Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Internet is Down Email? Really?

Today I was sitting in my carrel when I noticed the Internet was no longer working. If you use outlook, you know "all folders are up to date" changes to "this folder was last updated at..." About 45 minutes later the Internet was working again. I then received an email, sent some time ago that informed me the Internet was out. About an hour later, I got another email telling me the Internet was back up.

I gotta question this system. When the Internet is down, what is the purpose of sending an email that says that? By the time anyone gets it, the Internet will be back up. People who will get it right away are off campus, and thus not using the campus Internet. Also, I don't need an email that says the Internet is back up. That was accomplished by my receiving the first email. It's about as useful as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.

Here's what I propose. When the Internet goes down, send an email that says "The Internet has been restored. Sorry about that." People will get it when the Internet comes back on. People off campus will be like "Oh. I guess the Internet over there was down. Sucks for them." No one is harmed by this scenario.

Shout out to everyone who came out to ball tonight. Good times and some much needed time outside.

Friday, April 24, 2009

The Punisher's Survival Guide

I came across a recent publication written by someone we all know and love - The Punisher. The Punisher is a man of the people, always looking to help out a friend in need. And so despite his busy finals schedule, he recently developed "The Punisher's Survival Handbook: How To Get Out Of Sticky Situations Like A BAMF." It offers step by step instructions for various situations. Follow them, and you will not only escape from your predicament, but maintain maximum awesome points in doing so.

Here's a few excerpts from The Punisher's Survival Handbook

Scenario: You are lost in the woods, on the brink of starvation
The Punisher says
1. Find an animal
2. Kill it and eat it
3. Keep walking until you get out of the woods

Scenario: You are underwater, in danger of drowning
The Punisher says:
1. Swim Up

Scenario: You break a leg on top of a mountain
The Punisher says:
1. Cut off the bad leg
2. Grow a new leg
3. Walk down the mountain.

Scenario: You are thrown out of a plane at 20,000 feet
The Punisher says:
1. Keep falling
2. Land
3. Walk it off

Scenario: You owe a mob boss $100,000. Someone shows you a case with $100,000 cash and a gallon of milk and says "If you drink this, I will give you this money." You are lactose intolerant.
The Punisher says:
1. Roundhouse kick that person
2. Take the money
3. Pay your debt

Scenario: You are choking. Someone will only give you the Heimlich if you aint trickin.
The Punisher says:
1. Get it.
2. Receive the Heimlich, cause it aint trickin if you got it.

Scenario: You are charged with murder and convicted based primarily on circumstantial evidence. You are sentenced to two life sentences in prison.
The Punisher says:
1. Befriend the prison's main suppler
2. Ask for a rock hammer and a poster
3. Assist the warden in tax fraud, wiring money to a straw man on the outside
4. Dig a tunnel out of your jail cell, covering the hole with posters
5. Sprinkle the dug out concrete around the jail yard
6. Crawl out and through the pipes to freedom
7. Assume the identity of the straw man you created and escape town with all the money.

The full guide offers many more situations, and detailed step-by-step solutions.

Critics are raving about The Punisher's Guide:

"It's everything I ever wanted in a book, and more! I'm so happy!" -Ms. Huer, USATODAY

"I can't complain about this book, and I can usually complain about pretty much anything." -E.D. Bender, Half Empty Glasses Magazine

"Have you seen pictures of my puppy?" -Ms. Malizio, The Washington Post

"I give it 5 stars. You can only get 7. Only time you can get 7 is if I slept with you. So 5 is excellent!" -50 Cent

"I was disappointed, I was hoping for something about how to make it to more flag football games on time, but was left out to dry." -Mr. Woodson, Author of "Where is Orlando?"

"Gucci!" -Mr. Haywood, UNC Alum

"Hey-ooooooooooooo! PAC FRAT Number 1! Go Spiders! Jello! WOOOOO!" -Someone sprinting by strongly resembling Mr. Boykin

"It even had something for what to do if you have to walk through a door and you will die if you duck. I was impressed." -Mr. Hoyle, Tall Man's Magazine

"Sorry, could you repeat the question? I couldn't hear you over my squeaking shoes..." -Mr. Shannon, a firm believer that the Mets will not choke this year...like they did last year...and the year before that...

So get out there and pick up your copy today!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Spider Snuggies?

Athena sent me this story today about a forthcoming development for Snuggies. http://www.cnbc.com/id/30350785?__source=RSS*blog*&par=RSS.

Snuggies will now be available with college logos on them. Because nothing says school spirit like keeping your hands free while wearing a soft warm blanket. In the Snuggie commercial, they show parents out in the stands cheering for their child wearing the Snuggie, so I think that is the idea here. Personally, I think it's a great idea. They're sales should increase a lot. But I have to say my enthusiasm can only go so far.

According to the article, they will be made only for "big sports schools like Michigan, North Carolina, and Texas" Sadly, I can't foresee William and Mary or Richmond being included in such a group.

Some time ago, I would have simply accepted this as the way it has to be and moved on. But I have to say strange things have been happening. Professor Berryhill let us out 40 minutes early from class, instead of his usual practice of keeping us at least 5 minutes over. Ryan "White Lightning" Shannon chased down a runner in a recent softball game. There's no rational explanation of how these things are happening. They just are. Times are changing, and this is America, where we complain and complain until something happens, and if it doesn't we eat a Big Mac. And so while in the past I may have chosen to sit back and be jealous of others with logo'd Snuggies, I say it's time to put democracy into action!

I have contacted All-Star Marketing, the marketers of the Snuggie, and laid out a case for why they should make a Richmond Spiders Snuggie, and implored them to do so. I expect to hear back soon with their answer. More details to come later when I hear back from them (hopefully tomorrow). Stay tuned.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


I am a big fan of conspiracy theories. So when I saw this doozy on CNN today, I was happier than Barney playing laser tag. (Sidenote: Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky! continues to be one of my favorite lines of the series) The link: http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/04/20/ufo.conference/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Apparently a former astronaut has come out and said that there is life out there besides humans. He has been hushed by the US and other governments but did not want to die with this secret. He says "there is really no doubt we are being visited." This guy grew up in Roswell, New Mexico. While most might say that probably hurts his credibility, I'm gonna say it helps it. If I'm gonna listen to someone who says the government is hushing people up, I want it to be someone who has been hushed up their whole life.

This is awesome. I can think of nothing cooler than running into an alien. but I probably shouldn't get my hopes up. I mean, if aliens are going to make contact, they'll probably go to the leaders to do it, right? WRONG! A woman in England met an alien whilst walking her dog. She encountered a man with a "Scandinavian-type accent" who was wearing "flying suit style outfit." She apparently spoke with him for 10 minutes before running home, then seeing a large glowing object rise vertically near some trees.

Personally, I am convinced. The aliens need to come to our planet to gather intelligence, but they don't want to lose the element of surprise. So put yourself in their shoes (if they even wear shoes) - do you go to high ranking officials? No, you go to people who could easily fit the characterization "crazy lady." It maintains the skepticism of the masses while slowly recruiting supporters. That's right, recruiting. When they come to take over, you think that crazy lady is going to side with the government who tried to hush her up and the people who thought she was delusional? I'm thinkin no.

The British government just released archives of over 1,200 reports between 1987 and 1993. That's 1 country. 6 years. Over 1,200 potential recruits. If you think these space-homies don't know EXACTLY what they are doing, you've got another thing comin. As for me, I await my personal encounter, so I can be the first to fist-bump an extra-terrestrial. Assuming they have hands.

The link on the dog-walker: http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/03/22/uk.ufo.sightings/index.html


Fans of the blog know I give shout outs. I believe credit should be given where it is due. But sometimes people need to be taken down a couple notches. And so I present another segment of "Whatever, I Do What I Want."

Tonight's Whatever I Do What I Want Award goes to the NBA ant TNT higher-ups who put together the NBA schedule. When teams don't travel, there is absolutely no reason to give 2 FULL NIGHTS off between games. If Cleveland hosts Detroit on Saturday afternoon, and the next game is in Detroit, why is not until Tuesday night? Ok, TNT, I get that "40 games in 27 nights" is not quite as catchy as "40 games in 40 nights" but no one wants the NBA season to go til the end of June. But apparently slogans are more important. And so with the beginning of the playoffs, I look forward to the last two months of the NBA season.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Shout outs and such

Thunderstorms rollin through. CJ, now would be a good time to run any errands or get anything from your car.

Anyone here at TC-Dub should come out to watch the flag football championships on Friday night. Let's be honest, the free food and beer and wine should be enough to get you out. Our team is in the game, and it should be awesome. The all-star lineup includes
Ryan "White Lightning" Shannon
Jesse "No-Spin Zone" Roche
Orlando "Where is Orlando?" Woodson
Tim "Defensive Intensity" Boykin
Nick "Gay? Fine By Me" Braswell
Alex "Thank God I Don't Have to Slide in this Sport" Racketa
JT "Short...Yardage" Blau

Should be a good time no doubt.

A few shout outs
A shout out to whoever it was who posted the youtube video about the SnugWow in the comments of the last post. Excellent find.

Another shout out to Hornbook for her new facebook group, "How to know if you're a part of the T.C. Williams Class of '11." Hilarious. If you haven't joined yet, you should do so.

A third goes to Richard, for making me laugh for a solid 3 minutes straight at dinner tonight.

More to come tonight.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

The SnugWow

Sometimes wishes come true. Sometimes they do not. I wish I could take credit for this next idea, because it is AMAZING. But I cannot rightfully do so. In a related story, Cate is a genius.

For a while now I have been pushing for the Snuggie and the ShamWow to be marketed together. Both products are amazing and people should have them both. But Cate rocked my world last night with something even better. The SnugWow. Why have both when you can combine the two? A Snuggie made with ShamWows. It's perfect. My Snuggie is amazing, but it cannot clean spills instantly and hold ten times its weight in liquid. My ShamWow blitzes through spills like Brian Urlacher versus an offensive line of bunny rabbits, but alas it cannot keep me warm and comfortable while allowing my hands to not be trapped inside. A product that could do BOTH??!?!?! It better come with an attorney to write my will, so I can die a happy man.

The idea was brought up at a party last night, to which I wore my Snuggie. I wanted to do a little test for the forthcoming Snuggie Bar Crawl. It is a bit long to wear standing up, and I would like it to close around the back. Those should be pretty easy alterations to make. I'm pretty excited. The SnugWow would be especially good for such social events with drinks involved.

Friday, April 17, 2009


Today's shout out goes to Stephen Colbert. This requires a little bit of backstory. In early March, NASA announced that they would let the public name their new space node (basically a new room for the international space station). They set up the voting so people could pick one of 4 suggested names like Serenity or Tranquility, or suggest their own. When Colbert found out about the contest, he went on his show and asked all his followers to vote "Colbert" for the name of the node.

For those who don't know, the Colbert Nation is a force to be reckoned with. Within hours, it was the number 1 other suggestion. When voting ended on March 20th, Colbert led all names with over 230,000 votes. Second place was one of NASA's names with 190,000. A whoopin to say the least. But NASA still reserved the right to name it whatever they wanted.

The wait began. Congressman and celebrities gave their opinions. The final decision was announced on Tuesday night on The Colbert Report. NASA has decided to name the node "Tranquility." It was also announced that the new space-treadmill going up to be in the node will be called the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill, or the COLBERT. This is the patch for the COLBERT. As far as I know, this is official, NASA certified, not a joke.

The Shout Out goes to Colbert for his not being mad and embracing the naming of the treadmill. It was clearly a consolation prize by NASA, but you couldn't tell from Colbert's reaction. As part of the Nation, I'm proud of what we did, but Stephen deserves credit for putting on a good face and happily accepting the treadmill.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Save the Whales...And Money

For tonight's money saving tip, I'll relate the story of my coffee maker. A few of you may have heard this one. I assure you all details are accurate.

Over the summer, while I was in Williamsburg, I received some "junk mail." In said mail was an ad for a subscription coffee service called Gevalia. Gevalia produces high quality gourmet coffee. They send 2 pounds of coffee to a subscriber every month in exchange for a monthly payment of roughly $33. The initial offer, however was for one pound of coffee plus a $99 coffee maker for 14.95. If for any reason you didn't like the coffee, you could cancel any future subscription and keep the coffee AND the coffee maker.

I decided this was a pretty sweet offer. I went online and placed an order. A couple weeks later, my coffee and coffee maker arrived safely. I picked up the phone, called Gevalia, and canceled my subscription. I figured I had just got a pound of good coffee and a sweet coffee maker for $14.95. But the story continues...

A month later I log onto my bank account website and find a $33 dollar charge from Gevalia. Confused, I call their customer service people. I tell a woman there that I have already cancelled my subscription and shouldn't be getting charged. She pulls up my account and says for some reason, the cancellation did not go through. She tells me the $33 charge will be refunded, so I won't have to pay that. Then, she tells me another shipment of coffee is in transit, but don't bother returning it.

Sure enough, the next day two more pounds of coffee arrive at my door, and I get a $33 credit to my account from Gevalia. Unfortunately for me, they got it right the second time.

The final count:
3 pounds of gourmet coffee
1 $99 coffee maker
Amount paid: $14.95

This has been a Tizzle Tip for the Economy

Monday, April 13, 2009

Shout out

A shout out to Dimitri Martin, for his excellent handling of a woman who was talking way too much. Here's how it went down

Woman: "(long story...) my boyfriend just bought skydiving lessons."
Dimitri: "Really?"
Woman: "Yeah!"
Dimitri: "What's your name?"
Woman: "Catherine"
Dimitri: "Oh, is that with a C or a K or a S-H-U-T-U-P?"
Crowd: laughter and applause

It was excellent. And a great show overall.

Celebrity Products

Celebrity endorsements are everywhere. Some are amusing and successful (George Foreman Grills). Others are annoying (if I see one more commercial about Chris Paul's pits...). The fact is having a famous person endorse your product will send sales through the roof. The great part about celebrities is that they also get known for catchphrases. There's a whole market out there waiting to be tapped into. And so another list is born: My future/should be celebrity-endorsed products

-50 Cent's Workout Video: "Get Skinny or Die Tryin'"*
-Ludacris' Leftover-saving Tupperware: "Tonight Damn Right I Might Eat It Again!"
-Allen Iverson's Bar Review Course: "Not a Game...We Talkin' About Practice: A New Lawyer's Guide to Preparing to Practice."
-Rasheed Wallace's Pregnancy Test: "Balls Don't Lie."
-Jeff Probst's Learn-a-language software: "The Tribe Has Spoken: Now Understand Them."
-Professor Berryhill's Beginner's Cookbook: "Is a Pig's Butt Pork?"
-Donald Trump's Hypnosis Tapes: "You're Tired"

I'll try to think of some more good ones. If you've got one, leave a comment!

*just for the record, I don't buy into those ever being two choices a person should have

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Snuggie vs Girlfriend

Preface: I love my girlfriend. She is awesome, and assured me she wouldn't get mad about this post. She even came up with some of them.

I present my top 15 Reasons why my Snuggie is Better Than my Girlfriend

1. My Snuggie accepts me for who I am.
2. My Snuggie doesn't steal the covers, she is the covers.
3. My Snuggie never gives me the cold shoulder, she always keeps me warm.
4. My Snuggie lets me watch Sportscenter without complaining.
5. I don't have to take my Snuggie out to dinner (but I could...).
6. My Snuggie always hugs me, no matter what I say.
7. My Snuggie does what I tell it to.
8. I don't have to call my Snuggie every night.
9. I don't have to tell my Snuggie I love her, she knows without question.
10. My Snuggie never says "fine" when she actually means "no."
11. My Snuggie never asks a question when she is looking for a specific answer.
12. My Snuggie wouldn't get mad if I used another blanket.
13. My Snuggie was made in China.
14. My Snuggie came with a Free reading light.
15. My Snuggie doesn't hate the fact that I own a Snuggie.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Whatever, I Do What I Want Double

It's time for another edition of "Whatever, I Do What I Want!" Tonight is actually a double edition.

The first "Whatever, I Do What I Want" award goes to professional athletes who drink and drive. Really? You make millions of dollars a year and you can't afford to take a cab? or have someone drive you? If I were capable of hate, I could despise someone an awful lot, but if they said "drive me home and I'll give you $250," I'd be behind that wheel like a 15 year old with errands to run. You KNOW you are gonna be in the news if you get caught. And suspensions are gonna cost you a heck of a lot more than a cab ride that's for sure. It amazes me how much this happens and continues to happen.

Which brings me to my second "Whatever, I Do What I Want" award. It goes to my beloved franchise, the Cincinnati Bengals. As a bengals fan I've gone through more than my fair share of dark days in recent years. The Carson Palmer injuries, the Chad Johnson drama, the complete and utter lack of defense, and so on and so on. But I gotta say these guys have to some of the dumbest out there with the trouble they get into off the field. In 2006, nine players were arrested and/or suspended. That happens to be more wins than we had that year. 4 more issues the following season, some involving the same guys.

Ok, obviously, the franchise is in need of some sort of PR miracle. Maybe some time without any incidents. It was looking so good...until today, when one of our cornerbacks got pulled over for DRUNK DRIVING. Leon Hall blew a .149. That's almost twice the legal limit. Way to go. I love the article too: "Hall is the first Bengals player to face criminal charges in nearly a year." Like it's some kind of accomplishment. What you want, a cookie? So tonight my fingers are crossed for my players staying out of jail, and people everywhere to stop driving drunk. Call a cab, homes.

Hodge Podge

Ok, lots to catch up on.

First off, if you're a fan of the Muppets, check this out. It was hands down the best sketch from last week's SNL: http://www.hulu.com/watch/66320/saturday-night-live-muppet-bus

Snuggie update. I've gotten a lot of heat about the fact that I own a Snuggie from one particular individual who at this point shall remain nameless. But haters to the left, cause it's still awesome. I recently slept in my Snuggie for the first time. Lets just say I can toss and turn all I want and i'll still be warm. It's amazing.

To my fellow HIMYM fans, I believe the day I've been waiting for is arriving. They showed a rerun of "The Goat" on Monday, and a new episode is coming this week. Which I am taking to mean the story of the goat will be revealed! Very excited. Also curious to see how they deal with both main actresses being pregnant at the same time. Shouldn't there be some clause in their contract about that? If you watch the last new episode, you'll notice very few full body shots of Robin and Lily spends a lot of time behind a basketball rack or playing a guitar.

Fast approaching is the return of one of my all time favorite shows: Prison Break. For those unfamiliar, the show's premise began as a guy got framed for a murder and was in prison, then his brother cooked up an elaborate plan, got himself put in jail with his brother so he could break them out. After the season 1 finale, where they escape and start to run, I jokingly said "wouldn't it be great if every other season they went back to prison and had to break out again?" Well as it turns out, that's EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. Season 2, they were on the run. Season 3, back in prison. Now in Season 4, they're on the run again. Ridiculous.

I won't even begin to try to describe the intricacies of the plot. I could have a whole blog just about that. But I think it's safe to say that it deserves my 1st annual ridiculous plot twists award. With 5 episodes left, I am sad to see it go. But it is time. Who knew a show called Prison Break, where they broke out of prison in season 1, could go 4 seasons? My hat is off to those writers.

I guess that's it for now. More to come later. My man tees off tomorrow afternoon in the quest for another green jacket. He never really dominates out of the gate at Augusta, so I won't be too worried no matter what happens.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

That Guy 1

House tonight really threw me. At the end of last weeks show, they had a really dramatic preview, saying "Every season there is an episode that goes beyond words. This is that episode" I have been looking forward to it since then, cause they usually don't let me down. And WOW. For those who watch and haven't seen it yet, don't worry I won't give anything away. But it is a shocker.

Tonight I'm going to start something new. I'm going to assemble a cast of characters that I encounter on a regular basis. I guess this is sort of like the Real Men of Genius, but when I actually have the time and motivation to achieve my dream of writing a screenplay, I'll look back on some of these characters and maybe they will make their way in. I call it "Don't be THAT guy"

Tonight's person is that guy at the gym working out and making sure everyone around him knows it. This is not one specific guy - it changes each time. But there is always one guy in there. If you are doing that much breathing and grunting on the treadmill, it's probably too fast. Yup, that was a great last rep you did there. Why don't you celebrate it some more? Oh, and now you're checking your pulse. Without looking at a clock. Magically? This is the guy who always looks pained, whether or not he actually is. You may know him by another name, I-don't-wipe-down-the-machine-after-I've-sweated-all-over-it Guy. Why are they always the same person?
If there is music playing, I have an iPod on, and I can still hear you from a floor up, something is wrong. I've got no problem with people exerting themselves, but try to be a little discreet about it. I don't need to know that you're feeling the burn.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Ninja Parade

And we're back. The brief is turned in, so my apologies for the not so much posting over the weekend. Speaking of, shout out to everyone who went to Barristers Ball. It was a great time. A special shout out to Orlando for that amazing suit. Classy all the way.

I'm a fan of fake news, which is why I like the onion. I am by no means a regualr reader, but i go on from time to time, and they've usually got some funny stuff. I saw this one the other day, which I particuarly enjoyed. The headline was "Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again." This got a small chuckle. But the video for it is amazing. here's the link: http://www.theonion.com/content/video/ninja_parade_slips_through_town

Warning, that video has sound. If you are in class, don't watch it now.

Another post coming up tonight. Be on the lookout.

Friday, April 3, 2009

The Million

It's time for a segment called "Hilarious News Stories From Our Past" Tonight's story dates back to March 2004. In early March, Alice Pike went to Wal-Mart to do some shopping. Quite a bit of shopping actually, she gathered almost $1,700 dollars worth of merchandise. At the register, she attempted to pay with 2 Wal-Mart gift cards, but the cashier informed her that together the cards had a total of $2.32 on them. Looking through her purse she said "all I have is this" and handed the cashier a fake $1,000,000 bill. The cashier called the police, and the woman was arrested.

Ms. Pike said she was given the bill by her estranged husband, and that she THOUGHT IT WAS REAL. Ok, even if I get passed going around an filling up your cart with $1700 worth of stuff when you only have $2.32 in gift cards and a milli burnin' a hole in your purse, was she expecting change? Not a whole lot of people/banks out there can break a million.

I still don't know why you are carrying that around like it's nothing. Wouldn't you think that you would deposit it in the bank? What better way to find out for sure if it's real? Well, that's just what one guy did about 3.5 years later in South Carolina. He tried to open a checking a count with a million dollar bill. The bank employee called the police, and he too was arrested.

Instead of criticizing these people, I'm gonna get behind em. We need a million dollar bill out there. It could simplify real estate transactions. Find a real nice house, make the offer - a million dollars. When it's accepted, BAM. Through down the bill. My next mission would be to get a thousand of them and a large rubber band just to show up V.I.C. "I guess you CAN put a rubber band around a billion."

The million dollar bill, coming soon to a Wal-Mart near you.

Pizzly Bears

Before I forget, a shout out goes to Hornbook for a great line: "I swear slightly more than the average bear." It's probably a had to be there kind of thing, but trust me it was hilarious.

It's official. The brief has taken over my mind. I think the break point was on the ride home from softball today. We were blessed with a classic on the radio, Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" Tim and I began changing the words to arguments and key words from our briefs and singing along with the tune. Funny? Without a doubt. Depressing? Even more so. I swore it would never come to this, but I'm afraid it has. I am sure I'm not alone out there, so to all my fellow sufferers, just a couple more days and we'll be through it!

But enough of that. Tonight I want to make everyone of a threat to our well being. I speak, of course, of the pizzly bear. Not three years ago, a pizzly bear, a grizzly bear/polar bear hybrid, was discovered. Despite what Coke commercials try to have us believe, polar bears are one of the fiercest creatures out there. There are three animals that hunt not for sport. Humans, wolverines, and polar bears. One of the most important advantages we have over them is the fact that they need the ice cold climate of the Arctic to survive.

The existence of the Pizzly bear is disturbing for just that reason. If the ferocity of polar bears were combined with a grizzly bear's ability to survive in temperate climate than we could be in trouble. And by we, I mean Canada. Fortunately for us, little evidence of further bear cross breeding has been uncovered, but my fears are not completely calmed. Clearly, these bears are smarter than we give them credit for. They have taken the steps to eliminate their main weakness. I'm guessing they are breeding up a pizzly bear army in secret, and this one that was discovered was a warning of the fury that will be released.

In Richmond, we should be safe. But if you see any suspicious looking bears, run for cover and call the pizzly bear hotline at 1-800-PIZZLY!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Superhero Among Us

I've been sitting on this information for a while, but after months of gathering evidence I think it's time it was revealed. While most of us look around and see only normal law students, that is not always the case. One of us is actually a SUPERHERO. That's right. Superman, Batman, The Human Torch all have several traits in common in their pursuit of justice and bringing good to the universe. Ladies and gentlemen one of us is in their company. I am speaking, of course, of DeVon. Allow me to explain.

Wikipedia lists the following common traits of super-heroes:

-Extraordinary powers/abilities, relevant skills, and/or advanced equipment. DeVon's dancing skills, comedic stylings, and the face you get when he disapproves of something you do all combine to create the unmatched power of making people smile and laugh. Though they may appear to be normal sunglasses, DeVon's shades are far from ordinary. The wearer's skill at beer pong increases 75% whilst wearing the glasses, and his/her hair will naturally begin to become dreads.

-A strong moral code, including a willingness to risk one's own safety in the service of good without expectation of reward. Once while crossing boatwright drive a car came speeding out of nowhere. At the last second I was shoved out of the way into a bush. Looking up, I saw only a figure running into the darkness towards a silver Chevy Impala. Though he denies knowledge of the incident, I know the truth of what happened that dark and stormy night. And he is, after all, in law school. What better way to dispense justice than with a J.D.?

-A motivation, such as a sense of responsibility. Pure, genuine humor is rare in law school. Blessed with the power to make people laugh, he is responsible for bringing much needed joy into our sometimes dark days. It's a gift...and a curse.

-A secret identity. DeVon's secret identity is Mr. Simmons. This happens when DeVon wears a suit. Mr. Simmons is the hard-working, interview-attending version of DeVon. Though some days we only have Mr. Simmons, DeVon is always out there looking out for us...

-A distinctive costume. If you think DeVon's shoes aren't distinctive than you must have only met Mr. Simmons.

-A supporting cast of recurring characters. I like to count myself in this group. Recurring characters may or may not know of his powers/identity, so if all this is news to you, don't worry, hope remains.

-A number of enemies that he/she fights repeatedly. Enemies include the Bluebook, ConLaw, his mother when she thinks he looks tired and turns of his alarm so he can get more sleep, and country music.

-Independent wealth or an occupation that allows for minimal supervision. DeVon DJs on Tuesday nights. And yet he can often be seen in the library or the DU at the same time. Coincidence? I think not.

-A headquarters or base of operations, usually kept hidden from the general public. I have asked DeVon at least 3 times where he lives. Never before have I met someone so vague with their answers. Oh, and he just happens to live 25-30 minutes away. So it will never be convenient to do anything at his house. Something smells fishy, and I'm goin fishin.

-A backstory that explains the circumstances by which the character acquired his or her abilities as well as his or her motivation for becoming a superhero. Many origin stories involve tragic elements and/or freak accidents that result in the development of the hero's abilities. I'd say growing up in Buffalo is tragic enough. I KNOW being a Bills fan certainly is.

Well, I think the evidence is clear. Even his name is so good there is no need for a cheesy super hero name. His alter-ego is Mr. Simmons, but when he does good, bringing joy and laughter to us all in desperate times, he is...DeVon.