The First Weight Room

Tonight's shout out goes to my awesome legal research professor, for (1) reading my blog, and (2) revealing that fact to me in a very cool way.

Assuming the aliens defeat the TrashBerg Monster (see my May 22nd post for more on that) there will probably be many things about our species which will mystify them. One of them will no doubt be the concept of a weight room. While it may seem a normal part of our culture today, weight rooms essentially boil down to this: people pay good money to go pick up heavy things. Repeatedly. And look at themselves in giant mirrors on the wall while doing so.

I don't know how or when the first weight room was created, but I imagine it to be something like this. Barnibus was a sheep farmer. He spent the days roaming the fields and tending to his flock. One spring day, Barnibus stumbled across the greenest patch of field in all the land, only to find it's entrance being blocked by a large rock and a small rock. He moved the small rock, but his sheep were unable to fit. He could not move the big rock, for he was too weak. From that moment, Barnibus knew he would have to get stronger, but he had no access to heavy things.

That very night, Barnibus summoned DeVon (no relation), the local blacksmith's apprentice, who was also his twin brother. He requested that DeVon make him a set of metal objects, each increasing in size and weight, that he could pick up repeatedly to get stronger. DeVon said "Brah, are you crazy? That is a ridiculous idea. I use this metal to make USEFUL things. You know, swords, axes, guillotines, everyday stuff like that. You want me to make you some heavy stuff to pick up. How about you come over to me and Ruth's place and pick up our kid for a while. That ought to do it."

After several more hours of ranting, DeVon eventually came around "You know, the boss really has been making me mad recently. He goes on and on about some sort of flying device. Like that will ever happen...anyway, I've been looking for a good way to get fired. I'd really like to get into law. This should do the trick. I'm in! Gucci!" Barnibus stared blankly, until DeVon explained what Gucci was. And so it goes that DeVon used 10 week's worth of iron ore to construct a set of weights for Barnibus.

One night, Barnibus dropped by the blacksmith's shop to check on the progress of his weights, only to find DeVon kissing Barnibus' wife, Yolanda. Infuriated he threw Yolanda out on the curb, grabbed a sword, and prepared to take it to DeVon. After DeVon begged for forgiveness, Barnibus said "Fine. But as punishment, when I lift my weights, you will stand 8 feet in front of me and mimic my every move, so that I may see what I look like. When I lift extremely heavy things, you will stand over me and make sure that I do not drop them on my face. You will do this until I am able to move that rock out of the way. Then I shall kill you."

And thus, the first weight room was created.

Happy Birthday to everyone who had birthday's this week, especially Susie and Cate. You guys are awesome.