Given my somewhat abrupt switch from teaching to Law School, I would not be at all surprised if at some point in the future I end up as a teacher or a professor. Given full control of a classroom, I think there are some things I would do to make things interesting. We've all been in a class where people fall asleep, or don't even bother to show up. Aren't there things that professors could do to keep kids coming back? Glad you asked.
1. In my class, I will have a T-Shirt gun. The kind they have at stadiums. I will adjust the range to fit the size of my lecture hall. First day, 3 kids will get t-shirts. The front will say "I attended Professor Blau's lecture and all I got was this lousy T-shirt..." and on the back it will say "...AND KNOWLEDGE!" (Special thanks to my awesome legal research professor for that one.) I sit front row center, so the kid who sits there will definitely get one. He'll have to have good hands, cause I'll be using the T-shirt gun from short range.
As the class goes on and word gets around about my T-shirt gun, I will find different things to fire out. Miniature candy bars. If things get too out of hand, then it will be cheetos. Not bags of cheetos...unwrapped, orange powder covered cheetos. Will it be a mess? Yes. Will a few laptops get ruined? Sure. An unforgettable experience for all involved? Definitely.
On exam day, the gun will be used to distribute exams. The risk of paper cuts is slightly elevated, but I think it will be worth it.
2. I will open and close every class with a clip from "Scrubs" by the time I am a professor, I guess this will be one of those old shows that none of my students will have seen except for reruns. I will laugh hysterically, and they will laugh out of pity for me...
3. Hamster breaks. During the class, I will bring my 10 hamsters, put them each in a ball, and set them loose. If you get called on, and don't know the answer. Rather than try to BS something and waste every one's time, just take a "hamster break." This is where you don't answer the question. Instead, you just grab a ball, go outside, and play with the hamster for 5 minutes. Class continues without you.
4. I will distribute to students some "software" to install on their computers for use during class. This will be a cover up. What they are actually installing on their computers is a device that will beep obnoxiously loudly if they go on any social networking site. (Note: I would say facebook and the such, but who knows what we will have in the future?) The best part about this is that it will happen more than once. There will undoubtedly be other people who skipped the class that day. When they do show up, they are pretty likely to hit up one of these sites. Embarrassing for a few, but that's just part of the fun, right?
Just a couple ideas. I'll post more if any brilliant ones come to me. I think after a couple years, I might be able to convince someone that the "T" actually stands for "T-Shirt Gun..."
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Stupid Criminals
There are a lot of stupid criminal stories out there. You know, a guy robs a 7-11 and demands some cigarettes too, the clerk says he doesn't look 18 and asks for ID,the guy gives it to him, and then when he leaves, the clerk calls the cops and gives them the guys info. My personal favorite was the guy who tried to kill his girlfriend by putting her in the trunk of his car, parking it on some train tracks, and getting out and running away as the train approached. The train hit the car and sent it flying. The car landed on the guy as he was running away, killing him. The girl in the trunk survived.
The common theme here is always the "getting away with it." These people have a plan, and even if most of it gets carried out correctly, they can't get away with it. These two guys didn't even follow through all the way. Others go through with the act, but then are tracked down by the police when someone finds the body.
A lot of the time, this happens quicker than the culprit comprehended. Maybe it's because they are not creative. And so I present 3 ways to get a head start before someone finds the body.
PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL, AND ONLY MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS. I HAVE NOT DONE, NOR DO I ENDORSE, ANY OF THESE.
1: If you lack a good place to put the body, just go to a college campus, put them in a swimsuit, and lay them out on the grass on the first really sunny day in the spring. People will just think they are sunbathing, and won't bother them until around 7 or 730. best case scenario, by the time the sun goes down, people will just think they are drunk and passed out.
2: Three words: Civil War Reenactment. It's amazing to me that more people don't actually get killed in these things. I guess people who do reenactments don't get involved in mafia wars or any situation where someone would want to get them. if you went after someone, and got them at the beginning of a reenactment, it would be hours before the thing ended and anyone would figure out what had happened. And eyewitnesses? "What was he wearing?" "uh...gray." Great, that narrows it down to half of the people here.
3: Paint them entirely silver, and put them on a street corner. People will think, "man that mime is lazy, but really good!" Note: as tempting as it may be to put out a hat or a guitar case, then return and collect any money people have given him, you should not. Do not do this. Never return to the scene of the crime.
For those who question my commitment to Blawegsome: If in the future, a body is found in one of these situations, and for any reason I am a suspect, this post will surely be damning evidence. Because I have no intentions of ever doing that, it's a risk I am willing to take.
The common theme here is always the "getting away with it." These people have a plan, and even if most of it gets carried out correctly, they can't get away with it. These two guys didn't even follow through all the way. Others go through with the act, but then are tracked down by the police when someone finds the body.
A lot of the time, this happens quicker than the culprit comprehended. Maybe it's because they are not creative. And so I present 3 ways to get a head start before someone finds the body.
PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL, AND ONLY MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS. I HAVE NOT DONE, NOR DO I ENDORSE, ANY OF THESE.
1: If you lack a good place to put the body, just go to a college campus, put them in a swimsuit, and lay them out on the grass on the first really sunny day in the spring. People will just think they are sunbathing, and won't bother them until around 7 or 730. best case scenario, by the time the sun goes down, people will just think they are drunk and passed out.
2: Three words: Civil War Reenactment. It's amazing to me that more people don't actually get killed in these things. I guess people who do reenactments don't get involved in mafia wars or any situation where someone would want to get them. if you went after someone, and got them at the beginning of a reenactment, it would be hours before the thing ended and anyone would figure out what had happened. And eyewitnesses? "What was he wearing?" "uh...gray." Great, that narrows it down to half of the people here.
3: Paint them entirely silver, and put them on a street corner. People will think, "man that mime is lazy, but really good!" Note: as tempting as it may be to put out a hat or a guitar case, then return and collect any money people have given him, you should not. Do not do this. Never return to the scene of the crime.
For those who question my commitment to Blawegsome: If in the future, a body is found in one of these situations, and for any reason I am a suspect, this post will surely be damning evidence. Because I have no intentions of ever doing that, it's a risk I am willing to take.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
You have the right to watch me pick up this spare!
Yes, it's time for another edition of "Whatever, I Do What I Want!" Today's WIDWIW award goes to the Polk County police department. On a recent drug bust, the investigation team busted into a drug dealer's house to make an arrest. Apparently they were overstaffed for the job, so while some of the officers made the arrest, searched the home (you know, official stuff) some of the others found a Wii. And started playing. That's right, within 20 minutes of entering the house, the force had a game of Wii Bowling going. While some were hauling out evidence, others were playing this guy's Wii! There was a security camera watching them the whole time.
Wow. I think on behalf of police officers everywhere who have fought for years to get past the fat-stupid-cop-stereotype I just want to say thanks, Polk County officers. Cause nothing screams professionalism and demands respect like playing video games. On the job. At a suspects house. And it's his Wii. Oh, and it wasn't just extra people filling time. According to an article, "A Polk County sheriff's detective cataloging evidence repeatedly put down her work and picked up a Wii remote to bowl. When she hit two strikes in a row, she raised her arms above her head, jumping and kicking." Really???
Best of all has got to be the quote from Auburndale Police Chief Nolan McLeod "Certainly this was a case of bad judgment." Yeah. I think that's putting it lightly.
Here's an article for more: http://www2.tbo.com/content/2009/sep/21/undercover-drug-investigators-embarrass-polk-sheri/
Thanks to my friend Liesl for this gem.
Wow. I think on behalf of police officers everywhere who have fought for years to get past the fat-stupid-cop-stereotype I just want to say thanks, Polk County officers. Cause nothing screams professionalism and demands respect like playing video games. On the job. At a suspects house. And it's his Wii. Oh, and it wasn't just extra people filling time. According to an article, "A Polk County sheriff's detective cataloging evidence repeatedly put down her work and picked up a Wii remote to bowl. When she hit two strikes in a row, she raised her arms above her head, jumping and kicking." Really???
Best of all has got to be the quote from Auburndale Police Chief Nolan McLeod "Certainly this was a case of bad judgment." Yeah. I think that's putting it lightly.
Here's an article for more: http://www2.tbo.com/content/2009/sep/21/undercover-drug-investigators-embarrass-polk-sheri/
Thanks to my friend Liesl for this gem.
Fines
In the world of sports, and the real world I suppose, you get fined for doing bad things. Saying bad things about refs, not reporting a players injury, throwing tantrums, you name it. But the fines across the world of sports are inconsistent. Allow me to use two recent events to demonstrate.
In a US Open semi-final match between Kim Clijsters and Serena Williams, Serena was down a set and serving at 5-6 in the second, 15-30. After being called for a second serve foot fault, her blood began to boil. After a calm 10 seconds or so, Mount Serena swiftly walked towards the line judge who made the called and began pointing and yelling. Loudly. With obscenities. The line judge ran to the chair umpire, and, Serena came over along with some officials. Serena was shocked to hear that the line judge thought Serena was going to kill her. I mean, all Serena said was that she would stuff a tennis ball down her f*****g throat. And she got kill from that? (Incidentally, if you WERE to survive treatment like that, I imagine you would have a terrible scratchy throat from all those little yellow fuzz pieces).
This blow up earned Serena a $10,000 fine. I have no idea who receives that money or what it goes towards.
Moving ahead, recently Floyd "Step your game up!" Mayweather fought Mexican fighter Juan Manuel Marquez. The stipulated weight of each fighter was to be 144 pounds. The day before the fight, Pretty Boy Floyd tipped the scales at 146. He got fined $600,000. And that money went straight to Marquez.
And here's the problem. Is Serena going to miss that 10 grand a lot? Doubt it. Is any of that money going to that line judge for emotional scarring? Doubt it. I imagine it will go straight to some giant WTA slush fund and we'll never actually know what it gets used for. More importantly, will Serena restrain herself next blow up? maybe. if she does, it will only be done for public image. It's not about the money.
Personally, I like boxing system better. 600 grand!?!?! And it goes straight to the pockets of your opponent?!?! I'd bet a good chunk of change that Mayweather hits his weight right on the money next fight, or even a pound or 2 light. Now don't feel too bad for Floyd. He won the fight and walked away with about 10 million reasons to be ok with it all.
As for the lack of posting, moot court is controlling my life right now. Talk to him about it. Or see my last post. Much love.
In a US Open semi-final match between Kim Clijsters and Serena Williams, Serena was down a set and serving at 5-6 in the second, 15-30. After being called for a second serve foot fault, her blood began to boil. After a calm 10 seconds or so, Mount Serena swiftly walked towards the line judge who made the called and began pointing and yelling. Loudly. With obscenities. The line judge ran to the chair umpire, and, Serena came over along with some officials. Serena was shocked to hear that the line judge thought Serena was going to kill her. I mean, all Serena said was that she would stuff a tennis ball down her f*****g throat. And she got kill from that? (Incidentally, if you WERE to survive treatment like that, I imagine you would have a terrible scratchy throat from all those little yellow fuzz pieces).
This blow up earned Serena a $10,000 fine. I have no idea who receives that money or what it goes towards.
Moving ahead, recently Floyd "Step your game up!" Mayweather fought Mexican fighter Juan Manuel Marquez. The stipulated weight of each fighter was to be 144 pounds. The day before the fight, Pretty Boy Floyd tipped the scales at 146. He got fined $600,000. And that money went straight to Marquez.
And here's the problem. Is Serena going to miss that 10 grand a lot? Doubt it. Is any of that money going to that line judge for emotional scarring? Doubt it. I imagine it will go straight to some giant WTA slush fund and we'll never actually know what it gets used for. More importantly, will Serena restrain herself next blow up? maybe. if she does, it will only be done for public image. It's not about the money.
Personally, I like boxing system better. 600 grand!?!?! And it goes straight to the pockets of your opponent?!?! I'd bet a good chunk of change that Mayweather hits his weight right on the money next fight, or even a pound or 2 light. Now don't feel too bad for Floyd. He won the fight and walked away with about 10 million reasons to be ok with it all.
As for the lack of posting, moot court is controlling my life right now. Talk to him about it. Or see my last post. Much love.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I heart America
Most of the time, I am my own harshest critic. But when it comes to the frequency of my posts, that title has to go to you people. Yes, it is true that I don't post to blawegsome as often as I used to. And you guys (read Jill, Erin, and Carolyn) definitely do not let me forget it.
So why the drop in posting frequency? Perhaps I am busier these days. Perhaps notable funny things just aren't happening a lot. Maybe I've exhausted my material. Maybe you guys have just stopped doing awesome things to earn shout outs. (don't worry, that's not it. you guys rock.)
OR MAYBE there is some deeper purpose out there. I am a lot of things - short, sarcastic, obnoxious at times, humorous at others. I do triathlons and every 6 months or so I play 1 awesome game of basketball. I am a cheese connoisseur, and a cauliflower hater. But damn it I am an American. And in these troubled times, we all have to make sacrifices for the greater good. (the greater good).
My friend Carolyn put this together. It's kind of hard to see, but the blue line represents the frequency of my posts since February, and the purple line represents the Dow Jones Industrial Average.
Notice the strong negative correlation between the frequency of my posts and the Dow Jones Industrial average. That's right. When I post less, the stock market goes up. I am not being lazy, I am doing my part to turn this recession around! So to all my recent haters, who are disappointed when they don't have a brand new post to read in class every day, let me ask you this: Why do you hate America? Or, to put it in angry-dad-on-a-road-trip terms, "Don't make me turn this stock market around! Cause I will!"
We all do our part. Sure, I could post more. But do you really want to see that purple line come back down? I didn't think so. USA! USA! USA!
*If you just started chanting USA in your head, you've earned 20 awesome points. If you did it out load, you got 200. Congrats.
So why the drop in posting frequency? Perhaps I am busier these days. Perhaps notable funny things just aren't happening a lot. Maybe I've exhausted my material. Maybe you guys have just stopped doing awesome things to earn shout outs. (don't worry, that's not it. you guys rock.)
OR MAYBE there is some deeper purpose out there. I am a lot of things - short, sarcastic, obnoxious at times, humorous at others. I do triathlons and every 6 months or so I play 1 awesome game of basketball. I am a cheese connoisseur, and a cauliflower hater. But damn it I am an American. And in these troubled times, we all have to make sacrifices for the greater good. (the greater good).
My friend Carolyn put this together. It's kind of hard to see, but the blue line represents the frequency of my posts since February, and the purple line represents the Dow Jones Industrial Average.
Notice the strong negative correlation between the frequency of my posts and the Dow Jones Industrial average. That's right. When I post less, the stock market goes up. I am not being lazy, I am doing my part to turn this recession around! So to all my recent haters, who are disappointed when they don't have a brand new post to read in class every day, let me ask you this: Why do you hate America? Or, to put it in angry-dad-on-a-road-trip terms, "Don't make me turn this stock market around! Cause I will!"
We all do our part. Sure, I could post more. But do you really want to see that purple line come back down? I didn't think so. USA! USA! USA!
*If you just started chanting USA in your head, you've earned 20 awesome points. If you did it out load, you got 200. Congrats.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Throwback Uniforms
Mondays are not usually high profile days in sports, especially in the fall. Usually it's all about reacting to all the stuff that happened on Sunday. Football, Golf, Tennis...they all have the majority of their action on Sunday. But yesterday was different. Not only was I treated to a five set thriller of a US Open final, featuring, as tennis seems to recently, more language not appropriate for the younger kids, but also 2 down-to-the-wire NFL finishes.
Now, it seems like every time I write about sports in the blog I get a lot of flack, primarily from my female readership. So I won't talk much about the games. Rather I want to focus on the lack of security. Somehow, during the games yesterday, a group of TGIFriday's waiters made their way onto the field. And I'm not talking ran on and got tackled. They actually stuck around for the entire game. Right on the field. They had whistles, and yellow flags too.
For those confused, I am referring to the NFL's "throwback uniforms" Look at these things!
Orange and white stripes?!??! I get the whole idea of throwback uniforms, but let's leave it to the players. NFL refs get a lot of crap. When it was looking like the chargers wouldn't make the playoffs last year, people were not blaming their poor play for the first 13 weeks of the season. They pinned it on Ed Hochuli for one botched call early in the season. Bottom line: NFL Refs need to be respected. You need to look like you can make a holding call, not read me the specials. So come on NFL, don't subject your refs to these uniforms. They've got enough to worry about without having to bring out separate checks.
Now, it seems like every time I write about sports in the blog I get a lot of flack, primarily from my female readership. So I won't talk much about the games. Rather I want to focus on the lack of security. Somehow, during the games yesterday, a group of TGIFriday's waiters made their way onto the field. And I'm not talking ran on and got tackled. They actually stuck around for the entire game. Right on the field. They had whistles, and yellow flags too.
For those confused, I am referring to the NFL's "throwback uniforms" Look at these things!
Orange and white stripes?!??! I get the whole idea of throwback uniforms, but let's leave it to the players. NFL refs get a lot of crap. When it was looking like the chargers wouldn't make the playoffs last year, people were not blaming their poor play for the first 13 weeks of the season. They pinned it on Ed Hochuli for one botched call early in the season. Bottom line: NFL Refs need to be respected. You need to look like you can make a holding call, not read me the specials. So come on NFL, don't subject your refs to these uniforms. They've got enough to worry about without having to bring out separate checks.
Monday, September 7, 2009
National Holidays
It's been a while since my last post. I've been a little busy I guess.
Transition.
Today is labor day. Growing up, labor day meant only one thing to me - the end of freedom. Fairfax county, like many schools around here, starts their school years the day after labor day. So it was one last day to sleep in, or to go outside before 4:00. And even though it was a day off, it was for all intents and purposes a bad day, because of what lay ahead.
For much of the adult working world, Labor Day is just the opposite - a welcome day off. It is the island between July 4th, should it land on a weekday, and Thanksgiving (or Columbus Day if you're lucky and get that off.)
And then there are those of us in the middle - in colleges or universities who do not close for Labor Day. For us, Labor Day is just another day. Or really, it is a day where we get to complain about how we don't get a holiday.
Holidays in the US are like famous paintings. Everyone knows a few (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and Halloween) but after that not many people could tell you what the other ones are, what they mean, or why they even exist. What better example than labor day. You think the average American knows the significance of Labor Day? They might be able to tell you that labor means "uh...work or somethin..." but to John C. America, Labor Day is, as someone in my copyright class put it today, a good reason to not go to work and drink beer.
Now don't get me wrong, I would love to have a reason to not go to work/school and drink beer. There should be more of these. And so I suggest the following national holidays:
-August 14th: Take Your Work to Your Daughter Day. On this day, instead of bringing your daughter to work, you let them deal with your papers, calls, and anything like that, while you relax and play all day. Most affected by this day: large corporations, and that guy in your office who is the only one without kids, and shows up to work that day.
-February 29th: National No-Regrets Day. This is the day to do something crazy and stupid. The reason is that you will never have to look at a calendar, realize what day it is, and say "man, remember this day last year? I wrestled with a raccoon. That was dumb!" This is because the anniversary of that day won't come around for another 4 years, at which point (1) you will have almost forgotten, and (2) it will be National No-Regrets Day again!
-June 12th: National Double-Presents-to-Anyone-Whose-Birthday-is-Today Day. This one is pretty self explanatory. It is also my birthday. Enough said.
-November 16th: Robra Day. On this day people will cut down trees. It is the opposite of Arbor Day. Robra Day and Arbor day are not to be confused with May 19th: Harbor Day. On this day, people can either (a) go hang out and watch boats, or (b) house a fugitive. Their choice.
I have seen the future, and these will catch on. Time will tell.
Mad props to the Tribe football team for the big win last weekend. Go Tribe!
Transition.
Today is labor day. Growing up, labor day meant only one thing to me - the end of freedom. Fairfax county, like many schools around here, starts their school years the day after labor day. So it was one last day to sleep in, or to go outside before 4:00. And even though it was a day off, it was for all intents and purposes a bad day, because of what lay ahead.
For much of the adult working world, Labor Day is just the opposite - a welcome day off. It is the island between July 4th, should it land on a weekday, and Thanksgiving (or Columbus Day if you're lucky and get that off.)
And then there are those of us in the middle - in colleges or universities who do not close for Labor Day. For us, Labor Day is just another day. Or really, it is a day where we get to complain about how we don't get a holiday.
Holidays in the US are like famous paintings. Everyone knows a few (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and Halloween) but after that not many people could tell you what the other ones are, what they mean, or why they even exist. What better example than labor day. You think the average American knows the significance of Labor Day? They might be able to tell you that labor means "uh...work or somethin..." but to John C. America, Labor Day is, as someone in my copyright class put it today, a good reason to not go to work and drink beer.
Now don't get me wrong, I would love to have a reason to not go to work/school and drink beer. There should be more of these. And so I suggest the following national holidays:
-August 14th: Take Your Work to Your Daughter Day. On this day, instead of bringing your daughter to work, you let them deal with your papers, calls, and anything like that, while you relax and play all day. Most affected by this day: large corporations, and that guy in your office who is the only one without kids, and shows up to work that day.
-February 29th: National No-Regrets Day. This is the day to do something crazy and stupid. The reason is that you will never have to look at a calendar, realize what day it is, and say "man, remember this day last year? I wrestled with a raccoon. That was dumb!" This is because the anniversary of that day won't come around for another 4 years, at which point (1) you will have almost forgotten, and (2) it will be National No-Regrets Day again!
-June 12th: National Double-Presents-to-Anyone-Whose-Birthday-is-Today Day. This one is pretty self explanatory. It is also my birthday. Enough said.
-November 16th: Robra Day. On this day people will cut down trees. It is the opposite of Arbor Day. Robra Day and Arbor day are not to be confused with May 19th: Harbor Day. On this day, people can either (a) go hang out and watch boats, or (b) house a fugitive. Their choice.
I have seen the future, and these will catch on. Time will tell.
Mad props to the Tribe football team for the big win last weekend. Go Tribe!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Looking Young and Dancing
When you look like I do, getting weird looks at a bar is no rare occurrence. I find the looks generally fall into one of two categories. The first is fairly obvious and by far the most common - the "there is NO WAY that kid is 21" look. This comes in various forms. With slight variations in their expressions, I can actually differentiate the thoughts running through their heads. Other popular ones include:
-"I wonder where he got his fake ID"
-"What's wrong with that bouncer"
-"Nice job, kid"
Being judged for looking young is no new thing for me. I have been pulled over multiple times for looking too young to drive. At one such occurrence, when I was 16, the officer told me I "didn't look a day over 9." I have been to a total of 2 r-rated movies without getting carded, both of which happened in the last 6 months. Once, at the age of 18, I was carded for a PG-13 movie. I'm not sure they are even supposed/allowed to do that (incidentally, what ID do 13-year-olds have?
The second glare/look I get in bars is not about my age, but rather about my dancing. I don't have a lot of rhythm or dancing skills per se. I don't dance to pick up girls, or to show off sweet moves. I just do it to have fun. I am well aware that most of the time I look pretty stupid. And I'm alright with that. What really amuses me is other people.
Here's how it usually goes down. I see someone watching me. They smirk, then turn to their two or three friends who they are standing around with, who then immediately look at me. Real slick, guys. Then one of them, usually the first one, starts imitating me. Most of the time it's a mediocre impression, and usually over-exaggerated. Sometimes they do it pretty well. If they can get the arms down, they do it well. I really hope these people aren't trying to be slick and not have me see that they are making fun of me, usually it's fairly obvious.
But here's the funny part. Without a doubt, the majority of people I catch smirking and making fun of me are groups of two or three guys, standing by themselves against the wall near the dance floor. This is one reason why I really don't have a problem with it (the other being that I will never see these people again). I'm out there having an awesome time with my friends, and you, creepy guy standing against the wall watching people dance, are gonna make fun of me? Go right ahead. Sometimes I contemplate going up to some of these people and saying something. I think the best line I've crafted in my head is "I saw you copying my moves out there. It was pretty close, just don't move your arms quite so much. You can work on it tonight when you go home by yourself." But really, there's no reason to be mean. These guys have done nothing to me, so I'll let them be, and keep rockin out the only way I know how.
Sidenote: The best impression I've seen of my dancing is done by Mr. Braswell. He gets the face, the arms, and the feet pretty much spot on. Kudos to you, sir.
-"I wonder where he got his fake ID"
-"What's wrong with that bouncer"
-"Nice job, kid"
Being judged for looking young is no new thing for me. I have been pulled over multiple times for looking too young to drive. At one such occurrence, when I was 16, the officer told me I "didn't look a day over 9." I have been to a total of 2 r-rated movies without getting carded, both of which happened in the last 6 months. Once, at the age of 18, I was carded for a PG-13 movie. I'm not sure they are even supposed/allowed to do that (incidentally, what ID do 13-year-olds have?
The second glare/look I get in bars is not about my age, but rather about my dancing. I don't have a lot of rhythm or dancing skills per se. I don't dance to pick up girls, or to show off sweet moves. I just do it to have fun. I am well aware that most of the time I look pretty stupid. And I'm alright with that. What really amuses me is other people.
Here's how it usually goes down. I see someone watching me. They smirk, then turn to their two or three friends who they are standing around with, who then immediately look at me. Real slick, guys. Then one of them, usually the first one, starts imitating me. Most of the time it's a mediocre impression, and usually over-exaggerated. Sometimes they do it pretty well. If they can get the arms down, they do it well. I really hope these people aren't trying to be slick and not have me see that they are making fun of me, usually it's fairly obvious.
But here's the funny part. Without a doubt, the majority of people I catch smirking and making fun of me are groups of two or three guys, standing by themselves against the wall near the dance floor. This is one reason why I really don't have a problem with it (the other being that I will never see these people again). I'm out there having an awesome time with my friends, and you, creepy guy standing against the wall watching people dance, are gonna make fun of me? Go right ahead. Sometimes I contemplate going up to some of these people and saying something. I think the best line I've crafted in my head is "I saw you copying my moves out there. It was pretty close, just don't move your arms quite so much. You can work on it tonight when you go home by yourself." But really, there's no reason to be mean. These guys have done nothing to me, so I'll let them be, and keep rockin out the only way I know how.
Sidenote: The best impression I've seen of my dancing is done by Mr. Braswell. He gets the face, the arms, and the feet pretty much spot on. Kudos to you, sir.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
The Noisemakers of TCW
Perhaps ironically, the noisiest, most social place at the University of Richmond School of Law is actually supposed to be a "quiet area." Quiet please signs sit on the tables, and signs are posted on the walls. But the warnings seem to fall on deaf ears for the students. I speak of course of the corridor of tables in the law library between the main lobby-type area and the carrels.
Students learn quickly that if they want a quiet place to study that isn't their carrel, these tables are not the place to do that. People come out of class, perhaps head towards their carrels, see some friends, chat for a minute, then decide to stay and study for a while. And by study, I mean talk some more.
But don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I think it's cool to be able to say hi to people at the tables. I don't think it's a place to be super loud, but I don't see hwy it has to be super-duper quiet either. But there is one thing that really does bothersome about the area. I guess it can't be avoided, but that doesn't mean it can't bother people.
When someone walks by, and you are at a table, it is virtually impossible not to look up and see who it is. As a result, your attention is taken off your books for a second, and add on 3 more seconds to figure out where you were. The time adds up. There is something about that hall. Not only are noises amplified, but everyone walking through there seems to exhibit at least one of the following:
-wearing heels
-wearing flip flops
-pockets full of change and keys
-chewing gum
-massive backpacks with keychains
-rollie backpacks (don't get me started...)
-cell phone talkers
-walking with their legs too close together so that their jeans rub together every step (seriously, you would be surprised how loud this can get)
And of course, Megan's personal pet peeve,
-the constant snifflers
We must not be near a stable, because I'm not gonna get up on my high horse about this. I am guilty of several of these things, most notably gum chewing and flip flop wearing. It really can be amusing to people watch and notice that, well, everyone does something. Even if you don't think you do, you do. To the person who can walk down that hall, when at least 10 people are at those tables, and not have 1 person look up at them, I will award 200 awesome points.
Workee workee busy busy!
Students learn quickly that if they want a quiet place to study that isn't their carrel, these tables are not the place to do that. People come out of class, perhaps head towards their carrels, see some friends, chat for a minute, then decide to stay and study for a while. And by study, I mean talk some more.
But don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I think it's cool to be able to say hi to people at the tables. I don't think it's a place to be super loud, but I don't see hwy it has to be super-duper quiet either. But there is one thing that really does bothersome about the area. I guess it can't be avoided, but that doesn't mean it can't bother people.
When someone walks by, and you are at a table, it is virtually impossible not to look up and see who it is. As a result, your attention is taken off your books for a second, and add on 3 more seconds to figure out where you were. The time adds up. There is something about that hall. Not only are noises amplified, but everyone walking through there seems to exhibit at least one of the following:
-wearing heels
-wearing flip flops
-pockets full of change and keys
-chewing gum
-massive backpacks with keychains
-rollie backpacks (don't get me started...)
-cell phone talkers
-walking with their legs too close together so that their jeans rub together every step (seriously, you would be surprised how loud this can get)
And of course, Megan's personal pet peeve,
-the constant snifflers
We must not be near a stable, because I'm not gonna get up on my high horse about this. I am guilty of several of these things, most notably gum chewing and flip flop wearing. It really can be amusing to people watch and notice that, well, everyone does something. Even if you don't think you do, you do. To the person who can walk down that hall, when at least 10 people are at those tables, and not have 1 person look up at them, I will award 200 awesome points.
Workee workee busy busy!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Twitter Spammers
Over the last 18 months or so, Twitter has become a powerful player in the realm of social-networking/time-wasting websites out there. For those unfamiliar, people can go on and post a message of 140 characters or less, and that message will show up on the home page of anyone who is "following" them. Messages can be what you did that day, what you are currently doing, a video you found, a quote, really anything you want.
Since joining Twitter, one thing that seems strange is the presence of spammers. These people follow as many random people as possible. Not random people like celebrities. Just random people they do not even know. I can't really wrap my head around this. Why would random dude across the country want to be told that I "just took a chance on those expired fig newtons..." I don't even always want to know when my actual friends eat recently expired food. So here's two possible explanations.
1) They want to feel like they have a lot of friends. This is entirely likely. I think once you get to a certain point, the more people you follow on twitter has a negative correlation with the number of people you actually know.
2) They think that because they follow lots of people, some of those people will follow them. This has a little bit of sense I suppose, but experience shows me its not likely. Whenever someone new follows me on Twitter, i get an email about it which shows how many people they follow, and how many people follow THEM. Listen, Mr. Spammer, when you are following 39,701 people, and you have 8 followers, I don't think your plan is working.
At any rate, I don't see the point of Twitter spamming. Maybe there is something I am missing, I dunno. Welcome back to Richmond everyone, and good luck with the first day.
Since joining Twitter, one thing that seems strange is the presence of spammers. These people follow as many random people as possible. Not random people like celebrities. Just random people they do not even know. I can't really wrap my head around this. Why would random dude across the country want to be told that I "just took a chance on those expired fig newtons..." I don't even always want to know when my actual friends eat recently expired food. So here's two possible explanations.
1) They want to feel like they have a lot of friends. This is entirely likely. I think once you get to a certain point, the more people you follow on twitter has a negative correlation with the number of people you actually know.
2) They think that because they follow lots of people, some of those people will follow them. This has a little bit of sense I suppose, but experience shows me its not likely. Whenever someone new follows me on Twitter, i get an email about it which shows how many people they follow, and how many people follow THEM. Listen, Mr. Spammer, when you are following 39,701 people, and you have 8 followers, I don't think your plan is working.
At any rate, I don't see the point of Twitter spamming. Maybe there is something I am missing, I dunno. Welcome back to Richmond everyone, and good luck with the first day.
Friday, August 21, 2009
The First Weight Room
Tonight's shout out goes to my awesome legal research professor, for (1) reading my blog, and (2) revealing that fact to me in a very cool way.
Assuming the aliens defeat the TrashBerg Monster (see my May 22nd post for more on that) there will probably be many things about our species which will mystify them. One of them will no doubt be the concept of a weight room. While it may seem a normal part of our culture today, weight rooms essentially boil down to this: people pay good money to go pick up heavy things. Repeatedly. And look at themselves in giant mirrors on the wall while doing so.
I don't know how or when the first weight room was created, but I imagine it to be something like this. Barnibus was a sheep farmer. He spent the days roaming the fields and tending to his flock. One spring day, Barnibus stumbled across the greenest patch of field in all the land, only to find it's entrance being blocked by a large rock and a small rock. He moved the small rock, but his sheep were unable to fit. He could not move the big rock, for he was too weak. From that moment, Barnibus knew he would have to get stronger, but he had no access to heavy things.
That very night, Barnibus summoned DeVon (no relation), the local blacksmith's apprentice, who was also his twin brother. He requested that DeVon make him a set of metal objects, each increasing in size and weight, that he could pick up repeatedly to get stronger. DeVon said "Brah, are you crazy? That is a ridiculous idea. I use this metal to make USEFUL things. You know, swords, axes, guillotines, everyday stuff like that. You want me to make you some heavy stuff to pick up. How about you come over to me and Ruth's place and pick up our kid for a while. That ought to do it."
After several more hours of ranting, DeVon eventually came around "You know, the boss really has been making me mad recently. He goes on and on about some sort of flying device. Like that will ever happen...anyway, I've been looking for a good way to get fired. I'd really like to get into law. This should do the trick. I'm in! Gucci!" Barnibus stared blankly, until DeVon explained what Gucci was. And so it goes that DeVon used 10 week's worth of iron ore to construct a set of weights for Barnibus.
One night, Barnibus dropped by the blacksmith's shop to check on the progress of his weights, only to find DeVon kissing Barnibus' wife, Yolanda. Infuriated he threw Yolanda out on the curb, grabbed a sword, and prepared to take it to DeVon. After DeVon begged for forgiveness, Barnibus said "Fine. But as punishment, when I lift my weights, you will stand 8 feet in front of me and mimic my every move, so that I may see what I look like. When I lift extremely heavy things, you will stand over me and make sure that I do not drop them on my face. You will do this until I am able to move that rock out of the way. Then I shall kill you."
And thus, the first weight room was created.
Happy Birthday to everyone who had birthday's this week, especially Susie and Cate. You guys are awesome.
Assuming the aliens defeat the TrashBerg Monster (see my May 22nd post for more on that) there will probably be many things about our species which will mystify them. One of them will no doubt be the concept of a weight room. While it may seem a normal part of our culture today, weight rooms essentially boil down to this: people pay good money to go pick up heavy things. Repeatedly. And look at themselves in giant mirrors on the wall while doing so.
I don't know how or when the first weight room was created, but I imagine it to be something like this. Barnibus was a sheep farmer. He spent the days roaming the fields and tending to his flock. One spring day, Barnibus stumbled across the greenest patch of field in all the land, only to find it's entrance being blocked by a large rock and a small rock. He moved the small rock, but his sheep were unable to fit. He could not move the big rock, for he was too weak. From that moment, Barnibus knew he would have to get stronger, but he had no access to heavy things.
That very night, Barnibus summoned DeVon (no relation), the local blacksmith's apprentice, who was also his twin brother. He requested that DeVon make him a set of metal objects, each increasing in size and weight, that he could pick up repeatedly to get stronger. DeVon said "Brah, are you crazy? That is a ridiculous idea. I use this metal to make USEFUL things. You know, swords, axes, guillotines, everyday stuff like that. You want me to make you some heavy stuff to pick up. How about you come over to me and Ruth's place and pick up our kid for a while. That ought to do it."
After several more hours of ranting, DeVon eventually came around "You know, the boss really has been making me mad recently. He goes on and on about some sort of flying device. Like that will ever happen...anyway, I've been looking for a good way to get fired. I'd really like to get into law. This should do the trick. I'm in! Gucci!" Barnibus stared blankly, until DeVon explained what Gucci was. And so it goes that DeVon used 10 week's worth of iron ore to construct a set of weights for Barnibus.
One night, Barnibus dropped by the blacksmith's shop to check on the progress of his weights, only to find DeVon kissing Barnibus' wife, Yolanda. Infuriated he threw Yolanda out on the curb, grabbed a sword, and prepared to take it to DeVon. After DeVon begged for forgiveness, Barnibus said "Fine. But as punishment, when I lift my weights, you will stand 8 feet in front of me and mimic my every move, so that I may see what I look like. When I lift extremely heavy things, you will stand over me and make sure that I do not drop them on my face. You will do this until I am able to move that rock out of the way. Then I shall kill you."
And thus, the first weight room was created.
Happy Birthday to everyone who had birthday's this week, especially Susie and Cate. You guys are awesome.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Going Transit
My return to Richmond means a return to more consistent blogging. Apologies to my readers for not posting a lot over the summer. But now we're all back, so it's all good.
For my week of vacation between work and school, I went to Las Vegas. Vegas is home to casinos, ridiculous energy consumption, and some of the strangest people on the planet. But the trip opened my eyes to something. Allow me to explain. In Vegas, there is a bus called the Deuce that runs up and down the strip. This works like any other bus - if you want to get off at the next stop, you push the button, and the driver will stop.
On one particular bus ride, there was either someone who really did not understand the system, or just wanted to make the driver angry. If it was the latter, it worked. Someone pushed the button, and the driver stopped the bus. When no one moved, he gets his speaker out and says "Does ANYONE need to get off the bus???" in a very frustrated tone. No one moves, so he closes the door and pulls away. As soon as he moves again, someone hits the button. He makes the next stop, and guess what? No one gets off the bus. Now he is really mad, and said the following:
"Let me explain how this works to you people. When you hit those red buttons, it makes me think that someone needs to get off the bus! And I've got to make the stop. SO, AGAIN, does ANYONE need to get off the bus?!?!?"
While amused, I realized this could be a serious problem. We've all heard about postal workers, doing the same thing over and over again and not getting appreciated until they "go postal" - go crazy basically. But the thing is if a postal worker goes crazy, the number of people hurt will likely be minimal. Little Jimmy might not get that birthday card from Aunt Louise with $11 in it on time, but for the most part people will be safe.
But with bus drivers, it's different. Like postal workers, they do the same thing over and over again, often unappreciated. But if a driver were to "go transit," he's got a bus full of people he's takin down with him. We can't have this be happening. So c'mon now people, thank your bus drivers, and don't hit the button unless you need to get off the bus.
More on Vegas later. Glad to be back.
For my week of vacation between work and school, I went to Las Vegas. Vegas is home to casinos, ridiculous energy consumption, and some of the strangest people on the planet. But the trip opened my eyes to something. Allow me to explain. In Vegas, there is a bus called the Deuce that runs up and down the strip. This works like any other bus - if you want to get off at the next stop, you push the button, and the driver will stop.
On one particular bus ride, there was either someone who really did not understand the system, or just wanted to make the driver angry. If it was the latter, it worked. Someone pushed the button, and the driver stopped the bus. When no one moved, he gets his speaker out and says "Does ANYONE need to get off the bus???" in a very frustrated tone. No one moves, so he closes the door and pulls away. As soon as he moves again, someone hits the button. He makes the next stop, and guess what? No one gets off the bus. Now he is really mad, and said the following:
"Let me explain how this works to you people. When you hit those red buttons, it makes me think that someone needs to get off the bus! And I've got to make the stop. SO, AGAIN, does ANYONE need to get off the bus?!?!?"
While amused, I realized this could be a serious problem. We've all heard about postal workers, doing the same thing over and over again and not getting appreciated until they "go postal" - go crazy basically. But the thing is if a postal worker goes crazy, the number of people hurt will likely be minimal. Little Jimmy might not get that birthday card from Aunt Louise with $11 in it on time, but for the most part people will be safe.
But with bus drivers, it's different. Like postal workers, they do the same thing over and over again, often unappreciated. But if a driver were to "go transit," he's got a bus full of people he's takin down with him. We can't have this be happening. So c'mon now people, thank your bus drivers, and don't hit the button unless you need to get off the bus.
More on Vegas later. Glad to be back.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
My Nemesis Returns
When I am at school, 1 SpiderBytes a day is MORE than enough. I wish i could put greater emphasis on the MORE. I loathe SpiderBytes with a passion. You can imagine my fury when I discovered I would continue to receive SpiderBytes throughout the summer, when I am no longer at Richmond and it is therefore completely and utterly useless. But my enemy has gone too far now.
Twice in the last week, I have gotten TWO SPIDERBYTES IN ONE DAY. This is unacceptable on all accounts. At first glance I might think this is a "technical error," but in my heart of hearts this is without a doubt another cunning move by my nemesis. SpiderBytes plays games with my heart like I used to do to the Backstreet Boys before they told me to quit.
If you recall, last semester SpiderBytes disguised itself as Junk Mail so it would no longer appear in my Inbox...for two days. Just long enough for me to notice the change and get psyched about it. Then it was back in my inbox faster than the time it takes Richard to consider paying a $15 cover charge. Later on, as the semester ended, SpiderBytes stopped coming to my inbox just long enough to give me a glimmer of hope that I would be rid of it for the summer. Then like die hard it came back with a vengeance.
So forgive me if I don't buy any explanation of a "technical error." I trust SpiderBytes about as far as I can throw it. Which due to its lack of corporeal form, is 0 feet.
Twice in the last week, I have gotten TWO SPIDERBYTES IN ONE DAY. This is unacceptable on all accounts. At first glance I might think this is a "technical error," but in my heart of hearts this is without a doubt another cunning move by my nemesis. SpiderBytes plays games with my heart like I used to do to the Backstreet Boys before they told me to quit.
If you recall, last semester SpiderBytes disguised itself as Junk Mail so it would no longer appear in my Inbox...for two days. Just long enough for me to notice the change and get psyched about it. Then it was back in my inbox faster than the time it takes Richard to consider paying a $15 cover charge. Later on, as the semester ended, SpiderBytes stopped coming to my inbox just long enough to give me a glimmer of hope that I would be rid of it for the summer. Then like die hard it came back with a vengeance.
So forgive me if I don't buy any explanation of a "technical error." I trust SpiderBytes about as far as I can throw it. Which due to its lack of corporeal form, is 0 feet.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Awesome Hierarchy and Ikea
The world is full of wonderful, amazing things. Almost every day I see something and all I can say is "that's awesome." But there is of course an awesome hierarchy. Allow me to explain.
Level 1 Awesome, or L1A: This is something that I see, think to myself "that's awesome" but don't verbally point out to others, because its just not that awesome or they won't agree that it is awesome.
Level 2 Awesome, or L2A: This is something that I say "that's awesome" to present company, but probably wont tell to anyone not there. Anything where you would say "you kind of had to be there" qualifies as L2A.
Level 3 Awesome, or L3A: This is something that I say "that's awesome" and will likely tell people about later. This is something pretty awesome.
Level 4 Awesome, of L4A: The Coup de Awesome. This is something that I say "that's awesome!" I KNOW I will tell people about later, and, perhaps the best sign of all, it makes the blawegsome cut. Well, you get the idea. Now for something L4A...
I recently went to one of the greatest stores out there, Ikea. I love ikea. There is so much stuff. Every piece of furniture you could imagine. But I'm not here today to talk about the furniture. When you walk in, if you are hungry or thirsty, you have several options. First, there is a soda and snack machine. Not bad, but not unusual. Walmart has those. Second, if you want something a little more, there's the Ikea cafe. Here you can get frozen yogurt, a hot dog, a freshly baked cinnamon roll, or something like that. Nice, but I think I've seen it before.
Well venture up to the second floor my friend, and you'll find option number 3 - the Ikea RESTAURANT. A sit down restaurant in the middle of a massive furniture store? Pinch me I'm dreaming. If you're doing some serious shopping and need to recharge, this is money. I had heard of this before, but I hadn't seen the true awesomeness until I got there and read the sign. I saw something truly L4A.
WEDNESDAY IS RIB NIGHT AT THE IKEA RESTAURANT!
That's right. Rib night. At Ikea. To quote Brian Regan, Does life get any better? I submit that it does not! Nothing gets my rib hankering going like pushing a cart through a massive warehouse to find my new bookcase ready to assemble in 4 boxes. Forget going to the store, then coming home to cook dinner. Just eat AT the store. If I am fortunate enough to one day live a short distance from Ikea, rib night will become a thing. Growing up, we had pizza every Friday. Well, my family and I are gonna pile in the Seabring, roll down the street to Ikea, head up top for RIB NIGHT, and then maybe check out some cabinets on our way out. Weekly dinner at Ikea. I cannot wait.
Level 1 Awesome, or L1A: This is something that I see, think to myself "that's awesome" but don't verbally point out to others, because its just not that awesome or they won't agree that it is awesome.
Level 2 Awesome, or L2A: This is something that I say "that's awesome" to present company, but probably wont tell to anyone not there. Anything where you would say "you kind of had to be there" qualifies as L2A.
Level 3 Awesome, or L3A: This is something that I say "that's awesome" and will likely tell people about later. This is something pretty awesome.
Level 4 Awesome, of L4A: The Coup de Awesome. This is something that I say "that's awesome!" I KNOW I will tell people about later, and, perhaps the best sign of all, it makes the blawegsome cut. Well, you get the idea. Now for something L4A...
I recently went to one of the greatest stores out there, Ikea. I love ikea. There is so much stuff. Every piece of furniture you could imagine. But I'm not here today to talk about the furniture. When you walk in, if you are hungry or thirsty, you have several options. First, there is a soda and snack machine. Not bad, but not unusual. Walmart has those. Second, if you want something a little more, there's the Ikea cafe. Here you can get frozen yogurt, a hot dog, a freshly baked cinnamon roll, or something like that. Nice, but I think I've seen it before.
Well venture up to the second floor my friend, and you'll find option number 3 - the Ikea RESTAURANT. A sit down restaurant in the middle of a massive furniture store? Pinch me I'm dreaming. If you're doing some serious shopping and need to recharge, this is money. I had heard of this before, but I hadn't seen the true awesomeness until I got there and read the sign. I saw something truly L4A.
WEDNESDAY IS RIB NIGHT AT THE IKEA RESTAURANT!
That's right. Rib night. At Ikea. To quote Brian Regan, Does life get any better? I submit that it does not! Nothing gets my rib hankering going like pushing a cart through a massive warehouse to find my new bookcase ready to assemble in 4 boxes. Forget going to the store, then coming home to cook dinner. Just eat AT the store. If I am fortunate enough to one day live a short distance from Ikea, rib night will become a thing. Growing up, we had pizza every Friday. Well, my family and I are gonna pile in the Seabring, roll down the street to Ikea, head up top for RIB NIGHT, and then maybe check out some cabinets on our way out. Weekly dinner at Ikea. I cannot wait.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Planes, Explosions, and Flowers
I've seen a lot of weird stories in my day. This is certainly not the strangest, but definitely worth mentioning.
Apparently, a woman who was getting married in Italy decided to do something special instead of the normal run-of-the-mill bouquet toss. Instead, she gathered all the single ladies on the seashore, and hired a plane to fly overhead. As the plane flew over, a guy in the plane would drop the bouquet into the crowd of women.
This could not be a crazy, strange story unless something went horribly wrong. Which it did.
While the guy was waiting to throw the bouquet down, the flowers got sucked into the tail rotor, causing the ENGINE TO EXPLODE. The plane plummeted to the ground, narrowly missing a hostel and crashing hard into the ground. Both the pilot and the flower guy were injured, but fortunately neither was killed.
And so I'm sure my two friends in the hospital recovering from the plane crash will join me in presenting yet another "Whatever, I Do What I Want" Award. Today's "Whatever, I Do What I Want" Award goes to Brides. Girls are raised being told that their wedding day will be "their special day" or "the happiest day of their lives." Somehow this goes in their heads and gets translated as they get to demand and have whatever they damn well please. But there has to be a line drawn, and that line is where your desire to do something "fun and different" puts people in the hospital. Was this a fluke accident that couldn't have been foreseen? Sure. Was this whole thing safe in the first place? Uh, I'm gonna go with NO. You are dropping plants into a throng of husband-hungry, ugly-bridesmaid-dress-wearing, open-bar-drinking women from a PLANE, and you think that's safe? Lets do some hypos
-Scenario A: They try to catch it. Someone is gonna get hit in the face with some flowers. An eye will get hurt. That is virtually certain.
-Scenario B: They let it fall. A massive pile-up ensues. I pity that girl on the bottom, but at least she will have flowers at the hospital.
-Scenario C: There is no Scenario C.
While the choice of being in a hospital may be preferable to doing the chicken dance with your aunts and cousins to some, I'm thinking most would prefer to celebrate your marriage injury free. So come on brides. Let's have some common sense. Or at least follow these simple rules when considering an extravagant wedding stunt.
Rule 1: Bouquet tossing should not involve hired help, airplanes, locomotives, automobiles, scuba gear, puppies, time machines, Brussels sprouts, chainsaws, or jello. Wait, scratch that. Jello is strongly encouraged for use in all activities involving multiple single women.
Rule 2: Electronic devices should be avoided unless necessary. Exceptions: Speakers for the DJ, and night vision goggles (cause those are just awesome)
Rule 3: If when reading this post, you thought of something in your wedding plans and said "on second thought..." it is probably dangerous. Scrap it.
Follow these rules, and everyone will be happy, or at least as happy as you can be at a wedding.
Apparently, a woman who was getting married in Italy decided to do something special instead of the normal run-of-the-mill bouquet toss. Instead, she gathered all the single ladies on the seashore, and hired a plane to fly overhead. As the plane flew over, a guy in the plane would drop the bouquet into the crowd of women.
This could not be a crazy, strange story unless something went horribly wrong. Which it did.
While the guy was waiting to throw the bouquet down, the flowers got sucked into the tail rotor, causing the ENGINE TO EXPLODE. The plane plummeted to the ground, narrowly missing a hostel and crashing hard into the ground. Both the pilot and the flower guy were injured, but fortunately neither was killed.
And so I'm sure my two friends in the hospital recovering from the plane crash will join me in presenting yet another "Whatever, I Do What I Want" Award. Today's "Whatever, I Do What I Want" Award goes to Brides. Girls are raised being told that their wedding day will be "their special day" or "the happiest day of their lives." Somehow this goes in their heads and gets translated as they get to demand and have whatever they damn well please. But there has to be a line drawn, and that line is where your desire to do something "fun and different" puts people in the hospital. Was this a fluke accident that couldn't have been foreseen? Sure. Was this whole thing safe in the first place? Uh, I'm gonna go with NO. You are dropping plants into a throng of husband-hungry, ugly-bridesmaid-dress-wearing, open-bar-drinking women from a PLANE, and you think that's safe? Lets do some hypos
-Scenario A: They try to catch it. Someone is gonna get hit in the face with some flowers. An eye will get hurt. That is virtually certain.
-Scenario B: They let it fall. A massive pile-up ensues. I pity that girl on the bottom, but at least she will have flowers at the hospital.
-Scenario C: There is no Scenario C.
While the choice of being in a hospital may be preferable to doing the chicken dance with your aunts and cousins to some, I'm thinking most would prefer to celebrate your marriage injury free. So come on brides. Let's have some common sense. Or at least follow these simple rules when considering an extravagant wedding stunt.
Rule 1: Bouquet tossing should not involve hired help, airplanes, locomotives, automobiles, scuba gear, puppies, time machines, Brussels sprouts, chainsaws, or jello. Wait, scratch that. Jello is strongly encouraged for use in all activities involving multiple single women.
Rule 2: Electronic devices should be avoided unless necessary. Exceptions: Speakers for the DJ, and night vision goggles (cause those are just awesome)
Rule 3: If when reading this post, you thought of something in your wedding plans and said "on second thought..." it is probably dangerous. Scrap it.
Follow these rules, and everyone will be happy, or at least as happy as you can be at a wedding.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Status Report
A general update is in order
1) After many weeks of voluntary house arrest, I am employed. I work for a telecom company in DC. Most of the stuff I do deals with the stimulus money that is reserved for companies like mine to bring broadband to rural America. While I am sure to some of you that sounds like more boringness than you could shake a stick at, i rather enjoy it. And after moot court, I can always say "hey, at least it's not campaign finance reform" Wisconsin Right To Life still haunts my dreams so much you can call me Perry Roberson.
2) The job, unfortunately like a lot out there, is unpaid. So to fund my beloved frivolities, I created the Tizzle Summer Stimulus Package (TSSP). TSSP involves me winning radio contests and selling the tickets (or sometimes using them if I want to go). I must be kidding right? Wrong! On Tuesday I won two tickets to Green Day at the verizon center (which i may end up going to). But the big win came yesterday, when I scored two second row seats to the sold out Jonas Brothers show at the Verizon Center next Tuesday. This is gonna be a tough sell. I have a dream of being able to shove a 13-year-old girl to the ground with one hand and shove her mom to the ground with the other hand at the same time. There really are not a lot of socially acceptable times i could get away with this except at a JoBro mosh pit. However, these tickets have the potential to pull in some serious scratch, so I might have to part with them.
3) In my very first blawegsome post, I mentioned someone who had inspired me to start the blog. I called him "Less Than Three" and those who know him know why. Well, Mr. Three has recently become quite active in posting on his website/blog. For this, I must give him props. He is more computer-savvy than me, so his blog is actually his own website and he does a lot of things. Well done, sir, keep up the good work and I look forward to a potential blog-off in the near future.
4) I recently got in a car crash. I was on the highway and the guy behind me got rear ended, which sent his car flying into me. We got out of the cars, called the police, and once they came and gave us the ok, the cars were moved to the shoulder and traffic started picking up. Standing on the shoulder by my banged up car, i was shocked at the amount of yelling and dirty looks were sent my direction. So I'd like to take a segment to address people like that in another segment of "Whatever, I Do What I Want!" Enjoy.
Today's "Whatever, I Do What I Want" award goes to people who curse at people who have just been in an accident. Wow. Your commute has just been lengthened 4.5 minutes, and your solution is to bark incoherent obscenities at a group of people whose cars are wrecked, they are potentially injured, and the majority of them did absolutely nothing wrong? I'm sure your co-workers over at D-Bags-R-Us (I really wish I could do a backwards R there, but I can't so just imagine it) are anxiously awaiting your arrival, where you will yell at someone for taking the last cup of coffee...while you are waiting to get a cup of coffee. I know, I know, sitting in traffic for an extra few minutes is hard. You've got to push that brake pedal with a moderate amount of force. I'm sure that is really hard, causes a lot of stress, which you release to people on the side of the road. But I should be a little understanding. With people skills like that, you probably don't have a lot of people to talk to during the day, so maybe you are just reaching out for a friend. Well I'm not buyin. So you know what, Mr. Car-Accident-Victim-Curser, just keep on cursing, and I really hope one day you yell at someone on the shoulder and the police officer thinks you are yelling at him/her and books you like the ShamWow guy.
PS I was not hurt in the accident. The car was nearly totalled, but should be fixable. You let me dodge another bullet, big guy.
That's all for now. More to come later. much love.
1) After many weeks of voluntary house arrest, I am employed. I work for a telecom company in DC. Most of the stuff I do deals with the stimulus money that is reserved for companies like mine to bring broadband to rural America. While I am sure to some of you that sounds like more boringness than you could shake a stick at, i rather enjoy it. And after moot court, I can always say "hey, at least it's not campaign finance reform" Wisconsin Right To Life still haunts my dreams so much you can call me Perry Roberson.
2) The job, unfortunately like a lot out there, is unpaid. So to fund my beloved frivolities, I created the Tizzle Summer Stimulus Package (TSSP). TSSP involves me winning radio contests and selling the tickets (or sometimes using them if I want to go). I must be kidding right? Wrong! On Tuesday I won two tickets to Green Day at the verizon center (which i may end up going to). But the big win came yesterday, when I scored two second row seats to the sold out Jonas Brothers show at the Verizon Center next Tuesday. This is gonna be a tough sell. I have a dream of being able to shove a 13-year-old girl to the ground with one hand and shove her mom to the ground with the other hand at the same time. There really are not a lot of socially acceptable times i could get away with this except at a JoBro mosh pit. However, these tickets have the potential to pull in some serious scratch, so I might have to part with them.
3) In my very first blawegsome post, I mentioned someone who had inspired me to start the blog. I called him "Less Than Three" and those who know him know why. Well, Mr. Three has recently become quite active in posting on his website/blog. For this, I must give him props. He is more computer-savvy than me, so his blog is actually his own website and he does a lot of things. Well done, sir, keep up the good work and I look forward to a potential blog-off in the near future.
4) I recently got in a car crash. I was on the highway and the guy behind me got rear ended, which sent his car flying into me. We got out of the cars, called the police, and once they came and gave us the ok, the cars were moved to the shoulder and traffic started picking up. Standing on the shoulder by my banged up car, i was shocked at the amount of yelling and dirty looks were sent my direction. So I'd like to take a segment to address people like that in another segment of "Whatever, I Do What I Want!" Enjoy.
Today's "Whatever, I Do What I Want" award goes to people who curse at people who have just been in an accident. Wow. Your commute has just been lengthened 4.5 minutes, and your solution is to bark incoherent obscenities at a group of people whose cars are wrecked, they are potentially injured, and the majority of them did absolutely nothing wrong? I'm sure your co-workers over at D-Bags-R-Us (I really wish I could do a backwards R there, but I can't so just imagine it) are anxiously awaiting your arrival, where you will yell at someone for taking the last cup of coffee...while you are waiting to get a cup of coffee. I know, I know, sitting in traffic for an extra few minutes is hard. You've got to push that brake pedal with a moderate amount of force. I'm sure that is really hard, causes a lot of stress, which you release to people on the side of the road. But I should be a little understanding. With people skills like that, you probably don't have a lot of people to talk to during the day, so maybe you are just reaching out for a friend. Well I'm not buyin. So you know what, Mr. Car-Accident-Victim-Curser, just keep on cursing, and I really hope one day you yell at someone on the shoulder and the police officer thinks you are yelling at him/her and books you like the ShamWow guy.
PS I was not hurt in the accident. The car was nearly totalled, but should be fixable. You let me dodge another bullet, big guy.
That's all for now. More to come later. much love.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Car headlights and a salute to birds
Almost every night I drive I see a car with 1 headlight out. Ive been told its illegal because people will think you are a motorcycle. I don't buy it. If you hit a car because you thought it was a motorcycle, you just shouldn't be driving, regardless of the current functionality of your headlights.
But the real question is this: how is it that one headlight always burns out first, and the other one lasts long enough for you to get the other one fixed days/weeks later. The lights receive the same amount of current, and you never have one headlight on but not the other. When the car is first manufactured, it starts with two brand new headlights. So why don't they ever burn out at the same time? Do the headlight manufacturers purposely make them all different? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. As a current 1-headlight driver, I am very glad that they do not blow out at the same time, otherwise I would probably be posting from the hospital after keeping a traffic light pole warm by wrapping it with the Tizzlemobile. So whatever you're doing, headlight manufacturers, keep it up.
Moment of the day: I'm walking on a golf course with my dad. All of a sudden a big flock of birds flew overhead. I hear "God damn it!" from behind me. That's right - a bird took a crap on my dad's head. Good thing he was wearing a hat. I was not, but I guess I got lucky. I'd like to keep that luck going. So thanks birds. You guys are awesome. No other creatures have the amazing ability to fly but choose to be all humble and eat from the trash. Sure, you sometimes make loud noises for no apparent reason or purpose, but hey, who am I to judge? I do the same thing. So here's to you birds. Keep being awesome, and please keep crapping on my friends and family but not on me. Toucan do it.
But the real question is this: how is it that one headlight always burns out first, and the other one lasts long enough for you to get the other one fixed days/weeks later. The lights receive the same amount of current, and you never have one headlight on but not the other. When the car is first manufactured, it starts with two brand new headlights. So why don't they ever burn out at the same time? Do the headlight manufacturers purposely make them all different? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. As a current 1-headlight driver, I am very glad that they do not blow out at the same time, otherwise I would probably be posting from the hospital after keeping a traffic light pole warm by wrapping it with the Tizzlemobile. So whatever you're doing, headlight manufacturers, keep it up.
Moment of the day: I'm walking on a golf course with my dad. All of a sudden a big flock of birds flew overhead. I hear "God damn it!" from behind me. That's right - a bird took a crap on my dad's head. Good thing he was wearing a hat. I was not, but I guess I got lucky. I'd like to keep that luck going. So thanks birds. You guys are awesome. No other creatures have the amazing ability to fly but choose to be all humble and eat from the trash. Sure, you sometimes make loud noises for no apparent reason or purpose, but hey, who am I to judge? I do the same thing. So here's to you birds. Keep being awesome, and please keep crapping on my friends and family but not on me. Toucan do it.
Monday, June 29, 2009
A-Mays-ing
It's been a while. First off, just wanted to wish safe travels to everyone going to Cambridge this summer. Have an awesome time.
Fans of the blog know I love infomercials. Snuggies, ShamWows, and the like. And so I was shocked and saddened at the recent death of Billy Mays, the undisputed king of infomercials. Like the late great Mr. Jackson, Billy was only 50. Early reports say that he suffered a head injury during a rough flight landing that initially didn't seem serious but turned out to be.
Billy had an old school pitching style he learned as a kid selling products on the boardwalk at Atlantic City. "Hi Billy mays here for..." No one could do it like this guy. But best of all, he was completely aware that people made fun of his style and embraced it. He just knew that's the way he did it and nothing was gonna change him. Mays was also an avid user of all the products that he promoted. Hats off to you, Billy, you will be missed.
More to come soon.
Fans of the blog know I love infomercials. Snuggies, ShamWows, and the like. And so I was shocked and saddened at the recent death of Billy Mays, the undisputed king of infomercials. Like the late great Mr. Jackson, Billy was only 50. Early reports say that he suffered a head injury during a rough flight landing that initially didn't seem serious but turned out to be.
Billy had an old school pitching style he learned as a kid selling products on the boardwalk at Atlantic City. "Hi Billy mays here for..." No one could do it like this guy. But best of all, he was completely aware that people made fun of his style and embraced it. He just knew that's the way he did it and nothing was gonna change him. Mays was also an avid user of all the products that he promoted. Hats off to you, Billy, you will be missed.
More to come soon.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Mantracker
I recently discovered a new awesome show. Thanks go out to Amelia's colleagues for the info. The show is called Mantracker, and airs on the Science Channel. Here's the premise: Two people are taken out to the wilderness and given a map and compass. They have to get to an endpoint, usually at least 20 miles away. They are tracked by "Mantracker" and a guide who knows the terrain. Mantracker and the guide are both on horses, the prey are on foot. Mantracker doesn't know the endpoint, and the prey get a 2km head start. If the Mantracker catches them, they lose. If he doesn't the prey wins. There is no prize, only satisfaction.
The show is packed with action from start to finish. There is never a moment where you can say "ok, they're safe. I'm gonna go get a sandwich" On the episode last night, the guys tried to set some false tracks to fool the tracker. He was onto their plan though, and had them in eyesight within 15 minutes. Of course, he doesn't just have to spot them, he has to CATCH them. Honestly, I don't yet know what that entails, seeing as the prey won last night. I have grand visions of a lasso or a blow dart, or even a paintball gun. That would be awesome.
The music in the show is excellent. You know how most shows have dramatic music leading up to a commercial break? Well Mantracker has dramatic music ALL THE TIME, because it's ALWAYS dramatic. It really is fantastic.
Watching the show, I was most taken not by the skill of the prey, or the tracker, but by the cameramen. The camerawork is incredible. So many shots from so many angles. And I feel like if I was the prey, trying to hide my tracks and not make footprints, it would frustrate me to have a camera team along for the ride. After a little research, I just discovered that they go back and re-shoot some shots for dramatic effect, and that sometimes they send out fake camera crews and prey. They also make the tracker explain his reasoning to try to get him to just avoid tracking cameramen. A little disappointing, but still give the camera guys a lot of props.
If you haven't seen it, you should check it out. Wednesday nights. Its summer. There is nothing good on TV. You have no excuse.
The show is packed with action from start to finish. There is never a moment where you can say "ok, they're safe. I'm gonna go get a sandwich" On the episode last night, the guys tried to set some false tracks to fool the tracker. He was onto their plan though, and had them in eyesight within 15 minutes. Of course, he doesn't just have to spot them, he has to CATCH them. Honestly, I don't yet know what that entails, seeing as the prey won last night. I have grand visions of a lasso or a blow dart, or even a paintball gun. That would be awesome.
The music in the show is excellent. You know how most shows have dramatic music leading up to a commercial break? Well Mantracker has dramatic music ALL THE TIME, because it's ALWAYS dramatic. It really is fantastic.
Watching the show, I was most taken not by the skill of the prey, or the tracker, but by the cameramen. The camerawork is incredible. So many shots from so many angles. And I feel like if I was the prey, trying to hide my tracks and not make footprints, it would frustrate me to have a camera team along for the ride. After a little research, I just discovered that they go back and re-shoot some shots for dramatic effect, and that sometimes they send out fake camera crews and prey. They also make the tracker explain his reasoning to try to get him to just avoid tracking cameramen. A little disappointing, but still give the camera guys a lot of props.
If you haven't seen it, you should check it out. Wednesday nights. Its summer. There is nothing good on TV. You have no excuse.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Ninjas
I've been putting of posting about this waiting for the details to develop. Frankly, it's a sad comment on the state of the nation that this is not that big a story but people continue to obsess about Jon and Kate Plus 8, or as they will soon be known, Jon Plus Four and Kate Plus Four.
Actor David Carradine was found dead on June 4th. Reports and conclusions have differed, but a Thai forensic expert concluded he died of autoerotic asphyxiation. He was found with rope around his neck and his genitals. However, different reports have come in about some of the details. One said he was found hanging from the ceiling by a rope. Another said he was curled up on the floor. Another said his hands were tied behind his back, indicating that it was neither suicide nor accident. A photograph showed his hands tied above his head.
But wait, there's more. Naturally, the family would have trouble believing that he committed suicide or died by accident in some strange sex act. Could there be another explanation? Certainly. Attorney Mark Gergaros suggested that Carradine may have been killed by a secret society of kung fu assassins that Carradine was trying to uncover. That's right. A secret ninja society thought he was getting too nosy, so they killed him in, well, an interesting way.
First, isn't a secret society of ninjas kind of redundant? Being secret is pretty key for ninjas to start with. If there was a job description, "keeping secret" would probably be right after "extreme martial arts skills" and right before "must be ok with being awesome." There's no out in the open group of ninjas. So how can there be a secret society of ninjas? I just assume that all ninjas are part of a secret society, because they are ninjas.
Second, this is a fantastic story to go with, because (a) it explains everything, and (b) it cannot be disproven.
Q: Suppose some security camera footage showed no one else in the room with David Carradine. What then?
A: Well, they are ninjas. Do you think they are gonna get caught on a camera? Not a chance.
Q: It looked like he committed suicide.
A: Would a ninja want it to look like murder? Not a chance.
Q: Ok, that's all well and good, but isn't the fact that this idea about ninjas just evidence that it wasn't ninjas? A true kung fu assassin would never let a story like this leak.
A: Normally, I would agree with you. But surely you are aware of the long time feud between pirates and ninjas. Pirates have been getting a LOT of press recently. Ninjas just wanted to remind everyone out there that they were still around, and clearly, very much a threat.
Q: It can't be disproven?
A: Absolutely not. We're talking about a secret society of NINJAS. The authorities would have a hard enough time finding a secret society of plumbers. Think they even have a shot finding ninjas? No way.
Just remember people, ninjas are out there. If you are alive and reading this, you must be on their good side. So I guess the lesson is simple: Do not try to uncover secret societies of kung fu assassins. Just don't.
Actor David Carradine was found dead on June 4th. Reports and conclusions have differed, but a Thai forensic expert concluded he died of autoerotic asphyxiation. He was found with rope around his neck and his genitals. However, different reports have come in about some of the details. One said he was found hanging from the ceiling by a rope. Another said he was curled up on the floor. Another said his hands were tied behind his back, indicating that it was neither suicide nor accident. A photograph showed his hands tied above his head.
But wait, there's more. Naturally, the family would have trouble believing that he committed suicide or died by accident in some strange sex act. Could there be another explanation? Certainly. Attorney Mark Gergaros suggested that Carradine may have been killed by a secret society of kung fu assassins that Carradine was trying to uncover. That's right. A secret ninja society thought he was getting too nosy, so they killed him in, well, an interesting way.
First, isn't a secret society of ninjas kind of redundant? Being secret is pretty key for ninjas to start with. If there was a job description, "keeping secret" would probably be right after "extreme martial arts skills" and right before "must be ok with being awesome." There's no out in the open group of ninjas. So how can there be a secret society of ninjas? I just assume that all ninjas are part of a secret society, because they are ninjas.
Second, this is a fantastic story to go with, because (a) it explains everything, and (b) it cannot be disproven.
Q: Suppose some security camera footage showed no one else in the room with David Carradine. What then?
A: Well, they are ninjas. Do you think they are gonna get caught on a camera? Not a chance.
Q: It looked like he committed suicide.
A: Would a ninja want it to look like murder? Not a chance.
Q: Ok, that's all well and good, but isn't the fact that this idea about ninjas just evidence that it wasn't ninjas? A true kung fu assassin would never let a story like this leak.
A: Normally, I would agree with you. But surely you are aware of the long time feud between pirates and ninjas. Pirates have been getting a LOT of press recently. Ninjas just wanted to remind everyone out there that they were still around, and clearly, very much a threat.
Q: It can't be disproven?
A: Absolutely not. We're talking about a secret society of NINJAS. The authorities would have a hard enough time finding a secret society of plumbers. Think they even have a shot finding ninjas? No way.
Just remember people, ninjas are out there. If you are alive and reading this, you must be on their good side. So I guess the lesson is simple: Do not try to uncover secret societies of kung fu assassins. Just don't.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Bagels in the morning....and afternoon....that's it.
If you walk through Washington D.C. on a normal workday around 1:00, you're dining options are virtually endless. However, walk those same streets not 4 hours later and it is a ghost town in terms of eateries. Hundreds of restraunts are open for lunch but close around 3. And it's not just in the District. It's everywhere.
The absolute worst offenders are bagel places. I don't know who decreed on their death bed that all bagel places were to be closed once the lunch rush was over. This would make sense if no one got a bagel hankering after 4:00. But frankly it just doesn't happen that way. Sometimes I need a bagel in the evening or at night like the Cuban 5 needs a change of venue.
So when this whole law thing is through, I will pursue my true calling in life. I will open a bagel place that stays open til 9 PM. The menu will feature dinner entres featuring bagels. Because lets face it, bagels have holes, why shouldn't they be served the whole day? It's gonna be huge, be on the lookout.
No disrespect to Chesapeake, Einstein Bros, Manhattan Bagel and the like, but I've never been one to follow the crowd without reason or rhyme. Bagels are awesome.
The absolute worst offenders are bagel places. I don't know who decreed on their death bed that all bagel places were to be closed once the lunch rush was over. This would make sense if no one got a bagel hankering after 4:00. But frankly it just doesn't happen that way. Sometimes I need a bagel in the evening or at night like the Cuban 5 needs a change of venue.
So when this whole law thing is through, I will pursue my true calling in life. I will open a bagel place that stays open til 9 PM. The menu will feature dinner entres featuring bagels. Because lets face it, bagels have holes, why shouldn't they be served the whole day? It's gonna be huge, be on the lookout.
No disrespect to Chesapeake, Einstein Bros, Manhattan Bagel and the like, but I've never been one to follow the crowd without reason or rhyme. Bagels are awesome.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
High School Yearbooks
Its been a while. Don't hate the player, hate the casenote. Well, right back to it then I guess.
In the house projects I've been involved with since I got home, I recently discovered my old high school yearbooks. Looking back through what people signed was an excellent, hilarious experience. If you have old yearbooks somewhere, I'd highly recommend it. I thought I might share some.
Two disclaimers
1) I went to a science and tech high school. We were big nerds.
2) My nickname in high school was Chipee. I apparently both looked and sounded like a chipmunk.
3) We had a pool table in our senior lounge. I played. A lot.
-"You damn chipmunk, next matball game you'll feel my rage. I will make sure you have rubber marks on the side of your head so bad you'll have to get skin grafts. Have a nice summer :-) AND SLEEP LIGHTLY"
-"Yo JT Sorry, But I'm getting off the bus soon so I'll have to keep this short. You're pretty cool for a chipmunk. That's about it. CYA next year."
-"Yup, Chipee, if anyone can take the verbal abuse I gave, it was you. Sorry I said you were a squirrel. CYA next year."
-"Hello, I'm signing this for the second time, which is entirely pointless because I have nothing to say. Weeee!"
-"It's a moose. Get it?" (This was next to a picture of a moose that looked like...well...something else)
-"JT, Have a Tall summer."
-"Hey JT, you seemed to lose a lot of money this year. You've got a problem, and we can get you help. Never go to Vegas."
-"Hamlet beats Moses any day! It was a lot of fun working in the snack bar with you this year. Be careful with that sword next year."
"Botcher, First the OM Team and then Team Botch. What great team will we be on next? When the world gets you down, just remember you are a midget in love. Have fun being a nanny this summer. Fight the good fight."
"JT, econ and gov were great. Botch on!"
"JT, it's ya boy Omair hittin up yo yearbook with an entry. Beyond your insane pool talent, you were Rick James and I was Charlie Murphy. Darkness! Cicada! You've been gayed! Beyond that, you were a super cool guy with an infectious smile. Good luck at W&M next year. Oops, almost wrote UVA! Peace out, your darkness brother for life. PS Word! He's allllright!"
"JT! The man who rules the pool table. Have fun becoming a sports commentator! Watch hockey, football, soccer, and cricket, become world famous, and someday kids will be playing JT Football 2034 for Playstation 8! Have fun in life."
Good times. I encourage anyone with the ability to do the same.
In the house projects I've been involved with since I got home, I recently discovered my old high school yearbooks. Looking back through what people signed was an excellent, hilarious experience. If you have old yearbooks somewhere, I'd highly recommend it. I thought I might share some.
Two disclaimers
1) I went to a science and tech high school. We were big nerds.
2) My nickname in high school was Chipee. I apparently both looked and sounded like a chipmunk.
3) We had a pool table in our senior lounge. I played. A lot.
-"You damn chipmunk, next matball game you'll feel my rage. I will make sure you have rubber marks on the side of your head so bad you'll have to get skin grafts. Have a nice summer :-) AND SLEEP LIGHTLY"
-"Yo JT Sorry, But I'm getting off the bus soon so I'll have to keep this short. You're pretty cool for a chipmunk. That's about it. CYA next year."
-"Yup, Chipee, if anyone can take the verbal abuse I gave, it was you. Sorry I said you were a squirrel. CYA next year."
-"Hello, I'm signing this for the second time, which is entirely pointless because I have nothing to say. Weeee!"
-"It's a moose. Get it?" (This was next to a picture of a moose that looked like...well...something else)
-"JT, Have a Tall summer."
-"Hey JT, you seemed to lose a lot of money this year. You've got a problem, and we can get you help. Never go to Vegas."
-"Hamlet beats Moses any day! It was a lot of fun working in the snack bar with you this year. Be careful with that sword next year."
"Botcher, First the OM Team and then Team Botch. What great team will we be on next? When the world gets you down, just remember you are a midget in love. Have fun being a nanny this summer. Fight the good fight."
"JT, econ and gov were great. Botch on!"
"JT, it's ya boy Omair hittin up yo yearbook with an entry. Beyond your insane pool talent, you were Rick James and I was Charlie Murphy. Darkness! Cicada! You've been gayed! Beyond that, you were a super cool guy with an infectious smile. Good luck at W&M next year. Oops, almost wrote UVA! Peace out, your darkness brother for life. PS Word! He's allllright!"
"JT! The man who rules the pool table. Have fun becoming a sports commentator! Watch hockey, football, soccer, and cricket, become world famous, and someday kids will be playing JT Football 2034 for Playstation 8! Have fun in life."
Good times. I encourage anyone with the ability to do the same.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
The Meatzza
Usually, when Blawegsome comes up unexpectedly, it's from one of my friends saying they stumbled across it on my facebook page. Recently, it has shown up on google searches. But the blog reached new levels of creepiness last night, when it infiltrated my dreams.
In my dream, I was at a party at a hotel, talking to a friend and my old rowing coach. My friend was describing how my last blog post was about something called "meatzza," which is apparently pizza with so many meat toppings that it ceases to be just pizza, and becomes meatzza.
I woke up 2/5 confused/weirded out and 3/5 greatly amused. A shout out to my brain, cause it managed to wad my favorite things into 1 for this dream.
1) I love multiple words condensed into one. Blog + Awesome = Blawegsome. SnugWow, Pizzly Bear, shockergasted have all made appearances, just to name a few, not to mention TrashBerg most recently. So my subconscious or wherever dreams come from gets mad props for coming up with meatzza.
2) I love piling multiple kinds of meat on my food. One of my proudest creations is the "coxswain burger" - a cheeseburger with 2 beef patties, turkey, ham, roast beef, and bacon. Transferring this concept onto a slice of pizza is only logical. Meatzza toppings will surely include pepperoni, ham, bacon, sausage, and chicken. Perhaps more.
3) My old rowing coach, RJ Montague himself, is one of the most interesting people I have encountered in my soon to be 23 years. Some people use "interesting" as a negative adjective, but that is certainly not the case here. RJM provided an unlimited supply of movie quotes, jokes, rowing inspiration, and social awkwardness that has yet to be matched or bested. A great coach and an even better guy to be around if you had the sense of humor to match. It's been far too long.
The dream has inspired me to create a meatzza. If anyone has any topping suggestions, leave a comment. I'll let you know how it turns out.
In my dream, I was at a party at a hotel, talking to a friend and my old rowing coach. My friend was describing how my last blog post was about something called "meatzza," which is apparently pizza with so many meat toppings that it ceases to be just pizza, and becomes meatzza.
I woke up 2/5 confused/weirded out and 3/5 greatly amused. A shout out to my brain, cause it managed to wad my favorite things into 1 for this dream.
1) I love multiple words condensed into one. Blog + Awesome = Blawegsome. SnugWow, Pizzly Bear, shockergasted have all made appearances, just to name a few, not to mention TrashBerg most recently. So my subconscious or wherever dreams come from gets mad props for coming up with meatzza.
2) I love piling multiple kinds of meat on my food. One of my proudest creations is the "coxswain burger" - a cheeseburger with 2 beef patties, turkey, ham, roast beef, and bacon. Transferring this concept onto a slice of pizza is only logical. Meatzza toppings will surely include pepperoni, ham, bacon, sausage, and chicken. Perhaps more.
3) My old rowing coach, RJ Montague himself, is one of the most interesting people I have encountered in my soon to be 23 years. Some people use "interesting" as a negative adjective, but that is certainly not the case here. RJM provided an unlimited supply of movie quotes, jokes, rowing inspiration, and social awkwardness that has yet to be matched or bested. A great coach and an even better guy to be around if you had the sense of humor to match. It's been far too long.
The dream has inspired me to create a meatzza. If anyone has any topping suggestions, leave a comment. I'll let you know how it turns out.
Friday, May 22, 2009
TrashBerg
Blawegsome is all about helping the people - informing you of threats to your well being. I recently posted a warning to society about the threats aliens pose. But is there a bigger threat out there? Something closer to home? Something already massive in size and growing by the day? Put on your hard hats, cause the answer to all of those is a resounding "YES"
I speak, of course, of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, or as I like to call it, TrashBerg. In the Pacific Ocean, ocean currents form the North pacific Gyre, basically a massive whirlpool. Over time, trash has accumulated in the gyre. And when I say trash, here is what I mean. The collection of trash bags, bottles, and other plastics has accumulated to be OVER TWICE THE SIZE OF TEXAS and 30 FEET DEEP. No joke. Ever wondered where your trash goes?
Q: Ok, big deal. How much bigger can it get?
A: Correct. Big deal. The gyre, the area where the pile is growing, is about twice the size of the continental United States. So yeah, it can get a lot bigger.
Q: Why should I care? It's just trash?
A: Glad you asked. Suppose I told you that right now a death-mongering monster is growing in the middle of the 30-foot deep, twice-the-size-of-Texas pile of trash. Is that a ridiculous statement. Perhaps. Can you prove me wrong? No. For more, see my upcoming screenplay, where a monster grows made of trash and the human race is destroyed by its own waste. Ironic? Yes. And awesome. and that's just the tip of the TrashBerg. Humans are wiped out, and the aliens show up to find no humans, only a giant flesh-eating monster and a entry ticket into an epic showdown. Aliens v. TrashBerg Monster. The title of the screenplay? "Wasted Planet" In theatres Summer 2012.
Q: Wait, isn't plastic recyclable? Can't we just recycle it?
A: Into what? TrashBerg Monster 2.0? Are you crazy!!??!
Q: You're monster theory is a little too Hollywood for me. How is this plastic really gonna affect me?
A: Fine, but don't come crying to me when TrashBerg Monster comes knocking on your door. Here's something you might be concerned with though. The plastic that's been there for a while disintegrates, and eventually becomes small enough for fish to ingest. Think it's fun for a fish to digest plastic? How about when that fish eats the plastic, gets caught, and ends up on your plate blackened with tartar sauce and hush puppies for 12.95? Enjoy chewing on that piece of TrashBerg my friend.
But seriously, watch out for the monster.
For some info on TrashBerg, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Pacific_Garbage_Patch and the related links.
I speak, of course, of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, or as I like to call it, TrashBerg. In the Pacific Ocean, ocean currents form the North pacific Gyre, basically a massive whirlpool. Over time, trash has accumulated in the gyre. And when I say trash, here is what I mean. The collection of trash bags, bottles, and other plastics has accumulated to be OVER TWICE THE SIZE OF TEXAS and 30 FEET DEEP. No joke. Ever wondered where your trash goes?
Q: Ok, big deal. How much bigger can it get?
A: Correct. Big deal. The gyre, the area where the pile is growing, is about twice the size of the continental United States. So yeah, it can get a lot bigger.
Q: Why should I care? It's just trash?
A: Glad you asked. Suppose I told you that right now a death-mongering monster is growing in the middle of the 30-foot deep, twice-the-size-of-Texas pile of trash. Is that a ridiculous statement. Perhaps. Can you prove me wrong? No. For more, see my upcoming screenplay, where a monster grows made of trash and the human race is destroyed by its own waste. Ironic? Yes. And awesome. and that's just the tip of the TrashBerg. Humans are wiped out, and the aliens show up to find no humans, only a giant flesh-eating monster and a entry ticket into an epic showdown. Aliens v. TrashBerg Monster. The title of the screenplay? "Wasted Planet" In theatres Summer 2012.
Q: Wait, isn't plastic recyclable? Can't we just recycle it?
A: Into what? TrashBerg Monster 2.0? Are you crazy!!??!
Q: You're monster theory is a little too Hollywood for me. How is this plastic really gonna affect me?
A: Fine, but don't come crying to me when TrashBerg Monster comes knocking on your door. Here's something you might be concerned with though. The plastic that's been there for a while disintegrates, and eventually becomes small enough for fish to ingest. Think it's fun for a fish to digest plastic? How about when that fish eats the plastic, gets caught, and ends up on your plate blackened with tartar sauce and hush puppies for 12.95? Enjoy chewing on that piece of TrashBerg my friend.
But seriously, watch out for the monster.
For some info on TrashBerg, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Pacific_Garbage_Patch and the related links.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Home Sweet Home
A word to the producers of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - You should just tag along whenever I come back to my parents house. It seems like every time I come home now, there is some major renovation going on in my house. And while my parents cannot lay the stones in the shower themselves, saying they were uninvolved would be like saying Ross is a morning person, it is possible to understand every word Nick says, or Sheila is not awesome. Those things are just completely untrue.
This time, I found upon my arrival home that my parents bathroom and bedroom are being completely repainted, as is the pool. Those who know me best know I find joy in little things, and so I present...the joys of coming home:
-In choosing a color for their ceiling, my parents briefly considered "extra white." Which begs the question: What the hell is extra white? We are talking about the same white here, right? The combination of all colors in the visible spectrum? So how exactly can a color be "extra" white? If I am making cookie dough, and I make some with butter, sugar, flour, and eggs, and I decide to just put more of everything in again in the same proportions, I wont have more cookie dough flavor. I'll just have twice the cookie dough. I understand that there are a whole lot of paint colors out there (the walls of my room were colored "fortune cookie" before I wallpapered my room with sports pictures), but I just cannot get on board with this concept of a color that is "extra white" If I need to name something that is appears whiter than other white things, I call it Ryan.
-My father is not the most patient man in the world, and often works in profanity the way other artists work in oils or clay. When a large project is to be done, he will come up with how he wants things to happen, and you better be on the same page whether he explains the plan or not. Otherwise, it's welcome to 4-letter-word town. Population: 1. You. Everyone else was killed by the f-bomb that just got dropped because you flipped the mattress over the other way than he wanted to go. The pool is being opened. Yesterday, we took the cover off - quite an ordeal requiring a good deal of coordination. Perhaps even more so was folding it up today. But something was missing from the process - my father getting angry and swearing. Why? Has the old man changed in his ways? As a born and bred Indiana native this is doubtful. The solution, instead is quite simple - the presence of my girlfriend in these exhibitions. It's brilliant. All I have to do is make sure she is close by for as many "family projects" or "tasks" as possible, and the dad-censor will kick in. There will be less frustration, less swearing, and my day will be much less soul-crushing. It's a shame I didn't have a girlfriend that time I got a plastic Easter egg stuck in the furness or that time I put oil in the lawnmowers gasoline tank...
-One of the joys of coming home is getting mail that has been delivered for me. I received a letter from AT&T. The front said "An exclusive offer - just because of someone you know." The letter outlined an offer for a free phone if I switched to AT&T, and I was getting this offer because someone I know has AT&T. It is true, I do know some people who are on AT&T. Let's see...Ryan...Jill...Gregg...my mom....my sister...who am I forgetting?...oh yeah. ME. I am on AT&T. So thanks a lot, company that values my business. Maybe I can switch off of your network and then take advantage of this offer and switch back on. I wonder what would happen if I attempted to go through with this offer. I figure I could at least get to say "That's right...I'm already a member. You want any sauce with that six piece of Blau nuggets?" Sidebar: I have yet to say that phrase to an actual person. My cat just stared at me and licked herself, which was not exactly the reaction I was hoping for.
I do love coming home. Good luck to all my law friends writing this casenote. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue...
This time, I found upon my arrival home that my parents bathroom and bedroom are being completely repainted, as is the pool. Those who know me best know I find joy in little things, and so I present...the joys of coming home:
-In choosing a color for their ceiling, my parents briefly considered "extra white." Which begs the question: What the hell is extra white? We are talking about the same white here, right? The combination of all colors in the visible spectrum? So how exactly can a color be "extra" white? If I am making cookie dough, and I make some with butter, sugar, flour, and eggs, and I decide to just put more of everything in again in the same proportions, I wont have more cookie dough flavor. I'll just have twice the cookie dough. I understand that there are a whole lot of paint colors out there (the walls of my room were colored "fortune cookie" before I wallpapered my room with sports pictures), but I just cannot get on board with this concept of a color that is "extra white" If I need to name something that is appears whiter than other white things, I call it Ryan.
-My father is not the most patient man in the world, and often works in profanity the way other artists work in oils or clay. When a large project is to be done, he will come up with how he wants things to happen, and you better be on the same page whether he explains the plan or not. Otherwise, it's welcome to 4-letter-word town. Population: 1. You. Everyone else was killed by the f-bomb that just got dropped because you flipped the mattress over the other way than he wanted to go. The pool is being opened. Yesterday, we took the cover off - quite an ordeal requiring a good deal of coordination. Perhaps even more so was folding it up today. But something was missing from the process - my father getting angry and swearing. Why? Has the old man changed in his ways? As a born and bred Indiana native this is doubtful. The solution, instead is quite simple - the presence of my girlfriend in these exhibitions. It's brilliant. All I have to do is make sure she is close by for as many "family projects" or "tasks" as possible, and the dad-censor will kick in. There will be less frustration, less swearing, and my day will be much less soul-crushing. It's a shame I didn't have a girlfriend that time I got a plastic Easter egg stuck in the furness or that time I put oil in the lawnmowers gasoline tank...
-One of the joys of coming home is getting mail that has been delivered for me. I received a letter from AT&T. The front said "An exclusive offer - just because of someone you know." The letter outlined an offer for a free phone if I switched to AT&T, and I was getting this offer because someone I know has AT&T. It is true, I do know some people who are on AT&T. Let's see...Ryan...Jill...Gregg...my mom....my sister...who am I forgetting?...oh yeah. ME. I am on AT&T. So thanks a lot, company that values my business. Maybe I can switch off of your network and then take advantage of this offer and switch back on. I wonder what would happen if I attempted to go through with this offer. I figure I could at least get to say "That's right...I'm already a member. You want any sauce with that six piece of Blau nuggets?" Sidebar: I have yet to say that phrase to an actual person. My cat just stared at me and licked herself, which was not exactly the reaction I was hoping for.
I do love coming home. Good luck to all my law friends writing this casenote. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue...
Thursday, May 14, 2009
100!
This is my 100th post. That's a lot of posts. However, that number pales in comparison to the number of times I have awoken in the morning, checked my email, and been infuriated by the abomination that is SpiderBytes. My inbox is constantly flooded with information that is worthless to me. And if that wasn't enough, there's also the "in case you missed this spiderbyte..." emails sent out by faculty, and occasionally by my so-called friends in a clever rouse. Tim has really gone above and beyond in this regard, forwarding spiderbytes to my gmail account, which otherwise was a spiderbyte-free-zone, and even emailing me on a magical day when there was no spiderbytes to ask if I had received any. One day I will have my revenge, Mr. Boykin.
With the end of the school year, I was excited and saddened at the same time. But I gotta say one thing I was looking forward to was a summer free of SpiderBytes. After all, they wouldn't possibly send out a couple bits of information pertaining only to a handful of undergrads taking summer classes out to the entire UR community EVERY DAY could they? Well, a week in my fears have been realized. It appears SpiderBytes will keep coming every day this summer.
In this ongoing battle between me and my archenemy, SpiderBytes appears to have the upper hand...for now. I won't go down without a fight though. More on that later.
With the end of the school year, I was excited and saddened at the same time. But I gotta say one thing I was looking forward to was a summer free of SpiderBytes. After all, they wouldn't possibly send out a couple bits of information pertaining only to a handful of undergrads taking summer classes out to the entire UR community EVERY DAY could they? Well, a week in my fears have been realized. It appears SpiderBytes will keep coming every day this summer.
In this ongoing battle between me and my archenemy, SpiderBytes appears to have the upper hand...for now. I won't go down without a fight though. More on that later.
And we're back
Sincerest apologies for the long delay. Over the last two and a half weeks, I have (1) not had a computer and internet access, and (2) had finals. However, both those situations have now been rectified. And so we're back.
A lot to catch up on. But the first has gotta be the most recent SNL digital short, "Motherlover" Its an instant classic. If you haven't seen the link, here it is: http://www.hulu.com/watch/72434/saturday-night-live-motherlover
It stars my boy JT (Justin Timberlake) and Andy Samberg, the same guys who brought us Dick in a Box. The two have just gotten out of jail and both realize that they haven't gotten either of their mothers anything for mothers day. Well, the chorus says it all. There's some great one liners: "They'll have to rename this one All-up-under-the-covers Day" and "Imma be the syrup she can be my waffle" An instant classic, and has potentially inserted (pun intended) itself into my top 5 SNL digital short music videos. Anyway, if you haven't seen it yet, watch it, and laugh.
Next, a shout out to the makers of the new Star Trek movies. Summer is a great time for me because it means I go home and go to movies with Carolyn. Well I have no complaints kicking off my summer movie going festivities with that gem I saw tonight. It used enough from the franchise while not getting bogged down in trying to be a remake. The plotline was interesting, the action was excellent, and it moved quick enough to keep me interested.
Thats it for tonight, funny stuff to come tomorrow. Good to be back.
A lot to catch up on. But the first has gotta be the most recent SNL digital short, "Motherlover" Its an instant classic. If you haven't seen the link, here it is: http://www.hulu.com/watch/72434/saturday-night-live-motherlover
It stars my boy JT (Justin Timberlake) and Andy Samberg, the same guys who brought us Dick in a Box. The two have just gotten out of jail and both realize that they haven't gotten either of their mothers anything for mothers day. Well, the chorus says it all. There's some great one liners: "They'll have to rename this one All-up-under-the-covers Day" and "Imma be the syrup she can be my waffle" An instant classic, and has potentially inserted (pun intended) itself into my top 5 SNL digital short music videos. Anyway, if you haven't seen it yet, watch it, and laugh.
Next, a shout out to the makers of the new Star Trek movies. Summer is a great time for me because it means I go home and go to movies with Carolyn. Well I have no complaints kicking off my summer movie going festivities with that gem I saw tonight. It used enough from the franchise while not getting bogged down in trying to be a remake. The plotline was interesting, the action was excellent, and it moved quick enough to keep me interested.
Thats it for tonight, funny stuff to come tomorrow. Good to be back.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Cliches and the week that was
I despise cliches. Sometimes I go out of my way to avoid them or do the opposite. I don't pay it forward, I get money backwards. But there is one particular cliche that has me in a brutal showdown with the universe this week. "Trouble comes in threes." Allow me to explain.
On Monday, while enjoying a friendly game of basketball, I stepped into the lane to defend a drive. My nose was met with a large elbow (accidental) and began bleeding profusely. A precautionary trip to the doctor showed nothing too serious, but the game ended and a night of studying went by the wayside.
On Thursday, the day before my ConLaw final, I woke up and attempted to turn on my computer. It made an extremely loud and obnoxious beeping sound for about a minute, then took me to a blank screen. I rebooted and tried again, with the same result. I got on the phone and called HP. They said they could fix it, but I would have to send it in. I was left with my 5-year old, loud, slow, dinosaur of a "laptop" that cannot connect to the Internet. I had to go the Best Buy, buy something that could pull data off my hard drive, load that onto my external hard drive, load some of those files onto my old laptop, then take the old laptop to my carrel and try to install the new printer software on it. While I guess it all worked out, a solid 6 hours of the day were lost.
Trouble comes in threes, so there is one more bad thing coming (that's if you don't count my conlaw exam...eeeee....). The universe has been firing for sure. On Saturday, I narrowly escaped getting hit by a car while crossing the street. Some guy decided to peel out into the middle of the street while I was crossing. I did what I'm sure was an amusing run/hop to avoid him by about 6 inches. Avoided. I got an email today that some tax forms for a job didn't go through because of a "processing error" and I have to do them again. Not serious enough to be the third thing. You're gonna have to do better than that, big guy.
No doubt amused by all of this is my friend Kimi. During undergrad, good/lucky things happened to me a lot. More than they should have. Kimi was always flabbergasted at how I could be so lucky, and the jerk that I am I made sure to let her know every time something happened. So Kimi I am sure you are laughing now, and you know what that's alright. I would say "what goes around comes around," but that is a cliche, and so I am against it. I'll borrow a phrase from Rasheed: Ball don't lie.
That's all for now. Perhaps more to come later. Three finals this week, so no promises. Good luck to all my TC-Dub friends with law finals, and to all my WM friends with regular finals.
Universe: Bring it on.
On Monday, while enjoying a friendly game of basketball, I stepped into the lane to defend a drive. My nose was met with a large elbow (accidental) and began bleeding profusely. A precautionary trip to the doctor showed nothing too serious, but the game ended and a night of studying went by the wayside.
On Thursday, the day before my ConLaw final, I woke up and attempted to turn on my computer. It made an extremely loud and obnoxious beeping sound for about a minute, then took me to a blank screen. I rebooted and tried again, with the same result. I got on the phone and called HP. They said they could fix it, but I would have to send it in. I was left with my 5-year old, loud, slow, dinosaur of a "laptop" that cannot connect to the Internet. I had to go the Best Buy, buy something that could pull data off my hard drive, load that onto my external hard drive, load some of those files onto my old laptop, then take the old laptop to my carrel and try to install the new printer software on it. While I guess it all worked out, a solid 6 hours of the day were lost.
Trouble comes in threes, so there is one more bad thing coming (that's if you don't count my conlaw exam...eeeee....). The universe has been firing for sure. On Saturday, I narrowly escaped getting hit by a car while crossing the street. Some guy decided to peel out into the middle of the street while I was crossing. I did what I'm sure was an amusing run/hop to avoid him by about 6 inches. Avoided. I got an email today that some tax forms for a job didn't go through because of a "processing error" and I have to do them again. Not serious enough to be the third thing. You're gonna have to do better than that, big guy.
No doubt amused by all of this is my friend Kimi. During undergrad, good/lucky things happened to me a lot. More than they should have. Kimi was always flabbergasted at how I could be so lucky, and the jerk that I am I made sure to let her know every time something happened. So Kimi I am sure you are laughing now, and you know what that's alright. I would say "what goes around comes around," but that is a cliche, and so I am against it. I'll borrow a phrase from Rasheed: Ball don't lie.
That's all for now. Perhaps more to come later. Three finals this week, so no promises. Good luck to all my TC-Dub friends with law finals, and to all my WM friends with regular finals.
Universe: Bring it on.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Lack of posting
A note to all: On Thursday my computer died. It will not turn on, and is being sent back to HP. As a result, I have no internet, so don't expect a lot of new posts for the next two weeks or so. I'll do my best, but no promises.
Much love,
Tizzle
Much love,
Tizzle
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Internet is Down Email? Really?
Today I was sitting in my carrel when I noticed the Internet was no longer working. If you use outlook, you know "all folders are up to date" changes to "this folder was last updated at..." About 45 minutes later the Internet was working again. I then received an email, sent some time ago that informed me the Internet was out. About an hour later, I got another email telling me the Internet was back up.
I gotta question this system. When the Internet is down, what is the purpose of sending an email that says that? By the time anyone gets it, the Internet will be back up. People who will get it right away are off campus, and thus not using the campus Internet. Also, I don't need an email that says the Internet is back up. That was accomplished by my receiving the first email. It's about as useful as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
Here's what I propose. When the Internet goes down, send an email that says "The Internet has been restored. Sorry about that." People will get it when the Internet comes back on. People off campus will be like "Oh. I guess the Internet over there was down. Sucks for them." No one is harmed by this scenario.
Shout out to everyone who came out to ball tonight. Good times and some much needed time outside.
I gotta question this system. When the Internet is down, what is the purpose of sending an email that says that? By the time anyone gets it, the Internet will be back up. People who will get it right away are off campus, and thus not using the campus Internet. Also, I don't need an email that says the Internet is back up. That was accomplished by my receiving the first email. It's about as useful as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
Here's what I propose. When the Internet goes down, send an email that says "The Internet has been restored. Sorry about that." People will get it when the Internet comes back on. People off campus will be like "Oh. I guess the Internet over there was down. Sucks for them." No one is harmed by this scenario.
Shout out to everyone who came out to ball tonight. Good times and some much needed time outside.
Friday, April 24, 2009
The Punisher's Survival Guide
I came across a recent publication written by someone we all know and love - The Punisher. The Punisher is a man of the people, always looking to help out a friend in need. And so despite his busy finals schedule, he recently developed "The Punisher's Survival Handbook: How To Get Out Of Sticky Situations Like A BAMF." It offers step by step instructions for various situations. Follow them, and you will not only escape from your predicament, but maintain maximum awesome points in doing so.
Here's a few excerpts from The Punisher's Survival Handbook
Scenario: You are lost in the woods, on the brink of starvation
The Punisher says
1. Find an animal
2. Kill it and eat it
3. Keep walking until you get out of the woods
Scenario: You are underwater, in danger of drowning
The Punisher says:
1. Swim Up
Scenario: You break a leg on top of a mountain
The Punisher says:
1. Cut off the bad leg
2. Grow a new leg
3. Walk down the mountain.
Scenario: You are thrown out of a plane at 20,000 feet
The Punisher says:
1. Keep falling
2. Land
3. Walk it off
Scenario: You owe a mob boss $100,000. Someone shows you a case with $100,000 cash and a gallon of milk and says "If you drink this, I will give you this money." You are lactose intolerant.
The Punisher says:
1. Roundhouse kick that person
2. Take the money
3. Pay your debt
Scenario: You are choking. Someone will only give you the Heimlich if you aint trickin.
The Punisher says:
1. Get it.
2. Receive the Heimlich, cause it aint trickin if you got it.
Scenario: You are charged with murder and convicted based primarily on circumstantial evidence. You are sentenced to two life sentences in prison.
The Punisher says:
1. Befriend the prison's main suppler
2. Ask for a rock hammer and a poster
3. Assist the warden in tax fraud, wiring money to a straw man on the outside
4. Dig a tunnel out of your jail cell, covering the hole with posters
5. Sprinkle the dug out concrete around the jail yard
6. Crawl out and through the pipes to freedom
7. Assume the identity of the straw man you created and escape town with all the money.
The full guide offers many more situations, and detailed step-by-step solutions.
Critics are raving about The Punisher's Guide:
"It's everything I ever wanted in a book, and more! I'm so happy!" -Ms. Huer, USATODAY
"I can't complain about this book, and I can usually complain about pretty much anything." -E.D. Bender, Half Empty Glasses Magazine
"Have you seen pictures of my puppy?" -Ms. Malizio, The Washington Post
"I give it 5 stars. You can only get 7. Only time you can get 7 is if I slept with you. So 5 is excellent!" -50 Cent
"I was disappointed, I was hoping for something about how to make it to more flag football games on time, but was left out to dry." -Mr. Woodson, Author of "Where is Orlando?"
"Gucci!" -Mr. Haywood, UNC Alum
"Hey-ooooooooooooo! PAC FRAT Number 1! Go Spiders! Jello! WOOOOO!" -Someone sprinting by strongly resembling Mr. Boykin
"It even had something for what to do if you have to walk through a door and you will die if you duck. I was impressed." -Mr. Hoyle, Tall Man's Magazine
"Sorry, could you repeat the question? I couldn't hear you over my squeaking shoes..." -Mr. Shannon, a firm believer that the Mets will not choke this year...like they did last year...and the year before that...
So get out there and pick up your copy today!
Here's a few excerpts from The Punisher's Survival Handbook
Scenario: You are lost in the woods, on the brink of starvation
The Punisher says
1. Find an animal
2. Kill it and eat it
3. Keep walking until you get out of the woods
Scenario: You are underwater, in danger of drowning
The Punisher says:
1. Swim Up
Scenario: You break a leg on top of a mountain
The Punisher says:
1. Cut off the bad leg
2. Grow a new leg
3. Walk down the mountain.
Scenario: You are thrown out of a plane at 20,000 feet
The Punisher says:
1. Keep falling
2. Land
3. Walk it off
Scenario: You owe a mob boss $100,000. Someone shows you a case with $100,000 cash and a gallon of milk and says "If you drink this, I will give you this money." You are lactose intolerant.
The Punisher says:
1. Roundhouse kick that person
2. Take the money
3. Pay your debt
Scenario: You are choking. Someone will only give you the Heimlich if you aint trickin.
The Punisher says:
1. Get it.
2. Receive the Heimlich, cause it aint trickin if you got it.
Scenario: You are charged with murder and convicted based primarily on circumstantial evidence. You are sentenced to two life sentences in prison.
The Punisher says:
1. Befriend the prison's main suppler
2. Ask for a rock hammer and a poster
3. Assist the warden in tax fraud, wiring money to a straw man on the outside
4. Dig a tunnel out of your jail cell, covering the hole with posters
5. Sprinkle the dug out concrete around the jail yard
6. Crawl out and through the pipes to freedom
7. Assume the identity of the straw man you created and escape town with all the money.
The full guide offers many more situations, and detailed step-by-step solutions.
Critics are raving about The Punisher's Guide:
"It's everything I ever wanted in a book, and more! I'm so happy!" -Ms. Huer, USATODAY
"I can't complain about this book, and I can usually complain about pretty much anything." -E.D. Bender, Half Empty Glasses Magazine
"Have you seen pictures of my puppy?" -Ms. Malizio, The Washington Post
"I give it 5 stars. You can only get 7. Only time you can get 7 is if I slept with you. So 5 is excellent!" -50 Cent
"I was disappointed, I was hoping for something about how to make it to more flag football games on time, but was left out to dry." -Mr. Woodson, Author of "Where is Orlando?"
"Gucci!" -Mr. Haywood, UNC Alum
"Hey-ooooooooooooo! PAC FRAT Number 1! Go Spiders! Jello! WOOOOO!" -Someone sprinting by strongly resembling Mr. Boykin
"It even had something for what to do if you have to walk through a door and you will die if you duck. I was impressed." -Mr. Hoyle, Tall Man's Magazine
"Sorry, could you repeat the question? I couldn't hear you over my squeaking shoes..." -Mr. Shannon, a firm believer that the Mets will not choke this year...like they did last year...and the year before that...
So get out there and pick up your copy today!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Spider Snuggies?
Athena sent me this story today about a forthcoming development for Snuggies. http://www.cnbc.com/id/30350785?__source=RSS*blog*&par=RSS.
Snuggies will now be available with college logos on them. Because nothing says school spirit like keeping your hands free while wearing a soft warm blanket. In the Snuggie commercial, they show parents out in the stands cheering for their child wearing the Snuggie, so I think that is the idea here. Personally, I think it's a great idea. They're sales should increase a lot. But I have to say my enthusiasm can only go so far.
According to the article, they will be made only for "big sports schools like Michigan, North Carolina, and Texas" Sadly, I can't foresee William and Mary or Richmond being included in such a group.
Some time ago, I would have simply accepted this as the way it has to be and moved on. But I have to say strange things have been happening. Professor Berryhill let us out 40 minutes early from class, instead of his usual practice of keeping us at least 5 minutes over. Ryan "White Lightning" Shannon chased down a runner in a recent softball game. There's no rational explanation of how these things are happening. They just are. Times are changing, and this is America, where we complain and complain until something happens, and if it doesn't we eat a Big Mac. And so while in the past I may have chosen to sit back and be jealous of others with logo'd Snuggies, I say it's time to put democracy into action!
I have contacted All-Star Marketing, the marketers of the Snuggie, and laid out a case for why they should make a Richmond Spiders Snuggie, and implored them to do so. I expect to hear back soon with their answer. More details to come later when I hear back from them (hopefully tomorrow). Stay tuned.
Snuggies will now be available with college logos on them. Because nothing says school spirit like keeping your hands free while wearing a soft warm blanket. In the Snuggie commercial, they show parents out in the stands cheering for their child wearing the Snuggie, so I think that is the idea here. Personally, I think it's a great idea. They're sales should increase a lot. But I have to say my enthusiasm can only go so far.
According to the article, they will be made only for "big sports schools like Michigan, North Carolina, and Texas" Sadly, I can't foresee William and Mary or Richmond being included in such a group.
Some time ago, I would have simply accepted this as the way it has to be and moved on. But I have to say strange things have been happening. Professor Berryhill let us out 40 minutes early from class, instead of his usual practice of keeping us at least 5 minutes over. Ryan "White Lightning" Shannon chased down a runner in a recent softball game. There's no rational explanation of how these things are happening. They just are. Times are changing, and this is America, where we complain and complain until something happens, and if it doesn't we eat a Big Mac. And so while in the past I may have chosen to sit back and be jealous of others with logo'd Snuggies, I say it's time to put democracy into action!
I have contacted All-Star Marketing, the marketers of the Snuggie, and laid out a case for why they should make a Richmond Spiders Snuggie, and implored them to do so. I expect to hear back soon with their answer. More details to come later when I hear back from them (hopefully tomorrow). Stay tuned.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Aliens
I am a big fan of conspiracy theories. So when I saw this doozy on CNN today, I was happier than Barney playing laser tag. (Sidenote: Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky! continues to be one of my favorite lines of the series) The link: http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/04/20/ufo.conference/index.html?iref=mpstoryview
Apparently a former astronaut has come out and said that there is life out there besides humans. He has been hushed by the US and other governments but did not want to die with this secret. He says "there is really no doubt we are being visited." This guy grew up in Roswell, New Mexico. While most might say that probably hurts his credibility, I'm gonna say it helps it. If I'm gonna listen to someone who says the government is hushing people up, I want it to be someone who has been hushed up their whole life.
This is awesome. I can think of nothing cooler than running into an alien. but I probably shouldn't get my hopes up. I mean, if aliens are going to make contact, they'll probably go to the leaders to do it, right? WRONG! A woman in England met an alien whilst walking her dog. She encountered a man with a "Scandinavian-type accent" who was wearing "flying suit style outfit." She apparently spoke with him for 10 minutes before running home, then seeing a large glowing object rise vertically near some trees.
Personally, I am convinced. The aliens need to come to our planet to gather intelligence, but they don't want to lose the element of surprise. So put yourself in their shoes (if they even wear shoes) - do you go to high ranking officials? No, you go to people who could easily fit the characterization "crazy lady." It maintains the skepticism of the masses while slowly recruiting supporters. That's right, recruiting. When they come to take over, you think that crazy lady is going to side with the government who tried to hush her up and the people who thought she was delusional? I'm thinkin no.
The British government just released archives of over 1,200 reports between 1987 and 1993. That's 1 country. 6 years. Over 1,200 potential recruits. If you think these space-homies don't know EXACTLY what they are doing, you've got another thing comin. As for me, I await my personal encounter, so I can be the first to fist-bump an extra-terrestrial. Assuming they have hands.
The link on the dog-walker: http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/03/22/uk.ufo.sightings/index.html
Apparently a former astronaut has come out and said that there is life out there besides humans. He has been hushed by the US and other governments but did not want to die with this secret. He says "there is really no doubt we are being visited." This guy grew up in Roswell, New Mexico. While most might say that probably hurts his credibility, I'm gonna say it helps it. If I'm gonna listen to someone who says the government is hushing people up, I want it to be someone who has been hushed up their whole life.
This is awesome. I can think of nothing cooler than running into an alien. but I probably shouldn't get my hopes up. I mean, if aliens are going to make contact, they'll probably go to the leaders to do it, right? WRONG! A woman in England met an alien whilst walking her dog. She encountered a man with a "Scandinavian-type accent" who was wearing "flying suit style outfit." She apparently spoke with him for 10 minutes before running home, then seeing a large glowing object rise vertically near some trees.
Personally, I am convinced. The aliens need to come to our planet to gather intelligence, but they don't want to lose the element of surprise. So put yourself in their shoes (if they even wear shoes) - do you go to high ranking officials? No, you go to people who could easily fit the characterization "crazy lady." It maintains the skepticism of the masses while slowly recruiting supporters. That's right, recruiting. When they come to take over, you think that crazy lady is going to side with the government who tried to hush her up and the people who thought she was delusional? I'm thinkin no.
The British government just released archives of over 1,200 reports between 1987 and 1993. That's 1 country. 6 years. Over 1,200 potential recruits. If you think these space-homies don't know EXACTLY what they are doing, you've got another thing comin. As for me, I await my personal encounter, so I can be the first to fist-bump an extra-terrestrial. Assuming they have hands.
The link on the dog-walker: http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/03/22/uk.ufo.sightings/index.html
WIDWIW
Fans of the blog know I give shout outs. I believe credit should be given where it is due. But sometimes people need to be taken down a couple notches. And so I present another segment of "Whatever, I Do What I Want."
Tonight's Whatever I Do What I Want Award goes to the NBA ant TNT higher-ups who put together the NBA schedule. When teams don't travel, there is absolutely no reason to give 2 FULL NIGHTS off between games. If Cleveland hosts Detroit on Saturday afternoon, and the next game is in Detroit, why is not until Tuesday night? Ok, TNT, I get that "40 games in 27 nights" is not quite as catchy as "40 games in 40 nights" but no one wants the NBA season to go til the end of June. But apparently slogans are more important. And so with the beginning of the playoffs, I look forward to the last two months of the NBA season.
Tonight's Whatever I Do What I Want Award goes to the NBA ant TNT higher-ups who put together the NBA schedule. When teams don't travel, there is absolutely no reason to give 2 FULL NIGHTS off between games. If Cleveland hosts Detroit on Saturday afternoon, and the next game is in Detroit, why is not until Tuesday night? Ok, TNT, I get that "40 games in 27 nights" is not quite as catchy as "40 games in 40 nights" but no one wants the NBA season to go til the end of June. But apparently slogans are more important. And so with the beginning of the playoffs, I look forward to the last two months of the NBA season.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Shout outs and such
Thunderstorms rollin through. CJ, now would be a good time to run any errands or get anything from your car.
Anyone here at TC-Dub should come out to watch the flag football championships on Friday night. Let's be honest, the free food and beer and wine should be enough to get you out. Our team is in the game, and it should be awesome. The all-star lineup includes
Ryan "White Lightning" Shannon
Jesse "No-Spin Zone" Roche
Orlando "Where is Orlando?" Woodson
Tim "Defensive Intensity" Boykin
Nick "Gay? Fine By Me" Braswell
Alex "Thank God I Don't Have to Slide in this Sport" Racketa
JT "Short...Yardage" Blau
Should be a good time no doubt.
A few shout outs
A shout out to whoever it was who posted the youtube video about the SnugWow in the comments of the last post. Excellent find.
Another shout out to Hornbook for her new facebook group, "How to know if you're a part of the T.C. Williams Class of '11." Hilarious. If you haven't joined yet, you should do so.
A third goes to Richard, for making me laugh for a solid 3 minutes straight at dinner tonight.
More to come tonight.
Anyone here at TC-Dub should come out to watch the flag football championships on Friday night. Let's be honest, the free food and beer and wine should be enough to get you out. Our team is in the game, and it should be awesome. The all-star lineup includes
Ryan "White Lightning" Shannon
Jesse "No-Spin Zone" Roche
Orlando "Where is Orlando?" Woodson
Tim "Defensive Intensity" Boykin
Nick "Gay? Fine By Me" Braswell
Alex "Thank God I Don't Have to Slide in this Sport" Racketa
JT "Short...Yardage" Blau
Should be a good time no doubt.
A few shout outs
A shout out to whoever it was who posted the youtube video about the SnugWow in the comments of the last post. Excellent find.
Another shout out to Hornbook for her new facebook group, "How to know if you're a part of the T.C. Williams Class of '11." Hilarious. If you haven't joined yet, you should do so.
A third goes to Richard, for making me laugh for a solid 3 minutes straight at dinner tonight.
More to come tonight.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
The SnugWow
Sometimes wishes come true. Sometimes they do not. I wish I could take credit for this next idea, because it is AMAZING. But I cannot rightfully do so. In a related story, Cate is a genius.
For a while now I have been pushing for the Snuggie and the ShamWow to be marketed together. Both products are amazing and people should have them both. But Cate rocked my world last night with something even better. The SnugWow. Why have both when you can combine the two? A Snuggie made with ShamWows. It's perfect. My Snuggie is amazing, but it cannot clean spills instantly and hold ten times its weight in liquid. My ShamWow blitzes through spills like Brian Urlacher versus an offensive line of bunny rabbits, but alas it cannot keep me warm and comfortable while allowing my hands to not be trapped inside. A product that could do BOTH??!?!?! It better come with an attorney to write my will, so I can die a happy man.
The idea was brought up at a party last night, to which I wore my Snuggie. I wanted to do a little test for the forthcoming Snuggie Bar Crawl. It is a bit long to wear standing up, and I would like it to close around the back. Those should be pretty easy alterations to make. I'm pretty excited. The SnugWow would be especially good for such social events with drinks involved.
For a while now I have been pushing for the Snuggie and the ShamWow to be marketed together. Both products are amazing and people should have them both. But Cate rocked my world last night with something even better. The SnugWow. Why have both when you can combine the two? A Snuggie made with ShamWows. It's perfect. My Snuggie is amazing, but it cannot clean spills instantly and hold ten times its weight in liquid. My ShamWow blitzes through spills like Brian Urlacher versus an offensive line of bunny rabbits, but alas it cannot keep me warm and comfortable while allowing my hands to not be trapped inside. A product that could do BOTH??!?!?! It better come with an attorney to write my will, so I can die a happy man.
The idea was brought up at a party last night, to which I wore my Snuggie. I wanted to do a little test for the forthcoming Snuggie Bar Crawl. It is a bit long to wear standing up, and I would like it to close around the back. Those should be pretty easy alterations to make. I'm pretty excited. The SnugWow would be especially good for such social events with drinks involved.
Friday, April 17, 2009
COLBERT
Today's shout out goes to Stephen Colbert. This requires a little bit of backstory. In early March, NASA announced that they would let the public name their new space node (basically a new room for the international space station). They set up the voting so people could pick one of 4 suggested names like Serenity or Tranquility, or suggest their own. When Colbert found out about the contest, he went on his show and asked all his followers to vote "Colbert" for the name of the node.
For those who don't know, the Colbert Nation is a force to be reckoned with. Within hours, it was the number 1 other suggestion. When voting ended on March 20th, Colbert led all names with over 230,000 votes. Second place was one of NASA's names with 190,000. A whoopin to say the least. But NASA still reserved the right to name it whatever they wanted.
The wait began. Congressman and celebrities gave their opinions. The final decision was announced on Tuesday night on The Colbert Report. NASA has decided to name the node "Tranquility." It was also announced that the new space-treadmill going up to be in the node will be called the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill, or the COLBERT. This is the patch for the COLBERT. As far as I know, this is official, NASA certified, not a joke.
The Shout Out goes to Colbert for his not being mad and embracing the naming of the treadmill. It was clearly a consolation prize by NASA, but you couldn't tell from Colbert's reaction. As part of the Nation, I'm proud of what we did, but Stephen deserves credit for putting on a good face and happily accepting the treadmill.
For those who don't know, the Colbert Nation is a force to be reckoned with. Within hours, it was the number 1 other suggestion. When voting ended on March 20th, Colbert led all names with over 230,000 votes. Second place was one of NASA's names with 190,000. A whoopin to say the least. But NASA still reserved the right to name it whatever they wanted.
The wait began. Congressman and celebrities gave their opinions. The final decision was announced on Tuesday night on The Colbert Report. NASA has decided to name the node "Tranquility." It was also announced that the new space-treadmill going up to be in the node will be called the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill, or the COLBERT. This is the patch for the COLBERT. As far as I know, this is official, NASA certified, not a joke.
The Shout Out goes to Colbert for his not being mad and embracing the naming of the treadmill. It was clearly a consolation prize by NASA, but you couldn't tell from Colbert's reaction. As part of the Nation, I'm proud of what we did, but Stephen deserves credit for putting on a good face and happily accepting the treadmill.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Save the Whales...And Money
For tonight's money saving tip, I'll relate the story of my coffee maker. A few of you may have heard this one. I assure you all details are accurate.
Over the summer, while I was in Williamsburg, I received some "junk mail." In said mail was an ad for a subscription coffee service called Gevalia. Gevalia produces high quality gourmet coffee. They send 2 pounds of coffee to a subscriber every month in exchange for a monthly payment of roughly $33. The initial offer, however was for one pound of coffee plus a $99 coffee maker for 14.95. If for any reason you didn't like the coffee, you could cancel any future subscription and keep the coffee AND the coffee maker.
I decided this was a pretty sweet offer. I went online and placed an order. A couple weeks later, my coffee and coffee maker arrived safely. I picked up the phone, called Gevalia, and canceled my subscription. I figured I had just got a pound of good coffee and a sweet coffee maker for $14.95. But the story continues...
A month later I log onto my bank account website and find a $33 dollar charge from Gevalia. Confused, I call their customer service people. I tell a woman there that I have already cancelled my subscription and shouldn't be getting charged. She pulls up my account and says for some reason, the cancellation did not go through. She tells me the $33 charge will be refunded, so I won't have to pay that. Then, she tells me another shipment of coffee is in transit, but don't bother returning it.
Sure enough, the next day two more pounds of coffee arrive at my door, and I get a $33 credit to my account from Gevalia. Unfortunately for me, they got it right the second time.
The final count:
3 pounds of gourmet coffee
1 $99 coffee maker
Amount paid: $14.95
This has been a Tizzle Tip for the Economy
Over the summer, while I was in Williamsburg, I received some "junk mail." In said mail was an ad for a subscription coffee service called Gevalia. Gevalia produces high quality gourmet coffee. They send 2 pounds of coffee to a subscriber every month in exchange for a monthly payment of roughly $33. The initial offer, however was for one pound of coffee plus a $99 coffee maker for 14.95. If for any reason you didn't like the coffee, you could cancel any future subscription and keep the coffee AND the coffee maker.
I decided this was a pretty sweet offer. I went online and placed an order. A couple weeks later, my coffee and coffee maker arrived safely. I picked up the phone, called Gevalia, and canceled my subscription. I figured I had just got a pound of good coffee and a sweet coffee maker for $14.95. But the story continues...
A month later I log onto my bank account website and find a $33 dollar charge from Gevalia. Confused, I call their customer service people. I tell a woman there that I have already cancelled my subscription and shouldn't be getting charged. She pulls up my account and says for some reason, the cancellation did not go through. She tells me the $33 charge will be refunded, so I won't have to pay that. Then, she tells me another shipment of coffee is in transit, but don't bother returning it.
Sure enough, the next day two more pounds of coffee arrive at my door, and I get a $33 credit to my account from Gevalia. Unfortunately for me, they got it right the second time.
The final count:
3 pounds of gourmet coffee
1 $99 coffee maker
Amount paid: $14.95
This has been a Tizzle Tip for the Economy
Monday, April 13, 2009
Shout out
A shout out to Dimitri Martin, for his excellent handling of a woman who was talking way too much. Here's how it went down
Woman: "(long story...) my boyfriend just bought skydiving lessons."
Dimitri: "Really?"
Woman: "Yeah!"
Dimitri: "What's your name?"
Woman: "Catherine"
Dimitri: "Oh, is that with a C or a K or a S-H-U-T-U-P?"
Crowd: laughter and applause
It was excellent. And a great show overall.
Woman: "(long story...) my boyfriend just bought skydiving lessons."
Dimitri: "Really?"
Woman: "Yeah!"
Dimitri: "What's your name?"
Woman: "Catherine"
Dimitri: "Oh, is that with a C or a K or a S-H-U-T-U-P?"
Crowd: laughter and applause
It was excellent. And a great show overall.
Celebrity Products
Celebrity endorsements are everywhere. Some are amusing and successful (George Foreman Grills). Others are annoying (if I see one more commercial about Chris Paul's pits...). The fact is having a famous person endorse your product will send sales through the roof. The great part about celebrities is that they also get known for catchphrases. There's a whole market out there waiting to be tapped into. And so another list is born: My future/should be celebrity-endorsed products
-50 Cent's Workout Video: "Get Skinny or Die Tryin'"*
-Ludacris' Leftover-saving Tupperware: "Tonight Damn Right I Might Eat It Again!"
-Allen Iverson's Bar Review Course: "Not a Game...We Talkin' About Practice: A New Lawyer's Guide to Preparing to Practice."
-Rasheed Wallace's Pregnancy Test: "Balls Don't Lie."
-Jeff Probst's Learn-a-language software: "The Tribe Has Spoken: Now Understand Them."
-Professor Berryhill's Beginner's Cookbook: "Is a Pig's Butt Pork?"
-Donald Trump's Hypnosis Tapes: "You're Tired"
I'll try to think of some more good ones. If you've got one, leave a comment!
*just for the record, I don't buy into those ever being two choices a person should have
-50 Cent's Workout Video: "Get Skinny or Die Tryin'"*
-Ludacris' Leftover-saving Tupperware: "Tonight Damn Right I Might Eat It Again!"
-Allen Iverson's Bar Review Course: "Not a Game...We Talkin' About Practice: A New Lawyer's Guide to Preparing to Practice."
-Rasheed Wallace's Pregnancy Test: "Balls Don't Lie."
-Jeff Probst's Learn-a-language software: "The Tribe Has Spoken: Now Understand Them."
-Professor Berryhill's Beginner's Cookbook: "Is a Pig's Butt Pork?"
-Donald Trump's Hypnosis Tapes: "You're Tired"
I'll try to think of some more good ones. If you've got one, leave a comment!
*just for the record, I don't buy into those ever being two choices a person should have
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Snuggie vs Girlfriend
Preface: I love my girlfriend. She is awesome, and assured me she wouldn't get mad about this post. She even came up with some of them.
I present my top 15 Reasons why my Snuggie is Better Than my Girlfriend
1. My Snuggie accepts me for who I am.
2. My Snuggie doesn't steal the covers, she is the covers.
3. My Snuggie never gives me the cold shoulder, she always keeps me warm.
4. My Snuggie lets me watch Sportscenter without complaining.
5. I don't have to take my Snuggie out to dinner (but I could...).
6. My Snuggie always hugs me, no matter what I say.
7. My Snuggie does what I tell it to.
8. I don't have to call my Snuggie every night.
9. I don't have to tell my Snuggie I love her, she knows without question.
10. My Snuggie never says "fine" when she actually means "no."
11. My Snuggie never asks a question when she is looking for a specific answer.
12. My Snuggie wouldn't get mad if I used another blanket.
13. My Snuggie was made in China.
14. My Snuggie came with a Free reading light.
15. My Snuggie doesn't hate the fact that I own a Snuggie.
I present my top 15 Reasons why my Snuggie is Better Than my Girlfriend
1. My Snuggie accepts me for who I am.
2. My Snuggie doesn't steal the covers, she is the covers.
3. My Snuggie never gives me the cold shoulder, she always keeps me warm.
4. My Snuggie lets me watch Sportscenter without complaining.
5. I don't have to take my Snuggie out to dinner (but I could...).
6. My Snuggie always hugs me, no matter what I say.
7. My Snuggie does what I tell it to.
8. I don't have to call my Snuggie every night.
9. I don't have to tell my Snuggie I love her, she knows without question.
10. My Snuggie never says "fine" when she actually means "no."
11. My Snuggie never asks a question when she is looking for a specific answer.
12. My Snuggie wouldn't get mad if I used another blanket.
13. My Snuggie was made in China.
14. My Snuggie came with a Free reading light.
15. My Snuggie doesn't hate the fact that I own a Snuggie.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Whatever, I Do What I Want Double
It's time for another edition of "Whatever, I Do What I Want!" Tonight is actually a double edition.
The first "Whatever, I Do What I Want" award goes to professional athletes who drink and drive. Really? You make millions of dollars a year and you can't afford to take a cab? or have someone drive you? If I were capable of hate, I could despise someone an awful lot, but if they said "drive me home and I'll give you $250," I'd be behind that wheel like a 15 year old with errands to run. You KNOW you are gonna be in the news if you get caught. And suspensions are gonna cost you a heck of a lot more than a cab ride that's for sure. It amazes me how much this happens and continues to happen.
Which brings me to my second "Whatever, I Do What I Want" award. It goes to my beloved franchise, the Cincinnati Bengals. As a bengals fan I've gone through more than my fair share of dark days in recent years. The Carson Palmer injuries, the Chad Johnson drama, the complete and utter lack of defense, and so on and so on. But I gotta say these guys have to some of the dumbest out there with the trouble they get into off the field. In 2006, nine players were arrested and/or suspended. That happens to be more wins than we had that year. 4 more issues the following season, some involving the same guys.
Ok, obviously, the franchise is in need of some sort of PR miracle. Maybe some time without any incidents. It was looking so good...until today, when one of our cornerbacks got pulled over for DRUNK DRIVING. Leon Hall blew a .149. That's almost twice the legal limit. Way to go. I love the article too: "Hall is the first Bengals player to face criminal charges in nearly a year." Like it's some kind of accomplishment. What you want, a cookie? So tonight my fingers are crossed for my players staying out of jail, and people everywhere to stop driving drunk. Call a cab, homes.
The first "Whatever, I Do What I Want" award goes to professional athletes who drink and drive. Really? You make millions of dollars a year and you can't afford to take a cab? or have someone drive you? If I were capable of hate, I could despise someone an awful lot, but if they said "drive me home and I'll give you $250," I'd be behind that wheel like a 15 year old with errands to run. You KNOW you are gonna be in the news if you get caught. And suspensions are gonna cost you a heck of a lot more than a cab ride that's for sure. It amazes me how much this happens and continues to happen.
Which brings me to my second "Whatever, I Do What I Want" award. It goes to my beloved franchise, the Cincinnati Bengals. As a bengals fan I've gone through more than my fair share of dark days in recent years. The Carson Palmer injuries, the Chad Johnson drama, the complete and utter lack of defense, and so on and so on. But I gotta say these guys have to some of the dumbest out there with the trouble they get into off the field. In 2006, nine players were arrested and/or suspended. That happens to be more wins than we had that year. 4 more issues the following season, some involving the same guys.
Ok, obviously, the franchise is in need of some sort of PR miracle. Maybe some time without any incidents. It was looking so good...until today, when one of our cornerbacks got pulled over for DRUNK DRIVING. Leon Hall blew a .149. That's almost twice the legal limit. Way to go. I love the article too: "Hall is the first Bengals player to face criminal charges in nearly a year." Like it's some kind of accomplishment. What you want, a cookie? So tonight my fingers are crossed for my players staying out of jail, and people everywhere to stop driving drunk. Call a cab, homes.
Hodge Podge
Ok, lots to catch up on.
First off, if you're a fan of the Muppets, check this out. It was hands down the best sketch from last week's SNL: http://www.hulu.com/watch/66320/saturday-night-live-muppet-bus
Snuggie update. I've gotten a lot of heat about the fact that I own a Snuggie from one particular individual who at this point shall remain nameless. But haters to the left, cause it's still awesome. I recently slept in my Snuggie for the first time. Lets just say I can toss and turn all I want and i'll still be warm. It's amazing.
To my fellow HIMYM fans, I believe the day I've been waiting for is arriving. They showed a rerun of "The Goat" on Monday, and a new episode is coming this week. Which I am taking to mean the story of the goat will be revealed! Very excited. Also curious to see how they deal with both main actresses being pregnant at the same time. Shouldn't there be some clause in their contract about that? If you watch the last new episode, you'll notice very few full body shots of Robin and Lily spends a lot of time behind a basketball rack or playing a guitar.
Fast approaching is the return of one of my all time favorite shows: Prison Break. For those unfamiliar, the show's premise began as a guy got framed for a murder and was in prison, then his brother cooked up an elaborate plan, got himself put in jail with his brother so he could break them out. After the season 1 finale, where they escape and start to run, I jokingly said "wouldn't it be great if every other season they went back to prison and had to break out again?" Well as it turns out, that's EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. Season 2, they were on the run. Season 3, back in prison. Now in Season 4, they're on the run again. Ridiculous.
I won't even begin to try to describe the intricacies of the plot. I could have a whole blog just about that. But I think it's safe to say that it deserves my 1st annual ridiculous plot twists award. With 5 episodes left, I am sad to see it go. But it is time. Who knew a show called Prison Break, where they broke out of prison in season 1, could go 4 seasons? My hat is off to those writers.
I guess that's it for now. More to come later. My man tees off tomorrow afternoon in the quest for another green jacket. He never really dominates out of the gate at Augusta, so I won't be too worried no matter what happens.
First off, if you're a fan of the Muppets, check this out. It was hands down the best sketch from last week's SNL: http://www.hulu.com/watch/66320/saturday-night-live-muppet-bus
Snuggie update. I've gotten a lot of heat about the fact that I own a Snuggie from one particular individual who at this point shall remain nameless. But haters to the left, cause it's still awesome. I recently slept in my Snuggie for the first time. Lets just say I can toss and turn all I want and i'll still be warm. It's amazing.
To my fellow HIMYM fans, I believe the day I've been waiting for is arriving. They showed a rerun of "The Goat" on Monday, and a new episode is coming this week. Which I am taking to mean the story of the goat will be revealed! Very excited. Also curious to see how they deal with both main actresses being pregnant at the same time. Shouldn't there be some clause in their contract about that? If you watch the last new episode, you'll notice very few full body shots of Robin and Lily spends a lot of time behind a basketball rack or playing a guitar.
Fast approaching is the return of one of my all time favorite shows: Prison Break. For those unfamiliar, the show's premise began as a guy got framed for a murder and was in prison, then his brother cooked up an elaborate plan, got himself put in jail with his brother so he could break them out. After the season 1 finale, where they escape and start to run, I jokingly said "wouldn't it be great if every other season they went back to prison and had to break out again?" Well as it turns out, that's EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. Season 2, they were on the run. Season 3, back in prison. Now in Season 4, they're on the run again. Ridiculous.
I won't even begin to try to describe the intricacies of the plot. I could have a whole blog just about that. But I think it's safe to say that it deserves my 1st annual ridiculous plot twists award. With 5 episodes left, I am sad to see it go. But it is time. Who knew a show called Prison Break, where they broke out of prison in season 1, could go 4 seasons? My hat is off to those writers.
I guess that's it for now. More to come later. My man tees off tomorrow afternoon in the quest for another green jacket. He never really dominates out of the gate at Augusta, so I won't be too worried no matter what happens.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
That Guy 1
House tonight really threw me. At the end of last weeks show, they had a really dramatic preview, saying "Every season there is an episode that goes beyond words. This is that episode" I have been looking forward to it since then, cause they usually don't let me down. And WOW. For those who watch and haven't seen it yet, don't worry I won't give anything away. But it is a shocker.
Tonight I'm going to start something new. I'm going to assemble a cast of characters that I encounter on a regular basis. I guess this is sort of like the Real Men of Genius, but when I actually have the time and motivation to achieve my dream of writing a screenplay, I'll look back on some of these characters and maybe they will make their way in. I call it "Don't be THAT guy"
Tonight's person is that guy at the gym working out and making sure everyone around him knows it. This is not one specific guy - it changes each time. But there is always one guy in there. If you are doing that much breathing and grunting on the treadmill, it's probably too fast. Yup, that was a great last rep you did there. Why don't you celebrate it some more? Oh, and now you're checking your pulse. Without looking at a clock. Magically? This is the guy who always looks pained, whether or not he actually is. You may know him by another name, I-don't-wipe-down-the-machine-after-I've-sweated-all-over-it Guy. Why are they always the same person?
If there is music playing, I have an iPod on, and I can still hear you from a floor up, something is wrong. I've got no problem with people exerting themselves, but try to be a little discreet about it. I don't need to know that you're feeling the burn.
Tonight I'm going to start something new. I'm going to assemble a cast of characters that I encounter on a regular basis. I guess this is sort of like the Real Men of Genius, but when I actually have the time and motivation to achieve my dream of writing a screenplay, I'll look back on some of these characters and maybe they will make their way in. I call it "Don't be THAT guy"
Tonight's person is that guy at the gym working out and making sure everyone around him knows it. This is not one specific guy - it changes each time. But there is always one guy in there. If you are doing that much breathing and grunting on the treadmill, it's probably too fast. Yup, that was a great last rep you did there. Why don't you celebrate it some more? Oh, and now you're checking your pulse. Without looking at a clock. Magically? This is the guy who always looks pained, whether or not he actually is. You may know him by another name, I-don't-wipe-down-the-machine-after-I've-sweated-all-over-it Guy. Why are they always the same person?
If there is music playing, I have an iPod on, and I can still hear you from a floor up, something is wrong. I've got no problem with people exerting themselves, but try to be a little discreet about it. I don't need to know that you're feeling the burn.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Ninja Parade
And we're back. The brief is turned in, so my apologies for the not so much posting over the weekend. Speaking of, shout out to everyone who went to Barristers Ball. It was a great time. A special shout out to Orlando for that amazing suit. Classy all the way.
I'm a fan of fake news, which is why I like the onion. I am by no means a regualr reader, but i go on from time to time, and they've usually got some funny stuff. I saw this one the other day, which I particuarly enjoyed. The headline was "Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again." This got a small chuckle. But the video for it is amazing. here's the link: http://www.theonion.com/content/video/ninja_parade_slips_through_town
Warning, that video has sound. If you are in class, don't watch it now.
Another post coming up tonight. Be on the lookout.
I'm a fan of fake news, which is why I like the onion. I am by no means a regualr reader, but i go on from time to time, and they've usually got some funny stuff. I saw this one the other day, which I particuarly enjoyed. The headline was "Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again." This got a small chuckle. But the video for it is amazing. here's the link: http://www.theonion.com/content/video/ninja_parade_slips_through_town
Warning, that video has sound. If you are in class, don't watch it now.
Another post coming up tonight. Be on the lookout.
Friday, April 3, 2009
The Million
It's time for a segment called "Hilarious News Stories From Our Past" Tonight's story dates back to March 2004. In early March, Alice Pike went to Wal-Mart to do some shopping. Quite a bit of shopping actually, she gathered almost $1,700 dollars worth of merchandise. At the register, she attempted to pay with 2 Wal-Mart gift cards, but the cashier informed her that together the cards had a total of $2.32 on them. Looking through her purse she said "all I have is this" and handed the cashier a fake $1,000,000 bill. The cashier called the police, and the woman was arrested.
Ms. Pike said she was given the bill by her estranged husband, and that she THOUGHT IT WAS REAL. Ok, even if I get passed going around an filling up your cart with $1700 worth of stuff when you only have $2.32 in gift cards and a milli burnin' a hole in your purse, was she expecting change? Not a whole lot of people/banks out there can break a million.
I still don't know why you are carrying that around like it's nothing. Wouldn't you think that you would deposit it in the bank? What better way to find out for sure if it's real? Well, that's just what one guy did about 3.5 years later in South Carolina. He tried to open a checking a count with a million dollar bill. The bank employee called the police, and he too was arrested.
Instead of criticizing these people, I'm gonna get behind em. We need a million dollar bill out there. It could simplify real estate transactions. Find a real nice house, make the offer - a million dollars. When it's accepted, BAM. Through down the bill. My next mission would be to get a thousand of them and a large rubber band just to show up V.I.C. "I guess you CAN put a rubber band around a billion."
The million dollar bill, coming soon to a Wal-Mart near you.
Ms. Pike said she was given the bill by her estranged husband, and that she THOUGHT IT WAS REAL. Ok, even if I get passed going around an filling up your cart with $1700 worth of stuff when you only have $2.32 in gift cards and a milli burnin' a hole in your purse, was she expecting change? Not a whole lot of people/banks out there can break a million.
I still don't know why you are carrying that around like it's nothing. Wouldn't you think that you would deposit it in the bank? What better way to find out for sure if it's real? Well, that's just what one guy did about 3.5 years later in South Carolina. He tried to open a checking a count with a million dollar bill. The bank employee called the police, and he too was arrested.
Instead of criticizing these people, I'm gonna get behind em. We need a million dollar bill out there. It could simplify real estate transactions. Find a real nice house, make the offer - a million dollars. When it's accepted, BAM. Through down the bill. My next mission would be to get a thousand of them and a large rubber band just to show up V.I.C. "I guess you CAN put a rubber band around a billion."
The million dollar bill, coming soon to a Wal-Mart near you.
Pizzly Bears
Before I forget, a shout out goes to Hornbook for a great line: "I swear slightly more than the average bear." It's probably a had to be there kind of thing, but trust me it was hilarious.
It's official. The brief has taken over my mind. I think the break point was on the ride home from softball today. We were blessed with a classic on the radio, Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" Tim and I began changing the words to arguments and key words from our briefs and singing along with the tune. Funny? Without a doubt. Depressing? Even more so. I swore it would never come to this, but I'm afraid it has. I am sure I'm not alone out there, so to all my fellow sufferers, just a couple more days and we'll be through it!
But enough of that. Tonight I want to make everyone of a threat to our well being. I speak, of course, of the pizzly bear. Not three years ago, a pizzly bear, a grizzly bear/polar bear hybrid, was discovered. Despite what Coke commercials try to have us believe, polar bears are one of the fiercest creatures out there. There are three animals that hunt not for sport. Humans, wolverines, and polar bears. One of the most important advantages we have over them is the fact that they need the ice cold climate of the Arctic to survive.
The existence of the Pizzly bear is disturbing for just that reason. If the ferocity of polar bears were combined with a grizzly bear's ability to survive in temperate climate than we could be in trouble. And by we, I mean Canada. Fortunately for us, little evidence of further bear cross breeding has been uncovered, but my fears are not completely calmed. Clearly, these bears are smarter than we give them credit for. They have taken the steps to eliminate their main weakness. I'm guessing they are breeding up a pizzly bear army in secret, and this one that was discovered was a warning of the fury that will be released.
In Richmond, we should be safe. But if you see any suspicious looking bears, run for cover and call the pizzly bear hotline at 1-800-PIZZLY!
It's official. The brief has taken over my mind. I think the break point was on the ride home from softball today. We were blessed with a classic on the radio, Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" Tim and I began changing the words to arguments and key words from our briefs and singing along with the tune. Funny? Without a doubt. Depressing? Even more so. I swore it would never come to this, but I'm afraid it has. I am sure I'm not alone out there, so to all my fellow sufferers, just a couple more days and we'll be through it!
But enough of that. Tonight I want to make everyone of a threat to our well being. I speak, of course, of the pizzly bear. Not three years ago, a pizzly bear, a grizzly bear/polar bear hybrid, was discovered. Despite what Coke commercials try to have us believe, polar bears are one of the fiercest creatures out there. There are three animals that hunt not for sport. Humans, wolverines, and polar bears. One of the most important advantages we have over them is the fact that they need the ice cold climate of the Arctic to survive.
The existence of the Pizzly bear is disturbing for just that reason. If the ferocity of polar bears were combined with a grizzly bear's ability to survive in temperate climate than we could be in trouble. And by we, I mean Canada. Fortunately for us, little evidence of further bear cross breeding has been uncovered, but my fears are not completely calmed. Clearly, these bears are smarter than we give them credit for. They have taken the steps to eliminate their main weakness. I'm guessing they are breeding up a pizzly bear army in secret, and this one that was discovered was a warning of the fury that will be released.
In Richmond, we should be safe. But if you see any suspicious looking bears, run for cover and call the pizzly bear hotline at 1-800-PIZZLY!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The Superhero Among Us
I've been sitting on this information for a while, but after months of gathering evidence I think it's time it was revealed. While most of us look around and see only normal law students, that is not always the case. One of us is actually a SUPERHERO. That's right. Superman, Batman, The Human Torch all have several traits in common in their pursuit of justice and bringing good to the universe. Ladies and gentlemen one of us is in their company. I am speaking, of course, of DeVon. Allow me to explain.
Wikipedia lists the following common traits of super-heroes:
-Extraordinary powers/abilities, relevant skills, and/or advanced equipment. DeVon's dancing skills, comedic stylings, and the face you get when he disapproves of something you do all combine to create the unmatched power of making people smile and laugh. Though they may appear to be normal sunglasses, DeVon's shades are far from ordinary. The wearer's skill at beer pong increases 75% whilst wearing the glasses, and his/her hair will naturally begin to become dreads.
-A strong moral code, including a willingness to risk one's own safety in the service of good without expectation of reward. Once while crossing boatwright drive a car came speeding out of nowhere. At the last second I was shoved out of the way into a bush. Looking up, I saw only a figure running into the darkness towards a silver Chevy Impala. Though he denies knowledge of the incident, I know the truth of what happened that dark and stormy night. And he is, after all, in law school. What better way to dispense justice than with a J.D.?
-A motivation, such as a sense of responsibility. Pure, genuine humor is rare in law school. Blessed with the power to make people laugh, he is responsible for bringing much needed joy into our sometimes dark days. It's a gift...and a curse.
-A secret identity. DeVon's secret identity is Mr. Simmons. This happens when DeVon wears a suit. Mr. Simmons is the hard-working, interview-attending version of DeVon. Though some days we only have Mr. Simmons, DeVon is always out there looking out for us...
-A distinctive costume. If you think DeVon's shoes aren't distinctive than you must have only met Mr. Simmons.
-A supporting cast of recurring characters. I like to count myself in this group. Recurring characters may or may not know of his powers/identity, so if all this is news to you, don't worry, hope remains.
-A number of enemies that he/she fights repeatedly. Enemies include the Bluebook, ConLaw, his mother when she thinks he looks tired and turns of his alarm so he can get more sleep, and country music.
-Independent wealth or an occupation that allows for minimal supervision. DeVon DJs on Tuesday nights. And yet he can often be seen in the library or the DU at the same time. Coincidence? I think not.
-A headquarters or base of operations, usually kept hidden from the general public. I have asked DeVon at least 3 times where he lives. Never before have I met someone so vague with their answers. Oh, and he just happens to live 25-30 minutes away. So it will never be convenient to do anything at his house. Something smells fishy, and I'm goin fishin.
-A backstory that explains the circumstances by which the character acquired his or her abilities as well as his or her motivation for becoming a superhero. Many origin stories involve tragic elements and/or freak accidents that result in the development of the hero's abilities. I'd say growing up in Buffalo is tragic enough. I KNOW being a Bills fan certainly is.
Well, I think the evidence is clear. Even his name is so good there is no need for a cheesy super hero name. His alter-ego is Mr. Simmons, but when he does good, bringing joy and laughter to us all in desperate times, he is...DeVon.
Wikipedia lists the following common traits of super-heroes:
-Extraordinary powers/abilities, relevant skills, and/or advanced equipment. DeVon's dancing skills, comedic stylings, and the face you get when he disapproves of something you do all combine to create the unmatched power of making people smile and laugh. Though they may appear to be normal sunglasses, DeVon's shades are far from ordinary. The wearer's skill at beer pong increases 75% whilst wearing the glasses, and his/her hair will naturally begin to become dreads.
-A strong moral code, including a willingness to risk one's own safety in the service of good without expectation of reward. Once while crossing boatwright drive a car came speeding out of nowhere. At the last second I was shoved out of the way into a bush. Looking up, I saw only a figure running into the darkness towards a silver Chevy Impala. Though he denies knowledge of the incident, I know the truth of what happened that dark and stormy night. And he is, after all, in law school. What better way to dispense justice than with a J.D.?
-A motivation, such as a sense of responsibility. Pure, genuine humor is rare in law school. Blessed with the power to make people laugh, he is responsible for bringing much needed joy into our sometimes dark days. It's a gift...and a curse.
-A secret identity. DeVon's secret identity is Mr. Simmons. This happens when DeVon wears a suit. Mr. Simmons is the hard-working, interview-attending version of DeVon. Though some days we only have Mr. Simmons, DeVon is always out there looking out for us...
-A distinctive costume. If you think DeVon's shoes aren't distinctive than you must have only met Mr. Simmons.
-A supporting cast of recurring characters. I like to count myself in this group. Recurring characters may or may not know of his powers/identity, so if all this is news to you, don't worry, hope remains.
-A number of enemies that he/she fights repeatedly. Enemies include the Bluebook, ConLaw, his mother when she thinks he looks tired and turns of his alarm so he can get more sleep, and country music.
-Independent wealth or an occupation that allows for minimal supervision. DeVon DJs on Tuesday nights. And yet he can often be seen in the library or the DU at the same time. Coincidence? I think not.
-A headquarters or base of operations, usually kept hidden from the general public. I have asked DeVon at least 3 times where he lives. Never before have I met someone so vague with their answers. Oh, and he just happens to live 25-30 minutes away. So it will never be convenient to do anything at his house. Something smells fishy, and I'm goin fishin.
-A backstory that explains the circumstances by which the character acquired his or her abilities as well as his or her motivation for becoming a superhero. Many origin stories involve tragic elements and/or freak accidents that result in the development of the hero's abilities. I'd say growing up in Buffalo is tragic enough. I KNOW being a Bills fan certainly is.
Well, I think the evidence is clear. Even his name is so good there is no need for a cheesy super hero name. His alter-ego is Mr. Simmons, but when he does good, bringing joy and laughter to us all in desperate times, he is...DeVon.
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