Though we may not realize it, we Americans are pretty susceptible to brainwash. Hollywood and the entire industry do not exist, as the name might suggest, to "entertain," but rather to spoon-feed us whatever ideas they want. But I must say, it has been nice to see one of their schemes being upstaged by science and the facts.
I speak, of course, of the idea that dolphins are cute, smart and generally awesome creatures. Well someone grab a bucket, because I'm about to drop some knowledge. Dolphins are PUNKS. The media tells us they're beautiful and amazing creatures. Ever seen Flipper? (By the way: an animal that acts almost human-like and helps people in trouble? Real original guys. Ever heard of Lassie?) Or heard a report on how dolphins are almost as intelligent as humans? Well, as it turns out, Dolphins share another quality with humans besides intelligence, one of the most basic of all human characteristics: Irrational violence.
Marine biologists in Moss Landing, California were initially stunned and puzzled by the number of dead porpoises turning up with broken bones, rake marks, and internal bleeding. Well, they've finally cracked the case and identified the culprit: DOLPHINS. These dolphins are travelling around in groups and beating porpoises to death. I'm not talking 1 or 2 here. 74 porpoises turned up on CA beaches last year. With video footage of an attack, the scientists don't doubt that dolphins are the killers here. But they still haven't figured out why. The best they've come up with is sexual frustration. Well, let's run through some other ideas.
1. Dolphins are racists. Dolphins and porpoises are both mammals, but can generally be distinguished by external physical characteristics. Humans have a long history of fearing what is different. Why not dolphins? Dolphins are jerks who kill porpoises because they have a different nose, or can't make sounds.
2. There is a major shake-up in the underwater hierarchy pending. Dolphins are ganging up and preying upon weaker porpoises. People who do this generally feel threatened and act in desperation. It's quite possible that a major power-shift is in order. The Dolphins know it, and they are panicking, trying to hold onto authority as it slips away. But where or who is it slipping away to? 2 words: TrashBerg. Monster. That's right, he's real, growing, and showing his ability to kill fish much more than either dolphins or porpoises. The new King of the Sea is gonna turn these pathetic dolphins into Chickens of the Sea. Laugh if you must, but I wouldn't get on his bad side if I were you. I'm just saying.
Either way, here's a PSA, a Porpoise Saving Announcement. Dolphins: You aren't fooling anyone. News is out that you are a bunch of punks. Word will spread, and no one will buy those clicks and squeaks as cute anymore. They will see you for who you really are: losers. So just knock it off with the ganging up and mercilessly beating porpoises. You aren't making any friends. And soon enough, you're going to need as many as you can get.
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