempting to do so but getting caught will set you back 50.

If I give you a hug and you think you are being hugged by a girl, you lose 100 awesome points. Upon realizing that I am in fact a man, making a face like you just smelt something rotten will earn you 50 points back. You know who you are. Better start earning the rest.

If you point out that someone has just earned awesome points, you have just merited 25 awesome points. This is the APH's version of refer-a-friend.

If you use a website that uploads pictures of your friends and creates creepy and disturbing pictures of what their kids would look like, then say goodbye to 200 awesome points. For each picture made. Grab a shovel, Jill. You've got some digging out to do.

If you send me an email that contains the words "For those of you who may have missed this spiderbyte," you will be banned from any further consideration of awesome points. I will forgive the incident this morning, but everyone is now on notice.

If a professor makes a reference (positive or negative) to a hat you are wearing, you get 15 awesome points.

If you can fill in the phrase, "__________ity _________ity ___________ ____________," you will receive 300 awesome points and will most likely to pretty well on the contracts midterm next week.

Using the word "legendary" will earn you 5 awesome points.

That's all for now. Perhaps some others will be revealed soon. Congrats to all moving on in moot court, and equal congrats to those who don't have to deal with it anymore. Much love.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Shout Outs of the Day

-To Will Hammond, for a great line used in our conversation about his idea for chinese-food-topped pizza: "One day I will be sitting atop my chinese pizza empire!"

-To my moot court judge, for being nice. After countless warnings and horror stories about judges harshly interrupting you and making you look stupid, my judge today was anything but. It was pretty awesome.

-To couches everywhere, for being comfortable. Don't act like you don't agree.

The Greatest Show on Earth

Yesterday I went to the circus. Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey - The Greatest Show on Earth. It was, as you can imagine quite a production. But my main problem with the circus is that there is too much going on. When they have horses doing tricks in one ring, and zebras doing tricks in another ring on the other side of the stadium, I cannot devote my full attention to both. The viewer is forced to either pick one to watch, or develop "tennis neck" trying to watch both at the same time. The colors and music can be all too much. I did, however, quite enjoy the showstopping musical dance hit, "Do not try this at home" which seemed to involve the entire cast. And I think it was effective. Here is a list of things I will now not do at home:

-Shoot myself and a friend out of a 60 foot double barrel cannon across at least 150 feet landing on massive inflatable pillows.
-Place myself in a cage with 10 tigers and get them to lie down and roll over in front of me.
-Launch myself off of a swing 30 feet into the air and through a ring of fire.
-Play badminton with a friend while I am hanging upside down with my shoes magnetized to the 200-foot high ceiling with no padding or spotters below.
-Direct 10 elephants to step onto comically small stools and spin around.
-Put my archenemy into a thin wire cage with no conceivable compartments, cover the cage for less than 4 seconds, and then uncover the cage to reveal only a live tiger.*

Talk about a damper on my to-do list. Loophole: Maybe I could try them at someone else's home. In a related story, I still have no idea how Mr. Gravity turned into a tiger.

While somewhat grown out of my childhood, I was able to enjoy the wonderment of the circus. I was certainly enjoying the show more than the 2 year old girl sitting next to me, who had the same puzzled look on her face for the whole show. I was however appalled at the prices for food. Who has $15 to drop on a sno-cone?!?! And they have these glowing swords, spinning lights wands, and of course the essential cotton candy, popcorn, and stuffed animals. I saw one family who had three kids with all kinds of stuff. I hope Mom's bringing in the dough, cause she looked like Aaron Burr the way she was droppin' Hamiltons. I guess one thing it did was allow me to appreciate my parents buying food for me at sporting events/circuses (or is it circi?) growing up. So thanks Mom and Dad. Although I'm gonna say this right now. My children will never have a $15 sno cone.

*This would be impossible anyway, because I don't think I could put SpiderBytes into a cage.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Weekend shout out

Weekend shout out goes to Mark, for not only letting me stay at his place in Williamsburg, but giving me his own bed to sleep in. It doesn't get too much better than that. Thanks, homie.

Snuggies and ShamWows

Infomercials are amazing. The problem is that they are so long and they only advertise one product. If the infomercial products were to team up, the boom of spending would pull us out of the recession. Consider: you are at home, lying on your couch, with a normal blanket, drinking a glass of wine. When you sit up to grab your glass of wine, you notice you are cold. While you try to pull the blanket back up, you accidentally knock the glass over. Most people would be frustrated. BUT, if you had seen the KaBoom/ShamWow/Snuggie infomercial, all of this could have been avoided. With it's revolutionary sleeves built right into the blanket, the Snuggie user would have been more focused on picking up the glass. In the rare chance that a spill did occur, she could spray the affected area with KaBoom and then instantly absorb up all the liquid with the ShamWow!

If I'm ordering a ShamWow, they try to make you call now and double your order. But as my contracts professor pointed out, if they last 10 years, why would I need 8 of them. But something like "call now, and we'll throw in a free Snuggie!" It would be unbeatable. And so I propose the Snuggie-ShamWow partnership. As a consumer, I would most likely be pulled into the trap. I recently visited a friend who spoke very well of the ShamWow, and as much as the guy on the infomercial haunts my dreams, I would still buy it if they threw in a free snuggie. Where is that phone?! I've only got 9 minutes and 37 seconds left!

PS My apologies for the posting hiatus...was out of town. But now I'm back, so no excuses.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

A-news-ing headlines

The following headlines are currently on

"Obama's left hook befuddles viewers"
"Terminal cancer plays out on reality TV"
"Men see bikini-clad women as objects, psychologist say"
"Dolphins stuck in ice"
"Girl Scouts selling cookies robbed"
"Economy puts bite on shark attacks, expert says"
"82 cats cram house - it's now condemned"

Another great news day in America.

Shout out

Shout out of the day goes to Hornbook, for this gem:
Me: "Susie, you're white."
Suusie: "Nope. See this?" (points to freckle) "This is my skin tone. The rest of me is a birthmark."

Also, props to the co-ed soccer team for a win tonight.

Revenge of SpiderBytes

It happened. Less than 12 hours after my post about Outlook being amazing and moving SpiderBytes to my Junk Mail folder, it was BACK IN MY INBOX. Its a good thing I was in class when I saw, and thus forced to subdue the fury. How could this have happened so soon? Did I jump the gun by posting about it? Did I jinx myself? As a firm believer in the butterfly effect, I tend not to play the what-if game. But know this, SpiderBytes! I will loathe you for each and every morning I find you in my Inbox.

Nathan Lane did a musical tribute to Conan last night. It was pretty amazing. And so I have a new addition to my bucket list - Be the inspiration for a musical tribute. If I ever get to a point in my life where someone will write lyrics to a popular or once-popular song about me, I will know i have made it. Unfortunately, my chosen profession might not be ideal to that goal, but you never know.

If people don't talk to you, wearing a suit is a surefire way to solve that problem. People are so intrigued by suits that they must now what kind of competition/interview you are involved in. The problem with conversation like this is that it almost certainly leads to an awkward situation.

Scenario 1
"Why are you dressed up?"
"Negotiation competition."
"Oh cool, hows that going?"
"Good, I guess."
....Result: Awkward silence

Scenario 2:
"Why are you dressed up?"
"Oh cool. who with?"
"A firm"
....Result: Awkward silence

Scenario 3:
"Why are you dressed up?"
"I have no other clean clothes."
"Why don't you do laundry?"
"Laundry killed my parents...I am avenging their deaths..."
....Result: Awkward silence

Scenario 4:
"Hey, Gregg, why are you dressed up?"
"I'm not really, my body just rejects all shirts without buttons. Also, I'm kind of a big deal."
...Result: Awkward silence

There needs to be a transition to get from the conversation about the clothes back to regular conversation. I'm still working on one. I'll keep you posted.

Shout outs for le day

Today's shout outs go to

-Dimitri Martin. I've been a Dimitri fan for about 4 years now. He gets a shout out today for another great episode of his new show. If you haven't seen it, you should check it out.

-Jenn Isham, for being able to park in the future.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

My Outlook on SpiderBytes

Outlook and I have had a rocky relationship over the past 6 months. Most of the time it makes me happy, but sometimes it will randomly put good emails in the junk folder, or take a long time to send/receive. But Outlook's latest move has made me so happy that I am willing to forgive all of her past transgressions.

Some of you may have heard me complain about my absolute hatred of SpiderBytes. If you walk by my room in the mornings, there's a good chance the wave of profanity is directed at SpiderBytes. For those unfamiliar, SpiderBytes is announcements about the events around the University of Richmond. For my fellow Tribesmen, it's like Campus Announcements...only EVERY DAY. My mouse has gotten so good at making a straight shot to the delete button that I almost do it automatically. My life here consists of class, the library, the gym, and the dining hall. I have no desire to know which sororities are having bake sales, or that the equestrian team is looking for a new assistant coach. I am a pretty easygoing guy, but the sometimes seeing Spiderbytes is like the Grinch hearing the Hoos singing when he was hoping he would be done with them forever. Only my heart has yet to grow three sizes for SpiderBytes.

My hatred of SpiderBytes is what makes Outlook's move so amazing...Outlook has started filing my SpiderBytes STRAIGHT INTO JUNK MAIL. I realized this was happening the other day, and nearly jumped out of my chair. God bless you, Outlook! I could not agree more with your assessment of SpiderBytes as "junk." It is a glorious week for me and my inbox. Now, I realize I am taking a huge chance here, and that posting this might jinx me and send SpiderBytes back to my Inbox. Let's just say I am really really really hoping that does not happen.

Quick note: After learning of this recent development and my hatred of SpiderBytes, Ned attempted to send me today's SpiderBytes, titling the email "Not Junk." Well guess what Ned? Outlook saw through your plan, and filed that email in junk as well! Outlook, if you are somehow reading this, you are amazing. Keep up the good work.

P.S. Should there ever be a long drought without a post, it is most likely that SpiderBytes have returned to my Inbox, and I have broken my computer in a rage of fury.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


Haiku serve no purpose whatsoever. How is it that some guy on a power trip centuries ago decided poems should have 5-7-5 phrasing, and people have gone along with this for centuries? Personally, should I choose to write poetry, or any kind of writing for that matter, I will use however many syllables in a line as it takes.

Believe it or not,
some of my thoughts have more than
seven syllables.

Writing a haiku is like giving Monet a paint by numbers. All it does is block creative flow, and the end product is amateur-at-best. I believe the first run on sentence must have come from a student who was forced to read haiku. "This will show em! Syllable restrictions? Not a chance. Separate lines? Nope. Periods? Is a chicken's butt pork?" I would much rather read a run on sentence than a haiku. Run-on sentences keep me interested. It's like, "man...where is this period? Its gotta be coming up soon....don't peek down the page! Resist the urge!" Where as haiku take me FOREVER to read, because smart-ass that I am, I always go back and count the syllables hoping to discover some flaw. As if these things haven't been proofread before. It never occurs to me that I might not be the first one to check this.

Frustrating as they are to write, I think it would be awesome for a judge to deliver an opinion in haiku form. It would entertain law students forever.

By definition
Detrimental reliance
Does not apply here.

While said judge would be mocked by their peers, and perhaps loathed by future law students, I would salute them. I realize the likelihood of this ever happening is slim, so it might have to be my own undertaking some day. So if you are me reading this 50 years from now, well done sir. Past-Tizzle gives you a time-warp fist pound.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Shout outs

Today's shout outs go anyone who finished and turned in a moot court brief. I am sure you share in my relief that the writing part is done. A special shout out to those who came to Sonic afterwards. Delicious times were again had by all.

And as much as it pains me to do so, a shout out to Boatwright memorial library for being open 24 hours a day.

My last of the day goes to my three professors from last semester for good times at lunch today.

OH, and how could I forget. To Will for an excellent comment
Me: "How was your weekend?"
Will: "You know, same old same old....I got to run around in a giant hamster ball on an ice rink. In front of lots of was allright."

Classic. Well done sir.

How many law students does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. 1 to change the bulb, and 2 to talk about law school because apparently there's nothing else to talk about outside of class. I've experienced this before. Being on the rowing team in college, whenever rowers would hang out, the topic of conversation would inevitably turn back to rowing somehow. It was alright, but law school seems to have taken it to a new level. Countless dinners and meals begin with "no law school talk" only to revert back to law school talk faster than you can say "Federal Election Commission v. Wisconsin Right To Life." And so I say to my collective colleagues, "C'mon, my babies!" Surely we can do better than this. There has got to be a way! Sports, current events, the weather, pop culture, irresponsible fertility doctors, youtube videos about boats, stop me any time - the list of other things to talk about is longer than a pause after a ConLaw question.

Now, I am just as guilty as the rest. Often I make a lawschool-related joke, thinking it will not derail the real world conversation, but somehow it does. And so, I have compiled a few tips on how to avoid the traps of slipping into converslawtion (conversation about law).

1. Avoid use of terms which my fit the sentence, but have legal context. Examples: liable, moot, library, class, promissory estoppel, rum-stealing, reckless, whether.

2. Should the words "It's like that case..." ever escape your lips at a social setting, slap yourself across the face and say, "Man, I just slapped myself. Who does that?" I've seen this done - works like a charm.

3. Pitfalls often occur because the facts of a story relate to a case. If your friend starts the move, analogize back to the present. Example:
Person A: "And then he came at the guy with a knife!"
Person B: "That sounds like assault to me. Assault is defined as..."
Person A: "So do you think Chris Brown will be able to have a career again? If Ray Lewis can do it, why not?"

4. If the conversation starts to turn, create a comical physical distraction. Options include
-fall out of your chair
-throw a glass of water into someone else's face
-pretend to juggle
-actually juggle
-get up and dance
Feel free to be creative.

5. Many people think the best way to start a conversation is to ask a question where both sides can be debated. I prefer the opposite approach - ask a question that is completely one sided. Example: "Puppies - Cute or Ugly?" Conversation will immediately switch to cute puppies. And if you would rather talk about cases than about cute puppies, well then there are issues I don't think I can work out right now.

These are just a few of my strategies. It's a group effort, people. Together we can fight L-TOOLS
syndrome (Law-Talk Outside Of Law School) And the world will be a better meal at a time...

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Are You McKidding Me!?!?!

I discovered something disturbing this afternoon. I walked into McDonald's looking forward to a double cheeseburger off the dollar menu. I was shocked to find it not on the dollar menu, but there was something called a "McDouble." Figuring they might have just changed the name, I quickly scanned the rest of the menu for "double cheeseburger." There is was, under sandwiches...for $1.19!!!!! I was shockergasted (a combination of shocked and flabbergasted). So I asked the cashier what exactly a McDouble was. She informed me it had two patties and one slice of cheese. Yes it appears the "McDouble" is a double cheeseburger...minus one slice of cheese.

And so I reach another installment of "Whatever, I Do What I Want." This one goes out to you, McDonalds. I hope that you can sleep at night knowing you are depriving millions of Americans their second slice of cheese. In a world of cutting corners, I never expected it to come to this. Well you know what, McDonalds? Your plan BACKFIRED! By taking off that second piece of cheese, and altering the crucial cheese ratio, you allow the taste of your "beef" to shine through, unmasked by American goodness. And you know what, McDonalds? Your "beef" just doesn't cut it for me. Asking customers to pay an extra 19 cents for a second slice of cheese on a double cheeseburger is vicious with a side of piracy. I have to suspect that the Hamburgler is behind this move. Ronald would never approve something like this.

McDouble makes this sandwich sound much cooler than it actually is. Chamburger is more accurate. Cheeseburger + hamburger = chamburger. Well I hope you enjoy this marketing plan, McDonalds, because the next time I find myself with a craving for a warmish, beef-like product, you can find me at Burger King. This has been "Whatever, I Do What I Want: McDonald's Edition."

And We're Back

A historic switch in late night television is upon us. 5 nights from tonight, Conan O'Brien will shoot and air his last episode on Late Night, then prepare for the move to LA to take over the Tonight Show. Jimmy Fallon will take over as host of Late Night. For those who don't know, I am a huge JF fan from his days on SNL. I rank his best-of DVD as one of the favorites of my massive collection. The Jimmy haters out there will tell you that he had a habit of breaking character and laughing in the middle of sketches. Looking over his body of work, there's some truth to this. But at Late Night, that kind of thing is allowed, albeit encouraged. Conan has, in my opinion, one of the best laughs in show business, and when he laughs in an interview, or giggles during a sketch, it makes it that much better. Jimmy's weekend update experience should serve him well during sketches, and I look forward to what the new era brings.

I have much more concern for my main man Sno-Cone moving to the Tonight Show at 11:30. There are few people I love more than Conan. His comedic stylings of childish humor, pointless antics, and self-deprecating comments speak to me the way few others do. While I am happy for Conzie to get the promotion, the Tonight Show and the 11:35 time slot is a different audience. They will demand class, integrity, and standards that Conan has disregarded so well for years. Characters like Cyberg, the Jewish robot, S&M Lincoln, and Vomiting Kermit the Frog have no place at the 11:35 hour. Spoof trailers for films like "I Rowboat" where a cop searches for the rowboat that killed his partner, will likely be found repulsive by the 11:35 crowd. When it comes down to it, the Tonight Show is more about monologues, and less about sketches. Conan has always had decent monologues, but he shines with his sketches. What will happen when unstoppable force meets the immovable object? Time will tell.

Over the last month Conan has begun "saying goodbye" to his childish characters. FedEx Pope. The gator with gay-dar. Gone. When he brought out the masturbating bear to say goodbye, I had a tear in my eye, but in a brilliant move, he just changed him into "Bear frantically searching for his cell phone in his fanny pack." I AOLd (Applauded out loud). So here's to hoping that there is some place in the hearts of 11:35 viewers for pointless, childish humor. If not, that twinkle in my eye might just be a little bit dimmer come summertime...

Friday, February 13, 2009

Massive Balloons

The perfect Valentine's day gift is not a dozen roses. It's not a box of chocolates, a sappy card, or a fuzzy teddy bear (although massive teddy bears are good). No, I have come to the conclusion that the ultimate V-Day gift is massive balloons. Huge, ridiculous, bright colored balloons. I saw a guy buying one at Ukrops today, and I was legit jealous. They make you laugh, and yet still say "I care enough to drop a few bucks on this." Plus, how can you not respect someone willing to walk through the store, check out line, and proudly to their car, giant inflatable in hand? So today, I salute anyone who purchases a massive balloon this weekend. I hope you get some as a result.

Note: I am away from town this weekend, so a break from posts will probably ensue. My apologies. Hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day weekend.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Shout em out

Daily Shout Outs go to...

-To Erin, for folding my laundry when I forgot I had it in the dryer. Erin, I don't know how many times you've done this now but I appreciate each one. You the man...well...sort of...

-A very special shout out to tonight's dinner group for hilarious times. One of our better dinners, I think.

-Props to Hornbook. In mocking my wearing a plain white t-shirt (I think she said it "wasn't a real shirt") she made me realize I had forgotten my other shirt in the classroom. If I had not gone back and gotten it, I undoubtedly would not have realized until I had the desire to wear it several weeks down the road. If this isn't proof that everyone is better off being made fun of a bit, I don't know what is.

-A well-done-sir to Henry, for booking a round trip flight from Jersey to Jamaica and 5 nights in a hotel for less than $400. You have earned back some of the points you lost for being from New Jersey.

Awesome Points

It's a good thing I don't keep track of "man points." If I did, I would have taken some serious hits at my lunchtime break with Ross, Megan, and Frank. It was pointed out that a) I can't hit the low notes in rockband, and b) I know way too much about figure skating. That pirouette I did leaving the conversation probably would have put the nail in the coffin. Wait, "nail in the coffin" sounds like it involves tools. Way too manly. Let's try that again. That pirouette I did leaving the conversation probably would have been the last ingredient in the muffin recipe. Better.

As it turns out, I find my days are much better without worrying about my man points. I instead keep track of what I like to call "awesome points" It's an elaborate scoring system

Jokes that elicit smiles and mild laughter receive 5 awesome points
Jokes that cause lots of laughs get 10 awesome points
Any jokes that result in clapping or spit takes merit 20 awesome points
Jokes that no one gets or jokes that are interrupted before the punch line are -20 awesome points. This is to discourage frivolous joke telling.

Drinking a beer earns 10 awesome points
Throwing up loses 50 awesome points
Drinking another beer within 10 minutes of throwing up is worth double (20 points)
Irresponsible? Perhaps.

Successfully making EasyMac gets 15 awesome points
Forgetting to add water to EasyMac and setting off the smoke alarm and having the dorm evacuate late at night is worth negative 1,000 awesome points

Having two capital letters in your first name is worth 50 awesome points.
Having two first names is worth 100 awesome points (ex.: Neil Patrick Harris)
Having your nickname be "The Punisher" is worth 500 awesome points.

Eating a bowl of lucky charms is worth 15 awesome points.
Eating a bowl of Kellogg's Smart Start is worth negative 15 points.
Haters to the left.

Being on a boat is worth 700 awesome points.
Being on a boat wearing a nautical-themed pashmina afghan nets you 1,500 awesome points
Being on a boat with T-Pain is worth 5,000 awesome points
Note: Should one ever be on a boat with T-Pain WHILST wearing a nautical themed pashmina afghan, they would have infinite awesome points, and would be exempt from further scoring.

If someone accuses you of trickin, but it in fact aint trickin because you got it, you have earned 600 awesome points.

There are other situations that will earn points. This is just a rough overview to get you started. For further consideration, see "Awesome Points - An Overview" by J Tizzle. 39 U.S. 172 (2008)

Happy Birthday

Birthday wishes go out to Sheila. Sheila, you are always awesome, but extra awesome today. Happy Birthday!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Shout out

Today's shout out goes to my old friend Jonathan Lee. Perhaps known to some as Bruce Lee. Jonathan/Bruce and I recently caught up a bit through facebook messaging, and today he offered me a place to stay if I ever interviewed up in NYC. Much love, Bruce, you're a good man.

Thunderstorm watches

"Thunderstorm watches" could not be more unnecessary. The difference between a watch and a warning is that a warning means that some have been spotted in the vicinity. Watch just means conditions are favorable for something like that to happen. What does that mean? It means that someone saying "a thunderstorm watch is in effect" is a fancy, dramatic way of saying "it's cloudy and windy, dawg. Best take an umbrella." Now THAT is something I would enjoy hearing from my weatherman. I am perfectly capable of determining whether or not there might be a thunderstorm by opening my window. And a "watch" is sure as hell not going to keep me from acting any differently than i would if I was watch-ignorant.

Note to all food items in my room. I haven't eaten in a few hours. Conditions are favorable that I will eat soon. Snack watch is in effect.

Actually, now that I think about it, that situation with snacks is not really like thunderstorms. If there is a Thunderstorm warning (one has been spotted nearby) I'm thinking there's a pretty good chance I'm gonna get some rainage. But, if I am popcorn, and a snack watch is in effect, I'm praying for a snack warning, because that means someone else is being eaten, which makes it LESS likely that I will be eaten, as opposed to MORE likely with the T-storms. Who knew?

The bigger they are...

I'd like to take a couple minutes to write about my nicknamesake, Michael Phelps. Just a couple short months ago, Phelpsie was on top of the world. 8 gold medals in one Olympics. Book deals, talk show appearances, sponsors, sponsors, sponsors. If you asked most people, they probably would have said he was a pretty good role model, willing to forgive and forget his past DUI.

We all know what has happened in the last two weeks. Well, new details about that house party came out today. Some members of the band who played at the party reported that Phelps was drinking, smoking, and bet $2,000 on a game of beer pong (which he subsequently lost). Alcohol, drugs, and gambling are common vices for athletes. Is it really a surprise that the man who dominates all four strokes in the pool gets brought down by the BadPR Trifecta? All I know for sure is this - that college kid who stood across the table from Phelpsie, beat him in beer pong, and took 2 grand in cash off him had better get some action. In fact I've inserted (no pun intended) that into my list of "Top stories to get you action." They are as follows

1. "I survived a shark attack. Wanna see my scars?"
2. "You know, you really can't appreciate life until you see Earth from outer space..."
3. "I beat Michael Phelps in beer pong with $4,000 on the table. I tried to get one of his gold medals, but he didn't have any on him. Ain't no thing.

Note: Number three replaces "I play baseball for the Yankees and make $27.5 million a year." Word on the street is those drugs don't enhance all kinds of performance.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Candlelight at Waffle House

On Valentine's Day, Waffle House is offering white-tablecloth service and candle-light dinners. Waffle House, I salute you. I think this is a great idea. For those unfamiliar with Waffle House (poor unfortunate Northerners), it is the kind of restaurant where you can load up with a lot of breakfast food for not a lot of cash. All you need is a big stomach and 8 bucks. I've been to several up and down the east coast.

While some people are sure to scoff at this V-day offering, guys out there, you've got to be with me that this is awesome. Let me put it this way. Valentine's day is about guys either taking their girls out to a nice dinner or, if you've really got skills, making them an elaborate dinner. Imagine if it was the other way around. A holiday where women took their men out to dinner. What would I want? Breakfast food. Fo sho. There are not too many things I enjoy more. Waffle House prices would take away the worries that my girlfriend was spending too much on me. And who doesn't enjoy a small flame between you and your eating partner? Check, check, check. The perfect storm. If my girlfriend took me to a waffle house candle light dinner for the Valentine's day for men, I would be super excited.

Not Whisper-In, but....

My Shout-out for the day goes to Bender for this gem

Scene: Us watching TV, commercial for once-a-month birth control comes on.
Me: "Is it hard to remember to take a pill every day?"
Bender: "Yeah, I've forgotten before.....(blank look)........Shit!"


No Bite It

Ok, so I found out tonight one of my housemates has a product called "Bite it." (Well, the symbol is the words 'bite it' with a big red circle with a slash through it, so maybe it's called "no bite it"). Anyway, this product is basically nail polish that tastes horrible so you will learn to stop biting your nails. REALLY? What the hell? Does this not sound awfully familiar to the way we condition pets to stop doing bad stuff? Allow me to demonstrate:

To stop _________ from ________, we put on __________. This way, she is bothered when she ___________ and will stop in the future.

Fill in the blanks
1. Housemate, biting her nails, BiteIt nail polish, bites her nails
2. A dog, running out of the yard, a shock collar, runs out of the yard

I've got a better solution. Something more human, and quite amusing to everyone else. Make a deal with your friends, that if any of them catch you biting your nails, they have permission to slap you across the face. If they catch you multiple times, the slap can be harder than the previous one. I believe this to be a foolproof system.
-You will definitely stop biting your nails
-Your friends will get to either slap you in the face or watch others slap you in the face and laugh.

It's as simple as that. Slapping makes sense.

If you're on the shore, then you're sure not me

The Lonely Island Album, "Incredibad" dropped today. In addition to all of the top 5 songs I posted about a couple of days ago, there's a couple other excellent tracks. My personal favorite at the moment is "Dreamgirl." "Like a Boss" is pretty good too. Well done guys.

Speaking of Lonely Island, I heard a story recently that I thought was pretty amazing. The three guys were shooting a video, called "Episode #1" In the video, they get a hold of some teeth whitener that makes them do crazy stuff. They were filming a scene where, after doing some whitening, they mug an old woman and take her purse. They had a guy dress up as the old woman. When they tried filming, it turns out Kiefer Sutherland (who plays Jack Bauer on TV's '24') was driving down the street, saw what happened, ran after and tackled one of the guys. When the "old woman" came up and told him to stop, he looked up and saw the cameras across the street. Classic. Jack Bauer - saving the world from terrorists and saving men dressed up as old ladies from their friends.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Monday Shout Out

My shout out for the day goes to my CrimLaw professor, for an excellent quote - "There's nothing more completely unpredictable than psychedelic mushrooms."

I could have sworn I had another one, but seeing as I am blanking at the moment, we'll call it a day.


I love slow news days. I really do. Because what happens on slow news days is obscure, strange headlines pop up on main news sites without me having to dig for em. Right now, the headlines on provide a wide overview of the several categories of headlines one might see on such a day. The following are actual headlines

There's the 'that's just wrong' headline - "Man, 47, marries girl, 8"
Then the 'I'm not even sure what that means...' headline - "Facebook flashbomb shuts down station"
The 'that had to hurt...' headline - "Teen's joy ride costs him an arm"
And the "I wish it was news when I did this' headline - "Ticker: Obama bumps his head"
Don't forget the 'terrible pun' headline - "Ringtones speak volumes about users"
The partial headline - "Madoff and SEC agree on partial..."
The 'that's too bad, but i don't really care' headline - "In rural Alaska, families struggle to survive"
And last, but not least, the 'YES! There's a video for this!' headline - "Porn star recruited to run for Senate"

I do love the news...

Sunday, February 8, 2009

More Shout outs

Shout outs for the day:

-The Lonely Island boys, and T-Pain, for "I'm on a Boat." It still cracks me up.

-The Attractive Nuisances, for an excellent flag football game

-To Sonic. See below.

A Salute to Sonic

We had a PAC Frat field trip to Sonic tonight. Sonic is amazing. Where do I begin? Let's start with the food. As Nick put it, "they've got everything. You want fish? They got fish. Tater tots? They got em." Breakfast menu available all day scores them big points. Tonight I threw down a cherry limeade, a cheeseburger, a corn dog, and some tater tots. Now that is a delicious meal.

And while the food is excellent, Sonic's true appeal is visible from the semi-major highway nearby or the IHOP next-door (seriously, what is that about? do all Sonic's have IHOPs near by?) The idea that I can order my food from my car by pushing a button and a guy/girl will roller skate out and give it to me makes the food so much better. Sonic combines my three favorite past times - eating, roller skates, and not getting up. Never before have they been integrated so well. If you've got a big group, there's picnic tables where you can eat, but you STILL don't have to go up to a window and order - its a push the button and talk situation. And so while I have mad love for the hedgehog, Sonic the restaurant will always have a special place in my heart.

Top 5 Digital Short Music Videos

With the airing last night of the newest of Andy Samberg's SNL Digital Short Music Videos, I decided to do a top 5. I had some hesitation, because all of these video's crack me up. So no disrespect to the bottom videos. My number 1 was clear, but after that, it could really be a four way tie. Well, here it it.

5. Jizz in My Pants

I saw JIMP for the first time on TV. I remember watching it and being...ok, what's going on. It's a bit of a slow starter, but when he drops the first one, oh man. However, as I watched it, I remember thinking - "I'm gonna send this to Rudy and Duarte in the morning, and they're gonna crack up!" I awoke in the morning to find that Duarte had beaten me to the punch. Still, a classic video. If I was a bigger Flight Of The Concords fan, I probably would have this up around 2 or 3. But it's on the iPod, and is definitely not a skip-over.

4. I'm on a Boat

This is the newest of the videos, unveiled yesterday. I again saw it on TV. As soon as Samberg goes "aaannnnddd.....T-Pain" I knew it was gonna be legendary. And it did not disappoint. T-Pain's solo about 2/3 of the way through is particularly awesome. It looks like they're on a real yacht. I hope it's T-Pain's, otherwise the video must have been all kinds of expensive. A great addition to the collection.

3. Dick in a Box

A classic with my boy JT. Again, a slow starter, but goes off quick. My favorite part has gotta be towards the end with the holiday's. Timberlake as the Rabbi especially. I know a lot of people out there would have this at number 1. No disrespect, it's a worthy choice. But there's two I like just a little bit more...

2. Natalie Raps

A lot of people might not have seen this one. It's my dark horse, but it's absolutely hilarious. It begins as a Natalie Portman interview, but turns into her rapping. It's quite obscene to the point of being hilarious. Samberg makes an appearance in the end dressed as a viking of sorts. I know there's some doubt as to whether this should count in the Samberg music video category. While he's not as prominent as in others, I threw it in there. If you ha vent seen this, check it out.

1. Lazy Sunday

For me, it doesn't get better than Lazy Sunday. I think this really put Andy on the map. Samberg and Chris Parnell rap about the Chronicles of Narnia and cupcakes. Two of my all time favorite lines - "Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals CRAZY DELICIOUS!" and "You can call me Aaron Burr the way I'm dropping Hamilton's!" Classic. This one, unfortunately has been removed pretty well from YouTube. But if you can find it, definitely watch it. Without a doubt my all time favorite.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


Tizzle's shout outs for the day

-To Tim, for some excellent tennis skillz in his 6-2, 7-6(5) win

-To Megan, Raf, Ryan, Erin, and Tim for some sweet RockBanding.

-No Frank, I didn't forget you. You get a special shout out for saving me on multiple occasions. Sorry I said you were around for the Constitution. You know I mean it with love.

If any of my jokes during RB were over the line, I extend my apologies. Getting drubbed on the hard court + bangin on drums doesn't exactly get my sympathy blood flowing. But you guys rock. literally and figuratively. PAC!

RockBand and February

RockBand is amazing. Turning video games - once considered anti-social, into gatherings where four people can play at once while others watch and wait their turn to jump in on the next song is just fun. Tonight I was hesitant to play, but was talked into it, and I couldn't be happier. It was epic. I rocked all 4 instruments tonight I think, ending with the vocals of Linkin Park's "One Step Closer" Let's just say if we had neighbors, they would be complaining. I personally have not played Guitar Hero's world tour, which I hear is good also.

An interesting scenario I have never encountered before - 2 weeks when changing my wall calendar, I discovered that February starts on a Sunday, and ends on a Saturday. Which means the entire bottom row of my calendar is COMPLETELY BLANK! It makes me so happy. I challenge anyone to find me one person who likes February. It starts off with a bang (Groundhog's day), has a bit o pick me-up in the middle with Valentine's day, but other than that it's just mother nature saying "ooooo...spring is coming....wait for it....wait for it......hahahahaha now its freezing again, take that suckers!" What is that about. I got out and played tennis today just because I have no clue how long this heat wave will last. Although I don't know if you could call what I did out there "tennis." There was a racket, and some tennis balls, but the skill was quite minimal.

Shout Out

Today's Shout-Out goes to Ryan, for DDing tonight. An honorable favor that will no doubt be returned in the near future.

Friday, February 6, 2009


For those of you who don't watch How I Met Your Mother, you really should. It's an awesome show. A big part of the awesomeness of the show is certainly Barney Stinson (played by Neil Patrick Harris). Robin Scherbatsky is another one of the main characters (played by the amazing Cobie Smulders). I have been a fan of these two since the beginning, and have been waiting til they got together. It seems like something that has been destined from the beginning. The show has 5 main characters - Marshall, Ted, Lily, Robin, and Barney. Marshall and Lily have been engaged since the beginning (minus about half a season), and while Ted and Robin were early love interests, we know from the very first episode that they don't end up together. Which leaves Barney and Robin.

We've seen the pattern before - characters who are friends, and who are opposites in a lot of ways but end up together in the end. Classic example - Monica and Chandler. Recent episodes seem to indicate that this could be happening soon. I am very excited. However, Robin is not the only one who has been seeing a lot of Barney recently. She is joined by my friends. I find myself unable to control my use of Barney-isms as of late. In the last 5 months, my use of the phrase "what up?" in a high pitched voice has increased exponentially. My favorite Barneyism - "Whenever I'm feeling _________, I just stop being ___________ and start being awesome. True story." - has become a personal statement. I even started this blog as a tribute to Mr. Stinson. While I still hold onto my true identity, Barney's influence has been undeniable. I know I have some friends out there who appreciate it (what up Hornbook?), but to everyone else, if it gets to be too much, I extend my apologies.

Headed out. Maybe I'll suit up...

Good Idea/Bad Idea

Good idea: Professors bringing food to class. My law skills professor and TA do this on a regular basis, and I approve. While it is likely they are trying to give us energy so we will talk in class and/or win back our approval for scheduling their class as our only Friday class, I do enjoy the pick me up. When I was student teaching, I would have liked to have done this more. Unfortunately the school frowned upon it, and I had 45 kids in a class, so it was difficult at time. When we did a Jeopardy-type game, my cooperating teacher did something cool. She would give them candy as a reward, but tell them "Now, I'm giving you PENCILS, right? If any parents or teachers ask you about this, you got PENCILS, right?" The kids liked it, and we never got in trouble.

Bad idea: Not having situational awareness. If you are one of the world's most recognized atheletes and you are at a house party in South Carolina, the thought that someone might have a camera while you are smoking pot should go through your head. Likewise, if you are an actor, you might want to realize that there might be a microphone around. Consider your image. The vast majority of Americans haven't seen American Psycho. Myabe some have seen The Prestige. But to most, you are not Christian Bale. You are Batman. The calm but powerful defender of Gotham. Live up to it.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Daily Shout Outs

Props to...
-My legal research professor, with a great quote: "I didn't give up at that point, because I'm a librarian!"

-Nick, for his analysis of a sad situation. We were watching online videos of "slapfest" - a radio station contest involving people standing toe-to-toe slapping each other across the face. "We are 5 grown men watching grown men slapping other grown men."

-DeVon, Frank, Holly, and Matt, for gettin me through some crazy research.

2 Reasons I Don't Do 25 things...

A recent facebook chain-mail virus going around is the 25 things. You've probably seen it - the idea is you write 25 things about yourself, and then send it to 25 friends, in hopes that they will do the same. While on average 2.6 of them will follow instructions, the other 22.4 people will quickly scan the 25 things for mention of their name or some inside joke, and then discard the list. To date, I have been tagged in 4 "25 things" lists, and I stand pat with my 21.4 other compatriots in not making a list of things. Why? For starters, I don't think I could do it. I don't think there are 25 "interesting" things about me. I could do a "2 things" or maybe even a "6 things." But 25?!!? I would undoubtedly be stretching into useless things that no one needs to know ("#17: I had two crabs when I was young. They died.") The fact that that was typed and sent to 25 people does no one any good.

But another problem is inherent here. It forces you to rank your 25 best facebook friends. Imagine sitting in a group of 3 people, and you say "oh, that's like Cornelius' 25 things!" One of your friends says "oh yeah! That was hilarious!" Your other friend, however, now puts his head down, and mutters "oh...I didn't know Cornelius did one...guess I didn't make the cut...." We all know what happens now. Friend 2 goes home, facebooks Cornelius, and his 25 things list has suddenly become a "25 people Cornelius likes more than me" list. Welcome to Future News 10. This just in: Cornelius killed in his sleep. To me, something like this can only lead to drama amongst friends. The only people who should make these lists are people who have fewer than 26 facebook friends. Alternative solution: you should have to do one thing for every friend you have. Caution: do not be on the lookout for my list of "600 things"

Shout Outs

Today's Shout-outs

-My criminal law professor, for his flawless and quite entertaining rendition of the Faulkner case

-LeBron James, for his 52-10-11 performance at MSG, just nights after Kobe's 61. People were expecting big things, and you certainly lived up to the hype.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Whatever, I Do What I Want!

This is the first segment of a little piece I'd like to call...Whatever, I Do What I Want!

Today's "Whatever, I Do What I Want!" Award goes to the 264 members of the House who voted to extend the TV switchover date almost 4 months. Let's face it, this whole transition thing just came out of nowhere, didn't it? I mean, the ads have only been on the air for months. And on the radio. And in print. And the coupons, well they've only been distributed for months and months as well. It seems perfectly reasonable to me that these people who have gone almost a year doing nothing will certainly do something now that they will not be affected for another 4 months.

Supporters argue that 6.5 million households would lose TV coverage without the delay. There are those out there who have no means (money and/or time) to go buy a converter box. It is for these people I sympathize. But of the 6.5 million, I would venture a guess that the vast majority of these people are at least 1 of three things: clueless, uncaring, or procrastinators. (My girlfriend will likely tell you I am all three. She is probably correct.) The clueless don't know whats going on, the uncaring are not going to do anything anyway and are probably looking for something to complain about, and procrastinators have waited til the 11th hour. Are any of these people going to be helped/affected by pushing back the deadline? No. The clueless will still be clueless, the uncaring will still be uncaring, and we have enabled the procrastinators. The hard working leaders of the transition lose a whole lot of credit, and we'll see how seriously the transition gets taken in June when people know it could just be pushed back.

And so to those members of the House who voted for the delay, I respectfully disagree.

Let it Begin!

Welcome to my blog. For those of you who know me, I am shy, quiet, well mannered, and not at all obnoxious, so consider this a place where true feelings and thoughts will flow. I am also currently developing some way to express sarcasm while typing. Will keep you posted.

Foreword: I'd like to take a moment and share the inspiration for this blog. Full disclosure. For just under four years now, a certain individual, henceforth known as "Less Than Three," has been in my life. However, what may be perceived by others as a healthy friendship on the outside is a brutal competition on the inside. LTT has without a doubt made it his mission to become better at everything that I do. Citing a questionable "knee injury," Less Than Three became a coxswain, and with his afro looks much more bad-ass in a boat than I ever could. And what about that knee injury? It seems pretty clear that it was to cement his legacy in flag football glory forever, while sadly I will be forgotten. Showing off his computer skills, he continuously bombards me with misleading links that open an uncloseable window on my computer. When he found out I was going to get a graduate degree, he enrolled in a program that would also earn him a degree - in one less year. Coincidences? I think not.

In a constant quest for sympathy for his knee "injury," Less Than Three will often interrupt others by saying, "did someone say knee surgery?" - even when no one has said anything sounding remotely like 'knee surgery'. At a recent crew function, LTT pulled a balloon and pump out of nowhere and proceeded to make a balloon dog. Was there a purpose to this? One - to show off.

Ladies and gentlemen, time and time again my efforts to outdo the doer have fallen, like my stature, short. Well when an opportunity presents itself, I am not one to sit idly by. I was recently informed that Less Than Three attempted to begin blogging several months ago. Well, it appears he is human after all - after a few posts his blog fell silent and forgotten.

Which is what brings me here today. Perhaps this was all a crafted trick - LTT set up a blog, let it rot, induced me to start my own, and then will make his far superior as soon as I get started to beat me yet again. Perhaps. but that is a chance I am willing to take. This is my chance to begin to put some points back in my column. While right now he is the Nadal to my Federer, I will rise again.