Sunday, December 27, 2009

Hot Tub Time Machine

One of my favorite parts of going to the movies is seeing the previews. To many people, they are something they just have to sit through, or even plan on skipping ("sure it's a 10:05 movie, but if we get there late it will be alright. We'll just miss the previews.") Personally, I love to preview my cinematic pleasures a few months down the road.

I saw a trailer yesterday for what is without a doubt a must-see movie for me. It's called "Hot Tub Time Machine." I'm gonna say that again, just for effect. It's called "Hot Tub Time Machine." Apparently, it involves 4 guys who, while bored on a guys night, decide to party in a hot tub. Little do they know, the hot tub is actually a time machine, and takes them back to 1986, where the real adventure begins.

In short, it sounds AMAZING. But as happy and excited as i am to see this movie, it makes me a little sad as well. I believe I was born to write movies like this one. A simple ridiculous plot with simple stupid humor - that's my LIFE when it all comes down to it. One day I will write such a movie. The trailer will show - some will groan, knowing they will never in their right minds pay to see that movie. Others will laugh, knowing that they MUST see it. Most will be mildly amused and think maybe. And that's alright, because again - it's just like my LIFE.

With a hot tub time machine gone from my pool of options, my comedy screenplay will have to focus on something else. Ideas to come.

Holidays!

The Trailer for Hot Tub Time Machine - click HERE

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Snowed In

The Saga continues. Friday afternoon I completed my Evidence exam at roughly 11:30 AM. A decision was to be made: pack up and go home, or stick around to celebrate another semester's close.

Two factors strongly influenced the decision.
1: A snowstorm was approaching. It would hit sometime mid-afternoon. If I hurried, I could probably beat it home.
2: Due to my bizarre sleep schedule during finals, I had pulled an all-nighter the night before and could feel the tired coming on.

In the end, I didn't want to drive while drowsy, and definitely wanted to hang out with my friends, so the decision was made to stay. I figured it would snow, but be relatively clear for a drive up on Saturday afternoon. At 2:00 on Friday afternoon, my head hit the pillow for a nap. I had multiple alarms set for 3:45, 4:00, and 4:45.

The next thing I know, it is 8:30PM. While I was certainly refreshed by my 6.5 hour nap, I was immediately chagrined by the sight of at least 4 inches on the ground, and the snow coming down hard. I put on some clothes, sent out some texts, and made my way over to Nick, Ross, and Jills. The drive over was iffy. I had hopes of heading over to the Fan a little later to meet up with other people.

Those hopes were quickly dashed. Deliveries stopped running first. Cabs were soon to follow. Frank H. came in and told us how bad the roads were. It looked like I wasn't going to make it down there after all. I stayed at the apartment for a while, then eventually made my way home.

Friday night turned into Saturday morning, and the snow was STILL coming down. I called the parental units, who relayed their orders - I was under no circumstances to try to come home until at least tomorrow. Looks like I was snowed in. Fortunately, Deener brought KRISPY KREMES, so breakfast was had.

There was no travel on Saturday. It's now Sunday Morning. I was able to excavate and brush off my car, but I am still snowed in the dorm. Might leave soon, not sure. Here's the bad: today is my best friend Carolyn's birthday, or as we like to call it, the most unimportant day of the year. The plan was to hang out this afternoon. That is looking less likely. But hope remains! Although it is only 33 degrees, the sun is out! C'mon global warming! Where are you when I need you?

Carolyn: if you are reading this, I am SNOWpefully on my way! Hold on hope.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

The Song Completed.

On the TWELFTH day of finals, my law school gave to me,
"12 Look, it's snowing!
11 Machines vending
10 Late night food runs
9 Students carreling
8 2Ls tabbing
7 words a-limiting
6 1Ls sprinting
5...CAN I JUST HAVE A B?
4 Cups of coffee
3 Hours sleeping
2 Printer meltdowns
and an Evidence test without the F.R.E."

Finals ended today with a snowstorm. It is still coming down. unfortunately it made it difficult for everyone to meet up tonight. So to those I didn't get to see: congratulations! It's been a fun semester. A few weeks off and then we'll be back at it again.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

What's In A Name?

Shakespeare once wrote: "what's in a name?" Names are really important, especially involving products and companies. Having a flashy, cool name can draw in customers, while having a lame name can drive them away.

I don't know how some names get chosen, but sometimes I wish I could have been there. First of all, "mail." These days its a non, its a verb, and more! But advances in technology have led to the far too easy name "snail mail." So here's the idea: when you have a new product or service, and speed is a VERY big part of it, DON'T call it anything that rhymes with the following animals: sloth, slug, or snail. I mean it really is just too easy. But that was way back in the day, so I'll cut them some slack.

In these days though, there is no excuse. Which is why I was ashamed when I discovered there is a service out there called "Weather Undergrond." They compete with weather.com and other weather forecasting websites.

Weather Undergound? Really? I couldn't care less about what the weather is like underground. I am trying to figure out what the weather is going to be like ABOVEground. I didn't think underground weather changed too much on a day-to-day basis. In any case, it doesn't concern me. This seems clear, so I guess they might have been going for another meaning of underground? Like secret? Well chalk another one up on the fail board. When you have a website transmitting all your information to anyone who wants to see it, you are no longer underground. When you show up on a Google search for "weather," you are no longer underground. Although, I guess there is one thing "underground" about your site - not a lot of people know about it. Wanna keep it that way? I'm gonna suggest keeping the name.

So get it together, WU. Your name is not fitting, and not nearly awesome enough to get people to use it. You should really have at least one.

On the ELEVENTH day of finals, my law school gave to me,
"11 Machines vending
10 Late night food runs
9 Students carreling
8 2Ls tabbing
7 words a-limiting
6 1Ls sprinting
5...CAN I JUST HAVE A B?
4 Cups of coffee
3 Hours sleeping
2 Printer meltdowns
and an Evidence test without the F.R.E."

Almost There...

On the TENTH day of finals, my law school gave to me,
"10 Late night food runs
9 Students carreling
8 2Ls tabbing
7 words a-limiting
6 1Ls sprinting
5...CAN I JUST HAVE A B?
4 Cups of coffee
3 Hours sleeping
2 Printer meltdowns
and an Evidence test without the F.R.E."

Evidence is breathing down my neck. No time for more. The end is near, though!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Basement Carrels

On the NINTH day of finals, my law school gave to me
"9 Students carreling
8 2Ls tabbing
7 words a-limiting
6 1Ls sprinting
5...CAN I JUST HAVE A B?
4 Cups of coffee
3 Hours sleeping
2 Printer meltdowns
and an Evidence test without the F.R.E."

Unfortunately, even in this, the most festive of times, we don't have a lot of time for actual caroling. Instead, we are holed up in our carrels. Thus carreling was born.

Carreling differs greatly from caroling in that there is no singing involved. It is not allowed, because the carrels are quiet areas. Carreling also sucks joy and smiles out of you, rather than allowing you to share them with others. Some say carreling is "the gift that keeps on giving." Clearly, whoever said this has no idea what they are talking about. I think "the curse that keeps on cursing" would be more accurate.

All that being said, I am thankful for my carrel. I'm down in the basement, and couldn't be happier about it. Besides the guy next to me, I don't see to many souls down here on a regular basis. What that means is that it's a quite area that actually is...well...quiet. It's got a couple things in common with a casino: there are no clocks on the wall, windows and bathrooms are hard to come by, the light is oh-so-artificial, and you don't have to go to far to find someone who looks depressed.

Sometimes I wonder if time passes while I am down here. When I have my computer up and running, I see the time. But other than that, I really have no guarantees that life hasn't ceased to exist. Hopefully things are ok up there in the real world.

Monday, December 14, 2009

MLIM

There are numerous websites becoming popular these days where "normal" people can go online and share things that happen to them. Each of these sites has a theme, and the story you are sharing dictates which site you should go to. Some of the most popular are fmylife.com, where people go on and share really embarrassing things that happened to them, and textsfromlastnight.com, where people post funny texts they receive. There are others like mylifeisaverage.com.

I was recently told of the existence of a site where people can go and tell their Harry Potter related stories - averagewizard.com. The theme here is MLIM - my life is magical. As an avid Harry Potter fan, this is pretty much the greatest thing ever. People write about performing a Patronus charm in real life or starting a Quidditch team, or making sly, underhanded comments about their teacher's affiliations with Voldermort. A sample:

"Today, I changed the name of my Internet browser to "The Chamber of Secrets". Now, whenever I open my Internet it says "Toshiba is opening the Chamber of Secrets". MLIM."

Perhaps the greatest thing about the site is it's rival hatred of the Twilight saga, or, as it is sometimes referred to on the site, "that-book-that-shall-not-be-named." I must admit I was not aware of the full extent of the Twilight/Harry Potter rivalry before. But I am full support of HP in this one.

With these sites, you have to wonder how many of the things posted actually happened. The thing is, that while the Harry Potter submissions are much stranger, I imagine a much higher percentage of them are true than say, FML. Because the fact of the matter is, some people are huge nerds. Now I'm not judging - I am a huge nerd myself. In fact, averagewizard.com not only gives me entertainment, but has inspired me. I can't say I'll go so far as to join a quidditch team, but you can bet that if I ever come across a child who is convinced there are dementors around, I will perform a patronus charm. MLIM.

Getting closer!

On the EIGHTH day of finals, my law school gave to me
"8 2Ls tabbing
7 words a-limiting
6 1Ls sprinting
5...CAN I JUST HAVE A B?
4 Cups of coffee
3 Hours sleeping
2 Printer meltdowns
and an Evidence test without the F.R.E."

Special thanks to Frank, Kyle and Michael for telling me about Average Wizard.

The Next Verse

On the SEVENTH day of finals, my law school gave to me...
"7 words a-limiting
6 1Ls sprinting
5...CAN I JUST HAVE A B?
4 Cups of coffee
3 Hours sleeping
2 Printer meltdowns
and an Evidence test without the F.R.E."

OK, I know this one doesn't make a whole lot of sense grammatically (the words are the things being limited, not doing the limiting, etc.), but I liked it anyway, so it made the cut.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Another QuickPost

One more week of finals! The home stretch has officially arrived.

On the SIXTH day of finals, my law school gave to me...
"6 1Ls sprinting
5...CAN I JUST HAVE A B?
4 Cups of coffee
3 Hours sleeping
2 Printer meltdowns
and an Evidence test without the F.R.E."

Friday, December 11, 2009

Iceberg Approaches. You're Welcome.

With all that's been going on in the world of sports, politics, and the like, it hasn't really seemed like there's been a slow news day recently. But somehow, this story worked its way through the cracks onto the top stories at cnn.com

The headline reads "Giant iceberg headed toward Australia"

The iceberg, which is twice the size of Manhattan, is drifting towards mainland Australia. However, it's still a ways off, and will not get very close at its current size due to warmer waters as it gets closer.

I just want to say, on behalf of all of us, thanks for the heads up. I mean we all know how fast glaciers can move. If I was in Australia I might start getting my affairs in order. The end is near. Stellar work spotting this one. I mean, those gigantic icebergs, they are tough to keep track of. One minute they're there, and the next minute...well they are still there. And the minute after that. Pretty much in the same spot. I'm thinking I can see how this story will develop: the iceberg will move inches closer to the mainland, while losing inches of size due to melting. Ok, that should cover us for a couple months. Get back to me...in March.

Ok here we go...
On the FIFTH day of finals, my law school gave to me
"5...CAN I JUST HAVE A B?
4 Cups of coffee
3 Hours sleeping
2 Printer meltdowns
and an Evidence test without the F.R.E."

For more on the iceberg: http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/science/12/09/australia.iceberg/index.html

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Holidays!

I've started doing something recently which amuses me to a great extent, I call it "Holidays." Here's the idea: "Happy Holidays!" has become sort of a standard greeting these days. But in reality, the holidays are not happy for everyone. For some people they are depressing or sad, and nothing is gonna change that. So to those people, you saying "Happy Holidays!" is not so much a joyful greeting. Instead, you are just rubbing in their face that your Holidays are probably going to be happy, so take that! Would you wave to someone who didn't have any hands? Why would you say "Happy Holidays" to someone who will not have a happy holiday season? Don't rub it in.

So, instead, I've started saying just "Holidays!" I'm in the checkout line of a drug store, I get my change, and on my way out, instead of "have a great day" or happy holidays," I just say "holidays!" I think it sends the right message: "Hey, it's the holiday season, and well, nothing I could say is gonna change how it's gonna work out for you, so I'll see you on the other side."

The best part of "Holidays" is seeing people's reactions. Most just smile, I'm assuming they must be thinking that I said happy but they just missed it. Some people give me strange looks, but well, that's really not out of the ordinary, so I really don't know if that's the saying or not. Anyway, if you're feeling adventurous, I'd highly recommend trying it out on an unsuspecting person this holiday season.

Annnnd...the next verse of the song.
On the FOURTH day of finals, my law school gave to me...
"4 Cups of coffee
3 Hours sleeping
2 Printer meltdowns
and an Evidence test without the F.R.E."

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Aliens...Do You Believe Me NOW???

For months now I've been warning people about the threat of aliens. The threat is imminent. But it seems like most have turned a deaf ear. We are skeptics by nature, and naturally wanted some proof. Well, if the government releasing thousands of reports from citizens wasn't enough, maybe this will be.

A truly strange sight was spotted over the skies of Norway recently by people all around the country. The below photograph is NOT photoshopped or doctored in any way.



While it appears this might be projected UP into the sky, that is not the case. The spiral appeared and expanded on its own, and then the blue-green beam of light shot out of the center TOWARD the mountain. And this was no quick flash in the pan. It lasted 10 to 12 MINUTES. Some scientists thought it might have been a Russian missle that malfunctioned and leaked fuel. However, the Russians have denied doing any missle tests in the area.

I'm gonna say it. Aliens. Appearing to one person at a time was working, but its on to phase II now. They need followers and believers. What better way to accomplish this than a mass demonstration of their existence and power. I must say I believe this is only the beginning. More signs are sure to come. This is a classic "starter sign." Priming the pump, if you will. Clear enough to draw people in, but still something that firm non-believers can try to explain. And in a relatively obscure country. I'd say be on the lookout for a clearer, more powerful sign, in a southern, heavily populated country, probably during the day.

If the Earth-invasion plan really has entered Phase II, it seems things are moving faster than anticipated. I predicted most of the human race would have been eliminated by the TrashBerg monster before the aliens came down for good. However, they may have picked up a tip, or perhaps the TrashBerg monster is more developed than I thought. Either way, it's not good. Let's just hope the second demonstration by the aliens is a ways off.

There is of course, another possibility. I didn't want to say it...but the idea that this spiral in the sky could be related to the Large Hadron Collider is not exactly out of this world (pun intended). The matter is under investigation. I'll report back soon.

Now, the next verse of the song.
On the THIRD day of finals, my law school gave to me...
"3 Hours sleeping
2 Printer meltdowns
and an Evidence test without the F.R.E."

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

QuickPost

On the SECOND day of finals, my law school gave to me...
"2 Printer meltdowns
and an Evidence test without the F.R.E."

First final tomorrow, so that's all for now. You stay classy, San Diego.

12 Days of Finals

Everyone knows and loves the 12 Days of Christmas, well, as it turns out, today (Monday) marks the beginning of a much less loved period - the 12 days of Finals. With Saturday and Sunday included, and lets face it they will be, there will be studying, outlining, coffee drinking, finals taking and the like for the next 12 days. So I thought I would retool the lyrics a little bit, and present a new "Day of Finals" on each, well, day of finals. That way, come Friday the 18th, we will not only have all of our finals DONE, but a song to sing as well

So...on the FIRST day of finals, my law school gave to me...
"An Evidence test without the F.R.E."

And speaking of finals, I did some hardcore Studggie-ing today, that is, studying in my Snuggie. I was rockin it in the Law Library today, and plan on taking it to Boatwright soon. It really was a nice way to stay warm in the library without my arms or hands being constricted. I would not, however, recommend it for long late night study sessions. That fleece will work its magic eventually, and you'll be like Richard in and 8 AM Evidence class - there, but not really there.

That's all for now. Good luck to everyone!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Floppy Disks: Required?

Today I heard one of the most ridiculous things I've heard in a while. My good friend (and Blawegsome reader) Liesl is a 1L at FSU Law. We talked recently and exam policies came up. I mentioned Richmond's flex exam system and asked about theirs. She told me that instead of printing them out, students submit their exams electronically, but also have to save them onto a floppy disk.

I'm gonna say that one more time, not only for emphasis but just in case you thought I made a mistake. Instead of printing them out, students submit their exams electronically, but also have to save them onto a FLOPPY DISK.

Floppy disk!??!?? I hardly know her! Really, though, it has to have been a solid 7 years since I used a floppy disk. With pretty much all students having laptops, that means they all had to go out and buy floppy disk drives that plug into a USB port. Apparently, the employee she talked to at best buy was convinced she didn't know what she was talking about and surely needed something more modern. Typical...yet so understandable.

Let's get with the times, FSU. No one uses floppy disks anymore. Requiring students to use them makes them go buy the drives. And if there's one thing students like, it's not having to buy things. Liesl tells me you, the school provide the actual disks for the students. How about switching to flash drives, eh? Unless you've got some shady operation going where you are getting floppies shipped in for free, I'm thinking giving students flash drives would be comparably cheap for you, definitely cheaper for the students, and would accomplish THE SAME GOAL. Maybe I'm missing something, I don't know.

Floppy disks...ridiculous...

LHC Update and My Best Day Ever

I'm beginning to see the panic, but I'm here to spread the truth: There is no reason to fear. Things may seem like they are headed for disaster, but everything will be fine. I speak not of finals, or H1N1, but really of what is for some the greatest fear of all - the Large Hadron Collider.

You may have been disturbed by the recent news that the LHC was successfully "fired up." You might think this disproves the "LHC Sabateuor" Theory that the Collider's success is being systematically sabotaged from the future. Well have no fear my friends. This initial start up is nothing more that a preparation. The real test won't come until February, plenty of time for something to go wrong. And by "something to go wrong," I of course mean "whoever is sabotaging the LHC from the future to keep it from destroying the universe to sabotage it yet again."

At the heart of all the drama is the idea that if the LHC becomes fully functional and is able to create the God particle, it will have disastrous consequences. One possible scenario has been playing out for us Thursday nights at 8/7 central on ABC. In "FlashForward," ABC's new drama, the entire planet blacks out for 2 minutes and 17 seconds. 20 million people die. Mass chaos and destruction ensues. During the blackout, everyone sees themselves 6 months in the future for a glimpse of a moment.

It was revealed last Thursday that the planet-wide blackout was caused by...you guessed it...atomic particles being smashed together. Large Hadron Collider style.

As evil plots go, the blackout and flashforward is definitely towards the top of the list. First of all, people die - a prerequisite to any evil plot. But it's evil brilliance is that it lives past its moment. It changes things forever. People see a moment they assume is in the future, and it COMPLETELY changes the way they live their lives.

Some people are scared of the future, or more specifically knowing the future. I was recently asked if I would like to know the exact time and date of my death. I think i was the only one at the table who said yes. Here's why - people like to talk about "living like there's no tomorrow." But you can't really ever do that, because you know in the back of your mind that there is, in all likelihood, a tomorrow. If I knew the exact time and date of my death, I actually COULD live like there is no tomorrow.

Some people say their last day would be filled with lots of things they've never done before. But why? You wouldn't get to enjoy the glory, tell people the stories, or just sit there and think "man, remember when I _____?" Personally, I'm really shooting to achieve any huge "first time" milestones long before my final 24 hours. Instead, my last day is gonna be doing my favorite things. Boring? Maybe. Best Day Ever? Most likely.

9:00 AM - Wake up
9:02 AM - Shower
9:15 AM - Get dressed. Attire: Boxers, Socks, Snuggie.
9:20 AM - Watch SportsCenter, eat breakfast: Eggy-in-a-bowl, lucky charms, OJ.
10:00 AM - Jump on a Trampoline. Still in my Snuggie.
10:30 AM - Find some puppies. Play with them.
11:00 AM - Watch How I Met Your Mother. Episode: "The Pineapple Incident"
11:30 AM - Play mini-golf
12:15 PM - Lunch: Tops China - Sesame Chicken.
12:45 PM - Find a craps table, play some craps.
2:00 PM - Pick-up Basketball game (note: this and shower will be the only activities of my day which my Snuggie will not be worn).
3:30 PM - Watch Scrubs. Episode: My Musical.
4:00 PM - Purchase a car and a crowbar. Take the crowbar to the car.
4:15 PM - Take a nap on Mark's Futon.
5:00 PM - Play ping pong (or as the Chinese say, "ping pong")
5:45 PM - Shoot some pool
6:00 PM - Dinner. Food to be determined.
7:00 PM - Bust out the hand-crafted table.
8:00 PM - Attend a professional bball game, leave at halftime.
10:00 PM - Karaoke! I will sing "Say My Name" by Destiny's Child.
12:00 PM - Midnight showing of an awesome movie.
2:45 PM - Blawegsome update.
3:00 PM - Bedtime.

A day full of my favorite things, all done whilst wearing my Snuggie, who could ask for anything more?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Dolphins: Terrible Animals, or Worst Animals Ever?

Though we may not realize it, we Americans are pretty susceptible to brainwash. Hollywood and the entire industry do not exist, as the name might suggest, to "entertain," but rather to spoon-feed us whatever ideas they want. But I must say, it has been nice to see one of their schemes being upstaged by science and the facts.

I speak, of course, of the idea that dolphins are cute, smart and generally awesome creatures. Well someone grab a bucket, because I'm about to drop some knowledge. Dolphins are PUNKS. The media tells us they're beautiful and amazing creatures. Ever seen Flipper? (By the way: an animal that acts almost human-like and helps people in trouble? Real original guys. Ever heard of Lassie?) Or heard a report on how dolphins are almost as intelligent as humans? Well, as it turns out, Dolphins share another quality with humans besides intelligence, one of the most basic of all human characteristics: Irrational violence.

Marine biologists in Moss Landing, California were initially stunned and puzzled by the number of dead porpoises turning up with broken bones, rake marks, and internal bleeding. Well, they've finally cracked the case and identified the culprit: DOLPHINS. These dolphins are travelling around in groups and beating porpoises to death. I'm not talking 1 or 2 here. 74 porpoises turned up on CA beaches last year. With video footage of an attack, the scientists don't doubt that dolphins are the killers here. But they still haven't figured out why. The best they've come up with is sexual frustration. Well, let's run through some other ideas.

1. Dolphins are racists. Dolphins and porpoises are both mammals, but can generally be distinguished by external physical characteristics. Humans have a long history of fearing what is different. Why not dolphins? Dolphins are jerks who kill porpoises because they have a different nose, or can't make sounds.

2. There is a major shake-up in the underwater hierarchy pending. Dolphins are ganging up and preying upon weaker porpoises. People who do this generally feel threatened and act in desperation. It's quite possible that a major power-shift is in order. The Dolphins know it, and they are panicking, trying to hold onto authority as it slips away. But where or who is it slipping away to? 2 words: TrashBerg. Monster. That's right, he's real, growing, and showing his ability to kill fish much more than either dolphins or porpoises. The new King of the Sea is gonna turn these pathetic dolphins into Chickens of the Sea. Laugh if you must, but I wouldn't get on his bad side if I were you. I'm just saying.

Either way, here's a PSA, a Porpoise Saving Announcement. Dolphins: You aren't fooling anyone. News is out that you are a bunch of punks. Word will spread, and no one will buy those clicks and squeaks as cute anymore. They will see you for who you really are: losers. So just knock it off with the ganging up and mercilessly beating porpoises. You aren't making any friends. And soon enough, you're going to need as many as you can get.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Unnecessary Store Employees

It's been a while. Sorry guys. Sadly outlining takes precedence over Blawegsome. Anyway, a couple things,

In continuance of my last post, I recently discovered yet another sweet google feature. If you go to googlegooglegooglegoogle.com, you get one window with 4 different search screens in them. This is pretty cool if you want a really quick way to have multiple pages open without going from window to window, and you dont want to resize all of them and put them in corners yourself. Being the nerd that I am, I naturally used one of the quarter-windows and went to googlegooglegooglegoogle.com to create even smaller windows. I imagine you could theoretically do this forever. Awesome.

I was recently told that when people meet my parents, they are "not what they expected." What this means is that I am the only constantly sarcastic and obnoxious one in the family. My dad tends to be somewhat quiet...around non-family people anyway. Put in the right situation and well, a different side shows. Example: the golf course. My dad uses profanity the way other artists work in oils or clay. The swearing generally comes out the most in two instances: 1) when he is attempting to use some technology, and 2) when he is golfing.

Yesterday on the golf course I went 18 with my brother and dad. On #5, Dad missed a short putt. I'll clean it up a little, but he said "Oh you a-whole...gosh darn it...fudge." As we walked to the next hole, I was with my brother, and my dad was out of earshot. I said "you know, I bet if they kept a tally of the number of times anyone had said those specific words in that specific order, Dad would be #1." He agreed.

At the tee on #6, Dad hit his drive into the right rough. Angry, he shouted "Oh you a-whole...gosh darn it....." and then there was silence. My brother and I exchanged a glance and stayed quiet, just waiting for it. Then, after about 7 seconds, "...fudge..." It was amazing. My dad has a world of swear words open to him, but for some reason this seems to subconsciously be his go-to "bad golf shot" swear.

Anyhow, this trip has opened my eyes to something else, which is the main topic of today's post: unnecessary store employees. I fully support companies creating jobs, but at the same time i really have to question them sometimes.

The Wal-Mart greeter. Theoretically, the idea of someone standing at the entrance of a store welcoming you is a great idea. Often times I go into a store looking for one specific thing, and it would be nice to be able to ask someone right when I walk in which way to head. All this is nice, like I said, theoretically. In practice, though, Wal-Mart greeters are hit or miss. On Tuesday I went into a wal-mart and there was no greeter. Honestly, I was a little surprised. Then I saw him though. This man had to be at least 80, standing sideways staring intently at a 4-year-old girl in one of the checkout lines. He did not move a muscle for at least the 10 seconds I saw him. And lets just say this is not the first weird, creepy wal-mart greeter I have encountered. The moral of the story is: good, friendly wal-mart greeters I can deal with. Creepy ones i can do without.

The Ukrops bag carrier. At Ukrops, when you purchase your groceries, they have people there to carry your bags out to your car. Again, this seems like a nice idea...theoretically. It would be nice to have someone be able to help you with your bags if you needed or wanted some help. But in reality, this is hardly an option. When someone demands that they take my groceries to my car, and they are much slower than me, it just creates an awkward situation. I don't want to walk slowly, I don't want to get my car and wait for you to get there. I don't want to make pleasant forced small talk. I just want to carry my own bags to my car. I think I should be able to do that if I want. Some Ukrops bag carriers disagree. Isn't it bad enough that you aren't open on Sundays, can't I at least get my groceries out the way I so choose?

I hope everyone had an excellent Thanksgiving, and safe travels back if you went away!

Friday, November 20, 2009

GoogleFuture.

We often reminisce back to our childhood or past by saying "hey, remember when ______" and then fill in the blank with some culutral reference. of the past. It can be "Hey, remember when gas was less than a dollar?" Or "Hey, remember when Ross and Rachel were on a break?" slight derivation from the original form is allowed, like "Hey remember VCRs?"

Often these phrases can say a lot about the present. Like "Hey, remember when Google was just a search engine?" Google these days is, of course, sooo much more. It puts the "fun" in "function." There's Gmail, Google Reader, Google Scholar, Google Earth (oh do not get me started on Google Earth...) Google Books, Google Calendar, Google Shopping, i could go on and on. Oh, and my personal favorite would have to be Google Trends, which lets you type in search terms and see what cities have been searching for that term the most. Example: I'd stay away from Richardson, Texas. No US city searched the term "swine flu" more.

When you go to www.google.com, some of the functions are listed at the top. Then there's a "more" link. click on this, and you;ll get a drop down bar with about a dozen MORE apps/functions. Then there's a "even more" link. Click on this, and it takes you to a page listing about 50 functions. You still won't find all of Google's functions here. When you have a more, and an even more link, and that STILL doesn't cut it, things are getting a little ridiculous.

I am sure this post will shoot up some red flags over at GoogleSpy. That's right, I'm on to you. Of course the general public can't know GoogleSpy exists, but I've caught on. Anyway, I mean no threat. Instead, I'd like to offer a few ideas for new Google functions! Full disclosure: some of these might exist already. It is hard to say.

Google Microwave. Point your laptop at a bag of popcorn, go to the Google Microwave page, and it will send microwaves through your webcam to the popcorn bag. This technology is dangerous...but delicious.

Google Superiority. If you type in any good thing about another search engine, it will give you 10 reasons why Google is better. If you type in any good thing about Google, it will agree wholeheartedly.

Google Curfew - Equipped with a motion detector, Google Curfew monitors and logs what time your children arrive home. If they arrive past their curfew, it will disable their facebook, twitter, Gchat, and AIM accounts. Virtual grounding!

Google Spading - Input footnotes, Google will give you citations. Then it will proceed to send a strongly worded email to the author of ridiculously incomplete footnotes.

Google Dispute Resolution. GDR is the new ADR. Two parties tell their side of the story, and google solves the problem, divides up any property, even convinces children that it's not their fault.


The possibilities are endless. Of course, this brings us back to a constant problem. While technology is nice, there comes a point where to make something convenient our computers and technology need to "think" At which point, they will destroy us all and inherit the world. I am firmly AGAINST this idea, for two main reasons. 1) it would mean I would get destroyed. Not comforting. 2) It would severely weaken the credibility of my plot for "Wasted Planet." Humans are supposed to be destroyed by the TrashBerg monster, not google.

So here's the deal, Google. Most of your apps are awesome. But let's not get carried away here and do something we will all regret later. Google Robot is not an option.

Of course, I will likely not be listened to. For more, please see my forthcoming post on how to survive if Google Robots take over the world.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Late Night at the Boat

Here at U of R, The Law School Library closes its doors at midnight. So if you want to burn the late night oil, your best bet is to head on over to Boatwright Memorial Library, the undergrad library. The Boat is open 24/7 (except during a snowstorm, as I found out last winter).

An undergrad library open 24 hours is a new experience for me, as Swem (William and Mary's library) closed early as well. I will tell you, William and Mary has enough strange characters as is. Here in Richmond, you don't see it all the time during the day, but spend a night in the Boat, and the characters will come out.

-There's the girl listening to music so loudly that you wonder if she knows everyone within a 30 foot radius is "movin my hips like yeah" too.
-The guy who can't look at his book for more than 4 seconds without looking up and around the room for a solid 15 seconds.
-The girls who don't seem to have any clue they are in a quiet study area.
-The guys who don't seem to have any clue they are in a quiet study area.
-The guy who showed up for a study DATE only to be disappointed because it is clear the girl showed up for a STUDY date.
-Mr. Braswell.
-The girl who appears to have come to the library at 2 in the morning to do nothing but Facebook and YouTube.
-The constant cougher
-The constant sniffler
-The constant sigher (I really hope this guy's life situation is not so bad as to warrant all those sighs)
-The guy who has to have gone to the bathroom at least 4 times in the last 45 minutes.
-The study group who seems entirely too energized but doesn't have a single cup of coffee or energy drink at their table.

If you are in the library late at night, and you don't see or hear some of these people, ask yourself this: ARE YOU some of these people? Don't feel bad if you are, it just means you fit in. Because we've all got something in common, here on Late Night at the Boat.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

QuickPost: A Crazy Stat.

I love sports. Specifically, I love sports stats. I've seen a lot of crazy stats over the years, but this one might just top them all:

Note: Today is November 17th.

The New York Yankees, with 2 wins in November, have MORE November wins than the Jets, Giants, Nets, and Knicks COMBINED! The Knicks have won 1 game in November. The Jets, Giants, and Nets have not won any.

This is crazy. C'mon, New York/New Jersey, you guys can do better than this. 4 teams should not combine for 1 win in 3 weeks. Especially when 2 of those teams are basketball teams and play 3 times a week. Well, in any case, even if the nets and knicks keep losing, this stat will come to an end Saturday, when they play each other, ensuring that this combination of teams will have at least TWO November wins.

Note: with the jets at New England this week, and the giants against Atlanta, it actually could be a little while before the team hits 3 wins to surpass the Yankees. Time will tell.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Suspensions for Meeping

It's time for another installment of "Whatever, I Do What I Want!" This week's WIDWIW award goes to the administration at Danvers High School in Massachusetts.

At Danvers High School, the recent student trend is "meeping," or saying the word "meep." Meep, as in, the sound Beaker used to make on the Muppets. The higher-ups at Danvers high school have decided to take things into their own hands, threatening to SUSPEND any student caught "meeping" in school.

Really? You're going to suspend students for saying a word that means absolutely nothing? Seriously, UrbanDictionary.com defines "Meep" as "the most versatile word int eh English language" and that it "can mean whatever you want it to mean."

Principal Thomas Murray claims that it's not about the word. He says "it has to do with the conduct of the students. We wouldn't just ban a word just to ban a word." With all due respect, principal Murray, it seems like that is EXACTLY what you are doing. You threatened the suspensions after rumors started of a mass-meeping in school. So if it's about the conduct, and not about the word, would you suspend students if they got together and all said "physics!" Somehow I doubt it. And suspension? Really? Does the phrase "let the punishment fit the crime" ring any bells? I'm no expert on the rules of the Massachusetts school board, but I imagine suspensions go on a students permanent record, and are gonna show up on college applications. Red flags like that could be the difference between admission and rejection. Do you really want to put up a roadblock in a 15-year-olds future because he says the word "meep" in school? It's really a shame schools don't have some other form of punishment, something like detention....oh wait, they do.

Students disrupting class repeatedly is one thing. Students using meep clearly in the place of bad words is another. But I really really hope you do not carry out these suspensions for students saying the word in the halls.

Mr. Murray, I don't know the ins and outs of your school. I don't know what other form of punishments you have available, but I imagine there must be something. SUSPENDING students for saying the word "meep" somehow seems a little extreme. So enjoy your "whatever, I do what I want!" award. If I had a trophy, I would send it to you. You could put it on your desk, and show it to parents when they come in and ask why you have ruined their child's educational future.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Animals, Adjectives, and Adverbs

If animals knew what was going on in the human world, some of them would be pissed. I'm not talking about animal cruelty or anything like that. No, I'm talking about something else - animals used as negative adjectives and adverbs.

When your hands are cold, sweaty, and pretty gross to touch, we say they are "clammy." Do you think clams are happy about this? I mean, what have clams ever done to us? They are peaceful creatures - all they do is chill in the ocean until maybe one day they show up in some seafood fry bucket in North Carolina for some happy tourists to gobble up. For all we know, clams could be friendly. But we've gone ahead and assumed that they aren't, slapping them with negativity faster than a D-hall dinner table does to anyone who says something questionable.

Sticking with the ocean-animals theme, why are suspicious things "fishy?" Who is responsible for that? I don't see fish and think that they are up to no good and plotting some scheme to bring us all down. Wait a second...come to think of it, they are giving safe harbor and protection to the TrashBerg Monster, who will in turn destroy us all...alright new evidence has emerged. I'll get back to you on "fishy."

Sloth. Alright, sure these guys aren't showy. They don't scurry around the forest with blazing speed. Some say slow, I say they take their time and enjoy the scenery. But do they really deserve to share their name with one of the 7 deadly sins? That is harsh. Sloths are really upset about this. In fact, they are so jealous of other animals whose names aren't associated with deadly sins, that they are green with envy.



All I'm saying is, what have these animals ever done to us? Why do we degrade them so. We did it with fish, and if they weren't suspicious before, they certainly are now in plotting their revenge. The idea of a sloth and clam army rising up against us doesn't exactly thrill me either. So let's show some respect to our animal friends. Next time someone has cold, sweaty hands, just be real and say they are "cold and sweaty" More syllables? Yes. Worth it in the end? Time will tell...

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Human Wrecking Balls and Parkour

On Wednesday, November 11th, a great TV Show returns to the air with all-new episodes - Human Wrecking Balls. Here's the premise - each episode, two professional breakers (like breaking stacks of wood, bricks, etc.), the Pumphrey Brothers, try to dismantle something with their bare hands. And by "something" I mean a helicopter, plane, boat, house, arcade, bar, movie theatre, office, hotel room, or gas station. They have a structural engineer there to explain just how hard it will be to break this stuff. Then the brothers break them.

It really is amazing how these guys completely wreck anything without any tools. It also makes you think about how cheap some of your stuff might be. The best part of the show is that they have a "big break" every episode. It's either something cool that they both want to do, or something really dangerous that neither of them want to do. They have a contest, and the winner/loser has to do the big break. A sample "contest" was to see who could break 6 stacks of cinder blocks. With 6 different moves. And the cinder blocks were on fire.

The ridiculousness of the show is only surpassed by its awesomeness.

Speaking of which, I'm currently watching a show on MTV called Ultimate Parkour challenge. Parkour is a sport/activity that basically involves getting from Point A to Point B in the most creative way possible. These guys do crazy wall jumps, handstand walks, flips, all sorts of crazy stuff. The bad landings are brutal, but most of the whole time, you just stare in awe and wonder how they do things like that. I mean I'm not gonna put it on the TiVo, but it's alright to watch every once in a while.

human Wrecking Balls returns for a new season Wednesday at 8:00 on G4.

Friday, November 6, 2009

More Evidence of the LHC Saboteur

A few days ago, I did a post on the possibility of the Large Hadron Collider being sabotaged from the future. The basic idea is that if the Large Hadron Collider finds the God particle, it will destroy the universe, and so someone or something is going back in time to save the universe by throwing hitches in the development of the LDC. The idea was proposed by two physicists, and was recently featured on the Colbert Report.

If you don't buy into the idea, let me ask you this: what do you need? More hitches? Stranger, more random things that you wouldn't expect to happen? Well then prepare to take one more step towards believing.

On Thursday the LHC suffered extreme overheating in several sections. Why? Because a bird dropped a piece of bread into a piece of equipment above the accelerator ring.

I'm gonna say that again. Just for emphasis. The most recent in a string of breakdowns for the Large Hadron collider was overheating in several sections due to a bird dropping a piece of a baguette into the collider.

This has to be more than a coincidence. But to me, it's even more than proof that the LHC is being sabotaged. It's a clue as to who is saving the universe from the future. They're using birds. This can't go unignored. I'd say 97% of the human population loathe pigeons. It takes a rare breed to love birds, and even rarer to trust them with such a lofty task.

So who is this mysterious person saving us all? We can start to paint a picture. The first person that comes to mind is the pigeon lady from Home Alone. She is mysterious, yet wise. Crafty, yet caring. And she is friends with all of the birds, and they do her bidding. We've got a match. The LHC Saboteur is definitely a descendant of the bird lady.



Our next clue is the baguette. It pains me to believe that the savior of our universe is French. And if you think about it, it makes sense that he's not. The bird dropped a piece of a baguette - which means the saboteur didn't finish his baguette. A French person would never do that.

So that's where we're at. Like the bird lady. And not French. As the clues continue to roll in, we'll get a clearer idea of who our LHC saboteur from the future is. More to come...as soon as they try to fire this thing up again I'm sure.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Snuggie Update

Today marks the 8-month anniversary of the day I became a PSO (Proud Snuggie Owner) It has served me well, and will hopefully continue to do so. Lightweight, yet keeps me warm. Holds up well after a machine washing. I have no complaints. But I've noticed an interesting trend recently. My Snuggie has become, for lack of a better term, "vintage."

I was at dinner on Monday when Mike asked if anyone owned a Snuggie. Always happy to represent, I said that I did. He asked if I had the leopard print one. No, I said, mine is blue. It's old school.

I imagine situations like this happen across the country almost every day. See, recently, Snuggies have been branching out with new products. Today there is the Microplush Snuggie, the latest in Snuggie technology. The regular Snuggie is no longer available in only 3 solid colors - but also in designer print, like leopard and zebra print. There are also Snuggies printed with the logos of colleges (although not all colleges. I received a letter from their marketing company thanking my for my letter requesting a University of Richmond Snuggie, but they were unable to make one.) They are even not just for humans anymore - with the Snuggie for Dogs growing in popularity. Most recent is the Weezer Snuggie - which comes with the band's name on the Snuggie, is twice the price but comes with Weezer's new CD.

It puts us long-time PSO's in an interesting position. On the one hand, I am definitely happy for the company. They deliver a good product, and they should continue to expand. I totally support it. On the other hand though, every new type of Snuggie is a type that I don't have. And the last thing that I want is to be looked down upon because I've been rockin' the Snuggie for many a fortnight.

I've considered upgrading to the Microplush recently. However, at the end of the day, I really don't have to. My vintage Snuggie is still awesome. So really, I guess the only thing to do is to be proud of my classic, keep spreading my message - that you can mock the infomercials all you want, but Snuggies are awesome and better than regular blankets. I recently gave my sister one for her birthday. My awesome legal research professor recently purchased one (which I like to think I have something to do with).

And in a great turn of events that really worked out for me, this happened: My brother and my mom work at the same company. My mom mentioned that her son has a Snuggie. Naturally everyone in the office thought she meant my brother, and bombarded him with questions about his Snuggie, which he had to deny over and over again.

It's been a warm and productive 8 months. Here's to the next being even more so. If you still don't have one, you don't know what you're missing. Don't hate.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Holidays

With Halloween only 364 days away, it can be easy to get caught up in the hype of planning your next costume. But don't get carried away. There are plenty of other excellent holidays on the way before 10/31/2010. And probably a couple you haven't heard of. Let's make like Dumbledore and shed some lumos on this situation

1. Thanksgiving. November 26th. The idea behind Thanksgiving is that people will take some time, reflect on their lives, and be grateful for blessings. But our holiday forefathers were realists. They knew not many people would actually do this. So they cooked up some story about Pilgrims and food to make it a tradition that there would be an elaborate feast with way too much of all kinds of dishes. They built giving thanks right into the system, as in
"Thankfully I don't have to cook anything else for 5 days. We'll just eat leftovers."
"Thank God I don't have to do that many dishes at once again until next Thanksgiving."
"Aunt Betty got snowed in and won't be joining us. No annoying relatives, and more food for me. Of this I am thankful."
Basically, no matter what your outlook on life is, or how much self-reflection you do, you can always be thankful for SOMETHING when there is family and cooking, even if it is that it will all be over soon...

2. Christmahannuboxingkwanzukamas Day. Some people prefer to say "the Holiday season." To them I say, "Really? How do you think that makes the other seasons feel?" Summer, Autumn, Winter, and Spring have been getting cut down for years now. Take Autumn. First, they stick you with not 1 but 2 U's, clearly the worst vowel in the alphabet, then they assign the dreaded "mn" combo? Ouch. This led to most people falling for the easier-to-say-and-spell "fall" instead. Not only is it easier, but it is also a verb, lending it to be used in such phrases as "Spring ahead, fall back." And it's not just Autumn! The proud title of "season" has been getting tossed around more than H1N1. We've got hurricane season, flu season, [insert sport here] season, stop me anytime. Basically, any kind of time period more than a week and a half that has some kind of theme can be called a "season." Well I'm not buying it. Let's give the REAL 4 seasons their dignity back, and come up with a new word for all the fake seasons. I'm going with Hurricane Puppy-Time. No one is gonna argue with something called "Puppy-Time." It's just so adorable, it must be right.

3. Groundhog Day. February 2nd. When New Years Eve rolls around, people make resolutions, promise themselves a fresh start, vow to make the coming year better. Then they fall flat on their face, mess up, and everything is ruined by MLKJ day. Well don't worry, readers. For groundhog day is just around the corner - a day where if you mess something up, you can just get a re-do, and keep trying until you get it right. Sadly, for those of us who aren't Bill Murray, this isn't always a reality. Instead, we are stuck with a day that is exactly like the day before it, and after it, except for one small difference - thousands of people flock to Pennsylvania to see some guy in a coat hold up a groundhog. Thrilling, really.

A big part of it must be the suspense of Groundhog Day. If Phil comes out and sees his shadow, gets scared, and runs back into his hole, then there will be 6 more weeks of winter. But let's face it - this tradition is outdated, and it's value as a prophecy is about as meaningful as a promise from Orlando that he will show up to a flag football game. I'm sure he's scared off by his shadow, and not the throngs of crazy people and flash cameras trying to catch a glimpse. And 6 more weeks of winter? That's clearly a pre-global warming idea. There's no way winter extends into late March these days.

4. St. Patrick's Day. March 17th. Honestly, this one never ceases to amuse me. A holiday completely based on drinking, and the color green. I wonder how St. Patrick would feel about the way his day is celebrated. Upset? Amused? I'll tell you who is furious - all the other saints that nobody knows because they don't have days. They must loathe Patrick. They would probably be green with envy, except that would actually be construed as supporting St. Patrick and his day. There need to be more holidays where one color plays a huge role. I suppose orange is pretty big with Halloween. Brown seems to have some pull with Thanksgiving. Obviously, green and red are Christmas colors. But Green and St. Patrick's Day take them all to the cleaners. Do you get physically attacked for not wearing orange on Halloween? No way. It's this kind of dedication that we need. in all our holidays. Let's associate a color with every holiday, and make drinking said-colored beer an integral part of the celebration. I cannot wait for my pink beer come valentines day.

5. Flag Day. June 14th. It's a sad commentary on our nation that "Groundhog Day" is much more popular than "Symbol-of-our-Freedom Day." I do my best to support awareness of Flag Day. I think it would be more popular if people could create their own flags. It's no insult to America, but July 4th is less than a month away. This year, I will create my own flag, most likely encompassing the spirit of my favorite things that start with "S" - Snuggies, ShamWows, Steve Nash, Snickers bars, Samurai Swords, Sleeping in, and Scrubs. It should be awesome.

Those are just a few highlights, but there is PLENTY of opportunity for festivity and celebrations in the years to come. And I for one cannot wait.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Awesome website

For more on the Large Hadron Collider, I was sent this pretty awesome website by Cate.

http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/


The website, as simple as it is, amuses me greatly. Mainly because it will never change. Other similar websites, like http://isitchristmas.com/, answer the question of if it is currently Christmas. But these websites change - on Christmas, the no will become a yes, if only for a day.

However, with hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com, the "nope" will never become a yes. I mean, I'm just assuming that if it does destroy the world, the person who controls the website won't be able to change it. But I guess that raises a philosophical question: If a webpage is updated, and no one is there to view it, does it really change?

In the bummer of the day, it appears isittuesday.com has changed to some sports betting site. This is terrible news. Now how will I know if it is Tuesday? it is a good thing I don't have anything on Tuesdays, or my world would be in turmoil.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Sabotaged from the Future

It's been a while, my apologies for the delay. Busy times mean less blawegsome. Anyway, here we are.

In Switzerland, a group called CERN has built a massive particle accelerator. It's called the Large Hadron Collider, it's an 18 MILE long particle accelerator built underground designed to smash photons into each other at 99% the speed of light. The purpose of the collider is to find the Higgs boson particle, also called the "God Particle," which is believed to give all matter it's mass. Finding the particle could shed light on the origin of the universe. This is as real as it gets.

Unfortunately, the project hasn't exactly run smoothly. In October 2005, a technician was killed in the tunnel when a crane load was dropped on him. In March 2007, a magnet broke during a test. Turns out the insulation wasn't thick enough to deal with the forces of the magnets used. It's computer network was hacked in August 2008. In September of 2008, there was a rupture of some helium tanks during powering tests. Then, in July 2009, two vacuum leaks were found when they tried to fire it up.

To the normal observer, it may seem like these are a string of unforeseeable and unrelated coincidences. Perhaps. But consider the view of Danish physicist Dr Holger Bech Nielsen and Dr Masao Ninomiya from Japan. These guys say that the project is being sabotaged...FROM THE FUTURE. Specifically, the forces of nature will ripple back through time to stop the particle from being discovered.

Now, these guys aren't saying that the particle is eventually found and goes back in time to destroy itself. That's the time travel paradox - if you go back in time to stop yourself from existing in the first place, you could not do that because you never would have existed. So while you can't go back in time and kill your grandfather, you COULD go back in time to keep him from being hit by a bus. These scientists say that's what is going on here - If CERN finds the particle, it would destroy the Universe, and something is going back in time to keep the Universe from getting hit by a bus.

I admire these scientists for working the system. Cause here's what they've done: they're saying that the CERN project, one of the most complex and advanced scientific projects ever, will continue to experience problems. Yes, I believe that juggler with 24 balls in the air will drop one every once in a while. And their justification for their theory? It's happening from the future! Perfect - because you cannot prove them wrong. At least not yet...

Personally though, I am going to side with the the scientists' future-saboteur theory here. When time travel becomes available, of course people are going to want to go into the past and mess with stuff. That's just human nature. But let's just assume these guys are right for a second. If finding the particle would indeed destroy the universe, then there would be nothing or no one TO come back and keep the particle from being discovered.

Consider the 2007 incident. Fermilab director Pier Oddone stated "In this case we are dumbfounded that we missed some very simple balance of forces"
From where I'm sitting there are only two possible explanations:

1) A group of the smartest physicists in the entire world "missed some very simple balance of forces," and all these other accidents are pure coincidences, OR

2) The project is being sabotaged from the future.

I'm going with 2. Of course, this means that time travel is created without the finding of the God particle. Which means I still have time!

Admittedly, my support of this theory is not without my own personal gain. The idea adds a whole new element to "Wasted Planet," my screenplay about the battle for Earth between the TrashBerg Monster and Aliens. Let's just say a new player has emerged...the FUTURE.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Flying Squirrels

Baseball. America's national pastime. A sport filled with tradition like no other. When it comes to team names, several come to mind.
-There are the names like the Yankees that you can't really say much about
-There are teams that have a fearsome mascot (Pirates and Diamondbacks)
-There are teams that would not do well together in a Washer with hot water (White Sox and Red Sox)
-There are teams whose full grown version of their mascot WOULD be fearsome, but instead chose the adorable baby version for alliteration purposes (Cubs)
-There are cute little birds (Orioles, Blue Jays, Cardinals)
-There are teams that try to outnumber you (Twins)
-And there are teams that state the obvious (Athletics)

But today we enter a different category - teams named after old cartoons with moose sidekicks. The new Richmond baseball team has been named The Flying Squirrels. Personally, I am super excited about this. For those who don't know, I have a special connection to small woodland creatures. In high school, my nickname was Chipee, because I both looked and sounded like a squirrel. True story.

While I have somewhat outgrown those (not completely, but hey, what can ya do?) I still love squirrels. I am convinced William and Mary has the highest squirrel-student ratio of anny college campus in the US. Those little guys are EVERYWHERE. My freshman year we tried to catch one to release on one of the girls halls. We were unsuccessful.

In this economy, no one is laughing more than squirrels. Squirrels INVENTED the concept of saving. They don't go out and splurge on some tail highlights of a $25 acorn that doesn't taste much different than a $2 acorn to impress their school friends. No, squirrels gather their nuts, they put em away for when they need em, and they spend the rest of their time either (a) chasing other squirrels, or (b) luring humans into chasing them.

Squirrels work hard and play hard, and nothing else. I am convinced that they don't sleep. One day I will find out. Somehow...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Local News at its Finest

My friend Rudy sent me this video a while back. It came back into my life recently, and I thought is worth sharing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5C2gihnEkE&feature=player_embedded

Note: This is a legit news report. If you can't watch it, it's a video of a reporter covering a news story about how a bear had been spotted around the area.

Most reporters would go to the scenes where the bear had been seen and report from there. They would probably interview witnesses as well. But my hat goes off to WJW Fox 8 Reporter Todd Meany. He wanted to give the viewers the real experience. So he got a cardboard cut out of a bear and placed in the camera shot. "This is what the bear probably looked like...only real..."

But that wasn't enough. Oh, no. To illustrate the bear escaping, he crouched behind the cardboard bear and made it hop across the woods to show what it would have looked like running away. Classic. He also recreates the bear climbing up a tree. And perhaps the best part of the whole report - in order to assure pet owners that their beloved pets will be safe, he films a 2-second close up of a man in a rabbit costume saying he's not scared because he's faster than a bear.

You know, you just can't teach this level of commitment and dedication to journalism, nay, to America. Anyone can stand on a highway and say "some joggers spotted a bear here." But what is the point? There's no difference between that and a RADIO report. Instead, Todd took full advantage of his medium. To SHOW, really show the viewers what the bear would have looked like running away, he did the next best thing to chasing an actual bear.

I must say I was enriched by the report. While others may mock Mr. Meany for his tactics, I admire him for his commitment. When I think of reporters going the extra mile, I think of weathermen reporting in 90 mph winds, war correspondents in the middle east. And now...I will also think of Todd Meany. Crouching behind that cardboard bear. Prancing it into the woods. Sir, I salute you.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Cheese or Font? PLUS a Disturbing Trend

Occam's Razor: All other things being equal, the simplest explanation is usually better. Sometimes simple things can be super awesome. I was sent the following website by my friend Megan today: http://cheeseorfont.mogrify.org

It's called Cheese or Font. It gives you a word, and that word is either the name of a cheese, or the name of a font. You have to guess which. Simple, but AWESOME! Especially for a cheese nut like myself. But it's things like this that are just so cool. Fonts have weird names. Everyone knows this. Cheeses have weird names. Most people know this too. But I have never thought of those two things in the same thought. I really would have loved to have been there when this idea was thought up.

Just thought I would share that one. Thanks for the good find Megan.

My real concern tonight is about the increasing spread of another facebook epidemic, this one only amongst law students. Readers may remember one of my first posts was a harsh critique of the "25 Things" facebook trend. Recently, an abundance of people take faceook quizzes. Things like "Which Harry Potter character are you???" When you take the quiz it posts a link on your wall. I'm fine with most of these quizzes, but there is one in particular I've got to shake my head at.

I speak, of course, of the "Which Federal Rule of Civil Procedure Are You?" Quiz.
Really??? Has it really come to this. C'mon law students. Don't people hate us enough already because we can't stop talking about law school outside of law school. This can only lead to bad things. I don't want to be out at a bar and hear "Dude, I was totally Rule 61 too! Harmless Error Right On!" Should that ever happen, their decision to say that will be Harmful Error, because they will get punched in the face.

All I'm saying is that incorporating law school nerdiness into social networking things like Facebook and YouTube has a time and a place. An acceptable example: The CivPro rap of YouTube fame. It's ok because it's educational! Never again will I forget that Rule 19 is required, and 20 is permissive (if you've heard the rap you know why). The FRCP quiz serves no value, other than displaying prominently on your wall that you are even more of a huge law school nerd. If that's how you wanna play it, I guess just go right ahead, but I'll pass on this new fad myself.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Glee brings back Sue!

This time of year brings several things. Months that take longer to spell (writing "September" makes me miss "May" and "June"). Colder temperatures. Longer nights of studying. But one undeniable relief from that last one is the new fall TV lineup. New shows hit the air. Some will flop, others will flourish. Tonight I take a moment to praise one that I believe is on a path to greatness. I speak, of course, of Glee.

Glee is Fox's new Wednesday night powerhouse. If you haven't seen it, the show is about a high school glee club, and the characters have overly dramatic problems that you would expect some people around the country to have, but usually not all in one small group. The show seamlessly integrates first class singing numbers with plot and character development.

Tonight;s episode was awesome, and at the very end, well, it got even awesomer. It seems we are going to be seeing more and more of my favorite character - Sue Silvester. Sue is the cheerleading coach, and is a politically incorrect nutjob out to destroy Glee Club. Her utter disdain for Mr. Schuster and the club is awesome, and her quotes are instant 1-liners (While yelling at her cheerleading squad: "You think this is hard? Try living with Hepatitis, that's HARD!)

Sue has been noticeably and inexplicably absent the last two episode, but in tonight's show she was made co-director of the club, and next weeks preview featured her predominantly. Of all the amazing one-liners, my favorite Sue moment is actually not a short quote at all. It is her advice on her TV segment used to wrap up episode 3 (I think it was episode 3) These are words to live by. I have them printed and posted on my wall for inspiration. Check it out:

"You know there’s a question I get asked a lot - whether I’m accepting an honorary doctorate or performing a citizen’s arrest, people ask me, “Sue, what’s your secret?” Well I’ll tell you my secret western Ohio - Sue Silvester’s not afraid to shake things up. You know I’m tired of hearing people complain “I’m riddled with this disease” or “I was in that tsunami”. To them I say - shake it up a bit! Get out of your box! Even if that box happens to be where you’re living. I’ll often yell at homeless people - “Hey! How’s that homelessness working out for ya! Give not being homeless a try, huh?”

You know something Ohio? It’s not easy to break out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn’t have bothered in the first place, but let me tell you something - there’s not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They’re both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they’re cheering for you, you do that and someday - they will! And that’s how Sue Sees It."

Classic.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Making Class Enjoyable

Given my somewhat abrupt switch from teaching to Law School, I would not be at all surprised if at some point in the future I end up as a teacher or a professor. Given full control of a classroom, I think there are some things I would do to make things interesting. We've all been in a class where people fall asleep, or don't even bother to show up. Aren't there things that professors could do to keep kids coming back? Glad you asked.

1. In my class, I will have a T-Shirt gun. The kind they have at stadiums. I will adjust the range to fit the size of my lecture hall. First day, 3 kids will get t-shirts. The front will say "I attended Professor Blau's lecture and all I got was this lousy T-shirt..." and on the back it will say "...AND KNOWLEDGE!" (Special thanks to my awesome legal research professor for that one.) I sit front row center, so the kid who sits there will definitely get one. He'll have to have good hands, cause I'll be using the T-shirt gun from short range.

As the class goes on and word gets around about my T-shirt gun, I will find different things to fire out. Miniature candy bars. If things get too out of hand, then it will be cheetos. Not bags of cheetos...unwrapped, orange powder covered cheetos. Will it be a mess? Yes. Will a few laptops get ruined? Sure. An unforgettable experience for all involved? Definitely.

On exam day, the gun will be used to distribute exams. The risk of paper cuts is slightly elevated, but I think it will be worth it.

2. I will open and close every class with a clip from "Scrubs" by the time I am a professor, I guess this will be one of those old shows that none of my students will have seen except for reruns. I will laugh hysterically, and they will laugh out of pity for me...

3. Hamster breaks. During the class, I will bring my 10 hamsters, put them each in a ball, and set them loose. If you get called on, and don't know the answer. Rather than try to BS something and waste every one's time, just take a "hamster break." This is where you don't answer the question. Instead, you just grab a ball, go outside, and play with the hamster for 5 minutes. Class continues without you.

4. I will distribute to students some "software" to install on their computers for use during class. This will be a cover up. What they are actually installing on their computers is a device that will beep obnoxiously loudly if they go on any social networking site. (Note: I would say facebook and the such, but who knows what we will have in the future?) The best part about this is that it will happen more than once. There will undoubtedly be other people who skipped the class that day. When they do show up, they are pretty likely to hit up one of these sites. Embarrassing for a few, but that's just part of the fun, right?

Just a couple ideas. I'll post more if any brilliant ones come to me. I think after a couple years, I might be able to convince someone that the "T" actually stands for "T-Shirt Gun..."

Monday, September 28, 2009

Stupid Criminals

There are a lot of stupid criminal stories out there. You know, a guy robs a 7-11 and demands some cigarettes too, the clerk says he doesn't look 18 and asks for ID,the guy gives it to him, and then when he leaves, the clerk calls the cops and gives them the guys info. My personal favorite was the guy who tried to kill his girlfriend by putting her in the trunk of his car, parking it on some train tracks, and getting out and running away as the train approached. The train hit the car and sent it flying. The car landed on the guy as he was running away, killing him. The girl in the trunk survived.

The common theme here is always the "getting away with it." These people have a plan, and even if most of it gets carried out correctly, they can't get away with it. These two guys didn't even follow through all the way. Others go through with the act, but then are tracked down by the police when someone finds the body.

A lot of the time, this happens quicker than the culprit comprehended. Maybe it's because they are not creative. And so I present 3 ways to get a head start before someone finds the body.

PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL, AND ONLY MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS. I HAVE NOT DONE, NOR DO I ENDORSE, ANY OF THESE.

1: If you lack a good place to put the body, just go to a college campus, put them in a swimsuit, and lay them out on the grass on the first really sunny day in the spring. People will just think they are sunbathing, and won't bother them until around 7 or 730. best case scenario, by the time the sun goes down, people will just think they are drunk and passed out.

2: Three words: Civil War Reenactment. It's amazing to me that more people don't actually get killed in these things. I guess people who do reenactments don't get involved in mafia wars or any situation where someone would want to get them. if you went after someone, and got them at the beginning of a reenactment, it would be hours before the thing ended and anyone would figure out what had happened. And eyewitnesses? "What was he wearing?" "uh...gray." Great, that narrows it down to half of the people here.

3: Paint them entirely silver, and put them on a street corner. People will think, "man that mime is lazy, but really good!" Note: as tempting as it may be to put out a hat or a guitar case, then return and collect any money people have given him, you should not. Do not do this. Never return to the scene of the crime.

For those who question my commitment to Blawegsome: If in the future, a body is found in one of these situations, and for any reason I am a suspect, this post will surely be damning evidence. Because I have no intentions of ever doing that, it's a risk I am willing to take.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

You have the right to watch me pick up this spare!

Yes, it's time for another edition of "Whatever, I Do What I Want!" Today's WIDWIW award goes to the Polk County police department. On a recent drug bust, the investigation team busted into a drug dealer's house to make an arrest. Apparently they were overstaffed for the job, so while some of the officers made the arrest, searched the home (you know, official stuff) some of the others found a Wii. And started playing. That's right, within 20 minutes of entering the house, the force had a game of Wii Bowling going. While some were hauling out evidence, others were playing this guy's Wii! There was a security camera watching them the whole time.

Wow. I think on behalf of police officers everywhere who have fought for years to get past the fat-stupid-cop-stereotype I just want to say thanks, Polk County officers. Cause nothing screams professionalism and demands respect like playing video games. On the job. At a suspects house. And it's his Wii. Oh, and it wasn't just extra people filling time. According to an article, "A Polk County sheriff's detective cataloging evidence repeatedly put down her work and picked up a Wii remote to bowl. When she hit two strikes in a row, she raised her arms above her head, jumping and kicking." Really???

Best of all has got to be the quote from Auburndale Police Chief Nolan McLeod "Certainly this was a case of bad judgment." Yeah. I think that's putting it lightly.

Here's an article for more: http://www2.tbo.com/content/2009/sep/21/undercover-drug-investigators-embarrass-polk-sheri/
Thanks to my friend Liesl for this gem.

Fines

In the world of sports, and the real world I suppose, you get fined for doing bad things. Saying bad things about refs, not reporting a players injury, throwing tantrums, you name it. But the fines across the world of sports are inconsistent. Allow me to use two recent events to demonstrate.

In a US Open semi-final match between Kim Clijsters and Serena Williams, Serena was down a set and serving at 5-6 in the second, 15-30. After being called for a second serve foot fault, her blood began to boil. After a calm 10 seconds or so, Mount Serena swiftly walked towards the line judge who made the called and began pointing and yelling. Loudly. With obscenities. The line judge ran to the chair umpire, and, Serena came over along with some officials. Serena was shocked to hear that the line judge thought Serena was going to kill her. I mean, all Serena said was that she would stuff a tennis ball down her f*****g throat. And she got kill from that? (Incidentally, if you WERE to survive treatment like that, I imagine you would have a terrible scratchy throat from all those little yellow fuzz pieces).

This blow up earned Serena a $10,000 fine. I have no idea who receives that money or what it goes towards.

Moving ahead, recently Floyd "Step your game up!" Mayweather fought Mexican fighter Juan Manuel Marquez. The stipulated weight of each fighter was to be 144 pounds. The day before the fight, Pretty Boy Floyd tipped the scales at 146. He got fined $600,000. And that money went straight to Marquez.

And here's the problem. Is Serena going to miss that 10 grand a lot? Doubt it. Is any of that money going to that line judge for emotional scarring? Doubt it. I imagine it will go straight to some giant WTA slush fund and we'll never actually know what it gets used for. More importantly, will Serena restrain herself next blow up? maybe. if she does, it will only be done for public image. It's not about the money.

Personally, I like boxing system better. 600 grand!?!?! And it goes straight to the pockets of your opponent?!?! I'd bet a good chunk of change that Mayweather hits his weight right on the money next fight, or even a pound or 2 light. Now don't feel too bad for Floyd. He won the fight and walked away with about 10 million reasons to be ok with it all.

As for the lack of posting, moot court is controlling my life right now. Talk to him about it. Or see my last post. Much love.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I heart America

Most of the time, I am my own harshest critic. But when it comes to the frequency of my posts, that title has to go to you people. Yes, it is true that I don't post to blawegsome as often as I used to. And you guys (read Jill, Erin, and Carolyn) definitely do not let me forget it.

So why the drop in posting frequency? Perhaps I am busier these days. Perhaps notable funny things just aren't happening a lot. Maybe I've exhausted my material. Maybe you guys have just stopped doing awesome things to earn shout outs. (don't worry, that's not it. you guys rock.)

OR MAYBE there is some deeper purpose out there. I am a lot of things - short, sarcastic, obnoxious at times, humorous at others. I do triathlons and every 6 months or so I play 1 awesome game of basketball. I am a cheese connoisseur, and a cauliflower hater. But damn it I am an American. And in these troubled times, we all have to make sacrifices for the greater good. (the greater good).

My friend Carolyn put this together. It's kind of hard to see, but the blue line represents the frequency of my posts since February, and the purple line represents the Dow Jones Industrial Average.




Notice the strong negative correlation between the frequency of my posts and the Dow Jones Industrial average. That's right. When I post less, the stock market goes up. I am not being lazy, I am doing my part to turn this recession around! So to all my recent haters, who are disappointed when they don't have a brand new post to read in class every day, let me ask you this: Why do you hate America? Or, to put it in angry-dad-on-a-road-trip terms, "Don't make me turn this stock market around! Cause I will!"

We all do our part. Sure, I could post more. But do you really want to see that purple line come back down? I didn't think so. USA! USA! USA!

*If you just started chanting USA in your head, you've earned 20 awesome points. If you did it out load, you got 200. Congrats.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Throwback Uniforms

Mondays are not usually high profile days in sports, especially in the fall. Usually it's all about reacting to all the stuff that happened on Sunday. Football, Golf, Tennis...they all have the majority of their action on Sunday. But yesterday was different. Not only was I treated to a five set thriller of a US Open final, featuring, as tennis seems to recently, more language not appropriate for the younger kids, but also 2 down-to-the-wire NFL finishes.

Now, it seems like every time I write about sports in the blog I get a lot of flack, primarily from my female readership. So I won't talk much about the games. Rather I want to focus on the lack of security. Somehow, during the games yesterday, a group of TGIFriday's waiters made their way onto the field. And I'm not talking ran on and got tackled. They actually stuck around for the entire game. Right on the field. They had whistles, and yellow flags too.

For those confused, I am referring to the NFL's "throwback uniforms" Look at these things!




Orange and white stripes?!??! I get the whole idea of throwback uniforms, but let's leave it to the players. NFL refs get a lot of crap. When it was looking like the chargers wouldn't make the playoffs last year, people were not blaming their poor play for the first 13 weeks of the season. They pinned it on Ed Hochuli for one botched call early in the season. Bottom line: NFL Refs need to be respected. You need to look like you can make a holding call, not read me the specials. So come on NFL, don't subject your refs to these uniforms. They've got enough to worry about without having to bring out separate checks.

Monday, September 7, 2009

National Holidays

It's been a while since my last post. I've been a little busy I guess.

Transition.

Today is labor day. Growing up, labor day meant only one thing to me - the end of freedom. Fairfax county, like many schools around here, starts their school years the day after labor day. So it was one last day to sleep in, or to go outside before 4:00. And even though it was a day off, it was for all intents and purposes a bad day, because of what lay ahead.

For much of the adult working world, Labor Day is just the opposite - a welcome day off. It is the island between July 4th, should it land on a weekday, and Thanksgiving (or Columbus Day if you're lucky and get that off.)

And then there are those of us in the middle - in colleges or universities who do not close for Labor Day. For us, Labor Day is just another day. Or really, it is a day where we get to complain about how we don't get a holiday.

Holidays in the US are like famous paintings. Everyone knows a few (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and Halloween) but after that not many people could tell you what the other ones are, what they mean, or why they even exist. What better example than labor day. You think the average American knows the significance of Labor Day? They might be able to tell you that labor means "uh...work or somethin..." but to John C. America, Labor Day is, as someone in my copyright class put it today, a good reason to not go to work and drink beer.

Now don't get me wrong, I would love to have a reason to not go to work/school and drink beer. There should be more of these. And so I suggest the following national holidays:

-August 14th: Take Your Work to Your Daughter Day. On this day, instead of bringing your daughter to work, you let them deal with your papers, calls, and anything like that, while you relax and play all day. Most affected by this day: large corporations, and that guy in your office who is the only one without kids, and shows up to work that day.

-February 29th: National No-Regrets Day. This is the day to do something crazy and stupid. The reason is that you will never have to look at a calendar, realize what day it is, and say "man, remember this day last year? I wrestled with a raccoon. That was dumb!" This is because the anniversary of that day won't come around for another 4 years, at which point (1) you will have almost forgotten, and (2) it will be National No-Regrets Day again!

-June 12th: National Double-Presents-to-Anyone-Whose-Birthday-is-Today Day. This one is pretty self explanatory. It is also my birthday. Enough said.

-November 16th: Robra Day. On this day people will cut down trees. It is the opposite of Arbor Day. Robra Day and Arbor day are not to be confused with May 19th: Harbor Day. On this day, people can either (a) go hang out and watch boats, or (b) house a fugitive. Their choice.

I have seen the future, and these will catch on. Time will tell.

Mad props to the Tribe football team for the big win last weekend. Go Tribe!

Monday, August 31, 2009

Looking Young and Dancing

When you look like I do, getting weird looks at a bar is no rare occurrence. I find the looks generally fall into one of two categories. The first is fairly obvious and by far the most common - the "there is NO WAY that kid is 21" look. This comes in various forms. With slight variations in their expressions, I can actually differentiate the thoughts running through their heads. Other popular ones include:
-"I wonder where he got his fake ID"
-"What's wrong with that bouncer"
-"Nice job, kid"

Being judged for looking young is no new thing for me. I have been pulled over multiple times for looking too young to drive. At one such occurrence, when I was 16, the officer told me I "didn't look a day over 9." I have been to a total of 2 r-rated movies without getting carded, both of which happened in the last 6 months. Once, at the age of 18, I was carded for a PG-13 movie. I'm not sure they are even supposed/allowed to do that (incidentally, what ID do 13-year-olds have?

The second glare/look I get in bars is not about my age, but rather about my dancing. I don't have a lot of rhythm or dancing skills per se. I don't dance to pick up girls, or to show off sweet moves. I just do it to have fun. I am well aware that most of the time I look pretty stupid. And I'm alright with that. What really amuses me is other people.

Here's how it usually goes down. I see someone watching me. They smirk, then turn to their two or three friends who they are standing around with, who then immediately look at me. Real slick, guys. Then one of them, usually the first one, starts imitating me. Most of the time it's a mediocre impression, and usually over-exaggerated. Sometimes they do it pretty well. If they can get the arms down, they do it well. I really hope these people aren't trying to be slick and not have me see that they are making fun of me, usually it's fairly obvious.

But here's the funny part. Without a doubt, the majority of people I catch smirking and making fun of me are groups of two or three guys, standing by themselves against the wall near the dance floor. This is one reason why I really don't have a problem with it (the other being that I will never see these people again). I'm out there having an awesome time with my friends, and you, creepy guy standing against the wall watching people dance, are gonna make fun of me? Go right ahead. Sometimes I contemplate going up to some of these people and saying something. I think the best line I've crafted in my head is "I saw you copying my moves out there. It was pretty close, just don't move your arms quite so much. You can work on it tonight when you go home by yourself." But really, there's no reason to be mean. These guys have done nothing to me, so I'll let them be, and keep rockin out the only way I know how.

Sidenote: The best impression I've seen of my dancing is done by Mr. Braswell. He gets the face, the arms, and the feet pretty much spot on. Kudos to you, sir.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Noisemakers of TCW

Perhaps ironically, the noisiest, most social place at the University of Richmond School of Law is actually supposed to be a "quiet area." Quiet please signs sit on the tables, and signs are posted on the walls. But the warnings seem to fall on deaf ears for the students. I speak of course of the corridor of tables in the law library between the main lobby-type area and the carrels.

Students learn quickly that if they want a quiet place to study that isn't their carrel, these tables are not the place to do that. People come out of class, perhaps head towards their carrels, see some friends, chat for a minute, then decide to stay and study for a while. And by study, I mean talk some more.

But don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I think it's cool to be able to say hi to people at the tables. I don't think it's a place to be super loud, but I don't see hwy it has to be super-duper quiet either. But there is one thing that really does bothersome about the area. I guess it can't be avoided, but that doesn't mean it can't bother people.

When someone walks by, and you are at a table, it is virtually impossible not to look up and see who it is. As a result, your attention is taken off your books for a second, and add on 3 more seconds to figure out where you were. The time adds up. There is something about that hall. Not only are noises amplified, but everyone walking through there seems to exhibit at least one of the following:
-wearing heels
-wearing flip flops
-pockets full of change and keys
-chewing gum
-massive backpacks with keychains
-rollie backpacks (don't get me started...)
-cell phone talkers
-walking with their legs too close together so that their jeans rub together every step (seriously, you would be surprised how loud this can get)
And of course, Megan's personal pet peeve,
-the constant snifflers

We must not be near a stable, because I'm not gonna get up on my high horse about this. I am guilty of several of these things, most notably gum chewing and flip flop wearing. It really can be amusing to people watch and notice that, well, everyone does something. Even if you don't think you do, you do. To the person who can walk down that hall, when at least 10 people are at those tables, and not have 1 person look up at them, I will award 200 awesome points.

Workee workee busy busy!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Twitter Spammers

Over the last 18 months or so, Twitter has become a powerful player in the realm of social-networking/time-wasting websites out there. For those unfamiliar, people can go on and post a message of 140 characters or less, and that message will show up on the home page of anyone who is "following" them. Messages can be what you did that day, what you are currently doing, a video you found, a quote, really anything you want.

Since joining Twitter, one thing that seems strange is the presence of spammers. These people follow as many random people as possible. Not random people like celebrities. Just random people they do not even know. I can't really wrap my head around this. Why would random dude across the country want to be told that I "just took a chance on those expired fig newtons..." I don't even always want to know when my actual friends eat recently expired food. So here's two possible explanations.

1) They want to feel like they have a lot of friends. This is entirely likely. I think once you get to a certain point, the more people you follow on twitter has a negative correlation with the number of people you actually know.

2) They think that because they follow lots of people, some of those people will follow them. This has a little bit of sense I suppose, but experience shows me its not likely. Whenever someone new follows me on Twitter, i get an email about it which shows how many people they follow, and how many people follow THEM. Listen, Mr. Spammer, when you are following 39,701 people, and you have 8 followers, I don't think your plan is working.

At any rate, I don't see the point of Twitter spamming. Maybe there is something I am missing, I dunno. Welcome back to Richmond everyone, and good luck with the first day.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The First Weight Room

Tonight's shout out goes to my awesome legal research professor, for (1) reading my blog, and (2) revealing that fact to me in a very cool way.

Assuming the aliens defeat the TrashBerg Monster (see my May 22nd post for more on that) there will probably be many things about our species which will mystify them. One of them will no doubt be the concept of a weight room. While it may seem a normal part of our culture today, weight rooms essentially boil down to this: people pay good money to go pick up heavy things. Repeatedly. And look at themselves in giant mirrors on the wall while doing so.

I don't know how or when the first weight room was created, but I imagine it to be something like this. Barnibus was a sheep farmer. He spent the days roaming the fields and tending to his flock. One spring day, Barnibus stumbled across the greenest patch of field in all the land, only to find it's entrance being blocked by a large rock and a small rock. He moved the small rock, but his sheep were unable to fit. He could not move the big rock, for he was too weak. From that moment, Barnibus knew he would have to get stronger, but he had no access to heavy things.

That very night, Barnibus summoned DeVon (no relation), the local blacksmith's apprentice, who was also his twin brother. He requested that DeVon make him a set of metal objects, each increasing in size and weight, that he could pick up repeatedly to get stronger. DeVon said "Brah, are you crazy? That is a ridiculous idea. I use this metal to make USEFUL things. You know, swords, axes, guillotines, everyday stuff like that. You want me to make you some heavy stuff to pick up. How about you come over to me and Ruth's place and pick up our kid for a while. That ought to do it."

After several more hours of ranting, DeVon eventually came around "You know, the boss really has been making me mad recently. He goes on and on about some sort of flying device. Like that will ever happen...anyway, I've been looking for a good way to get fired. I'd really like to get into law. This should do the trick. I'm in! Gucci!" Barnibus stared blankly, until DeVon explained what Gucci was. And so it goes that DeVon used 10 week's worth of iron ore to construct a set of weights for Barnibus.

One night, Barnibus dropped by the blacksmith's shop to check on the progress of his weights, only to find DeVon kissing Barnibus' wife, Yolanda. Infuriated he threw Yolanda out on the curb, grabbed a sword, and prepared to take it to DeVon. After DeVon begged for forgiveness, Barnibus said "Fine. But as punishment, when I lift my weights, you will stand 8 feet in front of me and mimic my every move, so that I may see what I look like. When I lift extremely heavy things, you will stand over me and make sure that I do not drop them on my face. You will do this until I am able to move that rock out of the way. Then I shall kill you."

And thus, the first weight room was created.

Happy Birthday to everyone who had birthday's this week, especially Susie and Cate. You guys are awesome.