Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Meatzza

Usually, when Blawegsome comes up unexpectedly, it's from one of my friends saying they stumbled across it on my facebook page. Recently, it has shown up on google searches. But the blog reached new levels of creepiness last night, when it infiltrated my dreams.

In my dream, I was at a party at a hotel, talking to a friend and my old rowing coach. My friend was describing how my last blog post was about something called "meatzza," which is apparently pizza with so many meat toppings that it ceases to be just pizza, and becomes meatzza.

I woke up 2/5 confused/weirded out and 3/5 greatly amused. A shout out to my brain, cause it managed to wad my favorite things into 1 for this dream.
1) I love multiple words condensed into one. Blog + Awesome = Blawegsome. SnugWow, Pizzly Bear, shockergasted have all made appearances, just to name a few, not to mention TrashBerg most recently. So my subconscious or wherever dreams come from gets mad props for coming up with meatzza.
2) I love piling multiple kinds of meat on my food. One of my proudest creations is the "coxswain burger" - a cheeseburger with 2 beef patties, turkey, ham, roast beef, and bacon. Transferring this concept onto a slice of pizza is only logical. Meatzza toppings will surely include pepperoni, ham, bacon, sausage, and chicken. Perhaps more.
3) My old rowing coach, RJ Montague himself, is one of the most interesting people I have encountered in my soon to be 23 years. Some people use "interesting" as a negative adjective, but that is certainly not the case here. RJM provided an unlimited supply of movie quotes, jokes, rowing inspiration, and social awkwardness that has yet to be matched or bested. A great coach and an even better guy to be around if you had the sense of humor to match. It's been far too long.

The dream has inspired me to create a meatzza. If anyone has any topping suggestions, leave a comment. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Friday, May 22, 2009


Blawegsome is all about helping the people - informing you of threats to your well being. I recently posted a warning to society about the threats aliens pose. But is there a bigger threat out there? Something closer to home? Something already massive in size and growing by the day? Put on your hard hats, cause the answer to all of those is a resounding "YES"

I speak, of course, of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, or as I like to call it, TrashBerg. In the Pacific Ocean, ocean currents form the North pacific Gyre, basically a massive whirlpool. Over time, trash has accumulated in the gyre. And when I say trash, here is what I mean. The collection of trash bags, bottles, and other plastics has accumulated to be OVER TWICE THE SIZE OF TEXAS and 30 FEET DEEP. No joke. Ever wondered where your trash goes?

Q: Ok, big deal. How much bigger can it get?
A: Correct. Big deal. The gyre, the area where the pile is growing, is about twice the size of the continental United States. So yeah, it can get a lot bigger.

Q: Why should I care? It's just trash?
A: Glad you asked. Suppose I told you that right now a death-mongering monster is growing in the middle of the 30-foot deep, twice-the-size-of-Texas pile of trash. Is that a ridiculous statement. Perhaps. Can you prove me wrong? No. For more, see my upcoming screenplay, where a monster grows made of trash and the human race is destroyed by its own waste. Ironic? Yes. And awesome. and that's just the tip of the TrashBerg. Humans are wiped out, and the aliens show up to find no humans, only a giant flesh-eating monster and a entry ticket into an epic showdown. Aliens v. TrashBerg Monster. The title of the screenplay? "Wasted Planet" In theatres Summer 2012.

Q: Wait, isn't plastic recyclable? Can't we just recycle it?
A: Into what? TrashBerg Monster 2.0? Are you crazy!!??!

Q: You're monster theory is a little too Hollywood for me. How is this plastic really gonna affect me?
A: Fine, but don't come crying to me when TrashBerg Monster comes knocking on your door. Here's something you might be concerned with though. The plastic that's been there for a while disintegrates, and eventually becomes small enough for fish to ingest. Think it's fun for a fish to digest plastic? How about when that fish eats the plastic, gets caught, and ends up on your plate blackened with tartar sauce and hush puppies for 12.95? Enjoy chewing on that piece of TrashBerg my friend.

But seriously, watch out for the monster.

For some info on TrashBerg, see and the related links.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Home Sweet Home

A word to the producers of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - You should just tag along whenever I come back to my parents house. It seems like every time I come home now, there is some major renovation going on in my house. And while my parents cannot lay the stones in the shower themselves, saying they were uninvolved would be like saying Ross is a morning person, it is possible to understand every word Nick says, or Sheila is not awesome. Those things are just completely untrue.

This time, I found upon my arrival home that my parents bathroom and bedroom are being completely repainted, as is the pool. Those who know me best know I find joy in little things, and so I present...the joys of coming home:

-In choosing a color for their ceiling, my parents briefly considered "extra white." Which begs the question: What the hell is extra white? We are talking about the same white here, right? The combination of all colors in the visible spectrum? So how exactly can a color be "extra" white? If I am making cookie dough, and I make some with butter, sugar, flour, and eggs, and I decide to just put more of everything in again in the same proportions, I wont have more cookie dough flavor. I'll just have twice the cookie dough. I understand that there are a whole lot of paint colors out there (the walls of my room were colored "fortune cookie" before I wallpapered my room with sports pictures), but I just cannot get on board with this concept of a color that is "extra white" If I need to name something that is appears whiter than other white things, I call it Ryan.

-My father is not the most patient man in the world, and often works in profanity the way other artists work in oils or clay. When a large project is to be done, he will come up with how he wants things to happen, and you better be on the same page whether he explains the plan or not. Otherwise, it's welcome to 4-letter-word town. Population: 1. You. Everyone else was killed by the f-bomb that just got dropped because you flipped the mattress over the other way than he wanted to go. The pool is being opened. Yesterday, we took the cover off - quite an ordeal requiring a good deal of coordination. Perhaps even more so was folding it up today. But something was missing from the process - my father getting angry and swearing. Why? Has the old man changed in his ways? As a born and bred Indiana native this is doubtful. The solution, instead is quite simple - the presence of my girlfriend in these exhibitions. It's brilliant. All I have to do is make sure she is close by for as many "family projects" or "tasks" as possible, and the dad-censor will kick in. There will be less frustration, less swearing, and my day will be much less soul-crushing. It's a shame I didn't have a girlfriend that time I got a plastic Easter egg stuck in the furness or that time I put oil in the lawnmowers gasoline tank...

-One of the joys of coming home is getting mail that has been delivered for me. I received a letter from AT&T. The front said "An exclusive offer - just because of someone you know." The letter outlined an offer for a free phone if I switched to AT&T, and I was getting this offer because someone I know has AT&T. It is true, I do know some people who are on AT&T. Let's sister...who am I forgetting?...oh yeah. ME. I am on AT&T. So thanks a lot, company that values my business. Maybe I can switch off of your network and then take advantage of this offer and switch back on. I wonder what would happen if I attempted to go through with this offer. I figure I could at least get to say "That's right...I'm already a member. You want any sauce with that six piece of Blau nuggets?" Sidebar: I have yet to say that phrase to an actual person. My cat just stared at me and licked herself, which was not exactly the reaction I was hoping for.

I do love coming home. Good luck to all my law friends writing this casenote. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue...

Thursday, May 14, 2009


This is my 100th post. That's a lot of posts. However, that number pales in comparison to the number of times I have awoken in the morning, checked my email, and been infuriated by the abomination that is SpiderBytes. My inbox is constantly flooded with information that is worthless to me. And if that wasn't enough, there's also the "in case you missed this spiderbyte..." emails sent out by faculty, and occasionally by my so-called friends in a clever rouse. Tim has really gone above and beyond in this regard, forwarding spiderbytes to my gmail account, which otherwise was a spiderbyte-free-zone, and even emailing me on a magical day when there was no spiderbytes to ask if I had received any. One day I will have my revenge, Mr. Boykin.

With the end of the school year, I was excited and saddened at the same time. But I gotta say one thing I was looking forward to was a summer free of SpiderBytes. After all, they wouldn't possibly send out a couple bits of information pertaining only to a handful of undergrads taking summer classes out to the entire UR community EVERY DAY could they? Well, a week in my fears have been realized. It appears SpiderBytes will keep coming every day this summer.

In this ongoing battle between me and my archenemy, SpiderBytes appears to have the upper hand...for now. I won't go down without a fight though. More on that later.

And we're back

Sincerest apologies for the long delay. Over the last two and a half weeks, I have (1) not had a computer and internet access, and (2) had finals. However, both those situations have now been rectified. And so we're back.

A lot to catch up on. But the first has gotta be the most recent SNL digital short, "Motherlover" Its an instant classic. If you haven't seen the link, here it is:

It stars my boy JT (Justin Timberlake) and Andy Samberg, the same guys who brought us Dick in a Box. The two have just gotten out of jail and both realize that they haven't gotten either of their mothers anything for mothers day. Well, the chorus says it all. There's some great one liners: "They'll have to rename this one All-up-under-the-covers Day" and "Imma be the syrup she can be my waffle" An instant classic, and has potentially inserted (pun intended) itself into my top 5 SNL digital short music videos. Anyway, if you haven't seen it yet, watch it, and laugh.

Next, a shout out to the makers of the new Star Trek movies. Summer is a great time for me because it means I go home and go to movies with Carolyn. Well I have no complaints kicking off my summer movie going festivities with that gem I saw tonight. It used enough from the franchise while not getting bogged down in trying to be a remake. The plotline was interesting, the action was excellent, and it moved quick enough to keep me interested.

Thats it for tonight, funny stuff to come tomorrow. Good to be back.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Cliches and the week that was

I despise cliches. Sometimes I go out of my way to avoid them or do the opposite. I don't pay it forward, I get money backwards. But there is one particular cliche that has me in a brutal showdown with the universe this week. "Trouble comes in threes." Allow me to explain.

On Monday, while enjoying a friendly game of basketball, I stepped into the lane to defend a drive. My nose was met with a large elbow (accidental) and began bleeding profusely. A precautionary trip to the doctor showed nothing too serious, but the game ended and a night of studying went by the wayside.

On Thursday, the day before my ConLaw final, I woke up and attempted to turn on my computer. It made an extremely loud and obnoxious beeping sound for about a minute, then took me to a blank screen. I rebooted and tried again, with the same result. I got on the phone and called HP. They said they could fix it, but I would have to send it in. I was left with my 5-year old, loud, slow, dinosaur of a "laptop" that cannot connect to the Internet. I had to go the Best Buy, buy something that could pull data off my hard drive, load that onto my external hard drive, load some of those files onto my old laptop, then take the old laptop to my carrel and try to install the new printer software on it. While I guess it all worked out, a solid 6 hours of the day were lost.

Trouble comes in threes, so there is one more bad thing coming (that's if you don't count my conlaw exam...eeeee....). The universe has been firing for sure. On Saturday, I narrowly escaped getting hit by a car while crossing the street. Some guy decided to peel out into the middle of the street while I was crossing. I did what I'm sure was an amusing run/hop to avoid him by about 6 inches. Avoided. I got an email today that some tax forms for a job didn't go through because of a "processing error" and I have to do them again. Not serious enough to be the third thing. You're gonna have to do better than that, big guy.

No doubt amused by all of this is my friend Kimi. During undergrad, good/lucky things happened to me a lot. More than they should have. Kimi was always flabbergasted at how I could be so lucky, and the jerk that I am I made sure to let her know every time something happened. So Kimi I am sure you are laughing now, and you know what that's alright. I would say "what goes around comes around," but that is a cliche, and so I am against it. I'll borrow a phrase from Rasheed: Ball don't lie.

That's all for now. Perhaps more to come later. Three finals this week, so no promises. Good luck to all my TC-Dub friends with law finals, and to all my WM friends with regular finals.

Universe: Bring it on.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Lack of posting

A note to all: On Thursday my computer died. It will not turn on, and is being sent back to HP. As a result, I have no internet, so don't expect a lot of new posts for the next two weeks or so. I'll do my best, but no promises.

Much love,