Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Awesome Hierarchy and Ikea

The world is full of wonderful, amazing things. Almost every day I see something and all I can say is "that's awesome." But there is of course an awesome hierarchy. Allow me to explain.

Level 1 Awesome, or L1A: This is something that I see, think to myself "that's awesome" but don't verbally point out to others, because its just not that awesome or they won't agree that it is awesome.

Level 2 Awesome, or L2A: This is something that I say "that's awesome" to present company, but probably wont tell to anyone not there. Anything where you would say "you kind of had to be there" qualifies as L2A.

Level 3 Awesome, or L3A: This is something that I say "that's awesome" and will likely tell people about later. This is something pretty awesome.

Level 4 Awesome, of L4A: The Coup de Awesome. This is something that I say "that's awesome!" I KNOW I will tell people about later, and, perhaps the best sign of all, it makes the blawegsome cut. Well, you get the idea. Now for something L4A...

I recently went to one of the greatest stores out there, Ikea. I love ikea. There is so much stuff. Every piece of furniture you could imagine. But I'm not here today to talk about the furniture. When you walk in, if you are hungry or thirsty, you have several options. First, there is a soda and snack machine. Not bad, but not unusual. Walmart has those. Second, if you want something a little more, there's the Ikea cafe. Here you can get frozen yogurt, a hot dog, a freshly baked cinnamon roll, or something like that. Nice, but I think I've seen it before.

Well venture up to the second floor my friend, and you'll find option number 3 - the Ikea RESTAURANT. A sit down restaurant in the middle of a massive furniture store? Pinch me I'm dreaming. If you're doing some serious shopping and need to recharge, this is money. I had heard of this before, but I hadn't seen the true awesomeness until I got there and read the sign. I saw something truly L4A.


That's right. Rib night. At Ikea. To quote Brian Regan, Does life get any better? I submit that it does not! Nothing gets my rib hankering going like pushing a cart through a massive warehouse to find my new bookcase ready to assemble in 4 boxes. Forget going to the store, then coming home to cook dinner. Just eat AT the store. If I am fortunate enough to one day live a short distance from Ikea, rib night will become a thing. Growing up, we had pizza every Friday. Well, my family and I are gonna pile in the Seabring, roll down the street to Ikea, head up top for RIB NIGHT, and then maybe check out some cabinets on our way out. Weekly dinner at Ikea. I cannot wait.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Planes, Explosions, and Flowers

I've seen a lot of weird stories in my day. This is certainly not the strangest, but definitely worth mentioning.

Apparently, a woman who was getting married in Italy decided to do something special instead of the normal run-of-the-mill bouquet toss. Instead, she gathered all the single ladies on the seashore, and hired a plane to fly overhead. As the plane flew over, a guy in the plane would drop the bouquet into the crowd of women.

This could not be a crazy, strange story unless something went horribly wrong. Which it did.

While the guy was waiting to throw the bouquet down, the flowers got sucked into the tail rotor, causing the ENGINE TO EXPLODE. The plane plummeted to the ground, narrowly missing a hostel and crashing hard into the ground. Both the pilot and the flower guy were injured, but fortunately neither was killed.

And so I'm sure my two friends in the hospital recovering from the plane crash will join me in presenting yet another "Whatever, I Do What I Want" Award. Today's "Whatever, I Do What I Want" Award goes to Brides. Girls are raised being told that their wedding day will be "their special day" or "the happiest day of their lives." Somehow this goes in their heads and gets translated as they get to demand and have whatever they damn well please. But there has to be a line drawn, and that line is where your desire to do something "fun and different" puts people in the hospital. Was this a fluke accident that couldn't have been foreseen? Sure. Was this whole thing safe in the first place? Uh, I'm gonna go with NO. You are dropping plants into a throng of husband-hungry, ugly-bridesmaid-dress-wearing, open-bar-drinking women from a PLANE, and you think that's safe? Lets do some hypos
-Scenario A: They try to catch it. Someone is gonna get hit in the face with some flowers. An eye will get hurt. That is virtually certain.
-Scenario B: They let it fall. A massive pile-up ensues. I pity that girl on the bottom, but at least she will have flowers at the hospital.
-Scenario C: There is no Scenario C.

While the choice of being in a hospital may be preferable to doing the chicken dance with your aunts and cousins to some, I'm thinking most would prefer to celebrate your marriage injury free. So come on brides. Let's have some common sense. Or at least follow these simple rules when considering an extravagant wedding stunt.

Rule 1: Bouquet tossing should not involve hired help, airplanes, locomotives, automobiles, scuba gear, puppies, time machines, Brussels sprouts, chainsaws, or jello. Wait, scratch that. Jello is strongly encouraged for use in all activities involving multiple single women.
Rule 2: Electronic devices should be avoided unless necessary. Exceptions: Speakers for the DJ, and night vision goggles (cause those are just awesome)
Rule 3: If when reading this post, you thought of something in your wedding plans and said "on second thought..." it is probably dangerous. Scrap it.

Follow these rules, and everyone will be happy, or at least as happy as you can be at a wedding.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Status Report

A general update is in order

1) After many weeks of voluntary house arrest, I am employed. I work for a telecom company in DC. Most of the stuff I do deals with the stimulus money that is reserved for companies like mine to bring broadband to rural America. While I am sure to some of you that sounds like more boringness than you could shake a stick at, i rather enjoy it. And after moot court, I can always say "hey, at least it's not campaign finance reform" Wisconsin Right To Life still haunts my dreams so much you can call me Perry Roberson.

2) The job, unfortunately like a lot out there, is unpaid. So to fund my beloved frivolities, I created the Tizzle Summer Stimulus Package (TSSP). TSSP involves me winning radio contests and selling the tickets (or sometimes using them if I want to go). I must be kidding right? Wrong! On Tuesday I won two tickets to Green Day at the verizon center (which i may end up going to). But the big win came yesterday, when I scored two second row seats to the sold out Jonas Brothers show at the Verizon Center next Tuesday. This is gonna be a tough sell. I have a dream of being able to shove a 13-year-old girl to the ground with one hand and shove her mom to the ground with the other hand at the same time. There really are not a lot of socially acceptable times i could get away with this except at a JoBro mosh pit. However, these tickets have the potential to pull in some serious scratch, so I might have to part with them.

3) In my very first blawegsome post, I mentioned someone who had inspired me to start the blog. I called him "Less Than Three" and those who know him know why. Well, Mr. Three has recently become quite active in posting on his website/blog. For this, I must give him props. He is more computer-savvy than me, so his blog is actually his own website and he does a lot of things. Well done, sir, keep up the good work and I look forward to a potential blog-off in the near future.

4) I recently got in a car crash. I was on the highway and the guy behind me got rear ended, which sent his car flying into me. We got out of the cars, called the police, and once they came and gave us the ok, the cars were moved to the shoulder and traffic started picking up. Standing on the shoulder by my banged up car, i was shocked at the amount of yelling and dirty looks were sent my direction. So I'd like to take a segment to address people like that in another segment of "Whatever, I Do What I Want!" Enjoy.

Today's "Whatever, I Do What I Want" award goes to people who curse at people who have just been in an accident. Wow. Your commute has just been lengthened 4.5 minutes, and your solution is to bark incoherent obscenities at a group of people whose cars are wrecked, they are potentially injured, and the majority of them did absolutely nothing wrong? I'm sure your co-workers over at D-Bags-R-Us (I really wish I could do a backwards R there, but I can't so just imagine it) are anxiously awaiting your arrival, where you will yell at someone for taking the last cup of coffee...while you are waiting to get a cup of coffee. I know, I know, sitting in traffic for an extra few minutes is hard. You've got to push that brake pedal with a moderate amount of force. I'm sure that is really hard, causes a lot of stress, which you release to people on the side of the road. But I should be a little understanding. With people skills like that, you probably don't have a lot of people to talk to during the day, so maybe you are just reaching out for a friend. Well I'm not buyin. So you know what, Mr. Car-Accident-Victim-Curser, just keep on cursing, and I really hope one day you yell at someone on the shoulder and the police officer thinks you are yelling at him/her and books you like the ShamWow guy.

PS I was not hurt in the accident. The car was nearly totalled, but should be fixable. You let me dodge another bullet, big guy.

That's all for now. More to come later. much love.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Car headlights and a salute to birds

Almost every night I drive I see a car with 1 headlight out. Ive been told its illegal because people will think you are a motorcycle. I don't buy it. If you hit a car because you thought it was a motorcycle, you just shouldn't be driving, regardless of the current functionality of your headlights.

But the real question is this: how is it that one headlight always burns out first, and the other one lasts long enough for you to get the other one fixed days/weeks later. The lights receive the same amount of current, and you never have one headlight on but not the other. When the car is first manufactured, it starts with two brand new headlights. So why don't they ever burn out at the same time? Do the headlight manufacturers purposely make them all different? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. As a current 1-headlight driver, I am very glad that they do not blow out at the same time, otherwise I would probably be posting from the hospital after keeping a traffic light pole warm by wrapping it with the Tizzlemobile. So whatever you're doing, headlight manufacturers, keep it up.

Moment of the day: I'm walking on a golf course with my dad. All of a sudden a big flock of birds flew overhead. I hear "God damn it!" from behind me. That's right - a bird took a crap on my dad's head. Good thing he was wearing a hat. I was not, but I guess I got lucky. I'd like to keep that luck going. So thanks birds. You guys are awesome. No other creatures have the amazing ability to fly but choose to be all humble and eat from the trash. Sure, you sometimes make loud noises for no apparent reason or purpose, but hey, who am I to judge? I do the same thing. So here's to you birds. Keep being awesome, and please keep crapping on my friends and family but not on me. Toucan do it.