It's April Fool's Day, and I'll admit it - I had no idea what to expect when I rolled out of bed this morning. But I never expected a gem like this to fall into my lap.
http://crave.cnet.co.uk/gadgets/0,39029552,49305387,00.htm
A man named Eloi Cole was arrested at the Large Hadron Collider. Mr. Cole was claiming to be the LHC Saboteur, a man from the future and traveling back in time to keep the LHC from succeeding in finding the Higgs Boson particle.
The details of this article are hysterical. Some highlights:
"Cole was attempting to disrupt [the Collider] by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment's vending machines."
"He explained that he was looking for fuel for his 'time machine power unit', a device that resembled a kitchen blender."
"Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. 'Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening.'"
"Mr Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered."
Ok, so the question of the day IS: what do we make of this guy? Let's analyze.
Option #1: Mr. Cole planned an April Fool's Prank aimed at raising awareness for the LHC Saboteur Theory.
Basically, the idea here is that Cole knew exactly what he was doing. He planned on getting caught while looking ridiculous and making ridiculous statements so that he would get in the news. April Fool's Day just adds more reason to do it.
Option #2: Mr. Cole is actually insane.
If the details of the article are accurate, this may be a fairly likely option. But if so, is anyone else disturbed by the facts that 1) he disappeared from his holding sell at the mental health facility, and 2) NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE? Is this how the Swiss treat all of their mental health patients?
Option #3: Mr. Cole IS the time-traveling LHC Saboteur.
This may seem ridiculous at first, but allow me to explain.
When I first saw the news, I discounted this option immediately on principle. No one with time traveling abilities should ever be caught in the past. Ever. Especially not someone who holds the fate of mankind in the palm of their hands.
However, if Back to the Future has taught us anything, it's that 1) time machines from the future run on garbage, 2) you do need to stop and refill, sometimes in the past, and 3) where we're going we don't need roads. Number 3 isn't really relevant, I just wanted to throw it in there. But Cole was found "rooting around in bins," and claimed he was searching for fuel for his time machine power source. What's kept in bins? Garbage.
We turn next to Cole's statement about the future, specifically that there are KitKats for everyone and it is a communist chocolate hellhole.
If there is one chocolate bar I would expect to thrive over a long period of time, it's KitKat. As the late great Mitch Hedberg pointed out, they imprint "KitKat" on the bar. This robs the customer of chocolate, and cuts cost for the producer, enabling long-term profits. Additionally, in a communist system, having a chocolate bar that is easily broken and shared among the community would be crucial. I'll refrain from making any political statements. All I'm saying is that if the future world is as Cole describes, I would not be shocked at all to see KitKat as the dominant chocolate bar.
Finally, if Cole was in fact the LHC Saboteur, wouldn't this be real trouble now that he was caught? It would have been...if the authorities had been able to hold on to him. But Cole escaped from his cell, and possibly from 2010. Suppose this was all an act. Something to cause a lot of jokes and mockery to be associated with the LHC Saboteur theory. People would not be as concerned about the possibility of a saboteur, and he could go about his business with less fear of preventative measures being taken. Perhaps this was Cole's plan all along...
Is it probable? Not really. Is it a possibility? I'm goin with yes.
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