Monday, May 2, 2011

Final Transmission

It is with nothing but fond memories that I announce this will be the final Blawegsome post. It's something I've enjoyed and I believe its run its course and has reached the time to hang it up. Blawegsome began as a side project to my law school education, and as my graduation approaches on Saturday I couldn't think of a better time to ride off into the sunset.

This blog was started with two goals, and I believe it has accomplished both. The first was to finally beat my friend "Less Than Three," the man who is good at everything, at something. I recently received a text message confirming his surrender. Check. The second goal was to bring news and commentary on ridiculous and entertaining world events to my faithful followers. I've done my best.

It's been a good ride. Whenever I go home, my mother asks me what has been going on with the Large Hadron Collider and TrashBerg. My father remarked once that my blog was "pretty well written," which is extremely high praise coming from my old man. My friends nag me about my lack of posting. Signs that they care.

While Blawegsome comes to an end, the threat remains. Trashberg continues to expand, as does the Trashberg monster that lives inside. The Large Hadron Collider moves closer and closer to its full-speed fire-up in late 2012, "coincidentally" coinciding with the predicted Mayan-calendar Apocalypse. And while silent since their instant destruction of thousands of fish and birds, Aliens remain lurking above and beyond. I hope my warnings and call of constant vigilance do not fall on deaf ears before it's too late.

Besides awareness of these threats, my other hope for the future is that continues to post ridiculous headlines. They are truly entertaining and a blessing to all of us.

There will be days when I will have the urge to post. The day the next fast food masterpiece hits the market, blowing the KFC Double-Down to pieces. The day the first 100th anniversary Titanic memorial cruise pulls out of the harbor. When the phrase I have been bringing back "That is neither here nor there," actually comes back. When someone invents meat that tastes like animal crackers. And when someone opens a restaurant where everything is served on a stick.

It's been an honor bringing you the stories of the day. I cannot express my gratitude to my readers, especially all my law school friends who would tell me they liked my post the next day when they saw me, or anyone who sent me stories to post about. I wish I could have done a Profile in Awesome on all of you guys. A special shout out to Hornbook, Blawegsome's number one fan. But to everyone, a sincere thank you - you made writing about Snuggies while wearing a Snuggie even more fun than it already was. And that is truly saying something.

All the best,
-Only My Couch Knows Me

PS DeVon really is a superhero. Just sayin'.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Friends vs True Friends

There's a lot of sayings out there about the difference between friends and true friends. Sayings like "a friend will come bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying 'Damn, that was fun!'" Well after today I will add my own to the list: Friends will include you in conversations, but true friends will carry on like you aren't even in the room.

It may sound strange, but I stand behind it. I was sitting in the computer lab today when three of my true friends came in. After a brief discussion of class, murder, and kids who are alright, their conversation shifted to P90X and the other measures they are taking to get in dress-shape for the upcoming Barrister's ball. Quotes from the conversation included:
"My Kim Kardashian is getting out of control!"
"Last night I was sitting on the porch with the roomie drinking wine...which probably doesn't help this situation."
"[something about jiggling, the exact words I wish I could remember]"

As you can imagine, I was extremely entertained by the girl-talk, and was extremely grateful that my presence did not trigger a censor that would have kept deprived me of that entertainment. For that, I thank them...which brings me back to my original point. While friends may have whispered, moved to another room, or just changed the topic of conversation due to my presence in their midst, these three true friends just acted like I wasn't even there. And I could not be happier about it.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Richmond Madness

The NCAA tournament, affectionately known as March Madness, has lived up to its name yet again. Despite many commentators predicting a lot of chalk in this year's bracket (translation: few upsets), I didn't buy it for a second. This was the hardest bracket I've ever filled out, and the games this year have shown why.

This last 4 days was, in my opinion, the best opening rounds of tournament play in a long time. Not just for the upsets, but the competitiveness of the games. A lot of games have come down to the final seconds, including one of the wildest endings you will ever see (Pitt vs. Butler). For those who love the college game, this has been a great reminder why. Teamwork, passion, excitement, this year's tournament has it all.

But perhaps nowhere is the tournament excitement greater than here in the River City. The NCAA field of 68 teams has been narrowed down to 16, and the city of Richmond can proudly boast TWO of those remaining teams. The Spiders of Richmond were given a 12-seed in the tournament, and subsequently beat 5-seed Vanderbilt and 13-seed Morehead State. VCU was the talk of Selection Sunday, with virtually everyone outside of the selection committee feeling that they should not have been in the tournament. The Rams won their play-in game to get the 11-seed, knocked off 6-seed Georgetown, and then looked like a #1 seed in a complete demolition of 3-seed Purdue last night.

The Spiders have the tough task of facing #1 Kansas in the next round. VCU, however, gets #10 Florida State. The dream could live on. If by some amazing feat, they each win their next game, the two would face each other in a regional final for a spot in the final 4. While that may be unlikely, anything is possible, especially this year.

It should be noted, as my friend and former blogger Mr. Haywood pointed out this afternoon, that a 6-mile stretch of the city of Richmond has as many Sweet 16 teams as the Big East, the alleged super-conference who was awarded a record 11 bids. And perhaps the only reason they have two teams left is that those two teams played Big East teams, so someone had to advance. Big East supporters will argue that the teams are actually better but they beat themselves up during conference play. To this point, my father had an eloquent response: "No no no...they ain't worth didly squat." Either way, its a great year for mid-majors.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Mustache March

There are days, weeks, or months honoring/referencing pretty much anything. Sometimes people even make up their own months (I'm still convinced one day Toyotathon will actually be on the calender).

But as it turns out, facial hair actually has TWO months. Thousands of razors go on hiatus for "No-Shave November" or "Beardvember," which to be honest barely qualifies as a play on words, and then again just a few months later for "Mustache March." Given my affection for alliteration, I thought I would give it a shot.

I consider myself to be pretty good at a variety of activities. Growing facial hair is not one of them. So I decided to give myself a little bit of a head start. The stache began on February 12. While it initially started as a complete shavecation, it became clear that a ear-to-ear beard was not going to happen, so I decided to stick to the stache and goatee.

My favorite part of the experience has no doubt been people's reactions, specifically the "you look _______" or "you look like _______." Some of my favorites so far:
-V for Vendetta
-Johhny Depp
-A magician
-Edward Norton
-So sinister
-A porn star
-The Devil
-Completely ridiculous

I am sure there have been others that are just not popping into my head right now. Anyway, the shave date has not been set. It will at least stick around until the end of the month. I have contemplated keeping it until the bar exam (end of july) I guess we will find out.

On a side note, a thank you to all of my friends who have been bugging/pestering/sending me emails informing me how many days it had been since my last blawegsome post. It has been busy times, but I will do my best to do better. Much love.

PS Still not sure about the correct spelling of "mustache" (or is it "moustache") Both look weird. Thoughts?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Hypocalypse Update: Birds and Fish

Readers know I am a fan of end-of-the-world theories. In fact, I have my own Hypocalypse (Hypothetical Apocalypse) scenario involving aliens, the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, and the Large Hadron Collider. It's the subject of my in-progress screenplay, "Wasted Planet."

Anyway, most of the chatter involving the end of the world centers around 2012 - supposedly when the Mayan character predicts the end of days. But 2011 started off with a bang. The year kicked off with thousands of black birds falling from the sky in Arkansas. Then, in other parts of the world, it kept happening. More birds around the world dying off massively. Thousands of fish washing up dead on shore. And its happening all around the world.

Legitimate explanations for the deaths have been hard to come by. The first round of birds was at first "explained" by saying that the birds were scared by fireworks and flew into each other. Fireworks, of course have no affect on fish, or other bird deaths. The question remains: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE ?

The explanation gaining the most credence seems to involve a shift in Earth's magnetic poles. The Earth's magentic field flips from time to time (thousands of years in between) and in between shifts, the Earth's magnetoshpere can weaken. The magnetosphere protects the Earth from harmful space radiation, and when it weakens threatening rays come in through the magentosphere and apparently kill all birds and fish.

Someone asked me recently if these events have caused me to rethink my Hypocalypse. Far from it. In fact, this new explanation supports all legs of my theory:

1) Aliens. The damage is being caused by harmful radiation coming FROM SPACE. Need I say more?

2) The Great Pacific Garbage Patch. The magnetic shift is obviously taking its toll on fish. The shift will likely cause an acceleration in the gyre forming the TrashBerg, bringing more trash to the center as the TrashBerg Monster continues to grow. But the real key is that the growing TrashBerg Monster will now have more organic material to build around in the form of thousands of dead fish. I'll admit this was always the biggest concern I had in my theory - I didn't think the trash alone could bring in enough fish to spark the growth. Problem solved.

3) The Large Hadron Collider. The LHC has been run at about half-speed, but due to some necessary adjustments and repairs that need to be made is not scheduled to be cranked up to full speed until the end of next year. The Collider has been plagued with problems since its inception, and while these recent developments may help in that there will be fewer birds to drop baguette chunks into the machinery and cause massive meltdowns (actually happened), a shift in the Earth's magnetic field is just about the least thing a troubled atomic particle accelerator needs right now.

Needless to say, things are still right on track. I'll keep an eye out and report any significant developments, but for now, just keep an eye on any birds or fish you might be close to. Griffin Tribesman- I'm not sure if you could be affected, given your half-bird status, but I'd be cautious just to be safe. Go Tribe.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Year, New Post

So it has been a REALLY long time since my last post. I will do my best to not have another lapse like that. Way too busy for my own liking.

As the holiday season comes to a close, some of the last things to go are the numerous car commercials where a husband or wife purchases a new car for their spouse. The commercials show the couple coming downstairs on Christmas morning, and the car is "under" the tree with a giant ribbon. The car recipient always is very pleasantly surprised.

To me, this just doesn't seem realistic. If this scenario ever happens to me in the future, I think it's pretty safe to say I will ask (or at least be thinking) the following questions:

1. "What am I supposed to do with a car in the house? I can walk around my house just fine. I don't need a car to get from the living room to the kitchen."
2. "On a related note, how exactly did you get a car in the house??? I distinctly remember you complaining when we had to try to bring the loveseat through the front door. This car is at least 6 times the size of that loveseat. Seriously, did you have a wall taken out?"
3. "Shouldn't we have talked about this? I mean, this is a pretty significant purchase. I have a pretty good idea about the state of our finances, and I'm pretty sure you must have dipped into Jimmy's college fund to make a down payment. Either that or you have some secret bank account I don't know about. Either way, I feel like you've got some explaining to do."
4. "You do realize I will be driving this for at least 6 years. You don't think I would have liked to pick out the color, or some optional features?"

Let's be practical people. Cars should not be Christmas presents.

I hope everyone had a great holiday season and a happy new year!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Late Night Boatwright Fashion

On this week's edition of Late Night at Boatwright, I've decided to do a little profile on people who walk through the door of the second floor quiet study room. The second floor quiet study room is generally pretty quiet, save the ironically loud door to the men's room, which SLAMS shut loudly unless you close it carefully. The bathrooms in the quiet room mean that people are walking in and out every few minutes.

It's that awkward time of year in Virginia where you don't really know if today it's going to be 72 degrees or 50 degrees. Yesterdays temperature is of little guidance, as the temperature can hop from one extreme to another and back again in a Canadian summer. And so it is the perfect time of year to document something that we all exhibit (some more than others): FASHION.

What follows are the outfits of actual students walking in and out of the Boatwright Library study room.

Gender: Male
Pants: Jeans. Frayed on the bottom, one hole on the backside, one hole on the knee. The smart money says he purchased them in that condition. Sidebar: I think I could probably make a decent living running a business where people bring me their jeans in good condition and I make them "stylish" by tearing holes in them, fraying the bottom, and...well...let's just say I'd find a way to give them that gross yellow tint.
Shirt: Beige striped polo, short sleved. Pretty standard around these parts. Not that I should talk.
Accessories: Gray scarf. Because I cannot tell you how many times my forearms are hot by neck is freezing cold. If you are going to make the statement to the world that you value fashion over academics, at least match your colors. C'mon man.

Gender: Female
Pants: Black tights. The recent tights-as-pants trend unstoppable. I see about 20 girls a day that clearly think tights are pants. The summer before I left for college, I was talking to my grandma on the phone and she asked if I had enough khakis and dress pants, because she didn't think kids should be allowed to wear jeans to class under a dress code. All I can say is Grandma you would be shocked and appalled walking around campus some days.
Shoes: Ugg boots. Of course. The "perfect" compliment to tights-as-pants. Sidebar: I really need to invent a font that conveys sarcasm. Seriously. There is no sarcasm in that sentiment. See how difficult it is? Anyway, I guess tights-and-ugg-boots makes more sense than a short jean skirt and ugg boots. For that logic, see Mr. Polo shirt and scarf above.

Gender: Male
Shirt: Plain white undershirt. Not under anything.
Pants: Black track pants with three white stripes down the side.
Sandals: Black sandals with three white stripes.
Why it WORKS: The stripes on the pants and sandals are somehow staying perfectly aligned when he walks. It's pretty incredible. My hat is off to you, sir.

Gender: Female
Pants: Black tights. Again.
Shoes: Ugg Boots. Again.
Shirt: Couldn't see, because she had a bright pink raincoat on. It is not raining, as we are indoors. Even outside, it has not rained for days. So why the raincoat? In addition to the pink raincoat, this girl is also sporting one of the saddest frowns I have seen in quite some time. I mean, it's 1:30 AM at the library. No one is really happy. But I feel really bad for this girl - she looks really down. Which I guess explains the raincoat, as she must have a tiny raincloud following her around everywhere. It's the only explanation. I hope things get better, raincoat girl!

Gender: Female
Pants: Wesleyan sweatpants
Shirt: Yale T-shirt
Hat: U of R hat
Someone is confused.

That's all for now. When it comes to weather and outfits, tomorrow is certainly a new day.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Profiles in Awesome: Paul the Octopus

It is with a heavy heart that I award my first posthumous Profile In Awesome to Paul the Octopus.

Soccer fans around the world fell in love with Paul during this last world cup, when he correctly predicted the result of every world cup game thrown his way. In case you missed it, here's how he did it: two plastic containers were placed in Paul's tank, each with a mussel inside. The German flag was on one container, while the flag of their opponent was on the other container. Before each game, Paul would open up the lid of the country that he predicted to win.

Paul predicted every Germany game, as well as the final match between Spain and the Netherlands. In the end, his win total was matched only by his number of legs, as Paul went a perfect 8-for-8 throughout the tournament.

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Paul was flattered like few others. Imitation animal predictors began popping up left and right. Parakeets, parrots, even an Australian crocodile. Paul, meanwhile, refused to let the limelight change him. It is rare when someone with great powers truly retires in their prime, on top of the world. Paul did just that. After the cup ended, he returned to his old hobby of entertaining children that came to see him. He lived out his days until last night, when he passed away due to natural causes.

I salute you, Paul. You captivated an entire country with your brilliance and foresight. You were a German octopus, but you didn't let your nationality get in the way of your objective decision making, boldly predicting the German team to lose to Serbia in the group stage. Your pick of Spain to beat Germany in the semifinals in the face of public outcry and death threats was nothing short of extraordinary.

They say trouble comes in threes. Paul the Octopus showed us that good things can come in eights. And for that, we thank you. Rest in Peace, Paul the Octopus.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

San Francisco: I Did It My Way

I recently took a trip out to the West Coast to the beautiful city of San Francisco. It was an excellent trip. Is that enough of an intro? I think so.

The story actually begins about a month-and-a-half ago, when I was driving home. A local radio station had been giving away trips to concerts in big cities all summer. One of the trips was to San Francisco to see The Script. On this late August afternoon, the station had actually given away that trip already. But when the DJ came on the radio, I knew right away something was about to happen. My phone was ready.
DJ: "I told you earlier about (name of winner) who won the trip to San Francisco to see The Script, BUT"
Me: [I call the station]
DJ: "...she can't go because of work. SO"
Me: [Phone is ringing]
DJ: "I'm opening it up to everyone. Be caller 9 right now and the trip is yours."

Now on the phone:
DJ: "Hello!"
Me: "Hey, how's it goin?"
DJ: "I'm good, how you doin?"
Me: "Well I'm pretty awesome but hoping to be a lot more awesome right about now..."
DJ: "Well I think I can make that happen, cause you are caller 9 you are going to SAN FRANCISCO."
Me: [Awesome freak out]

And thus the trip was won. I decided to take my little sister. We had been to San Fran once before, in 1999. During that trip, our parents were on some wine tour or other excursion and foolishly left us in the care of our cousin Brandon, who lived in an apartment above a bar somewhere in the city. We woke up on a Saturday morning when Brandon, the ingenious inventor of egg cobbler, had to go into work. Me, my brother, and my sister were left in the apartment. My brother and sister decided to take to the streets in search of breakfast while I stayed behind and held down the fort. While it all worked out, my parents were less than thrilled when they found out. Needless to say, my sister and I were excited to once again wander the streets of San Francisco in search of breakfast without parental supervision.

Our trip began Wednesday morning with a 5:30 AM flight out of Richmond, with a quick stop in Charlotte and then the long one to San Fran. My sister slept, and I knocked out a business stats midterm. But what struck me most about the flight was just how uneventful it was. Even though I saw at least 3 babies board the flight, I did not hear any of them for the entire 5 hour flight. The person in front of me kept their seat upright for the entire flight. It was totally unremarkable, and in that way, was somewhat remarkable.

We landed in San Fran at 10 AM west coast time and made our way to the hotel. I was figuring the room would not be ready for several hours. Nope. It was ready to go. In one of the only minor hiccups of the the trip, I was surprised to find that the room had not yet been paid for. But I called my booking agent and that was taken care of quickly and easily. We dropped our bags, planned our afternoon, and took to the streets!

After an delicious and MASSIVE lunch at a Thai restaurant, we made our way up to Fisherman's Wharf, where we found the worlds worst street performer. I kid you not. This guy was technically a comedian/magician, but was terrible at both. His jokes were not funny, inappropriate, and awkward, and he probably did about 2 total minutes of juggling in a 30 minute show and then his grand finale was escaping from a straight-jacket. We also discovered the San Fran sea lions. There is a dock where dozens and dozens of sea lions just pile onto each other and sunbathe. Literally piles of them. It was pretty awesome.

Wednesday night we went to the concert. It was a great show. Other than the band of course, highlights included a 45 year old woman sitting down in the middle of the dance floor to put on lipstick, the entire Asian family in front of my sister, all with ear-plugs, standing completely still throughout the entire show, and the fact that the music in between the opening act and The Script included Empire State of Mind.

On Thursday we wandered Union Square, rode a cable car, and went to the Exploratorium. All awesome. The day and trip ended in grand fashion, when we met up with my friend Richard and his friend Lan, for some sushi and some drinks. Sadly, my friend David was not able to make it out. David, here is what you missed:

We found a bar in Japantown that was pretty much empty until we came in. There was a closed off karaoke room attached to the bar. We asked about it and were told it was $75/hour to be in there. While initially shocked, our surprise was soon answered by the constant presence of well-dressed women walking in and out of the room. But the night was made when a Japanese man took the stage and belted out a truly inspired and heavily-accented version of Frank Sinatra's "My Way." It was an unforgettable moment.

From there we made our way to the airport, where we walked right up to security (literally NO security line) made it to the gate, and enjoyed a pleasant red-eye back to Dulles and then down to Richmond. Again, zero screaming babies. I watched a movie and then got some sleep. It was excellent.

They say you get what you pay for. I was a little worried that a free trip would give me a lot of troubles. But it was some of the smoothest traveling I have ever done. The hotel was pretty nice. Every meal we had was HUGE. The weather was perfect. All in all, it was a great trip. I can't wait to go back.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Heart Surgery Can Wait. This Is Football.

It is a crazy world we live in. Simple decisions are almost non-existent, and with all kinds of factors to consider, it can be easy to lose sight of your priorities.

That's why I want to give a big SHOUT-OUT to Major Hester, a 69-year-old retired office supply clerk and devout Michigan State football fan. Hester suffers from cardiomyopathy and needs surgery to have a pacemaker put in. That surgery was scheduled for today, Thursday the 7th. There was just one little problem: Michigan State is 5-0, ranked 17th in the nation, and playing in-state rival Michigan this weekend, who is also 5-0 and ranked 18th in the nation.

With such a huge game on tap for Saturday, Hester was not about to take any chances of missing that game. So he postponed his heart surgery because he can't take the chance of something going wrong on the operating table and keeping him from watching the game.

My heart goes out to you, Mr. Hester (pun intended). I commend you for staying true to your team. If cardiomyopathy is a weakening of the heart muscle, I'm guessing in your case it's that it is just too tired from loving Michigan State so much. When it comes down to it, a surgery next Tuesday will be virtually identical to a surgery today. But watching such a big game as it happens is something that cannot be duplicated.

I'm sure there are people out there who think you are foolish, Mr. Hester. They will be quick to point out how passionate you get about games and that that kind of excitement will spell trouble for a heart already weakened and in need of surgery. Sure, you've been known to smack a few coffee tables in your day, scream at coaches and curse at refs. But that is just part of being a fan. And you've been known to show restraint as well. You give yourself pep talks to stay calm, and turn the TV down to keep from getting too excited.

And so I give Major Hester a big "good for you!" for postponing your heart surgery until after the Michigan/Michigan State game on Saturday. You certainly have your priorities in order. Blawegsome approved.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Baby Fist Bump

I've been fortunate enough to have some pretty amazing moments in my life. In 1993 I met Bill Nye the Science Guy. In 1995 I caught the last out as my little league team won the City Series Championship. In 2003 I was a contestant in my high school's Mr. Colonial competition, a male beauty pageant/talent contest where my "evening wear" was pajamas and part of my talent was fitting my entire body through a coat hanger. In 2005 I rode a camel through the run-down back alleys of Cairo. In 2007 I had ten papers due on the same day and I lived to tell the tale. In 2009 I won second-row tickets to a Jonas Brothers concert. Earlier this year a little girl asked me if I was Justin Bieber. While it has certainly been a charmed life, one recent event raised it to a whole new level.

On a recent Friday I attended a party at a friend's apartment. At a point in time there came an occasion when someone showed up with a baby. 10 weeks old. Adorable as can possibly be. Naturally, pretty much everyone was drawn to the baby. At one point, he was lying on the ground and I was sitting playing with him. I put out a fist for a fist bump. Instantly, the baby clenched his fingers into a fist and extended his little arm towards mine, meeting my hand in the most gratifying fist bump I have experienced.

The most amazing part came next. When our fists bumped, I exploded my hand backwards and made the appropriate sound effect, as is the social norm these days. In what was one of the happiest moments of my life, the baby exploded his fist bump out too! It. Was. Epic.

This baby will forever hold a special place in my heart. I hope one day when he grows up our paths will cross and I can tell him about that moment. Sadly, by the time that could happen, fist bumping and exploding will no doubt be so out of style that he will just think I am some weird old lame guy. That is the beauty and tragedy of the baby fist bump: it is, by its nature, pure and simple, and nothing more.

Busy times are ahead, but I'll do my best to post every now and then. Stay classy.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Next Clue

By now, readers know of my not-so-secret mission to FRAME CHINA. A few weeks ago I received the first clue of my mission - a cryptic numeric code conspicuously placed on a document. Since then, I have been eagerly awaiting the next clue.

This afternoon, I stumbled upon a USB drive with a large white sticker on it that caught my attention. It simply said "1GB CHINA." The casual observer might see this and think nothing of it, interpreting the sticker as meaning that this flash drive holds 1GB worth of data and was made in China. But the casual observer is not on a mission to frame china. There was no doubt in my mind that this was the clue I was searching for.

I was fortunate enough to find the clue next to S-Dub, my partner in crime. We sprang into action as she pulled up a list of 85 things GB means or stands for. And so in another effort to get feedback from my superiors about my progress, I present my top 10 interpretations of the meaning of GB in this context:

1. Ghetto Booty
2. Generation Breakdown
3. Generalized Bootstrap
4. Good Bye
5. Galactic Battlegrounds
6. Gastric Bypass
7. Gorgeous Blonde
8. Gerard Butler
9. Ginkgo Biloba
10. Sarin

Once again, I am reaching out to the higher ups for another message. If I am on the right track with one of these, please send me a sign confirming the option and how I should continue. If none of these 10 is the correct interpretation, please show me which way to go.

I await your next message.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Study Breaks with Animals

My friend Chris sent me an interesting story tonight from Above the Law. Apparently at Yale Law School, you are allowed to check out a dog for half an hour. That's right. An actual dog. His name is Monty. It's a great idea. I think it was Plato that once said "the only thing better than a study break is a study break to play with a dog."

In his subject, Chris wrote "Bring this to UR." Well a dog has been done - I say we need to be more awesome and go down a different road to not be copycats. Speaking of cats, the obvious alternative would be to have a kitten to check out, but a lot of people are allergic or just don't like cats. Our school's mascot doesn't lend itself well to the project - no one would want to play with a spider. I would rather just keep working.

And so it is with great pleasure that I announce the 2010 University of Richmond School of Law Students Campaign to Let Us Check Out a Koala From Our Circulation Desk

Koalas are cuddly, adorable, and loved by all. One could easily live behind the circulation desk with the small addition of a small tree and some eucalyptus leaves. They would be great to hang out with for thirty minutes, and would really add some credibility to the new International Center across the street. Oh, and just to clear up any confusion - there is not currently a koala living behind the circulation desk. That's DeVon.

Bottom line: The general morale of students under the academic pressure here could be greatly improved by the ability to make like Dora and leave the real world behind for 30 minutes. You know what they say - the worst 30 minutes with a Koala is better than the best 30 minutes of law school. Incidentally, also Plato.

If you are with me and would totally check a Koala out from the library to play with on a study break, update your Facebook status to say "KOALA." Feel free to like or comment on other statuses that you see. Together, we can throw endangered species lists to the wind and make this happen. Koala!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Vamos Rafa

They said he was a clay court specialist.
They said he couldn't win on grass.
They said he couldn't win on hard court.
They said he didn't have a backhand.
They said he could only play defensively.
They said he couldn't volley.
They said his serve would never be a weapon.
They said he couldn't stay healthy.

A big shout out tonight to my man Rafa Nadal, who took home the US Open tonight, completing the career grand slam. As some of you may know, I have been a huge Nadal supporter since he came onto the scene in '04-'05. Rafa continues down the path to greatness, and with the win today you will start to hear some people say what I have been saying for a year - that Federer's hold on the "Greatest of All Time" title may not be as solid as some people think. There will be plenty of time for speculation, and there is a TON of tennis to be played in the next 10 years, and if you really want to argue it I will, but for now, Rafa caps his third grand slam of the year. I'm gonna go ahead and make my prediction now: Nadal will win the 2011 Australian and complete the "Rafa Slam" - holding all 4 majors at the same time. Say what you want about the draw, the schedule, whatever you want, but if you watched him play this tournament, you know just how good he was and how much his game has improved in the last 2 years. It's scary.

It is a great time for the game. I cannot wait.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Farm Life

As some of you may know, I currently live on a farm. While I may have initially had some doubts about farm life, I must say that after 4 months I must say I am a big fan. At no time was this more evident than yesterday, when I was making a sandwich. I decided it needed some tomatoes. So I went out in the back and picked one, sliced it up, and put it on the sandwich. Exquisite, to say the least. The food has got to be the biggest perk. Lettuce, tomatoes, squash, and eggs are always at my fingertips - fresh and delicious. It is glorious.

Everyone needs a good hello to start their day. I get a chorus of them every day as I walk from my door to my car. Fine, in all likelihood the goats and chickens are probably trying to express something other than salutations, but its still nice to hear. Full disclosure - sometimes I talk balk. Don't judge, you probably would too.

But one of the most awesome things about the farm life has been watching the peacock babies. Our peacock eggs hatched earlier this summer (3 at first and then 3 more about 2 weeks later) The babies have grown up super fast. I realized recently that in an earlier post I mentioned "peacock babies falling from the sky" but never elaborated on the story. So, here it is. After the first group of babies was born, mommy and daddy peacock decided at some point that they could bring them up to the top of the big tree out front. And I do mean BIG. For a peacock, climbing a tree involves standing on one branch, and hopping up to a branch a few inches higher, then repeating until he/she gets to the top. Well the babies made it up to the least for the most part. I was walking by the tree when a baby peacock came tumbling down from the top of the tree. He landed about five feet away from me in the grass. I stopped, momentarily shocked by almost being hit from above with a peacock baby. What happened next was an amazing moment.

The baby peacock got up and shook it off, and then stared at me. I stared back. I don't know if he needed encouragement, but I nodded towards the base of the tree and said to the baby peacock "you got this." As if on command, he then waddled back over to the base of the tree and began making his way up again. I stayed and watched as he made it all the way up the tree to join the rest of his family.

Bottom line: It's a good life, down on the farm.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Federer gets his William Tell on, but IS IT REAL?

My good friend, former roommate, and #1 favorite German, Henrik, sent me this link just now, with the subject: "one question: is it real?" The video shows Roger Federer hitting a bottle off of someone's head with a tennis ball, William Tell style.

Roger is looking damn good in one hell of a suit, and it appears as if a photo shoot is wrapping up. He's talking to one of the crew members, and tells him to balance a bottle on his head. Fed then goes approx. 20 feet away, and hits a serve right at the guy, hitting the bottle and sending it flying. The camera is moving when he does it, so it's not conclusive. Then, he does it AGAIN. This time the camera is locked in place. You see him hit it, and again the bottle goes flying.

I've watched this video 7 times. While every skeptic fiber in my being (and there are a lot) wants to say that it is fake, I've come to the conclusion that IT IS REAL. Which is ridiculous. I'll take you through my thought process.

A true testament to how law school has changed me, my first thought was that he would never do something like this because of liability concerns. But the person holding the bottle seemed to be a totally consenting party accepting the risk. Plus, I am sure he wasn't hitting full speed. I doubt a miss-hit could do more than a bruise.

My second doubt was about the camera-work. But while the first shot is questionable at best, the second shot has the camera perfectly set where you can see Federer and the bottle-man. It would certainly be possible to fake this, but also possible that its real.

I think the thing that eventually swayed me to real was that it was Roger. If this was Novak Djokovic, or Andy Roddick, there would be no question in my mind that this was fake. Those guys are known for joking around and would be the type to pull something like this (Roddick did one years ago that showed him serving a ball that got lodged in a clay court). But Roger is different. Save the 2009 US Open final, he oozes class in everything he does, both on and off the court. While he is a warm personality, I just cannot believe he is the type that would make somethine like this.

I have been much more confident about many more things. There's a good chance this is fake, BUT I'm gonna go ahead and join the side of believers and say that this is REAL. Feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Profiles in Awesome: Mr. Simon

My fourth edition of Profiles in Awesome looks into the sweet life of my friend Mr. Simon.

Simon currently resides in the nation's greatest city, McLean, VA. A passionate environmentalist and aspiring poet, there is a softer side that few get close enough to see. Most, however, know Simon for his strong, manly, and all-around rugged exhibition of Judaism in motion. Simon lives his life like he plays his poker - without thinking. Just doing. But the joke's on you guys - he's gotten this far without thinking, he is sure as hell not about to start now.

Simon goes hard in all aspects of life. If you see him on a diamond, you can be sure it is a baseball diamond, not a softball one. And when at the plate, he has no use for an aluminum bat you might expect to see. No, sir. Simon won't take a swing unless there's a big piece of wood in his hands. Just as courageous off the field, Simon recently went toe-to-toe in a earthquake pun-off with the Pun King himself, and held his ground (see what I did there?)

Simon is well-liked by all who cross his path. His G-chat statuses turned Google Buzz postings average 14.7 comments per post, an impressive statistic. The recent slow-down in the wave of people friending him on Facebook is not due to any lack of popularity, but rather Facebook just not being able to keep up.

An above-average poker player, a good employee, a better son, and a somewhere-in-the-middle-of-all-those friend, Mr. Simon is a great individual to have around. He's been called "the best thing since sliced Challa" (or halla, depending on whether or not you spell it right). Invite him to your next gathering and he might just buy a suit for the occasion. Or at least put on some pants. Either way, you can't go wrong. When this Simon Says, I listen.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

How To Beat the 2:30 Feeling

First of all, a happy-birthday shout out to DeVon, and to my Mom. The fact that DeVon shares a birthday with my mother has to fit into my theory that we are actually brothers. I'm not quite sure how it fits in, but it must.

Speaking of absurd theories, I posted recently about my now-not-so-secret mission to FRAME CHINA. While I recognize I may have committed a crucial error in revealing the mission on Blawegsome, I figured it was a necessary step. For one thing, let's be real how many people see what I write here? 30? Enough said. Second, I had to a message back to the higher-ups that I needed more clues to know exactly what my mission entailed.

Well that message was received. On Friday afternoon I found myself at work, energetically analyzing contracts when I came across MY NEXT CLUE. At the bottom of every page of this one contract was a numerical code. Sure, a lot of contracts have codes, but what made this one stand out was...well...that it stood out. It had to be 100 point font and bold. On every page of a 15 page document. With an asterisk on either side. Now, due to company confidentiality I cannot reveal the code, but I can say to the higher-ups: message received. I will wait for your next clue.

Finally, astute readers may have picked up something strange about that preceding paragraph. You may have noticed that I was "energetic" at work on a Friday afternoon. Everyone knows that this doesn't happen. The post-lunch coma, the 2:30 feeling, whatever you want to call it - we all know what its like. 5-hour-energy has undertaken an extensive and costly marketing campaign aimed at people who suffer from just trying to make it until 5. But there may be another way - a way I discovered this last Friday.

The story begins on Thursday afternoon. At 5:00 the sky turned dark. The wind picked up. You could just tell the sky was about to open up. And open up it did. A fierce storm rolled through Richmond, drenching umbrella-less pedestrians and breaking tree limbs like Craig breaks newly-purchased baseball bats (too soon?). I stayed at work until the storm had gone through, and then took off for home. Unfortunately, my top 5 route choices were blocked by fallen trees. I finally made it home around 6:30 to find the electricity was out. I decided I would wait it out. I laid down for a nap, turning the light-switch on, so that when the power came back on, the lights would come back on, and I would wake up. I fell asleep at about 7.

I woke up. It was still dark - no power. It was dark outside. I checked my cell-phone. 2:30 AM. That's right, I had just taken a 7.5 hour nap. Mark and Henry, my college roommates can attest to my epic napping abilities, but this may have been close to a record. Anyways, my plan actually kind of worked, because the power came back on at 2:45. Well, I was awake. I knew I was not going to be able to fall back asleep for a while. So I did what seemed logical at the time - I fired up the grill and threw on a steak. It was delicious. At about 3:30, I briefly considered just getting dressed and going into work. I decided against it, and at 4:30 decided to get back into bed. I slept from 5:00 to 8:00, then got up and started the day.

That afternoon, Lauren and I tried a near-by Greek place for lunch. I got a MASSIVE meal, I was sure the food-coma would set in. But 2:00 came by and I was as energized as ever. 3:00 - same thing. 4:00 - still going strong. It never hit me. I was shocked. And so it is with great pleasure that I announce my 3 step plan to beating the afternoon energy-suck.
Step 1: Sleep 7.5 hours.
Step 2: Grill and eat a steak.
Step 3: Sleep another 3 hours.

And you are good to go.

Happy Shark Week everyone!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Framing China and The Sound of Awesome

Ok, ok, I realize it has been a solid MONTH since my last post. I do apologize for the absence. Things have been a little crazy with multiple jobs, whirlwind beach trips, and baby peacocks falling from the sky. True story. Anyway, I will ATTEMPT to get back into a more regular pattern of posting. I say attempt might not happen. Anyway...

I wear contacts, which means that I occasionally wear glasses. I took a closer look at my glasses recently and discovered something strange. On the inside of one of the arms (is that a term? probably not), it says "FRAME CHINA" This took me by surprise, and also sent my mind hurtling through the possible explanations. In the end, I narrowed it down to two.

The first is that this is a condensed version of "These frames were made in China." Simple and likely.

The second is that this is a secret message sent to me by the CIA. I'm very much open to this possibility. The problem is that in the world of sabotage I am a rookie. A sabotn00b, if you will. I'm gonna need a couple more signs, secret messenger. Any kind of help as to what mischief I will be getting involved in, and what sort of tricks I have to pull to make it seem like a Chinese job would be greatly appreciated. I will be on the lookout for further instructions.

In other news, I've decided to try a little experiment to kick-start my day. I'm not exactly what you would call a "morning person" Each evening ends with a determination to get up early, and each morning brings furious calculations and debate inside my head about whether or not I can afford to hit the snooze button one more time. It's my secret hope that my arguing skills to myself in the morning will one day transfer to the courtroom.

Anyway, my plan is to set my alarm-tone as an inspirational, uplifting, and all-around awesome sound byte from a movie, tv show, song, or other source. I've decided to go week-by-week to keep some variety. This week's alarm-tone has been James Van Der Beek's epic telling-off of his father in Varsity Blues. And I must say it has worked like a charm. I don't know exactly who's life I don't want, but when my feet hit the floor, I KNOW I am living this day the way I want to. If you live under a rock and don't know the line I'm talking about, check out this AMAZING youtube video.

Now I know what you're thinking: I set the bar too high. Why would I pick the greatest line in cinematic history for week ONE? I'd be lying if I said this worried me a little too. But I had to start it off with a bang, and I am confident I can find other good one's too.

On tap for next week is the Mighty Ducks, when Emilio leads the team into the "Quack...Quack...Quack" cheer, or the slow-quack, if you will. Further suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Leave a comment, shoot me an email, or just tell me. Whatever works!

Again, sorry for the layoff. Next post will be in less than a month. I promise. Also, a big shout out to anyone who finished the VA bar exam today! Congrats!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Headlines with Videos

Readers know I am a big fan of headlines. When the story has or is a video segment, the headline is followed by a little video camera symbol. Essentially, there are two different types of video-headlines.

The first type is the "I don't think I really need to see that..." headline. This exhibited itself this morning, with "Mom has triplets at 66 - too old?" It's pretty simple - I really just don't need to see that. There really is nothing that you could put in a video that would enrich my understanding of the story more than words and a picture. Which brings me to the second type...

The second type is the "There's a video!?!? Yesssss!" This was finely exhibited with two excellent headlines this morning:
"Grasshoppers overtake cattle ranch"
"Robot lifeguard hits the beach"

THESE are the kinds of stories that need videos. First of all, because they are awesome. But secondly, there are just so many questions. How many grasshoppers are we talking here? Are they normal size grasshoppers? Any chance they could be trained to do farm work? On a scale of 1-10, how much do they resemble the grasshoppers from Antz? And this robot lifeguard: Is he human shaped, or are we talking more like a Roomba? Did someone really design a robot that can not only be in water without short circuiting but can swim and drown people? Is this taking place in New Jersey?

When there are so many questions, a video is necessary. So CNN: while you might be pushing it with the number of video segments, there are certainly headlines where I am glad they are there. So I really can't complain too much. Keep it up.

Friday, June 18, 2010

New Design

I've been getting a few complaints about the difficulty of reading the white-text-on-black-background, so I've decided to change up the look a little bit.

Of course, if you read on buzz, this will make no difference. Changes apply only to

I doubt the new look is final, I'll be messing with it for a while until I get something I like, BUT for those of you who have complained, know that your voice is being heard.

The King of $5 Subs

If you'll indulge me, I'm going to stick to my recent Specifically sandwiches.

At some point in time, $5 became a benchmark for sandwiches. While I'm sure there were others before, the real power-player behind the movement was unquestionably Subway. Their $5 footlong campaign has been a gold medal for marketing and deliciousness. Soon after, the competition started falling in line. Quiznos dropped some of their more basic large subs to $5. Domino's rolled out their line of oven-baked sandwiches starting at $4.99. Some have tried to go lower, such as Sheetz with their $4 footlongs.

Each sandwich has its merits. And where you choose to do your business may be influenced by your love of bread, sauce, or some other ingredient. But that's not what I'm going to talk about today. If you are straight up hungry, and you want a $5 deli sub that will fill you up, and then some, then do I have the sandwich for you. And it's probably not where you would expect...Safeway.

I strolled into Safeway today and discovered this mammoth of a deal. On "Family Fridays," Safeway offers their massive All-American Sub Sandwich for $5. I took the term "family" to mean that it wasn't really intended for one person, but I was hungry, so I went for it. The nice lady behind the deli counter whipped one up fresh for me as I marveled in the sheer size of this thing. I couldn't wait to get it home and run some measurements before devouring it.

The sub is roughly the size of a small child. Unofficially, I measured her to be 15 inches long, and a ludicrous 5.75 inches wide at the mid-point. She weighed in at a whopping 2.6 pounds. This was estimated by me stepping on the bathroom scale, stepping off, and then stepping on again holding the sandwich.

Those who know me best know I can eat with the best of them. But even this thing was too much for my lunch, as what remains is now wrapped up in the fridge and will be revisited at dinner.

In terms of taste and quality, I really was quite pleased. Everything is made right back behind the deli counter, so it was all very fresh. For me, the bread makes or breaks the sub, and this bread was quite delicious. Looking at Safeway's website, it appears this might unfortunately be a 1-day thing. Well I hope they bring it back soon...

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Strasburger

Tonight's shout out goes to BGR: The Burger Joint, for their newest menu item, the Strasburger. The DC burger restaurant has created the Strasburger to honor Washington Nationals pitcher Steven Strasburg, who, in case you missed it, struck out FOURTEEN batters in 7 innings in his major league debut last night.

BGR gets the shout out for two reasons. The first is the name. I am a big supporter that anything ending in "Burg" should have a "Burger." A Pittsburgh restaurant had the Roethlisburger a while back, the Strasburger is an excellent and quite necessary name.

But the real reason for the shout out is for the burger itself. This is not just some regular burger "honoring" Steven by stealing his name. The burger incorporates his accession through the minors to the majors with different ingredients. Before he was a Washington National, Strasburg pitched for AAA Syracuse. So the burger is topped with "Syracuse Orange," an aged Vermont Cheddar. Before that, he was in AA for Phoenix Desert Dogs. So the burger is topped with...that's right...a hot dog.

My hat is off to you, BGR, for putting a hot dog ON a cheeseburger. Personally, I cannot wait to try one for myself. And as if they weren't already awesome enough, BGR is donating $1 to Children's National Medical Center for every Strasburger sold. Excellent work. Assuming I get up to DC soon, a full review of the Strasburger will be forthcoming.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Subway Gets It Right

My friend David recently sent me some news that will surely bring joy to all sandwich lovers like myself. It appears the big cheeses at Subway have finally figured things out when it comes to, well, cheese.

For years Subway sandwich artists have been trained to ineffectively place their cheese triangles pointed in the same direction. This results in overlapping on one side of the sandwich, while the other side is left with empty, cheese-less spaces. This is especially frustrating because the cheese triangles would almost PERFECTLY cover the entire sandwich evenly if alternated to fit together. The following web comic from illustrates what I'm talking about:

You'll notice this is from 2007! People have been up in arms about this for some time.

Well it appears the message finally got through. Subway has issued a statement to all franchises advising them to change their cheese placing procedures:

And it is about time. The new pattern efficiently maximizes even cheese coverage to help ensure a delicious bite every time. I don't know how it took them so long, or why they are waiting til JULY 1ST to make it effective, but for actually doing it, I must give them kudos. Because maybe the only thing better than a $5 footlong is a $5 footlong with evenly spaced cheese.

Thanks again to David for the story.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

The Flying Squirrels and Best Come-Out Songs

I'm proud to say I attended my first Flying Squirrels game this weekend. For those who may not know, the Flying Squirrels are Richmond's minor league baseball team. While there are certainly mixed feelings about having a team named the Flying Squirrels, few can deny that with $6 tickets, its a great way to spend an afternoon with a group of friends.

When you get to a certain level in baseball, you get to choose what is known as a come-out song. When you come up to bat, the announcer will say "Now batting, the center fielder, #24, Horace Giggins!" and a sound clip will play as you walk to the plate and get ready to hit. It's a song clip, and while the length can very, last night's were roughly 10 seconds long. It got me thinking about what would be my come-out song if I was a baseball player.

And so I present, in no particular order, my top-10 come out songs:
1. The National Anthem. Everyone would stand and remove their hats every time you came to the plate.
2. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.
3. Superfreak, by Rick James. No lyrics, just the instrumental that sounds virtually identical to Can't Touch This, thus leaving the whole stadium wondering which song it actually was.
4. Anything by N'SYNC. I believe one of the visiting players last night had "It's Gonna Be Me." Props to you, sir.
5. Say My Name by Destiny's Child. How could I leave my all-time favorite song off a list like this?
6. 10 seconds of crickets chirping.
7. Afternoon Delight, as sung by the cast of Anchorman.
8. Baby, by Justin Bieber.
9. Soulja Boy Tell'Em - Birdwalk. I dare you not to dance up to the plate while this song is playing.
10. Party in the USA. Miley Cyrus. It had to be done.

I highly recommend a trip to the Diamond to see the Flying Squirrels to anyone in Richmond. It's a great time.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Surprise Nutrients

I never understood why they put nutrition facts on bottles of water. They just tell you that the water you are drinking is just that...water. 0 calories, 0 fat, 0 sodium, 0 carbs, and 0 protein. I always figured it was just some legal requirement.

You can imagine by surprise when I glanced at the nutrition facts of my bottle of "Pure American" water today and saw a number other than 0 below the solid black line. That's right. My bottle of water provides me with 4% of my daily value of calcium.

At first I was just straight-up surprised. I was just not expecting anything in my water. But I must say I'm totally on board. I think more food and drinks should have surprise nutrients.
You thought you were just getting a bagel? Boom! 10% Riboflavin!
This brownie is great, are these walnuts? Yup...and an extra 6% Magnesium!
This coffee tastes like iron. Maybe the beans were burnt...or maybe its the extra 300% Iron!

Win win win. Caroline was quick to point out that you could just buy your vitamins. Sensible? Perhaps. As much fun as surprise nutrients? Not a chance. When I open my restaurant, "Stick It To Me," not only will every dish be served on a stick, but dishes will have surprise nutrients. If variety is the spice of life, then surprise nutrients are the spice of health.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Glee Update

I know it's been a while. My apologies. I'd like to say I got back all by myself, but the push from Carolyn definitely helped.

May means the end of many TV shows for the summer, and while most have finished up, there is one excellent show that still has a couple weeks to go. I speak, of course, of Glee. Glee has gotten off to a solid start this season. After an excellent first two episodes, I was less than thrilled for a couple weeks, but NPH and GaGa week brought it back up to standard. You may know that NPH and Lady Gaga are two of my favorite people of all time, so that should come as no surprise. But the show is back on track with quality songs, and some more entertaining plot lines than "Rachel likes 3 boys."

Of course one development has also been super awesome, and I was suggested to talk about it by my newest reader, the most excellent Quimbilicious. The show finally utilizing the Jane Lynch as a singer. We got NONE of that in season 1. I guess the producers finally realized that Sue is well loved by Gleeks everywhere. Not only has she been featured more prominently in Season 2 as a whole, but they have let her sing. Vogue and Physical were awesome, and I really do hope there is more to come. Jane has sung in her other works.

I must give a tip of my hat to the writers for FINALLY utilizing some of their talent. I'll never understand what you were thinking putting the best dancer on the cast in a wheelchair, but you are making some strides. Bad Romance showed you can actually have a song sung by the girls and not by Rachel and some others here and there. I think it might have been the first song that Rachel was a part of, but you didn't really hear her on many solo lines. Kurt, Tina, and Santana got some well deserved time.

Casting Idina as Rachel's mother was excellent as well. So keep it up, Glee. I want more Sue and more Sue singing. I will not take no for an answer. And by that, I mean yeah, there's not a lot I can do but I will be really happy if there's more Sue!

More to come later. Hopefully it will not be as long as the last gap.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

CNN Headlines - The Struggle

When I'm browsing around the Internet, I often go to, not only to find out what's going on in the world, but to scan for ridiculous headlines. Last year, it was an absolute gold mine. I could put together a whole post with 10 ridiculous CNN headlines on any given day.

Maybe there's been a change in focus against personal interest stories. Maybe there is just too much actual news these days. Either way, it's been a struggle as of late for me. CNN just hasn't delivered the ridiculousness that I'm used to. But after receiving my very own CNN headline ("William & Mary grads hit big on YouTube parody"), I really can't stay mad at them.

Earlier this month however, I got lucky. Within two days of each other, posted what I consider to be two of the greatest headlines I have ever read:

"Bear stuck in tree, LIVE" (with a video link!)
The next day...
"Bobcat gets out, zoo opens anyway"

I can tell what you're thinking, and the answer is yes. I most certainly DID click on the video link. They had live coverage of a bear stuck in a tree. Unfortunately, I was a little too late, the bear had already been tranquilized and was on the ground being attended to.

After the bear headline, I didn't think it could get better, but the bobcat flat out blew me away. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it - greatest headline ever. Thank you, CNN. While the national relevance of your stories may be increasing your gem of ridiculousness keep me coming back.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Cutting Corners

I had what can only be described as a frustrating experience at Burger King today. After months of intense marketing for their $1 double cheeseburger, BK has done away with it - raising the price and instead offering a new sandwich, the "Buck Double" for a dollar. The Buck Double is a double cheeseburger minus one slice of cheese. If this all sounds familiar, it should. McDonalds did the same thing in February of '09.

Well apparently its ok to cut corners. Therefore, rather than present a new blog post about my current feelings for Burger King, I've copied and pasted my February 2009 post about McDonalds, and replaced the words "McDonald's" and "McDouble" with "Burger King" and "Buck Double," respectively. 2 other changed were made only once: "Ronald" was replaced with "The King," and you may notice Burger King is replaced by Wendy's. Congratulations, BK. The "edited repost" is as follows:

I discovered something disturbing this afternoon. I walked into Burger King looking forward to a double cheeseburger off the dollar menu. I was shocked to find it not on the dollar menu, but there was something called a "Buck Double." Figuring they might have just changed the name, I quickly scanned the rest of the menu for "double cheeseburger." There is was, under sandwiches...for $1.29!!!!! I was shockergasted (a combination of shocked and flabbergasted). So I asked the cashier what exactly a Buck Double was. She informed me it had two patties and one slice of cheese. Yes it appears the "Buck Double" is a double cheeseburger...minus one slice of cheese.

And so I reach another installment of "Whatever, I Do What I Want." This one goes out to you, Burger King. I hope that you can sleep at night knowing you are depriving millions of Americans their second slice of cheese. In a world of cutting corners, I never expected it to come to this. Well you know what, Burger King? Your plan BACKFIRED! By taking off that second piece of cheese, and altering the crucial cheese ratio, you allow the taste of your "beef" to shine through, unmasked by American goodness. And you know what, Burger King? Your "beef" just doesn't cut it for me. Asking customers to pay an extra 19 cents for a second slice of cheese on a double cheeseburger is vicious with a side of piracy. I really thought The King would never approve something like this.

Buck Double makes this sandwich sound much cooler than it actually is. Chamburger is more accurate. Cheeseburger + hamburger = chamburger. Well I hope you enjoy this marketing plan, Burger King, because the next time I find myself with a craving for a warmish, beef-like product, you can find me at Wendy's. This has been "Whatever, I Do What I Want: Burger King Edition."

Monday, May 10, 2010

A Quick Congrats

Not a lot of time for a long post, but a BIG congrats to my main man Leggo My Grego. The man of many engles got engaged this weekend, so congratulations, and I wish you all the best.

Should have time for a full post soon. Stay classy!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

WIDWIW: Netflix

Tonight's "Whatever, I Do What I Want" Award goes to Netflix. Now ordinarily I have nothing but good things to say about this corporation. They truly revolutionized the home move watching industry, and their recent addition of streaming movies available instantly is nothing short of incredible.

This morning I received an email from Netflix. It said that I could forward this email to my family and friends, and they would get a free one month trial of Netflix. I'll admit it, I was flattered. After all, when I decided I would give Netflix a shot, I went to their website and signed up for a free TWO WEEK trial. But that was just for anyone. Now, they appreciate my customer-ship so much that they are more than doubling that trial time for my friends and family only? Wow, Netflix. You really outdid yourself.

Except they didn't. I was shortly informed that the free trial offered on their main website is now ALSO one month. So what does that mean? It means that if you want to get a 1-month free trial of Netflix, you can either (a) receive a special email from me, which Netflix has advised to forward to my family and friends; or (b) go to

Thank you for making me feel special, Netflix, only to smash my feelings to pieces. I thought your offer was special. I had no idea you were giving it away to anyone who came a-browsing. I suppose I can forgive you, as long as you keep streaming movies and sending me new ones in the mail too. Either way, you've still done enough to earn yourself a WIDWIW Award.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Kidney Stone? Aint No Thang.

The term "shout-out" does not give enough credit to the guy I write about today. It's with that in mind that I issue my first ever "Shout-out of all shout-outs" to Colorado Rockies catcher Miguel Olivo.

Olivo headed into the dugout after the top of the 8th inning on Monday's game. There were a few batters before he was up, but Olivo isn't one to just sit around and be unproductive. Olivo headed into the bathroom and passed a kidney stone. During a game. In the middle of an inning. When he emerged from the bathroom, the Rockies got their third out. So he threw on his pads, and went back out there for the 9th inning. In the bottom of the ninth, he went up to bat and hit a single.

I can think of no better recipient of this highest of high fives than Mr. Olivo. Passing a kidney stone is regarded as one of the most painful experiences known to man, but Olivo showed it who is boss. A lot of pro athletes play through pain, and man do I respect them for it. There are a lot of stories out there, and for me this ranks up there. So congratulations sir. Pulling off something like that requires more than just a kidney stone, and for that, I bestow upon you my Shout-out of all shout-outs.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Cereal: The Search for an Angle

Every now and then I will have a thought for an interesting blog post. If I don't have the time to write it right then (I usually don't) I send an email to myself. The subject will be something like "Blog post idea" and then I'll jot down a few words or a couple sentences about the idea. I've had some solid ideas, and plenty of duds as well.

I was going through emails a week or two ago and came across one such email. The subject was "Blog idea" and the email read - "breakfast cereals...something about breakfast cereals. specific angle too be determined"

If you're thinking that is ridiculous, I am right there with you. I have no idea what I was thinking with this one. To be honest, I don't even remember where I was or what I was doing when I thought of it. Anyway, after laughing about it a healthy amount, I decided to try to see if I could make something come of this "idea." I was determined to find the right angle about cereal.

After a week, I had nothing. It's not like I've never touched the subject before. I did an in-depth piece on Captain Crunch, and mentioned the Trix rabbit in my recent post about ninjas. My feelings about Smart Start are no secret. But I was looking for something fresh and all-encompassing. I explained my predicament to and enlisted help from my good friend Liesl.

There was a moment today when I thought I had struck gold: Cereal mascots most likely to be serial killers. Unfortunately, when I sent it through the google machine, my fear was realized: it had already been done.

Liesl sent me her angle: What isn't good with cereal? Sort of a twist on everything is better with chocolate.
Incidentally, do you know what does not go well with chocolate? Cereal. I once poured myself a bowl of Cocoa Krispies, and added a regular serving of chocolate milk. If you've never had Cocoa Krispies, you pour in milk, and by the end, the leftover milk is chocolate milk, having absorbed chocolate off the cereal. I was just trying to be more efficient. What resulted was the most overpoweringly chocolate "thing" I have ever experienced. I still get sugar shudders just thinking about it.

Anyway, the perfect angle is still out there, and I will search on. If you have any ideas, feel free to drop a comment or shoot me an email.

Busy with finals, so don't know how much posting will happen, but best of luck to all my friends who are taking finals! And to soon-be W&M graduates! And really just best of luck to anyone in whatever endeavors you are undertaking!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Superpower or Band Name?...And an Idol Update

I had a delightful lunch today with Leggo my Greggo, Hypersensitive Steele, and Jigga Janine. We came up with a pretty sweet new game. It was inspired by this week's How I Met Your Mother, where Marshall leads the group in a game called "Drunk or Kid," where he tells them a story, and they have to guess whether he was drunk or a kid.

Our version is called "Superpower or Band Name." When someone says something, you have to decide whether it would be a better Superpower or a better name for a band. Now it doesn't work with just anything, it has to be something that could conceivably be either. But it comes up more often than you would imagine.

Our first example was "questionable analogies." There wasn't a lot of argument here. While it would me a pretty lame superpower, questionable analogies is actually a pretty awesome band name. I'm going to go ahead and reserve it now for when the aforementioned lunch bunch start our band.

The lunch went on, and a few other good ones came up. The most came at the very end. It was pretty clear that "Sexual Innuendo" was a lame band name, and a better-than-lame superpower. However, changing the words can be crucial, as shown by our next example. "Double Entendre" came out as a better band name.

Anyway, it's pretty fun. Give it a shot at your next social gathering.

Note: The rest of this post is about American Idol. If you are an Idol hater, you can stop reading now.

For any Idol fans, tonight finally saw the end of the Tim Urban Roller Coaster Experience. Tim made it to Hollywood, but was not originally chosen to be in the Top 24. However, after someone who had made the cut couldn't compete, Tim was called up and invited back. After a string of horrible performances, he managed to get enough votes to keep himself in the competition, eventually making the top 12.

Then, out of nowhere, about 3 weeks ago, he actually started being decent. During Elvis week, his rendition of Can't Help Falling in Love was excellent, and he was out of the bottom 3 for the second week in a row. Then, just as it looked like he might be close to a legit contender, he came out with another lackluster performance this week, which ended up being his last. Fare thee well, Mr. Urban. I think it truly was finally your time.

For me, this show has been a two-horse race for a while now between Lee and Crystal. Crystal is the deserved front runner, and the competition appears to be hers to lose. But don't count Lee out. Crystal's position is very similar to Season 7, where it appeared David Archuleta could kick a kitten on stage and still avoid the bottom 3. But David Cook came on strong, and out-dueled him in what was in my opinion the best Idol finale to date. Also, sometimes actual talent has absolutely nothing to do with picking a winner (See generally Season 5 and Taylor Hicks). Anyway, Lee is a great singer, with a unique voice, he is consistently good week to week, and finally seems to be showing some personality. In other words, he's Kris Allen without the bad weeks (All she wants to do is dance? What were you thinking?) And Allen ended up winning season 8.

Don't get me wrong, I've been on the Crystal bandwagon since Hollywood, but all I'm saying is it's not quite as over as some people may choose to believe. Either way, more great performances are still to come for sure.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Next iPhone

Gizmodo sent a few ripples through news headlines when they posted pictures and a pretty extensive review of what they claim to be the next generation of the iPhone. Apparently, the new model fell into their hands a couple weeks after it was "found lost in a bar in Redwood City." They made a video, took some pictures, and posted a detailed blog post about all the new features. If you're into the specs, you can check it out.

To me, the most interesting part of this story is how it ended up in the hands of Gizmodo. Apparently, the phone belonged to Gray Powell, a 27-year old software engineer. Powell was out at a bar, and left it on the bar when he left. Someone handed it to the guy who was sitting next to Powell. The guy waited, but Powell never came back. Eventually, the guy took the phone home with him, and in the light of the morning, discovered that it was not, in fact the iPhone model that everyone else had.

His next step was to call Apple. And here's the best part - Apple didn't believe him. Apparently, he was put on hold and transferred from person to person as no one really found his situation credible enough to take seriously.

Well eventually Gizmodo got a hold of it, and soon it was out there for the world to see. I think it's probably safe to say Apple will update their customer service protocol to handle such a situation should it happen again in the future.

Anyway, if you're interest, check out more of the story

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Face of the LHC Saboteur

A lot of people scoff at the LHC Saboteur theory. While I don't agree, I suppose I can understand their position. It could be hard to get on board with an idea like that without something tangible. If only there was...say...a picture of the time-traveler. Maybe that would help?

Well then feast your eyes on this, non believers:

This photograph, which belongs to a Canadian museum, shows a pretty typical 1940's scene. Typical...except for Mr. Sunglasses, hoodie, and hipster T-shirt. What is he doing there? And by there, I mean that TIME.

The answer is simple. My working theory, suggested to me by Noodles "Haz-Mat" Teplansky, is that this guy is, in fact, the LHC Saboteur. His presence in this photograph can be explained by any of the following:
1) He intended to go back to the 1970's and overshot, ending up in 1940.
2) This is the first of a series of subtle clues he is leaving for us so that we will believe in his existence and power.
3) Something in 1940 needed to be changed. He has a partner, and needed to create a distraction while his partner accomplished the task.
The more you think about it, the more you realize that the possibilities are endless!

No matter what the reason, I think anyone discounting time travel on principle might at least want to consider opening their eyes to the possibility. Or you could be like my sister Gen, whose response was "you're an idiot."

I feel the love.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Tough Times for Ninjas

The economic recession has spread far and wide. It's tough to find work, and people are struggling to pay the bills and get by. Some professions have been hit harder than others, but there is no doubt as to the group that has suffered the most: Ninjas.

It's been a while since my first post about Ninjas - a little more than 10 months. Since then they have been, true to form, laying low. Or so it has seemed.

But it's come to my attention that due to economic hardships, the demand for traditional mercenary functions of ninjas has been low. As a result, many ninjas have had to take side jobs to put some food on the table. These side jobs are mostly jobs that must be taken care of without being noticed or drawing attention in any way. Here's what they've been up to:

1. Fire Extinguisher Inspection. Next time you see a fire extinguisher, take a look at that little paper tag on the front that notes how often it is inspected. The frequency is ridiculous! Some get checked every week. Now, try to think of the last time you saw someone performing one of those inspections. Drawing a blank? I thought so.

2. Protecting Trix. The Trix rabbit is always after some Trix, but kids try to stop him, based on the discriminatory notion "Trix are for kids." On paper, this match-up is ludicrous. A talking rabbit getting continuously outsmarted by a bunch of litte kids? There is no way. Everyone knows rabbits are sneaky, and kids think they are adorable. There must be another party at work here. Ninjas are on the side of the kids, working to make sure that the Trix are, in fact, just for kids.

3. Creating Trending Topics. If you're on Twitter, you know ridiculous hashtags show up in the Top-10 Trending Topics, usually either right above or right below "Justin Bieber." Who creates these? How do they get so popular? What is Twitter's algorithm for determining trending topics? The whole system is shrouded in secrecy. Aka it has the work of ninjas written all over it.

What's most impressive is that even with all of this extra work, ninjas have still been dominating their ongoing feud versus pirates. Recent news results for pirates feature two prominent stories. First, ten pirates attacked a German cargo ship and were arrested by the Dutch navy. Caught by the Dutch Navy? That's kind of embarrassing, pirates. Another pirate boat took on an American warship and was quickly sunk. Poor choice. Both these stories seem very out-of-place, even for pirates. I mean, they couldn't have actually thought they could take on an American warship and come out victorious, right? They must have been deceived. They got NINJAD (its like the ninja version of getting lawyered). Arrested by the Dutch? Ninjad. Even the Pittsburgh Pirates gave up 13 runs in ONE INNING last week. Sounds like a temporary loss in the rules and objective of baseball. NINJAD.

So keep at it, ninjas. Soon times will turn around and you can get back to your more traditional roles. Also, if any Twinjas (Twitter Ninjas) are reading this, I certainly would not object if #blawegsome showed up in the Top Trending Topics.

Monday, April 12, 2010

The KFC Double Down

I thought of a couple different ways to start this post. One was to list some of the historical events of April 12th, and then add today's landmark to the list. However, my research quickly revealed that April 12th was the day the Civil War begin. To say that talking about historical relations between the North and the South is a slippery slope here in Richmond these days is quite the understatement. So I decided to pass on that route and just shoot straight: KFC released the Double Down Sandwich today. Nationwide.

My love affair with the Double Down began on March 15th. I posted on the blog about the Dunkin Donuts Waffle Breakfast Sandwich. Being the scholar and the gentleman that he is, my friend Richard posted a link on my buzz to a sandwich called the "Double Down," a KFC creation that was a bacon and cheese sandwich with two boneless fried chicken fillets as "bread." It looked and sounded too good to be true. But my dreams were soon realized, when it was announced that the Double Down would be released nationwide on Monday, April 12th.

Flash forward to last week. I called several KFCs in the area asking when they opened. All responders confirmed a 10:30AM opening time. This was heartbreaking - I knew that day I had a 10:00 class, an 11:00 class, a 12:00 luncheon, and work from 1:00 til 5:00. My dreams of camping out, doorbusting, and unofficially becoming the first man in Richmond to eat a Double Down were dashed. But I picked up the pieces, and decided on a 5:30 Double Down Dinner.

I'll admit it - I had a hard time falling asleep last night. Visions of sugarplums sandwiched between fried chicken danced in my head. I eventually dozed off at around 5:15, and after a solid four hours of sleep, awakened knowing the glory was only hours away. The day dragged on. 11:00. 12:00. 1:00. 2:00. (Mad props if you get that reference). Finally, the clock hit 5:00. I packed up, got a high-five from Megan on the way out the door, headed back, hopped in the car, and off I went. I got the sandwich, and brought it back to my room.

Even after the 10-minute trip home, the sandwich was still super hot, which was awesome. Peeling back the aluminum-foil-wrap, I took my first bite. What followed was approximately 4-6 minutes of sheer bliss.

The flavor of the chicken is powerful, but in a good way. I mean, it is by far the dominant ingredient quantity wise. It would be a little strange if you couldn't taste it. The great thing about the Double Down is that you never know how much bacon and cheese you're going to get in a given bite. The taste ratio is constantly changing, but stays inside a pleasant range. If you get a lot of bacon and cheese, the flavors mix well together for a satisfying blend. And on the bites with minimal bacon and cheese, you still have delicious and tender fried chicken.

While my particular Double Down was not particularly greasy, I received a report from my friend Mr. Connell that the Double Down he purchased was rather greasy. So something to watch out for. But let's face it - its a fried chicken, bacon, and melted cheese sandwich. You shouldn't need me to tell you there's a chance of some grease. C'mon people.

About 3 bites in I grabbed a Coke, and it was a good thing I did, because this thing will put you in a FOOD COMA. The caffeine is battling my strong desire to take a nap. It seems to be working.

All in all, I really enjoyed the Double Down. This thing is a legit piece of food that should not be taken lightly - it will fill you up. And those wary of grease should tread softly. But if you've got a craving for some meat, this might just be the "sandwich" for you. I will no doubt be going back for round 2.

A couple of notes to finish up
1) There seems to be a rumor going around that the sandwich has egg on it as well. This is completely unfounded.

2) To all my readers out there with their minds in the gutter: yes, I am well aware of the several sexual references made in this post. After a while I kind of just started doing it on purpose.

3) Voges - you are officially relieved of your duty. I thank you for your dedication

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Profiles in Awesome: Noodles

Tonight I present part 3 of my 497-part series, "Profiles in Awesome." Today's story recognizes someone who perhaps is too the point that it sheds questions on her classification as a human being. I speak, of course, of Noodles.

Spend some time around TC-Dub School of Law and you will no doubt run into Noodles before long. She can be easily identified by her glorious black curls, her ridiculously thick binders littered/organized with purple sticky-notes, or by her most identifiable characteristic - her obsession with Google Reader. As a result, she is quick to find some of the funniest stories/videos the Internet has to offer. The classic Noodles "nervous-smile" comes when she is enjoying the little things in life while constantly holding down the feeling that everything is going wrong and she is doomed.

Unlike other pastas, this Noodles is sometimes highly motivated. She is driven by completing tasks on To-Do lists, and often writes down items that she has already completed, so that she can check them off immediately. Well she could write down "Be Awesome" to start every list and always have at least one down.

Basically, Noodles is one of the most awesome characters around. However, I am currently gathering evidence to support my theory that she is, in fact, a robot.

If I had to pick one person who I was most sure was NOT a robot, I would pick Noodles. This is exactly the kind of situation that a robot would make happen. Despite multiple statements that her brief was inferior, Noodles was awarded the "Best Brief" award during last Fall's Moot Court competition. Her bluebooking was superb and machine-like. When confronted with this fact, she was quick to point out that next to a mistake in her brief, an editor simply wrote the word "FAIL." Hmm...a simple command that a robot would understand...interesting.

Noodles keeps a pink sombrero in the back of her car, but never wears it. This is obviously a souvenir of a poor defenseless old woman she did in after she got the information her programmer requested. I see no other possible explanation.

It's true that Noodles exhibits many emotions normally only associated with humans. In fact, I have it on good authority that she has covered the entire range of all human emotions in no less than 17 minutes. There really is only one possible explanation - Noodles is an even more advanced model than I thought. Any robot looking to effectively blend in as a human would no doubt be able to show emotions in order to throw off suspicions.

I'm still gathering the evidence. Noodles will be quick to deny any robot identity for fear of being shot in the face with a shotgun (the appropriate treatment for any undercover robot). But be warned...things might not be as they appear.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Pro Athlete Salaries and Orlando Financial

It's no secret: I am a big fan of Head to their website and you'll see the big story of the hour, plus 10 or so headlines on the side. You can catch up on a lot of important news in not a lot of time. But scroll on down and you'll find a whole lot more. Sometimes they'll have some app or game to play. Some are enjoyable, but I really have to question the one I found this morning.

It's called "Salary Crunch." It takes a specific professional athlete and looks at his salary and statistics. It has you enter your annual salary, and then it uses the stats to compare.

Example: I selected Josh Beckett, a pitcher for the Red Sox, who signed a 4-year $68 million deal the other day. Since I actually make about negative $40,000 a year, I decided to make up a salary to enter. I plugged in $50,000. The following came up:

"Josh Beckett makes $50,000 after the following:
.09 games
.05 wins
.59 strikeouts
.62 innings pitched
You will need to work 340 years to make Josh Beckett's annual salary."

Thanks ESPN. I can't tell you how many times I wish I had this precise information. If you're ever in need of a morale boost in the morning, then bookmark this site for sure!

The salaries of professional athletes can be an interesting point of discussion. A lot of people think they are ridiculously overpaid, others think that if they have that much talent and put fans in the seats, they earn it. Personally, I don't have a problem with stars making millions. What I DO have a problem with is stars blowing millions, and then millions more that they DON'T HAVE. We've seen the headlines. Michael Vick. Mike Tyson. How these guys end up more than $25 MILLION in debt is beyond me.

A word to the wise: If you are a professional athlete, make millions of dollars, and don't want to blow it, I've got two words for you - Orlando Financial. Orlando Financial offers money management services exclusively to professional athletes who have the urge to make ridiculous purchases, supply capital for ludicrous business propositions, or really just make stupid financial decisions.

Orlando Financial customizes a personal savings plan for your individual needs, but the basic tenants of each plan are as follows:
-$300,000 will be kept in a mattress in your office at all times. Don't have a mattress in your office? Buy a mattress. Then put it in your office. Don't have an office? Buy some office space.
-40% of all signing bonuses go straight to the bank. No exceptions.
-Investments? Liquidate them. We don't mess with the stock market. "But doesn't that mean I won't make millions more?" Yes, that is true. But you won't lose millions, and you already have millions. Stop complaining.

If you don't want to end up filing for Bankruptcy, call Orlando Financial at 1-800-WHERE-IS-ORLANDO for a free consultation today. 25 minutes could keep you from $25 million of debt.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Man Claiming To Be the LHC Saboteur Arrested

It's April Fool's Day, and I'll admit it - I had no idea what to expect when I rolled out of bed this morning. But I never expected a gem like this to fall into my lap.,39029552,49305387,00.htm

A man named Eloi Cole was arrested at the Large Hadron Collider. Mr. Cole was claiming to be the LHC Saboteur, a man from the future and traveling back in time to keep the LHC from succeeding in finding the Higgs Boson particle.

The details of this article are hysterical. Some highlights:
"Cole was attempting to disrupt [the Collider] by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment's vending machines."
"He explained that he was looking for fuel for his 'time machine power unit', a device that resembled a kitchen blender."
"Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. 'Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening.'"
"Mr Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered."

Ok, so the question of the day IS: what do we make of this guy? Let's analyze.

Option #1: Mr. Cole planned an April Fool's Prank aimed at raising awareness for the LHC Saboteur Theory.
Basically, the idea here is that Cole knew exactly what he was doing. He planned on getting caught while looking ridiculous and making ridiculous statements so that he would get in the news. April Fool's Day just adds more reason to do it.

Option #2: Mr. Cole is actually insane.
If the details of the article are accurate, this may be a fairly likely option. But if so, is anyone else disturbed by the facts that 1) he disappeared from his holding sell at the mental health facility, and 2) NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE? Is this how the Swiss treat all of their mental health patients?

Option #3: Mr. Cole IS the time-traveling LHC Saboteur.
This may seem ridiculous at first, but allow me to explain.

When I first saw the news, I discounted this option immediately on principle. No one with time traveling abilities should ever be caught in the past. Ever. Especially not someone who holds the fate of mankind in the palm of their hands.

However, if Back to the Future has taught us anything, it's that 1) time machines from the future run on garbage, 2) you do need to stop and refill, sometimes in the past, and 3) where we're going we don't need roads. Number 3 isn't really relevant, I just wanted to throw it in there. But Cole was found "rooting around in bins," and claimed he was searching for fuel for his time machine power source. What's kept in bins? Garbage.

We turn next to Cole's statement about the future, specifically that there are KitKats for everyone and it is a communist chocolate hellhole.

If there is one chocolate bar I would expect to thrive over a long period of time, it's KitKat. As the late great Mitch Hedberg pointed out, they imprint "KitKat" on the bar. This robs the customer of chocolate, and cuts cost for the producer, enabling long-term profits. Additionally, in a communist system, having a chocolate bar that is easily broken and shared among the community would be crucial. I'll refrain from making any political statements. All I'm saying is that if the future world is as Cole describes, I would not be shocked at all to see KitKat as the dominant chocolate bar.

Finally, if Cole was in fact the LHC Saboteur, wouldn't this be real trouble now that he was caught? It would have been...if the authorities had been able to hold on to him. But Cole escaped from his cell, and possibly from 2010. Suppose this was all an act. Something to cause a lot of jokes and mockery to be associated with the LHC Saboteur theory. People would not be as concerned about the possibility of a saboteur, and he could go about his business with less fear of preventative measures being taken. Perhaps this was Cole's plan all along...

Is it probable? Not really. Is it a possibility? I'm goin with yes.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

LHC Update and a Plea to CERN.

They say a friend applauds your accomplishments, but only a true friend ridicules you for your mistakes.

Ok, "they" don't really say that because I just made it up. Anyway, I must have a lot of true friends, because yesterday I was bombarded with news updates about the Large Hadron Collider. I guess people thought that when they finally got the machine fired up yesterday and the world did not end, this destroyed the LHC Saboteur theory to which I publicly subscribe and promote.

But I'm here to set the record straight.

First of all, any claim that the time-traveling LHC Saboteur was nowhere to be found yesterday is completely false. While some news reports of yesterday's events may gloss over this fact, it remains true that yesterday's testing began with not one but TWO false starts due to "electrical problems." This is exactly the kind of tricks the LHC Saboteur likes to pull.

Second, this is hardly the end. The LHC will run at this speed for a while (3.5 TeV for each photon), until the end of 2011. At this point, they will shut it down for a year, make repairs, so they can try to fire it up again to reach double yesterday's achieved speed.

What it all means is this. The LHC Saboteur is still very much in control. He made his presence known yesterday by causing the two false starts, but eventually just let things go because he knew that this half-speed smashing would be ok. And who are we to argue? He is FROM THE FUTURE. So do the events of yesterday destroy the theory? In a word, no. There is still far more to come my friends.

Of course, things may be bigger than just the LHC Saboteur. Read the reports and you'll see the plan is to run this thing for a year and a half, and then shut it down for a year before getting ready for the full speed run. Let's do the math.
A year and a half would mean a shut down in late 2011.
Which would mean a restart in late 2012.
Hmm...wasn't some other there some other global destruction planned for late 2012?


THAT'S RIGHT! The Mayan Calendar pegs December 21st, 2012 as the end of the final Great Cycle of the Earth. The date is to be followed by massive destruction. And so it is now that I launch my plea to the CERN directors:

Ladies and Gentlemen of CERN,

They say there is no such thing as bad press. Your association has been getting some press, in part due to fears about the Large Hadron Collider triggering a global meltdown. But there are still millions of people out there who are unaware of your project. The key to grabbing their attention is really quite simple.

All you have to do is schedule your LHC full speed fire up date for December 21st, 2012.

If I may speak candidly, the talk about the LHC destroying the universe has only scratched the surface. If you want to really get on the map and into the consciousness of people everywhere, the step is simple. I cannot stress enough how much this will put you on the map. The press would have an absolute field day. Think of the protests, the vigils, the building of disaster shelters and the purchases of canned goods that would ensue. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if you think people are talking about your project now, you have no idea of the full potential. That potential will be realized if you simply plan the fire up for December 21st.

As a LHC enthusiast and an admirer of your work, I encourage you to make this happen. It is no doubt in your best interest, and its effect on society will be nothing but extraordinary.

Your #1 Fan.