"Captain" Crunch

First of all, let me say I have no issue with the Captain's product. Cap'n Crunch, Crunch Berries, and Peanut Butter Crunch (especially Peanut Butter Crunch) are all fantastic cereals. But I've got some issues with the Cap'n himself.

1) His eyebrows are not attached to his face, they are attached to his hat! This is a terrible situation. If in sailing the high seas, his hat were to blow off, he would no longer be able to express the emotions of surprise or skepticism. Even on land, there are certain situations where, regardless of naval rank, you are just not supposed to wear a hat. Let's just say I hope those eyebrows on the hat are just for show and he's got some real ones underneath.

2) I have to question the purpose and physics of those blue flaps on the side of his face. The one on his right (our left) side seems to be pinned between his moustache and his hat, while the left looks like there's clearly a little space between the hat and the flap. If they are somehow attached to his invisible body, are they just cheek warmers? If you have earned the title of captain, you should be a little tougher than that, sir. Which leads me to suspect some foul play. Here's how it must have gone down. With the last name of Crunch, how could he not be the spokesman for a cereal? But 1st Lieutenant Crunch just didn't have the same ring to it. So the higher-ups at Quaker pulled a few strings to get him there early. Have you no shame, Quaker?

3) The alleged Captain sports some bling on each shoulder. The right one (our left) shows 7 distinct pieces. While they may look like gold, don't be fooled. My source on the inside informs me that they are actually 6 pieces of Kix cereal and 1 oversize Cheerio. And while Cap'n Crunch gets his commission from Quaker, both Kix and Cheerios are owned by...GENERAL MILLS. That's right, this is a battle of ranks. The Captain is wearing the General's jewelry. I'd like to believe that the General is unaware of this, but I can't imagine that he is. We have gone a long time without any retaliation, but the same source says it might not last longer. Be on the lookout...