Monday, September 28, 2009

Stupid Criminals

There are a lot of stupid criminal stories out there. You know, a guy robs a 7-11 and demands some cigarettes too, the clerk says he doesn't look 18 and asks for ID,the guy gives it to him, and then when he leaves, the clerk calls the cops and gives them the guys info. My personal favorite was the guy who tried to kill his girlfriend by putting her in the trunk of his car, parking it on some train tracks, and getting out and running away as the train approached. The train hit the car and sent it flying. The car landed on the guy as he was running away, killing him. The girl in the trunk survived.

The common theme here is always the "getting away with it." These people have a plan, and even if most of it gets carried out correctly, they can't get away with it. These two guys didn't even follow through all the way. Others go through with the act, but then are tracked down by the police when someone finds the body.

A lot of the time, this happens quicker than the culprit comprehended. Maybe it's because they are not creative. And so I present 3 ways to get a head start before someone finds the body.

PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL, AND ONLY MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS. I HAVE NOT DONE, NOR DO I ENDORSE, ANY OF THESE.

1: If you lack a good place to put the body, just go to a college campus, put them in a swimsuit, and lay them out on the grass on the first really sunny day in the spring. People will just think they are sunbathing, and won't bother them until around 7 or 730. best case scenario, by the time the sun goes down, people will just think they are drunk and passed out.

2: Three words: Civil War Reenactment. It's amazing to me that more people don't actually get killed in these things. I guess people who do reenactments don't get involved in mafia wars or any situation where someone would want to get them. if you went after someone, and got them at the beginning of a reenactment, it would be hours before the thing ended and anyone would figure out what had happened. And eyewitnesses? "What was he wearing?" "uh...gray." Great, that narrows it down to half of the people here.

3: Paint them entirely silver, and put them on a street corner. People will think, "man that mime is lazy, but really good!" Note: as tempting as it may be to put out a hat or a guitar case, then return and collect any money people have given him, you should not. Do not do this. Never return to the scene of the crime.

For those who question my commitment to Blawegsome: If in the future, a body is found in one of these situations, and for any reason I am a suspect, this post will surely be damning evidence. Because I have no intentions of ever doing that, it's a risk I am willing to take.

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