GoogleFuture.

We often reminisce back to our childhood or past by saying "hey, remember when ______" and then fill in the blank with some culutral reference. of the past. It can be "Hey, remember when gas was less than a dollar?" Or "Hey, remember when Ross and Rachel were on a break?" slight derivation from the original form is allowed, like "Hey remember VCRs?"

Often these phrases can say a lot about the present. Like "Hey, remember when Google was just a search engine?" Google these days is, of course, sooo much more. It puts the "fun" in "function." There's Gmail, Google Reader, Google Scholar, Google Earth (oh do not get me started on Google Earth...) Google Books, Google Calendar, Google Shopping, i could go on and on. Oh, and my personal favorite would have to be Google Trends, which lets you type in search terms and see what cities have been searching for that term the most. Example: I'd stay away from Richardson, Texas. No US city searched the term "swine flu" more.

When you go to www.google.com, some of the functions are listed at the top. Then there's a "more" link. click on this, and you;ll get a drop down bar with about a dozen MORE apps/functions. Then there's a "even more" link. Click on this, and it takes you to a page listing about 50 functions. You still won't find all of Google's functions here. When you have a more, and an even more link, and that STILL doesn't cut it, things are getting a little ridiculous.

I am sure this post will shoot up some red flags over at GoogleSpy. That's right, I'm on to you. Of course the general public can't know GoogleSpy exists, but I've caught on. Anyway, I mean no threat. Instead, I'd like to offer a few ideas for new Google functions! Full disclosure: some of these might exist already. It is hard to say.

Google Microwave. Point your laptop at a bag of popcorn, go to the Google Microwave page, and it will send microwaves through your webcam to the popcorn bag. This technology is dangerous...but delicious.

Google Superiority. If you type in any good thing about another search engine, it will give you 10 reasons why Google is better. If you type in any good thing about Google, it will agree wholeheartedly.

Google Curfew - Equipped with a motion detector, Google Curfew monitors and logs what time your children arrive home. If they arrive past their curfew, it will disable their facebook, twitter, Gchat, and AIM accounts. Virtual grounding!

Google Spading - Input footnotes, Google will give you citations. Then it will proceed to send a strongly worded email to the author of ridiculously incomplete footnotes.

Google Dispute Resolution. GDR is the new ADR. Two parties tell their side of the story, and google solves the problem, divides up any property, even convinces children that it's not their fault.


The possibilities are endless. Of course, this brings us back to a constant problem. While technology is nice, there comes a point where to make something convenient our computers and technology need to "think" At which point, they will destroy us all and inherit the world. I am firmly AGAINST this idea, for two main reasons. 1) it would mean I would get destroyed. Not comforting. 2) It would severely weaken the credibility of my plot for "Wasted Planet." Humans are supposed to be destroyed by the TrashBerg monster, not google.

So here's the deal, Google. Most of your apps are awesome. But let's not get carried away here and do something we will all regret later. Google Robot is not an option.

Of course, I will likely not be listened to. For more, please see my forthcoming post on how to survive if Google Robots take over the world.