Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Animals, Adjectives, and Adverbs

If animals knew what was going on in the human world, some of them would be pissed. I'm not talking about animal cruelty or anything like that. No, I'm talking about something else - animals used as negative adjectives and adverbs.

When your hands are cold, sweaty, and pretty gross to touch, we say they are "clammy." Do you think clams are happy about this? I mean, what have clams ever done to us? They are peaceful creatures - all they do is chill in the ocean until maybe one day they show up in some seafood fry bucket in North Carolina for some happy tourists to gobble up. For all we know, clams could be friendly. But we've gone ahead and assumed that they aren't, slapping them with negativity faster than a D-hall dinner table does to anyone who says something questionable.

Sticking with the ocean-animals theme, why are suspicious things "fishy?" Who is responsible for that? I don't see fish and think that they are up to no good and plotting some scheme to bring us all down. Wait a second...come to think of it, they are giving safe harbor and protection to the TrashBerg Monster, who will in turn destroy us all...alright new evidence has emerged. I'll get back to you on "fishy."

Sloth. Alright, sure these guys aren't showy. They don't scurry around the forest with blazing speed. Some say slow, I say they take their time and enjoy the scenery. But do they really deserve to share their name with one of the 7 deadly sins? That is harsh. Sloths are really upset about this. In fact, they are so jealous of other animals whose names aren't associated with deadly sins, that they are green with envy.



All I'm saying is, what have these animals ever done to us? Why do we degrade them so. We did it with fish, and if they weren't suspicious before, they certainly are now in plotting their revenge. The idea of a sloth and clam army rising up against us doesn't exactly thrill me either. So let's show some respect to our animal friends. Next time someone has cold, sweaty hands, just be real and say they are "cold and sweaty" More syllables? Yes. Worth it in the end? Time will tell...

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