They say a friend applauds your accomplishments, but only a true friend ridicules you for your mistakes.
Ok, "they" don't really say that because I just made it up. Anyway, I must have a lot of true friends, because yesterday I was bombarded with news updates about the Large Hadron Collider. I guess people thought that when they finally got the machine fired up yesterday and the world did not end, this destroyed the LHC Saboteur theory to which I publicly subscribe and promote.
But I'm here to set the record straight.
First of all, any claim that the time-traveling LHC Saboteur was nowhere to be found yesterday is completely false. While some news reports of yesterday's events may gloss over this fact, it remains true that yesterday's testing began with not one but TWO false starts due to "electrical problems." This is exactly the kind of tricks the LHC Saboteur likes to pull.
Second, this is hardly the end. The LHC will run at this speed for a while (3.5 TeV for each photon), until the end of 2011. At this point, they will shut it down for a year, make repairs, so they can try to fire it up again to reach double yesterday's achieved speed.
What it all means is this. The LHC Saboteur is still very much in control. He made his presence known yesterday by causing the two false starts, but eventually just let things go because he knew that this half-speed smashing would be ok. And who are we to argue? He is FROM THE FUTURE. So do the events of yesterday destroy the theory? In a word, no. There is still far more to come my friends.
Of course, things may be bigger than just the LHC Saboteur. Read the reports and you'll see the plan is to run this thing for a year and a half, and then shut it down for a year before getting ready for the full speed run. Let's do the math.
A year and a half would mean a shut down in late 2011.
Which would mean a restart in late 2012.
Hmm...wasn't some other there some other global destruction planned for late 2012?
...
THAT'S RIGHT! The Mayan Calendar pegs December 21st, 2012 as the end of the final Great Cycle of the Earth. The date is to be followed by massive destruction. And so it is now that I launch my plea to the CERN directors:
Ladies and Gentlemen of CERN,
They say there is no such thing as bad press. Your association has been getting some press, in part due to fears about the Large Hadron Collider triggering a global meltdown. But there are still millions of people out there who are unaware of your project. The key to grabbing their attention is really quite simple.
All you have to do is schedule your LHC full speed fire up date for December 21st, 2012.
If I may speak candidly, the talk about the LHC destroying the universe has only scratched the surface. If you want to really get on the map and into the consciousness of people everywhere, the step is simple. I cannot stress enough how much this will put you on the map. The press would have an absolute field day. Think of the protests, the vigils, the building of disaster shelters and the purchases of canned goods that would ensue. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if you think people are talking about your project now, you have no idea of the full potential. That potential will be realized if you simply plan the fire up for December 21st.
As a LHC enthusiast and an admirer of your work, I encourage you to make this happen. It is no doubt in your best interest, and its effect on society will be nothing but extraordinary.
Sincerely,
Your #1 Fan.
classic!
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