Sunday, January 16, 2011

Hypocalypse Update: Birds and Fish

Readers know I am a fan of end-of-the-world theories. In fact, I have my own Hypocalypse (Hypothetical Apocalypse) scenario involving aliens, the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, and the Large Hadron Collider. It's the subject of my in-progress screenplay, "Wasted Planet."

Anyway, most of the chatter involving the end of the world centers around 2012 - supposedly when the Mayan character predicts the end of days. But 2011 started off with a bang. The year kicked off with thousands of black birds falling from the sky in Arkansas. Then, in other parts of the world, it kept happening. More birds around the world dying off massively. Thousands of fish washing up dead on shore. And its happening all around the world.

Legitimate explanations for the deaths have been hard to come by. The first round of birds was at first "explained" by saying that the birds were scared by fireworks and flew into each other. Fireworks, of course have no affect on fish, or other bird deaths. The question remains: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE ?

The explanation gaining the most credence seems to involve a shift in Earth's magnetic poles. The Earth's magentic field flips from time to time (thousands of years in between) and in between shifts, the Earth's magnetoshpere can weaken. The magnetosphere protects the Earth from harmful space radiation, and when it weakens threatening rays come in through the magentosphere and apparently kill all birds and fish.

Someone asked me recently if these events have caused me to rethink my Hypocalypse. Far from it. In fact, this new explanation supports all legs of my theory:

1) Aliens. The damage is being caused by harmful radiation coming FROM SPACE. Need I say more?

2) The Great Pacific Garbage Patch. The magnetic shift is obviously taking its toll on fish. The shift will likely cause an acceleration in the gyre forming the TrashBerg, bringing more trash to the center as the TrashBerg Monster continues to grow. But the real key is that the growing TrashBerg Monster will now have more organic material to build around in the form of thousands of dead fish. I'll admit this was always the biggest concern I had in my theory - I didn't think the trash alone could bring in enough fish to spark the growth. Problem solved.

3) The Large Hadron Collider. The LHC has been run at about half-speed, but due to some necessary adjustments and repairs that need to be made is not scheduled to be cranked up to full speed until the end of next year. The Collider has been plagued with problems since its inception, and while these recent developments may help in that there will be fewer birds to drop baguette chunks into the machinery and cause massive meltdowns (actually happened), a shift in the Earth's magnetic field is just about the least thing a troubled atomic particle accelerator needs right now.

Needless to say, things are still right on track. I'll keep an eye out and report any significant developments, but for now, just keep an eye on any birds or fish you might be close to. Griffin Tribesman- I'm not sure if you could be affected, given your half-bird status, but I'd be cautious just to be safe. Go Tribe.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Year, New Post

So it has been a REALLY long time since my last post. I will do my best to not have another lapse like that. Way too busy for my own liking.

As the holiday season comes to a close, some of the last things to go are the numerous car commercials where a husband or wife purchases a new car for their spouse. The commercials show the couple coming downstairs on Christmas morning, and the car is "under" the tree with a giant ribbon. The car recipient always is very pleasantly surprised.

To me, this just doesn't seem realistic. If this scenario ever happens to me in the future, I think it's pretty safe to say I will ask (or at least be thinking) the following questions:

1. "What am I supposed to do with a car in the house? I can walk around my house just fine. I don't need a car to get from the living room to the kitchen."
2. "On a related note, how exactly did you get a car in the house??? I distinctly remember you complaining when we had to try to bring the loveseat through the front door. This car is at least 6 times the size of that loveseat. Seriously, did you have a wall taken out?"
3. "Shouldn't we have talked about this? I mean, this is a pretty significant purchase. I have a pretty good idea about the state of our finances, and I'm pretty sure you must have dipped into Jimmy's college fund to make a down payment. Either that or you have some secret bank account I don't know about. Either way, I feel like you've got some explaining to do."
4. "You do realize I will be driving this for at least 6 years. You don't think I would have liked to pick out the color, or some optional features?"

Let's be practical people. Cars should not be Christmas presents.

I hope everyone had a great holiday season and a happy new year!