The Punisher's Survival Guide

I came across a recent publication written by someone we all know and love - The Punisher. The Punisher is a man of the people, always looking to help out a friend in need. And so despite his busy finals schedule, he recently developed "The Punisher's Survival Handbook: How To Get Out Of Sticky Situations Like A BAMF." It offers step by step instructions for various situations. Follow them, and you will not only escape from your predicament, but maintain maximum awesome points in doing so.

Here's a few excerpts from The Punisher's Survival Handbook

Scenario: You are lost in the woods, on the brink of starvation
The Punisher says
1. Find an animal
2. Kill it and eat it
3. Keep walking until you get out of the woods

Scenario: You are underwater, in danger of drowning
The Punisher says:
1. Swim Up

Scenario: You break a leg on top of a mountain
The Punisher says:
1. Cut off the bad leg
2. Grow a new leg
3. Walk down the mountain.

Scenario: You are thrown out of a plane at 20,000 feet
The Punisher says:
1. Keep falling
2. Land
3. Walk it off

Scenario: You owe a mob boss $100,000. Someone shows you a case with $100,000 cash and a gallon of milk and says "If you drink this, I will give you this money." You are lactose intolerant.
The Punisher says:
1. Roundhouse kick that person
2. Take the money
3. Pay your debt

Scenario: You are choking. Someone will only give you the Heimlich if you aint trickin.
The Punisher says:
1. Get it.
2. Receive the Heimlich, cause it aint trickin if you got it.

Scenario: You are charged with murder and convicted based primarily on circumstantial evidence. You are sentenced to two life sentences in prison.
The Punisher says:
1. Befriend the prison's main suppler
2. Ask for a rock hammer and a poster
3. Assist the warden in tax fraud, wiring money to a straw man on the outside
4. Dig a tunnel out of your jail cell, covering the hole with posters
5. Sprinkle the dug out concrete around the jail yard
6. Crawl out and through the pipes to freedom
7. Assume the identity of the straw man you created and escape town with all the money.

The full guide offers many more situations, and detailed step-by-step solutions.

Critics are raving about The Punisher's Guide:

"It's everything I ever wanted in a book, and more! I'm so happy!" -Ms. Huer, USATODAY

"I can't complain about this book, and I can usually complain about pretty much anything." -E.D. Bender, Half Empty Glasses Magazine

"Have you seen pictures of my puppy?" -Ms. Malizio, The Washington Post

"I give it 5 stars. You can only get 7. Only time you can get 7 is if I slept with you. So 5 is excellent!" -50 Cent

"I was disappointed, I was hoping for something about how to make it to more flag football games on time, but was left out to dry." -Mr. Woodson, Author of "Where is Orlando?"

"Gucci!" -Mr. Haywood, UNC Alum

"Hey-ooooooooooooo! PAC FRAT Number 1! Go Spiders! Jello! WOOOOO!" -Someone sprinting by strongly resembling Mr. Boykin

"It even had something for what to do if you have to walk through a door and you will die if you duck. I was impressed." -Mr. Hoyle, Tall Man's Magazine

"Sorry, could you repeat the question? I couldn't hear you over my squeaking shoes..." -Mr. Shannon, a firm believer that the Mets will not choke this year...like they did last year...and the year before that...

So get out there and pick up your copy today!